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Hey, it might seems like rushing it abit, starting up a blog just after I sent a welcome thread up, but an idea struck me, and I can be very inpatient. This is actully a test if writing out about my life growing up, can help me find out if I ever felt misplaced in the wrong body.. So, you don't have to comment, but feed back and spelling mistakes are most welcome as I am not the best at gramma! I grew up in a "happy" home, my mom and dad and my two brothers, I was the youngest of the siblings. My parents got me late, I was born 6-7 years after the middle one, and ten years after the oldest. When I write I grew up in a "happy" home it Isn't meant that my parents was often fighting behind closed doors... That was not their style, those two argued like a movie, plates flying, screaming ( By the age of 5 I knew all swearing words back and forth) and passion. I mostly remember how my brother used to break out his door, when he heard me crying and my mom and dad argueing again, and he'd come and take me away, often this could be at night times, and we would be out untill both my mom and dad clamed down. Through it often was this way, my mom and dad loved eachother a bunch. And I do not blame neither of these, both my parents had lived a rough life. My mom was the only girl of a group of siblings, when she was about 13, her dad commited suicide by burning down their appartment, leaving my grandmother to feed and take care of 5 kids. I have alot of respect for my grandmother, and I love her with all my heart, but her kids who nearly had no supervision, besides my mother, who took over the "mom" role started doing criminal activities, not that my uncles are bad persons, you can't find people who're more lovingly then their are, and as with all my family, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. My dad grew up in a poor family aswell, being the only boy of two older sisters.. Doing his youth his mom hated him, aswell as his older sister who tried to strangle. He also felt into the criminal life style, and this is how I don't blame them. Anyway, on with MY life. As I grew up going to kindergarten I have no memory of me being "misplaced" I was a boy, with alot of engery and as most boys that age, I was a wild one. My earlist memories of anything about gender, was in third grade.. I used to play with these two girls, and I remember how much I loved it. I liked dressing out and pretending that we lived on "hogwarts".. I felt like I belonged when I played with these two. Well, as most things to in that age, I grew and I don't know if it was because of my mom and dad. Or if I was just too stupid to understand school, but I started getting into trouble, at the sixth grade I stopped doing homeworks, I never took an interest to school and I was starting to act like a "thug" (I think I was mostly convinced, that because my familiy was criminal I had a heritage to take over, and who needs poems when you gonna be a MC'er? ) Well when I hit the golden years at 13 years old. My life was already heading in the wrong direction, me and my friends, some I known from school, others I known since kindergarden. We started hanging out in the streets, just escaping our homes was a relif, my parents was finally divorced after 28 years of marriage, and I was to say it happy, that there was no fighting. But this also lead to me and my dad sliding further and further away from eachother.. I to be honest took out my frustations outside, I ended up fighting, stealing and basicly doing bad things, I've never been the person to think twice about my actions, so I never really stopped to think about myself, I went 110% straight down the highway, no stop signs (Speed of limit) I've done many bad things in my life, and I don't regret a single one anymore, past is past. (That was importent to say, since I've struggled with panic attackts) Well through this was the fast life lane, this was also my first records of not belonging in a body.. I remember having throughts about being a girl, I sometimes didn't feel right being who I was.. But as I was very good at ignoring my feelings, and push througths away I did it everytime.. Because that would mean I'm gay right? And you couldn't be gay in my group of friends. I had the same throught, coming over and over in my head as I grew up and I always pushed it away, untill a point, I was alone home, and I remember that I went to my mom closet, and tired on some of her clothes, and it was like kilo's floating from my shoulders. I got scared, and I took it off, placed it back and I felt bad about myself a long time after.. This lead to my increasing violently behavior and my eviction from my school. I was fifteen and a well known trouble maker within the city I came from.. I was sent to a school for "troubled" kids, wich meant victims of bulling, the bullies was grather to learn about life, in a hope to change our behavior. Now in this school, the teachers understood you and it lead to me wanting to take an education.. But I was still struggling with my "Demons" Throught I passed school, I was still the same fighting kid. I didn't care if I was going to jail for my behavior I was born to be criminal remember? Luckly, when I was seventeen, I got my first appartment and through I'll say it's bad luck, I also think it's the best thing that happed to me. I got a panic attack.. This lead to a struggle I've never had before, I was affriad of going out late at night, I didn't go to parties as alkohol lead straight to a new one, and this is where my criminal behavior stops.. But it's also the time I start to notice my gender "issue" I was still dressing boy, acting boy, speaking boy, but when I went on the internet, playing games I used it as a cover to be.. Who I felt as.. I told people I was a girl, and I started to spend alot of time online, as I felt right about it. I can't really describe to feeling, but I'm sure most of you know it anyway.. One thing lead to another, and suddenly I throught more and more about this girl thing.. It's only recently I've taken the curage to actully do something about it, I dressed and I loved it I felt so relaxed.. I finally took myself together and went to the doctor and got help.. But I still struggle with the feeling "What if I'm just crazy?" Looking through most transgenders stories they always been aware that they were girls, so I can't help to think I'm just a "wannabee" This was an overall story about my life.. Not interesting but it helps me in a way I can't explain. Well I hope you guys have a nice day, I'm about to go and cook some dinner :)

