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Christie, thank you very much for your kind words. No matter what, I think we are all afraid of being alone. But at any age being transgender and learning what you individually want to do about it is darned hard. Thank goodness we have TG Guide to hang out in! Hey Veronica, back atcha girlfriend. To me the concept of passing is so weird. When I'm home, maybe just wearing a dress and doing the dishes (or writing here), all I know is that I feel good, I feel right. My hair is short, I have a 5 o'clock shadow, but what do I care? I only see myself when I walk past a mirror, and I try to avoid those... :-) Thanks a lot for your best wishes. I'm looking forward to it! Emma

Veronica, You are 100% a lady RIGHT NOW. There are some cisgender women (like me!) who don't pass. I know you are a lady by the way you write, and I know I am a lady. Have to prove NOTHING to NO ONE. Monica

Emma, That's very thoughtful and detailed! I can't imagine what it's like being in a relationship going through this, it's quite difficult enough being single. I guess I have the flip-side issue, not knowing what kind of relationship I'll end up wanting, or knowing if I'll ever know for sure (I thought of that when you wrote I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable). I hope it goes well tomorrow! xoxo Christie

That's an interesting discussion point you raise. If I may chime in- I don't feel like a 'woman' either. I feel like me. I am a transgender woman. I don’t really think anyone actually feels like a ‘woman’, they just feel like them. In honesty, if I had the choice to be born female I don't know that I would: I actually quite like me the way that I am. Weird, right? It took a little while, but I'm a lot happier with my body and appearance now. I've not had surgery, but (lucky genetics?) I had quite soft facial features to start with. Basically the only things I've done are hormones, eaten lots to put on weight and had electrolysis. There is no gold standard. There's no minimum bar that you must be able to limbo under. I'm actually quite jealous of people who have had reassignment surgery... but not enough to really do it myself. I'd like larger breasts, but mine are presentable. It's about being comfortable being you, and being you takes time and exploration. Sincerely I apologise for talking about 'me' when I'm trying to make a more general point, I'm just my only point of reference : ( It seems that partly we spend huge amounts of time in our own heads. It's totally understandable, we have a lot to think about and naturally we fret about what the people around us will think. The bizarre reality seems to be, at least in the UK, that nobody honestly gives a flying flip. Genuinely. I've had occasional looks, but in honesty not for months. The only difference is that I'm better practiced dressing for my style and more confident. Nobody outside really gives a tinker's cuss one way or the other- they're wrapped up in their own heads, with their own problems. The same is true at work. I transitioned in my last job and everyone was nothing but supportive. Most people are pretty good natured. Now the caveat to that is those close to us. That's the real kick in the teeth. The ones who should support us most are (in my opinion) the most likely to do the most damage. They're more invested in us, you see. They have put much more of themselves into 'us' as they believe us to be, so when we turn around and show them who we really were all along they can't see the butterfly, they just miss the caterpillar and may be resentful of all the personal energy they put into knowing it. In order to be you, you need time and space. No, not like that. I know you're thinking about Sci Fi. You need the room to see how you want to evolve and you need the time to experiment with those evolutions. I went though a heavy goth phase as part of my transition, then dressing like a tramp, and now I'm just 'normal'. Those phases were very important, because it helped me learn what I liked, what I didn't like, what suited me, what made me happy. When I started, I was desperate for surgery. I wanted it yesterday. If my soul had been he asking price then you wouldn't have seen it but for the blur as I handed it over. Room and time. Now I'm not so fussed. I might actually prefer to use that money for a house deposit, or a car, or a monkey (and a hat for the monkey), or a beagle that I can name Smeagol. There are only two constraints to room and time. One is us, and our concern about upsetting people, going beyond the pale etc. and the other is those close to us. They're smallest reactions make much greater ripples than the overreactions of acquaintances. So, Emma. To be Emma you must know what it means to be Emma. To do that you need to try the stuff you want to try, and don't worry about protecting others by limiting yourself. You need to try, fail, learn and try some more. Maybe skirts won’t suit you, maybe they will. Maybe crossdressing in private will be enough, maybe it won’t. Maybe you will end up making it happen and doing the whole damned lot of facial surgery, reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, hormones, hair removal. Maybe your beloved will be sincerely happy that she now knows the real you. Maybe she’ll love you more. Maybe she won’t. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ultimately whatever you do, it’s likely be the same as what everyone else does. We muddle along. We don’t know the outcomes and can’t see the future: we just sort of burble through it and try for the best. See if you can find a muddle-y way to experiment with your identity (clothes and makeup are only a part of it but they do help, given our society’s deeply ingrained gender roles). Muddling is all we can do. But trust me on the beagle, I will make that mofo happen. Sorry for the patronising garbage. I drew a picture to make it better:

"...these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all." Is it at all possible that somewhere in the back of "Marie's" mind, festers implanted misconceptions she's learned, picked up, heard, or been told in the past about crossdressers? And if so, if she was to learn and be able to allow reality to over-write all the bad she's heard, maybe she could be more supportive? "On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine." I've found that those who are in total support, and accept me as I am, have no issue with how I present myself. A good example would be my brother. He knows I wear a binder, he knows I pack, and he knows my packer doubles as a "stand-to-pee," but he treats me no different than he ever has. My Mum, on the other hand, does not particularly care for the way I dress, she has issue with my hair, and I think she has wondered what's up with my chest. She's not really one to bite her tongue, so I'm not quite sure why she's not asked me what up, except that perhaps she doesn't want to hear what she doesn't wanna hear. __________________________________________________ LOL... you worked that word 'redacted' in there. You go, girl!! -Mikey

Lisa, I'm definitely taking a "one step at a time" approach - although earlier I was in more of a "I want an answer now!" state of mind. Now I'm just challenging myself to take the next step and see how it feels, and see if it makes me want to take another step after that. At some point I'll reach a place where I'm comfortable and don't need or want to take another step - who knows where that will be though! xoxo Christie

Best wishes, Karen, and good luck with the new language! :)

Karen, We understand and look forward to your return! Monica

I will not be gone for good but will need time to devote to my work as we are (here we go) transitioning to a different programming language at work. One of my things is to self-train and by visiting here (which I have been doing often) I get off track. I am going to first try only visiting here no more than once or twice a day to see how that goes.

Karen, Best of luck in your other ventures! I've enjoyed reading your posts and have learned a lot from you (and I plan to keep working backwards and reading more). xoxo Christie

Best wishes and happy travels, Karen. It's been a pleasure getting to know you too. Emma

The book basically confirmed for me that I needed to transition. Those sections that you mentioned were the deciding factor for me. I am glad it helped you as well. Always remember that this is your life and your journey. The decision to start transition, for me, really was and has been a "last option". If you do decide to do anything, think about what you want and need and don't let others pressure you in anything. This is about you and your needs. Not some standard or strict definition of gender.