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Hi everyone, Just a quick update - on Wednesday my therapist said she would write the letter I need for the endocrinologist, and I have an appointment to see him on August 6 (I made the appointment before having the letter knowing that there would be some lag before I could actually get an appointment, he's apparently very busy). I know there are some tests they'll have to do first, but my medical history at least doesn't seem to have any counterindicators to HRT. So I'm hopeful that by mid to late August I'll have started. Every thought that I have about it is positive - it makes me feel happy, content, sometimes excited - never hesitation. I think having some time pass since the school-wide announcement went out, and the fact that I'm presenting more and more female, has allayed much of the fear that I felt earlier. It's gotten to the point where it's strange to hear or use my prior name! (I'm also starting to look into a legal name change). One thing that I'm a little hung up on right now is rest rooms. The schools position is simply that I should use whichever rest rooms I feel are appropriate. The problem is that I still feel like I'm presenting somewhere in the middle, so I think I feel a little uncomfortable using either! (they are planning to add a gender-neutral rest room, which I'd probably start using until I feel that I sufficiently "pass"). Then of course there are rest rooms in other places! Ugh. Interestingly, the bar that I often go to recently moved (and changed it's motif a bit - it's now officially a "drag bar"), and they now have "Men" and "Women" on their restrooms, which they didn't at the previous location! It seems like step backwards to me :-) That's where I am now - I have a few more days off before going back to work, a little more time for introspection before rejoining the working world! xoxo Christie

Christie, Similar to Karen when I dressed androgynously I used the male toilets, but if I dressed female I used the womens loos. There's an almost protocol over here that if you dress female and are reasonably convincing you use the womens. Anyway it reminds me of my first time out dressed as female, my boobs were nothing more than mole hills at that time, so I didn't have much confidence at all. Anyway two of my full-time trans friends decided that it'd be good to take me out shopping in Birmingham city centre............. I was nervous as hell. Anyway out we went and it came to pass that I needed the loo for more than a pee, nervousness I guess. Anyway we went into the Bullring (really large new shopping mall), and I nervously went into the ladies, and darted into the first cubicle available to me, conducted my business and reached for the toilet paper.....................which wasn't there, so that's why there were queues for the other cubicles and not this one , Eve you're such a Jackass! I couldn't ask next door for some paper because my voice is not very female, and I envisaged screams of there's a man in the ladies loos, and security guards coming in to remove me...................oh shit what will I do? I then remembered that my wife had made me put two packs of paper hankies in my hand bag. Anyway you might be able to imagine my relief............and it makes an amusing story now. Point of the above parable is to be prepared and keep paper hankies in your handbag! Cheers, Eve

Dysphoria was hitting hard today. Has been for the past few days, actually. Although today while I were at the store, someone in the line behind me called me Sir which was awesome. But it was too hard to enjoy it when I were in pain. I refuse to go anywhere anymore because it hurts...I cant wear my binder anymore. My chest size has AGAIN gone up. Bumping me from a DD to a DDD size. I'll admit, its soul crushing. It made me want to curl up in a ball and cry until it eventually killed me. It hurts....the weight, the binding, my ribs...It just hurts so much. And there's nothing I can do about it. It hurts not only emotionally but physically, more than I could possibly express. My ribs ache like never before, and going to my doctor about it was only a punch in the gut. "Only thing I can suggest is stop binding. There's nothing else I can do to help other than your muscle relaxant meds I gave you..." she said. I dont hate her for it, she's doing what she can. But there's only so much she CAN do. On top of that, its fourth of July. But here I sit, home by myself, because my boyfriend went with his family to the family BBQ...which I cannot attend without a fight breaking out about me being transgender being a cry for attention. His sister-in-law even had the balls enough to message him with "im here if you ever need to talk about it". Like...really!? Thanks, I know he would appreciate talking to someone now and then, but what about me!? The person the family is shunning!?!?!? I want my surgery....I want it so bad and there's nothing I can do about it. No loans I can take out I can afford to pay off. They all want 300$ minimum for monthly payments, and I'm lucky to have 20$ in my pocket. I found a place where I can get it dont for 4500$ instead of the 9000$ but its all the way in the bottom of the country. I cant do that....Everything I want or need is so far out of my reach that it just makes me want to curl up and say **** the ****ing world, I'm done. I cant even bind anymore. And I cant afford a new binder. Even if I could..it hurts......so wtf is the point....... Only good news is if I change my VT birth certificate to Male, all of NH's documents has to honor that and change things to Male. But, again....what the **** is the point when I'm got DDD breasts that I can no longer hide? Feels like I'm slowly mentally killing myself here....And there's nothing I can do about it. Warren

