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A couple or three months ago, I discovered a new channel in my cable channel line-up, and in doing so, spotted "Starsky and Hutch" in the primetime programming. I hadn't seen it since it went off the air, though I did see the 2004 movie. I've been watching the 1975-79 show since then, enjoying the action, and seeing things I never saw before. What? I watched "S&H" religiously. I even remembered that the show, at least for a while, came on on Wednesdays. So why wasn't I able to sit back and watch the show and think to myself on occasion, "oh yeahhhh... I remember this episode!" It was like I was seeing each episode for the first time night after night. After about two weeks, I started googling stuff about the show - something you couldn't do back in 1975. How can someone who was such a fan, remember only the characters? Oh, and the opening theme song. I also liked that big cannon of a .357 Magnum that Hutch used. And I remember that brown and white cardigan that Starsky wore on occasion. I even had a similar cardigan. I loved that cardigan. However, show after show, I failed to recognize any of the episodes. Every so often, it seemed like a memory was about to be triggered. And eventually, there was a scene in one episode that I thought I remembered. Or maybe I just convinced myself that I remembered because it got to the point that I felt like I had to remember. I should remember. I didn't even remember the touchy-feely-makes-you-wonder-if-they're-gay-lovers-but-they're-always-after-the-girls kinda characters. After a couple more weeks of watching "S&H" reruns, and still not recognizing any of the episodes, I started wondering why. Yes, I liked Hutch's gun - I had a toy gun similar to his when I was a kid. And I liked Starsky's cardigan. Did I mention that I really like that cardigan? And that sweater I had made me sorta feel like Starsky. Then it hit me - I couldn't remember the show itself because of Starsky - I wished I was Detective David Starsky. With that .357 Magnum (instead of Hutch). That's why I can't really remember any of the episodes. When I watched the show each week, I apparently "stepped into the TV," pretending to be Starksy. I was the cop that got into shoot-outs, wild chases in that slick lookin' Torino, always lost out on the pretty girls to my partner. Hutch was annoying like that. Now that I'm older, and have found different ways to be me...I can sit back and watch "S&H" for the first time. But I guess somewhere deep down, I still sorta wish I was Starsky...

In six hours I have my last meal until who knows when since I will be still under the affects of anesthesia and was informed that it will be best to stick with things like soup, crackers and clear drinks for the day after surgery. After GRS I ate two light meals each day for the first two days so my guess is this will be no different. Just took a five hour energy drink so I stay awake to around mid-night which will help me with several extra hours that if awake would be hungry. My friend is due at around 9AM with her son. Her son is driving us to the hospital around 10AM which is one hour early because he needs to be some place else. My friend gave me a grocery list to get food for her as she does not drive and I can not drive for two days (oh, we will see about cutting that done to one day). So after 9 AM tomorrow morning I will be off the air here until I am guessing Thursday. On purpose I recorded about 60 shows on television so I don't get bored (well I may very well get bored from watching television) the first several days after surgery. I am hoping by Friday to get out at least to my favorite coffee place which is just five minutes or less down the road. Some might wonder how I feel inside? No different than right before gender reassignment surgery, kind of like going to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I expect joyful emotions to kick in by the weekend. In closing out, I asked the surgeon to give me copies of images of me after surgery and will post them on my comcast ftp site sometime next week with before pictures too,

Today I took a somewhat surprisingly big step, at least it was big in the fact that I hadn't anticipated how nervous it would make me. I've been dressing entirely female for the past few weeks, with only a couple of necessary exceptions (which won't happen again), but my shoes have been relatively obscure. I'm wearing women's shoes, but typically either sneakers or boots, shoes that don't necessarily read as female. Today I'm wearing a pair of black flats, these very definitely read as female. It made me a bit nervous, but I survived I was thinking on the way in about the fact that it gets easier each time you go out with something new and realized that it's very true, and very quick being in NYC. I live in Jersey City and work in lower Manhattan, so from the time I leave home until I get in to work, I literally see and am seen by 100s of people. That's quite a change from when I used to live in North Carolina (so many years ago), where I might see nobody until I got in to work (except in passing cars). On an unrelated note, I went to the Taco Bell near me last night on the way home and the boy (yes boy, he couldn't be more than 20 years old) complimented my nail polish. That was quite nice - it came across very naturally, which I really liked!

I wasn't much of a Starsky and Hutch fan, maybe because my fantasies were more about being one of the females. I used to love watching Star Trek, both when it was new and in re-runs and I recall the details of many episodes. But man, did I want to be Yeoman Rand! Emma

In one way I am not surprised that they still have this show running as it was a great show (yet I don't remember any episodes), For some odd reason they remind me of Hall and Oats, go figure. I bet many back then wish they were one of them. Any ways good to hear you have found some perspective watching them.

