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Our stories all will be very different, as has been pointed out our individual backgrounds will play out so much. I know that when I've read many of the stories from people who knew as a child that they were born into the wrong body there is often a story or stories about harsh reactions when they displayed their correct gender. In my case, my parents were, how do I put this nicely, ambivalent. As a very young child my best friend was a girl who lived down the street, we played as girls typically would. If my parents even realized that (they probably didn't) they wouldn't have reacted harshly. I think it's often the harsh responses that imprint the memory, without it you might bury the memory more. Their ambivalence could have been good, in that it might have left me free to explore who I was, but it didn't work that way. They also didn't do anything to make me feel any sense of self-esteem so as soon as I came into contact with other social forces (elementary school) I crumbled and while I didn't do much to fit into a typically male mode I also stayed away from anything female (and thus spend many days after school at home watching TV).

Hi Emma, No I didn't think it risky at all, point of fact is that my past doesn't need to be secret, just the same as I don't really mind if people (public) know, realise or think that I'm trans, I obviously prefer them thinking that I'm female, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm just me. As Karen has said above, I have come to terms with myself, but also with my past. Eve

Hi Eve, Thanks very much for your post. I imagine you felt it's kind of risky. But if you can't risk with us, who can you risk with? !!! I greatly appreciate your openness, concerns, and sure, your commitment. Airing your feelings is very healthy for you and your readers. I think we all wonder at times about our motivations and it's good to reflect on our histories, especially childhood, when our raw innocence cannot be denied. Emma

Thinking about "I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life" and your physical traits not in alignment with the internal you, one must realize there is always the part of how one is brought up plays into the entire picture which does not in anyway diminish the girl (thinking young age) within. Many males who are female inside can exhibit GI Joe characteristics while a female who is male inside may come off as Barbie for the sole purpose of saying "I am really this gender" but deep below it's a lie. My point being there is social reasons for the gender traits and ones to disguise who we are truly inside. Anyways what I read is A typical of people like me, you and others and it (at least to me) is wonderful that we live in a time were the internet provides us information from others to validate or invalidate our own mental self that we are truly not alone and not an anomaly or sexual deviate but instead very much sane once we come to terms with what we are going through.

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing. Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old. One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us. Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that. Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there. Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh. Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship. Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol) I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging. I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne Thanks for sticking with me on this!

Karen, I feel some resonance with your entry, I must write a new entry on my own blog...................It's been bothering me for some time. Eve

When I was in HS, I was thin as twig at 89lbs even though I ate a lot of food, all the time. I was often mistaken as an anorexic because of my size. Come to think of it, I don't know if I was hungry, or ate to gain weight - which never happened. Fast food was only a treat, about 3 times a year, or if we were on vacation driving two days to get to our destination. I walked all the time, mostly because my bus stop was the last stop before school, and it was extremely crowded. When I entered college and moved out on my own, I discovered fast food. For all of my meals. I was pretty much living that "Super Size Me" documentary, before it was made. I remember being happy that I was finally gaining weight and looking healthy. Then looking healthy went into a little chubby, then fat, then... ugh, size 24 (women's, which is around a 46 men's, I think). Although I was probably bigger but refused to buy any bigger. It's been many years since I changed my diet and lifestyle and started loosing weight. My goal is to fit into a 34 comfortably. I have been stuck in between 36-38 (do men's pants come in a 37?) for close to three years, and I'm pretty much stuck at 180lbs, no matter how much I work out. I'm just getting so frustrated with putting in all the effort and not seeing results!

Dear Brigsby and Christie, Diet beverages have been shown to increase weight gain because they increase the appetite for sweet foods. Am so sorry you gained weight by eating at McDonald's, and wish you had consulted a nutritionist to gain weight in a healthy way. It is not too late . . . especially for young people. You may have blown out your adrenal glands and may have to lose it slowly in a healthy fashion. Avoid the fad diets and seek lifetime lifestyle changes. Monica

Karen, seems like Debbie was zeroing in on your female energy. My God! She sounds like a heavy butch! Only a heavy butch would be bold enough to do something like that! Monica

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.