This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking. If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards. Happy Fourth!!!

It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery. Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea. Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks. The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test. With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later. On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.

Oh & you look good by the way, sort of girl next door look....................

Warren, I can understand your frustrations to some extent and wish there was someway the system (thinking about say Medicare) could get you this surgery either for no charge or a greatly reduced charge. If you don't mind me asking, what state offers this for half the price?

All great suggestions! I think the hang-up for me is figuring out how female I am presenting. Chances are good that it's more than I think. I met an old friend for lunch last week (we were friends since we were 3 or 4 years old), we went to a restaurant in a small town near where we grew up (so very suburban). Each time the waitress came over she referred to us as "ladies." What made it nicer was that I hadn't done much as far as make-up, so even with fairly minimal effort I seen to present fairly female.

Eve, I totally agree about carrying paper hankies, in my case I carry tissues and several pantie liners.

Congratulations on moving forward!!! From personal experience dressing androgynous before surgery before actually publicly announcing my gender change I had a discussion with my boss then HR about changing gender. HR when I asked about restrooms said there was no policy so i was free to use either or. Since dressing androgynously I used the men's room. Now mind you I was not wearing skirts or wearing makeup (and pretty much 99.99 percent of the time don't wear makeup to this day). I thus was fine using the men's room and told HR once I had my surgery a public statement would be given by me which included I would be using the woman's restroom. Guess what I am saying is that my recommendation is use the restroom which fits how you are dressing rather than how you feel. If you do this most likely others will feel comfortable which should mean you will be more comfortable. If you do decide to use the woman's restroom I would recommend sending a company wide email out alerting others of your intentions so they are properly prepared.

Monica, In regards to medications being prescribed locally, I guess this may be possible but things like the poop extraction formula (bowel prep) would be difficult to pack if travelling. For EKG they are required a month prior to surgery. I had an EKG done locally, the doctor faxed the results to Marci and was confirmed by her assistant Robin. Morning of surgery they said "we can't find your EKG so we must do one now" and now is less than one hour before scheduled surgery thus not a time to argue the matter. So with that said one can be totally be prepared but the unexpected may happen as it did with me. Concerning bottom surgery + tracheal shave + top surgery. That should provide a discount but one must also consider their tolerance for pain. I had the shave and bottom surgery done and looking back would had been fine with top surgery also considering I do extremely well with pain. During my recovery and exiting the hospital I was told many times I was in a one percentile for dealing with pain. Now if someone were to do all three they must be totally honest with themselves in how they deal with pain. After surgery between the legs has been totally remapped and been told many need all the meds that are allowed. For top surgery it's best to be in a incline position while bottom surgery it's best to be laying down, the two contradict each other. The shave for me was zero pain so no comments there. So again, honesty is paramount else be a big girl and big girls don't cry as the song goes. PS By no means the above is to scare others from doing the three surgeries but to educate.

Karen, Is there any way women can have things done LOCALLY, prescribed by their internal medicine/family practice doctor, to reduce costs, hopefully covered by their insurance, including prescriptions for medications? Have had EKGs done a week before surgery by my internal medicine/family practice doctor. Think it behooves a woman to do as much in advance, if the surgeon cooperates. Also, is it important that the doctor that performed the bottom surgery also performs the tracheal shave and the top surgery? Thank you for an excellent post! Monica

Almost pre-ordained! That's what happens when the genie comes out of the bottle, especially when you throw the bottle away! Good Luck Christie! Eve x