Hmmm ,you're certainly going through the mind mill ! Why should anything change just because you now look like a woman? So when you meet someone you really like a lot, go with it, and I certainly wouldn't dwell on your sexuality too much. I too have wondered about my sexuality, and I have to say I don't think that I could do it with a bloke, perhaps a pre-op trans, definately with a post op and best of all a woman, lucky for me I'm married to one. I guess I'm what we in the UK term as Trans Lesbian, whatever it's just a term and I don't care what others might term my sexuality, I'm just me. Hope this helps? Cheers, Eve

Good morning everyone! We're having a nice breezy, rainy day in NYC today (which is fine for Monday). I've been thinking about my gender and sexual orientation a lot recently, specifically as they relate to each other, and wanted to put my thoughts out here to see if anyone has some ideas on the topic First, I do realize that gender and sexual orientation are different things, and they we do all have both of them. What I've been thinking about lately though is that for quite awhile I've identified and "lived" as a gay man. Given my recent acknowledgment that I am transgender, it's made me wonder if i am a gay man or a straight woman, and what that means in day-to-day terms. But even before that, I wonder now if the reason I was "came out" as a gay man was because I was misreading the reality that I am transgender. When I was growing up, in particular around the age of puberty, I didn't really have any idea of the existence of transgender people. At best there were stories about people who had sex change operations, but those stories were usually portrayed as freakish, and they certainly didn't explain why the person had done it (at least not anywhere that I saw). Mind you this was the early to mid 70s. So my theory/hypothesis is that I interpreted my feelings as being gay because I knew what that was, and it seemed like the best fit for them. Even that I covered up for a long time, it wasn't like being gay was accepted at that time either, but at least I knew what it was. It would also fit with my dating history, which is very, very limited. It makes me wonder if one of the reasons I don't date much is that I don't want to date gay men, I want to date straight men (I hesitated saying that - seems like it could come across as homophobia?). There have also been several straight men who work at the gay bar that I go to and I find myself especially drawn to them - there is the cliche about gay men who want to turn straight guys, but I don't want that, I want them to stay as they are and love me! I'm going to leave this here for now, in part because I should start working, and in part because I just put something out there that I haven't even mentioned in therapy yet - need to hit "Publish" before this feeling of vulnerability stops me xoxo Christie

Crissie, First, welcome to TGGuide! I'm not sure if I saw your New Member entry (I need to look there more often). I also started blogging almost immediately here, and it's been very helpful both in terms of getting my thoughts out and getting feedback - there are a lot of very caring people here! As far as your background, I feel very much the same in that I don't have specific memories of feeling like I was in the wrong body as a child, but I also don't have a lot of strong memories about any feelings from that time. There are definitely people out there with Gender Dysphoria who don't have childhood memories (it's been referred to as "Indirect Gender Dysphoria" on a couple of sites I've seen). In any case, I don't think that you're crazy for having these thoughts :-) You just need to keep exploring, take some more steps and see how it feels. After all, if you're a "wannabee" then that could be because you want to be! Please keep sharing! xoxo Christie

Emma, Thank you so much for that feedback, it's very helpful! It's interesting how just shifting from thinking in terms of gay or straight to simply recognizing that my interest is in men changes how I think about things. And you're absolutely right, there are certainly gay men out there who would be "right", I just need to get out more and stop generalizing. I think one mental roadblock is that when I think about gay men who would accept me as a woman I think "straight acting," which doesn't have a great history (and I don't like it as far as it reflects on someone being closeted). But that's not everyone. My present course might eventually open me up for new possibilities - the more I present myself as a woman the more likely I am to meet a person who likes that :-) You have a nice Monday too! xoxo Christie

Hi Christie, Don't worry, you didn't say anything wrong at all. I get your point exactly. That said, I'm not sure I have much to offer. Well, maybe there is something. For me, my sexual orientation is to women. Being a male (hiding my gender concerns) of course only straight women would be interested in me and that's fine. But way back when I went to some lesbian bars when I was out with friends who were lesbians, and also used to go to one that was in my neighborhood in San Francisco. There were women there that I was attracted to, and others that I was not. I think that's like everyone. So maybe when you were considering gay men as date material you didn't get to know enough of them to find one you were attracted to. Have a nice Monday! Emma