This has been bothering me for some time now, I have never felt as if I was born in the wrong body as many who have transitioned have. I have never really understood why I had it in me, or what caused me to want to transition to female. Sounds kind of daft to admit to that doesn't it, well it does to me anyway, I pretty much can't go back even if I wanted to, which I definately don't. After reading Becoming Drusilla, and Karen Paynes latest blog entry, it becomes ever more apparent to me, that signs of the female side of my self were there all along, from a reasonably early age, I just couldn't see it at the time. Was it social conditioning, or too much testosterone that hid my femme self? Perhaps both. I have had a number of girlfriends when I was in my late teens and early twenties, all of whom were good looking, yes I was quite choosey about that. More than one of them said to me that they had thought or dreamt of another of my male friends who was cross dressed, but the scary thing was that this other guy had the same first name as myself, and yes I was secretly cross-dressing at that time. Where they trying to broach the subject of cross dressing because they suspected me, and wanted to make it easier for me to talk about it? I always wanted to buy them what could only be termed tarty but sexy clothing, so I suspect it must have made them wonder why. There were earlier signs too when I was very young perhaps 5 or 6 years old, I came across an elder female cousins high heeled knee boots, leather jacket, and motorcycle helmet (She was in her late teens and had arrived at our house on her parents motorcycle and sidecar) I was truly attracted to them in my innocence, and put the on, although obviously they didn't fit, anyway I was clumping around in them when I was discovered, all the adults of course laughed, because they thought it was childish innocent play. In my later years I just thought that it was a fetish, perversion, or kink - call it what you will. I now know that there has always been a very female side to me ever since I was born, but I'm still unsure of why. I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life and testosterone has ravaged my body, leaving me prior to coming out as Trans with a stocky, hairy, wide shouldered and narrow hipped body with male pattern baldness, not at all what most people (including myself at that time) would have thought of as Transgender material. Perhaps it was these factors that had kept my female self from becoming apparent to me at that time. Point is, that by reading the stories of others can help understanding of one's self (sorry for the Britishness) and in my case my evolvement to transitioning. Thank God others have trodden a similar path to me, before me, and have been bothered enough to record it. Thank you all, don't stop recording your path. Eve xx

Echoing Monica's advice here, but "lifestyle changes" is not very well defined. Maybe it would help to give you some of my story: About fifteen years ago my waist size was 38 and I knew I was headed to 40, tipping the scales at almost 200 pounds. I don't remember what I weighed back in HS and college, but I suppose it was in the mid-150s. My doctor was increasingly concerned, starting having "The Talk" with me about possible diabetes, and I got suitably scared. The good news is that I was able to reduce. I used the Atkins approach, pretty religiously, along with bicycle riding for exercise. I got down to about 36 waist size and 165-170 pounds, and thought I was pretty much done for about ten years. But then it seemed my glucose levels were still staying higher than the doctor wanted to see. So, I got religion again, counting calories and carbs, and am now at about 155#, 34" waist (comfortable), and my blood tests look great. It is hard to do at times. But I do enjoy desserts from time to time, and I really enjoy a glass of wine or a beer. Nothing to excess. When we go out to eat which isn't very often, I do enjoy some bread and butter. At home we often have a nice big salad topped with chicken that I BBQ, and with olive oil and balsamic vinegar for dressing. Oh, and did I mention a glass of wine? The other thing I found necessary for me is to every single day... weigh myself. Yes, it sounds extreme, but only then do I see if my weight is staying about where I want it, or if it's trending up. It never goes down without my attention. My weight tends to fluctuate about a pound up and down, anyway, so if I didn't monitor it, then I would not know where I am in that cycle. Lastly, turn it into a game. Don't make it into a "I'll never be able to have cake (or pick your poison) again! Woe is me!" If you do that then it's so hard to stay motivated because you feel like your starving yourself and life's just too short. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back when you lose a pound. And look forward to buying new (smaller) clothes! Okay, I'll get off my soap box. Send me a PM if you'd like more thoughts... Good luck, Emma

