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I am with you on dresses and skirts, not my cup of tea. In regards to makeup, I think it's best to do minimal amount that would make you happy, think of say mascara as a token to your womanhood rather than fully fledge do the whole face. What matters more than makeup in many cases is how you present yourself via smiling and body gestures really make the woman in my mind (thinking lesbian here). I see many females who wear virtually no makeup as the ones that get more eyes on them but everyone is different. In regards to where you live not the kindest place for a transgender have you considered picking up and moving to a place the is kind and friendly to transgender? I did a similar move that takes guts to pick up and leave but at least for me was more then worth the struggles to start a new life, any ways something to consider.

Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters. I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain. See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past. Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!

Friends, My mother, may God rest her soul, said, a teenage girl often puts on way too much makeup and a woman in her 30's or more, who could stand a little makeup, goes without! LOL! Personally, as a cisgender Lesbian, I wear lipstick only for special occasions, as I am allergic to all other types of makeup. Monica

I like the analogy of this journey parallel to a ride on a train but for many it's a rollercoaster in that there are many ups and downs along the way, when there is a down pick yourself up and make that low into a high. This journey is never ending as I see it but at some point things will flatten out and become a new norm which you may not recognize as what happen in my case. If possible don't dwell on the negative but how you can turn the negative into a learning experience and be better equipped to deal with it if this happens again. Try and meet each and every day with a smile, smiling is contagious which can turn negative thoughts of others into positive thoughts which will come back you way a hundred fold and smiling is a freebie.

Hi Maddysyn, I can barely imagine how hard this all must be for you. I've never been to Wyoming but in photos it looks so beautiful but also very conservative. I also agree with you completely about just wanting to blend in, but even that is so elusive for you. Last and so important, you wife and son are turning their backs on you. All I can think of to say is that you came to the right place to air your situation and look for feedback and support. I can tell that you are a sincere and loving woman and deserve the same love and acceptance of anyone. Keep on writing your story. Let's hear it honey and I hope you will feel a little better. Hugs, Emma

I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh> As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply. Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other. I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it. I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks. She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end. She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want. About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out. When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too. So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her. Emma

Christie and Emma, All aboard on the TG train! Seriously, in my opinion, trying to decide on gender and sexual orientation, or sexual orientation BEFORE gender, is confusing. It is best to find your true gender (internal gender), THEN sexual orientation, IN REFERENCE to the true gender, to know sexual orientation. Just as an adolescent experimenting with sexuality does not reflect on true sexual orientation (exploring homosexuality does not make him or her a homosexual, for example), when one first transitions, just like an adolescent, the person may explore different sexual orientations, before finding the sexual orientation that is right for him or her. Changing your mind on your sexual orientation does not make you a liar . . . as we all are a work in progress . . . Monica

I were half tempted to start a youtube channel but my internet sucks badly and i dont have a good setup area or subjects to talk about. My boyfriend wants to start one off to do video gaming with, like Markiplier (awesome by the way, check him out)

It was actually my doctor who recommended it but that is a fantastic idea!!! I might call her up today and ask that of her! Thanks! And I actually am a writer but mostly medieval/fantasy/romance/horror XD

Maddysyn, I second everything that Emma said! And also that it's understandable to regret things, but I hope you keep in mind that this is always new territory for everyone, things are bound to not go smoothly! So learn from it, and move on (I know that's much easier said than done!) xoxo Christie