Hi Christie, I really hope things turn out well for you, a good dress sense is invaluable for workplace acceptance, I went for the classic business woman look such as protrayed in 1960's films, perhaps I could have played alongside C Grant etc..............LoL :-). Anyway it works really well. Yes, one step at a time is a good way to continue your journey, after a while you'll likely see your destination................. Cheers, Eve

Dear Christie, In my opinion, you are a heterosexual woman, and should be with either a cisgender or transman heterosexual man. Easier said than done. Just because you are a woman with a penis does not make you a Gaymale. May I suggest you take your time and find an understanding heterosexual man or transman. Feel an excellent resource is http://www.TGPersonals.com In your ad, mention that you are pre-op but identify as a heterosexual female. Read the other ads to get an idea what you want to put in or not put in your ad. Hope this helps. Yours truly, Monica

I am indeed going through the mind mill! It's something I do way too often :-) I agree with you as far as the present goes - I think perhaps for me the bigger question (which possibly can't be answered, but I was hoping it could) is whether the entire idea of being gay was something my teenage mind came up with in response to the feeling of being trans.

First, if any of you haven't heard the Junior Vaquez remix of Whitney Houston's "Step by Step" - you should check it out This has been a productive week in terms of coming out for me. I've now told all of my closest friends (in person or in writing) that I am transgender. In most cases it wasn't a surprise to them, and the support has been universal. My favorite light-hearted response was from my friend Chris (who is my closest friend among the group) who said "Woo hoo! Does that mean I'm hip?" (he does magic, so I leave it to each of you to decide if it's possible for him to be "hip"). The most substantive positive response was "This is celebratory news. Please let me know how I can be a friend/supporter/ally/whatever you need. I know there's lots swirling around, and if you need to chat/bounce things off anyone, you've got an ear and a hug in me;) Truly. Thanks for sharing, and as you continue, please let me know how best to support. There are lots of feelings around pronouns/language. I'm adaptable to whatever works for you. I love you as the person you are and am grateful we are friends." Followed by an offer to start calling me "Christie" if I wanted (I don't do that in my day-to-day life yet, I don't feel like my external presentation matches that - but the fact that it's now come up probably means it will happen soon, at least in my personal life). I've also told both of my supervisors at work, and a co-worker with whom I'm fairly close (and found out from her that another person was picking up some hints already - and was positive about it, which was very good considering she is over my 2 direct supervisors). On the personal side, productivity came in the form of not trying to figure out "an answer" - my initial reaction (to many things) is to think that if I just think about it for awhile, and ask the right questions, I can come up with an answer right away. Well that's not going to happen here, the only way I'm giong to find an "answer" is to keep taking steps until I reach whatever destination is out there for me (or not, there might not really be a destination - as I write this I realize there probably isn't!). So my approach now is to just look for steps that I can take - take them - see if they feel comfortable - then take another step - repeat... There was a negative event at work, but one that lead to positive. I overheard several students (overheard is an overstatement, they were talking loud enough that one could think they were trying to talk to me from a distance), they were joking about the idea of a male (I couldn't tell who they were talking about beyond that) wearing a dress to a student event that night. It wasn't something I could directly address (I'm staff at the school), but I did mention it to my boss, who apparently brought it up with her boss (the one I mentioned earlier), who suggested that they should probably incorporate sensitivity training into student orientation (and I believe she's sincere, she's not the type to just talk about it). So that was good - but the really good part is that it inspired me to try to take more steps to be out at work. It would be inappropriate for me to address the students directly about the issue, but if they ultimately get the point that I am TG it might make them think more about what they're saying. Well, that's all for now - oh, tonight I'm telling my sister, first family member... xoxo Christie

Emma, I know the feeling about shopping in the stores, I did at some point make it a personal challenge though and now it feels perfectly natural! The first few times I just bought, but then I started trying things on too. I love Kohl's, and started suspecting that their employees might be trained to not comment on what people are buying (which would be an excellent business practice). I'm probably going to pause at this point for a little bit - I need to let my post-taxes finances settle down a bit before I start spending again - and I work at a school which is about to enter final exams and summer break, so my wardrobe will go more casual anyway, which means I can incorporate some clothes that I already have and then get my "business wardrobe" together over the summer. xoxo Christie