Good luck with the implants Karen, really hope you like the results. Eve x

I cant help but feel slightly offbalanced knowing that I haven’t posted a blog in a while, and that my last blog was rather…eh, how to put it…..rabid? Furious? Either way, I’m not entirely proud of it and I apologize for the negative ranting that you all so lovingly put up with. Sometimes we just got to get it out of our systems I guess. No worries though, today’s is less snapping teeth and clenched fists. Today is sort of just a wander around and poking at flowers while caving in anthills type of blog. So, I did meet with my doctor for my last insurance-covered visit, just to get an update on meds and whatnot. So since around this time last year I have officially lost aprox’ 30pnds. Either from feeling more myself with the transition, maybe depression meds, or maybe it was just gonna happen anyway; either way I’m glad for it. Though I don’t feel like I have more energy, and my fight with clothing still persists, I do feel slightly better knowing I weigh a bit less. Aside from the rather lose and baggy skin left over, I’m a little happier with my body. I cannot credit it to workouts, however, because I’ve honestly not done enough of it to even consider it being a contribute to the weight loss. It’s too hard to breathe and function during workouts with such a heavy bust, and I applaude any woman who can do it comfortably. In other news, my neighbor/mom/gramma (she hasn’t decided which she likes best lol, SUPER supportive of my transgender awesomeness) has hooked me up over facebook with her friend Alan, who apparently is HUGE into LGBTQI rights(apparently the new LGBT) and is a CEO or something for some big company. Apparently he wants to talk to me about my transgenderness and the surgery thing and whatnot. Naturally I’m nervous as hell to talk to him, and not sure what to expect out of all of this. But hell, its worth a shot right? You never know. Ive joined a few groups on facebook for a little boost of support and know-how, such as a Pansexual group and a few transgender groups. It’s rather uplifting to talk to other ‘uniques’ such as myself, and I’m proud to be a confident panda (pansexual. We have a nickname! Schweet!) And although I cannot rule out thoughts of self harm now and again, I am a little proud to say that I am 100% healed and haven’t harmed since I quit my job. So that’s good I guess. Naturally I still have thoughts and such, but so far with the help of my sister (not biological but I’ll be damned if she aint my sister!) Destinee, I’ve been able to withhold these urges and stay clean of it. I slowly got more into photography again, though its only here and there, because the bugs in my area are HORRIBLE and I hate going outside with these little bastards and getting eaten alive. But I have noticed that my area of interest has been the sky, and I rather enjoy “screenshooting” the clouds. I’ll post some pics with this blog to show some, from the most recent thunderstorm in my area. Other than that, there isn’t much to talk about in this blog, as nothing has been too awfully exciting lately. Although my little sister/bro (theyre still figuring out, but may be gender fluid, which is totally fine with me) is coming down this week (after a frustrating debate with my mother on letting them come down -_-) for my birthday My birthday is May 22nd, so this Friday, and I’m turning 23 I’m taking my lil punk to the hair salon, and the both of us are gonna get cuts and they might bleach theirs. I don’t think I’ll bleach mine but am looking into dying it dark blue just for something different! Then, hopefully, the plum island beach on Saturday! So excited! I’m an ocean-aholic……. Sending you more pics soon, Warren

Christie, I agree with you 100% about Jacklyn Smith. I suppose the one for me that trumps all others? My namesake, Mrs. Emma Peel (Diana Rigg) of The Avengers! Oh, but let's not forget Julie Andrews, Stephanie Powers, Mary Tyler Moore, Sally Field, Julie Newmar, Barbara Feldon, Natalie Wood, Marlo Thomas, Patty Duke, .... and, Shirley Temple!!! Emma

Best of luck! I look forward to hearing how it goes xoxo Christie

My fantasies were more about Charlie's Angels - my dream was being Jaclyn Smith. I think she was the most elegantly glamorous

Happy to hear going out is getting easier for you and will eventually be no male brain left that thinks about being nervous.

Hi Christie, I'm so glad that you're confidence is growing, well done and yes it does get easier after each time you go out, and after each new thing that you do as a female, I'm proud of you! Eve oxo !!!!!

Update: Just received a text from one another female friend, she will be in town on Sunday and visit me along with hitting my fav coffee shop woohoo!!!

I like the idea of "no male brain left," that is a way of thinking about this that hadn't occurred to me. A couple of months ago when I was discussing my transition with one of my supervisors she said she thought that I was talking about going to work wearing skirts. At that time I said no, I was going for female, but not that far yet. But now I feel like just a few weeks in the idea of wearing a skirt to work isn't that far off. I think that might happen after I see sufficient results from the electrolysis that I'm starting tomorrow (I don't want to have 5 o'clock shadow while wearing a skirt)

Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate it! --Lisa

I've been doing better this last week, however had a pretty pivotal conversation with my wife. She hasn't wanted to talk about what I'm doing, doctor's appt, electrolysis, etc. But on Saturday night, she told me that she wanted to talk about it. So I told her what I was doing (even though I had told her what I was doing before) and she basically told me she felt like she was on a rollercoaster ride that she did not sign up for. That going on hormones and seeing me dressed were nails in the coffin of our marriage. In other words, we are done and it is just a matter of time. I told her that I totally understood, that I do not blame her for her feelings and that I love her. She basically told me that she was having a difficult time dealing with this psychologically, that she was burying herself in the kids, activities, television, Internet, etc. to avoid thinking about it. The next morning, mother's day, I woke up and just cried. It's amazing. She is a special, special person. Lately, I've been having a lot of sex dreams with her, but she wants nothing to do with me. But, that is okay. This stuff is really, really hard. I've been dealing with it my entire life, and now everyone else gets to deal with it, along side me. My immediate concern is that I don't make her angry. I'm not going to walk around on eggshells round her, however I am going to respect where she is at and the boundaries. I did tell her that I needed to start hormones soon, because it will take 2 - 3 years for the changes to happen (like I really know). She was supportive of that. That is really all that I can ask. Keep the hair removal and hormones going. My follow up appointment is this Wednesday at 5pm to find out if I can start estrogen. My blood tests came back normal after starting the Spiro, so I'm hoping that is an affirmative and I walk away with a prescription for estrogen. Hopefully, in two months or so, i can start finasteride to address the hair loss. But he said that he'll most likely cut back on the spiro to do that. Whatever. I am hopeful for the future, but know that there is a much higher chance that this will not go well, at least initially, and that I will not get the support that I need. But there is nothing that I can do about how people act or feel. But there is much more uncertainty now in my future. I still have not had that talk with my pastor. In fact, I had to skip the vestry meeting tonight because today was a rough day for me. So I still need to do that. Still need to tell my kids. My wife wants me to hold off. Because she feels that my daughter is having a rough time. But I feel like the time is now before she gets older. I love all of you and hope that you had a good week. Please send me an email or comment. I love hearing from everyone. --Lisa

Lisa, Are there any kind of support groups near you? (I was surprised that I haven't been able to find any in NYC, so I have no idea how common they are anywhere else.) The strength and courage that you're showing is inspiring - and also the fact that you clearly do care about how your wife is handling it. I'm sure it might feel easier at times to just walk away (I do know that from experience, I was married when I came out as gay - as it turns out the "coming out" part was right, just maybe not the gay part). Hopefully if you give her the space she needs she might come around and at least be supportive (more supportive I guess, since she is being a little supportive already). xoxo Christie

Thanks for sharing. Thinking about your spouse, I watched a show called "New Girls on the Block" last weekend where a man has been transitioning with what he thought was with his wife's support but she was not happy at all. What she did for closure since she still loves the person inside was interesting, they held a funeral for his former male self where he (of course) was not invited. Not totally sure if it worked or not but after I have heard so many stories of spouses having issues coping with their spouse transitioning that this might be an opinion for some or put a twist on it so the spouse has some form of closure.

Karen and Eve, Thank you both for your comments! Fear is definitely the big thing, but I know I can work through that And Eve, the "o's" in "xoxo" are hugs xoxo Christie

Hey Christie, it gets easier and easier the more you go out. There seems to be some confusion as to being yourself and being someone else! I had this too, but you really need to go out unconcerned, just getting on with whatever it is that you're doing, if you don't do this you won't look natural. Nothing wrong with wearing a wig, I have to (but a combination of Finasteride tabs and Decapeptyl injections are working wonders in the hair replacement dept!), and it's hell in the Summer, which keeps me moving for cooling purposes! Karen's advice is good, smiles are always helpful as well as keeping eyes wide open at the same time, but try to keep it natural, not like someone who's been startled. The clothes you wear are going to help a hell of a lot, try to dress your age, if you intend going in a leather mini skirt and thigh boots you will be instantly read as a "tranny tart" (sorry for anyone upset at my lack of political correctness). In my case I wear ankle boots with a 2-3 inch comboy boot style block heel, black trousers, a nice top and something long, e.g. a longline jacket or a knee length coat, these hide my lack of hips and also hide tucked junk to an extent. I try to keep tops long, typically down to the crotch/backside area, sometimes these are referred to as tunics, also for me sleeves are a must to hide my "bricklayer style" arms. Hair that can cover some of my broad shoulders is also helpful. But all that can be termed as "props", you just have to be as natural as you can be, so going out forgetting that you are in womens clothes etc is a good way to do this, I do do this now, but I had to go through all the unnatural nervous stuff, luckily I survived without any problems, I do remember feeling great after my first few outings. Eye contact when you are talking to someone is an absolute must, I've spoken to many and my voice is awful, but I get away with it, people believe what they see, not what they hear, unless on the phone of course. So, I've said this before a few entries ago, and here it is again; Believe in yourself, be who you really are. (that's yourself!) If you don't do this, you will soon be seen as false, or to state it in a way that most Trans people will recognise, you will be read or you won't pass!, so heed my message! Cheers, Eve x P.S. What are the O's in xoxoxo

I think you or on the right track and must know by now that the more you get out the easier it will be. Find something to do before getting out of house i.e. listen to up beat music, concentrate on the music and forget about what will happen when you leave the house, be your female self. When out and about remember when appropriate to look at people when talking to them, make eye contact and of course smile. Bottom line, don't let fear rule your life (yes it's easier said than done but I have been there).