Hi Brigsby, At the risk of repeating myself, I hope you feel more than welcome here, because you ARE. We're always delighted to get to know new members and greatly appreciate their Forum comments and posts, as well as their blogs. I hope we continue to hear a lot from you. Hugs, Emma

I am super grateful for the internet, as I feel a major lack of face to face community in my city. It seems the majority of the programs I found are for transwomen, 16-29 youth, or 50+ older people. The ONE support group that I have found for transmen at the popular LGBTQ centre has issues with ONE person which they can not seem control (which is sad, because so many new faces show up once, then never return). Also, I haven't found anything for the 30-45 age group. I have no idea what it's like to have or feel a sense of "community" and wish this wasn't so.

Got it

When I said, "It's been many years since I changed my diet and lifestyle and started loosing weight", cutting all pop was a MAJOR part of that. I don't remember the last time I had something that contains carbonation or aspartame! Before that, I drank a lot of Coke Zero, like it was going out of style. It IS my favourite drink of ALL TIME! I miss it dearly! And yes, I lost the most weight the fastest after and I noticed a major difference in the way I felt after I cut it out completely. The reason for the title of this post, is because cake and Coke are what I miss the most!

I think men's pants technically come in odd sizes, but mostly even? I'm wondering from the title of this entry if you drink Coke Zero? I have read that even diet soda can hamper dieting efforts, possibly even worse than regular soda. I was hugely addicted to soda (mainly diet pepsi) and I gave it up completely about a month ago. I think it's had a positive impact on my own dieting efforts.

Well.........shame there's not a 'love this' option after Crissiesan's entry, and the very sage comments too. I look at it like this, when you're in the mist it's not easy to see the way ahead, so this creates a state of confusion and doubt etc., Crissiesan when you get out of the mist, all the doubts will dissapear. How do you go about getting out of the mist? Well you could wait for the weather to clear, i.e. wait for social change, or you can try to move out of the mist in different directions until you find your path ahead, I guess some would call it pushing your personal envelope. Hugs, Eve

Thank you for this! I think you have used that quote before, but I'm glad you said it again, it really is a great mantra! I also noticed today that when I think about being "male" again it's always "going back," which means thinking as a female is becoming my norm

Hey Warren, I also liked the cartoon and assumed you'd drawn it. What a bummer about the beach. We don't get as crowded out here in Northern California but indeed the traffic can get thick. I'm always pushing to get started a little earlier to beat the rush. I would also be seriously bummed to have talked to K. We can assume (hope) that she was just having a bad day and you were unfortunate to be on the receiving end of her crap. Or she's always like this. Either way it has nothing to do with you. You're cool, we know that, and you don't deserve that kind of tone or treatment from anyone. No way, no how. Dammit. I also don't blame you for being reduced to tears. Why not? You're bravely putting yourself on the firing line, stepping in front, leading the way. Yes, it absolutely sucks to keep getting this kind of response. We're all pulling for YOU, Warren. Many warm hugs, Emma

Thank you for being so supportive , Emma. I am a little down right now but I'm going to try and focus on being positive.

Dear Winter, I'm so sorry to hear this from you and I'm not surprised to hear you're feeling depressed. I think what you are experiencing is what we all fear: rejection, loneliness, despair, and all that self-questioning: am I doing the right thing? How crazy am I? Well, you're not. No, I don't know you at all of course. But being TG isn't a "choice" the way that others would see it. It is what it is. And if you're on the Transgender Train I think it's best to get started and ride it out, to whatever stop(s) you decide to get off at. In the meantime may I suggest that you keep on blogging, let us know how you're doing, and allow us to give whatever support we can. Hugs, Emma

At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react. There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.