Hi Christie, I really like on-line shopping at Amazon, especially with Amazon Prime. They ship for free to a local 7-11 store so I don't have to worry or be at home when the package arrives, and returns are super easy to do, also with free shipping. I know what you mean about the sizes. Last week I ordered a skirt from REI, and after very seriously studying the size guide, I selected XL. Well, it arrived and it was way too big! It's a tent! So then, I ordered three skirts from Amazon, two of them L and one L/XL. The two L's were still too big, but the L/XL fits perfectly, so that's the one I'm keeping of course. I'm s chicken when it comes to going into the stores to shop, so I bought a belt for the big REI skirt. I think and hope it will look okay with that. Take care, Emma

Things that come to mind (and there are surely more) when announcing oneself to others is. Stereotypes learned from television, simply the fear of the unknown, they don't watch television and make something up in their own mind, religion, if God made you a male you have no right to change this. Religion played into my transition on at least three people in my case but all three came around in the end. They had the decency to meet with me and ask questions. The woman I wrote about never did but now she is a chatterbox in recent days.

So, I had a follow-up appointment this week at Whitman-Walker. My blood tests came back normal, they received my recommendation letter from my therapist. I was prescribed T-blockers will get blood work again in three weeks and then if all goes well, start Estrogen two weeks after that (May 13th). So I have my script and I will pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait to get moving on this! All of the dark hairs did fall out two weeks after the laser. In the meantime, I don't need to wear so much makeup, which is awesome and makes me feel so much better. I had my therapy appointment. A lot of things happened this month that we covered. I am also going to start carrying recommendation and safety letters with me. Recommendation letters are for medical appointments, as needed. The safety letter if I get into a jam, particularly with law enforcement, for some other authority, should I need it (like getting pulled over). We also talked about coming out to my children, my pastor. After two years, my wife still hasn't seen me dressed. That is something I need to work on to set up a time with her to see me. I may just need to surprise her, but that is a last resort. I would rather not do that. I hope that everyone has had a good week. I love all of you! Lisa :)

Lisa, You really need to take your time introducing your wife to your being Trans, as the saying goes softly softly catchee monkey.......... None the less, I wish you good luck, and can tell you that you're in for an amazing journey........ Hugs, Eve

Don't get me started! It happens all the time >:|

I would like her to see me too. Part of it is we are so busy and we rarely get more than a couple of mins together alone because of the kids.

Dear Lisa, I can't imagine your wife not seeing you dressed after two years, and having started transition no less. I agree that surprising her would likely backfire. I just hope you two can talk about it and set up a place and time for her to get to know the new you. I think that is a higher priority to discuss with your therapist than coming out to your children and pastor, but that's only my opinion and obviously don't walk in your shoes. Emma

Good luck with the skirt :)

Hi Kaylee, Such a nice note, thank you. And, I really did laugh out loud reading your light bulb joke. I'm definitely going to remember that one! You put into words a vague feeling I had about what was behind her words. I was also wondering if I was being tested to see if I was worthy of joining the club. I've heard that she may not come again to the meetings but the earliest will be August. Actually, I am also thinking of wearing a skirt at the next meeting! I ordered one that should arrive tomorrow. I'm confident the therapist would allow me to come a few minutes early to put it on. I'm feeling excited by that, like stepping a little further into the pool. Thanks again, Emma

Hi Emma, It sounds like your sister at the meeting has some of the same qualities I see in others of her generation. Specifically, the idea that because it was hard for them then it should be hard for you. I should expect she had to spend a lot of her life being someone else, pretending. Finally, when she knew who she was, she probably had to spend a very long time explaining it. Justifying it. She may even feel like being transgender is almost a 'club', for which the price of admission is soul-searching, justification and suffering. Anyone who has not done those things is not really transgender and needs to shape up or find somewhere else to sling their hook. Naturally she's mistaken, and whilst I can only sympathise with her for whatever hardships have given her a flint-like edge you are well within your rights to feel hurt. She hurt you and must take responsibility for that. There is no admission cost, there is no minimum level of suffering or pain one must go through. Being transsexual is as much a part of us as the sheen on our eyes or the subdermal scattering of our skin. There's an old joke that goes something like this: Q: "How many transsexuals does it take to change a light bulb?" A: "One. But only after they have first lived in the dark for at least two years and have the agreement of two psychiatrists that the bulb is, indeed, blown." The lengths we have to go to 'prove' who we are can have bad effects on people. They must take responsibility for inflicting that down on to others. You don't have to prove anything, however. There is no timescale, no measure and no schedule except your own. I'm sure the shirt and ballet shoes looked very nice and suited you well. Personally I found the first time I wore a long skirt to be almost like breathing freedom. Kaylee.

Here's another good one: Transgender Basics - Gender Identity Project (GIP)