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Christie, That sounds great. Good for you. Getting started is part of the battle! Lisa

Karen, This is such a helpful entry - especially since I'm in a bit of shopping frenzy recently It's the "keeping in mind how old you are" part that is especially problematic for me. I think mainly for the reason that I am "coming out" a little older and regretting that I missed the chance to dress younger - but I'm working past that, and the further along my transition that I go the easier I find it to accept who I am, age and all. Spending too much time regretting the past now is just likely to lead to more regret later (regretting that I regretted so much - a vicious cycle). xoxo Christie

Warren. I honestly feel for you and others who are in the same predicament, can't imagine the pain and hardship you are going through and pray that somehow things will get better for you. This is a clear case where there should be a program from the government or insurance that would take care of your needs as it seems other things that is done for people with aliments are handled that are not gender related. Society believes (because they are not educated on transgender) we who are transgender can shrug these feels off by flipping a switch if we really wanted to yet the reality is that switch is non-existing and that it only gets worst as we grow older.

I told you you were determined! well done brave soul. Remember the Emla cream for your top lip, (can you get that in the US?) and at first wherever you have the electrolysis, but it ges less and less painful incrementally, I've just come back from electrolysis myself today, and I don't really feel too much pain these days. Think of it as a wasp sting, and tell yourself not to cry and be a baby, that's what I did. I shave the morning before an appointment and not on the morning of the appointment. Having said that, as I progressed - and it's been a long and winding road - my hairs got weaker and weaker and therefore easier to treat, so yours will probably do the same. The flip side is that hairs don't grow as fast. Some of my Trans friends go without shaving for 2 -3 days ata time, but I don't like even the minutest stubble. Hope you stick with it, it's worth not having a dark shadow. You probably have the US spelling of endocrinologist Oxo...... also used for gravy and stews in the UK ! I'm so happy for you. Eve x

Karen, Noticed that, too, when I viewed your photographs as a man. Think you are a handsome man and now a very pretty woman. Monica

Dear Lisa, That's great advice for ANYBODY! You INSPIRE me!! Your friend, Monica

Warren, I completely agree with Karen's comments, especially the need for medical support from somewhere for people who are suffering and can't afford what they need. At times I almost hope the republicans kill off Obamacare so that another push for socialized medicine might happen (with all of the people who would suddenly find themselves not covered it could happen). I found over time that most of my anger comes from a general feeling of powerlessness (pretty intense at times). And you're right, it's absurd to think that someone would "choose" to be transgender when that would only make the feeling worse. Ultimately I know the only thing I can really control is my own response to things - but that is far easier said than done. Please do keep writing! I think it helps to share feelings, and you never know when you'll get some helpful feedback. (And I think the way the system works now is that the latest blog entries do go at the time of the list, so no need to worry about people seeing your entries) xoxo Christie

Can't wait to read your book

Hi, I've bought the book and have read the first few chapters, for me there's a great deal of resonance in the story................. Cheers, Eve

"She called me by my birth name over text (because she doesn't like to hear the truth when she asks my opinion, apparently). I corrected her, and her response was, "well it's not official yet!"" While I'm sure this probably stung, maybe it's not as bad as it seems. I questioned my brother's actions a few years ago, but members helped me pretty much see that he most likely really didn't mean anything. I think the biggest problem was that I called him on something, and he became defensive. That could be where your sister's comment, "well it's not official yet," came from. That doesn't excuse it, but it might explain it. "This is the most shocking because she has actually had diversity and sensitivity training with her job, which included an LGBTQ section and focused on transgender discrimination." Now that I've somewhat defended her... I will say this much about employer-mandated sensativity training: such training is not going to change someone who doesn't want to be changed. And really, I'm pretty sure that sending employees to sensativity training is just a company's way of covering it's rear, to make sure their employees treat "anyone different" respectfully. It's to cut down on grievances and possible lawsuits. Sensativity training normally is not elective. Too often, many people don't like being forced to go to them. And most of them see it as a challenge to their [sorry] character. Hopefully she'll come around. -Michael

That's a shame - clearly having sensitivity training doesn't necessarily mean one will be sensitive, but it's especially troubling in a family setting (though probably pretty common). When I spoke with my sister several weeks ago she just flat-out rejected the idea that I'm trans (including saying "you don't look like a girl"). I haven't communicated with her since then for the same reason you mentioned, I'm not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation (fortunately I'm much closer to friends, who are supportive, than family)

At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react. There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Woohoo, that is wonderful, what a year you had

Christie, and Emma , I am so very grateful I did get to hear those wonderful word "oh sound like you may be transgender" As I too lived in total shame. Along with self loathing and hated and many other negative thoughts, before I heard those beautiful words. I just wish I could of heard them at age 24 , instead of 54 . None the less I will take it, better late than never. As I am alive for the first time in my life, feeling better than I ever have in my life. And I feel this good and I've not even started HRT yet!! Hugs, Dawn

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.