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Roxanne, As above comments, plus I was 55 when I first came out to my wife, it's been gradual since, but I am now totally Eve & 59. I well remember the pleasure I felt getting rid of my male clothes. I hope that you have a good appointment with the Doctor you mentioned and that you have a productive session with your Endocrinologist, I found oestrogen wonderful, and testosterone blockers to be a truly amazing "game changer". But a word of caution, please , please be sure it's what you want, it doesn't take long with this treatment to reach the "point of no return". Good Luck & Cheers, Eve

Dear Roxanne, Am so proud of you! It is never too late! So glad to hear of your children's support and that you have removed yourself from that toxic situation! Every Fall and Spring, I do a deep clean, and, as part of that, I try on all my clothing. If anything does not fit well or no longer looks good on me, I either donate it to charity, or, throw it out. This is therapeutic in itself! You go, girl! Yours truly, Monica

SO, Long time no see lol Sadly I've not had the chance to upload any youtube videos but I'm hoping to do that tomorrow while I have the day off. Oh yeah, the day off....I LOVE MY JOB. So far the people I work with have been INSANELY AWESOME. They're so laid back and cool, and I love it. I started my first short-night last night with helping at the bar of the academy (yeah i know what you're thinking. A bar? At a school? But during the summer we host scientists and adults so they get drinking nights lol) and it was awesome. Everyone's so friendly and cool! I did talk to my boss (starr) about being transgender, and she assured me that it was NO problem, and to correct her if she ever uses the wrong pronouns. She's been super awesome about it and I am so super super grateful for it. The dress code doesnt exist, so it allows me to wear whatever is comfortable which is a huge plus. Cellphones are allowed as long as its not obsessive, which is totally awesome because I'm not comfortable with being out that late at night without some way of calling for help if I needed it. My shifts are going to be on the third shift, which I'm oddly perfectly fine with. Granted I sort of miss my boyfriend, but we'll make it work. Last night I worked from 9pm until around 130am, which was a lot shorter than what my usual hours will be but I was only training for the bar. I even did such a good job keeping up and getting in the hang of it, that they offered me to come back tonight as well which I agreed to do. Right now I'm sort of bummed on the other hand, and extremely frustrated with waiting for my top surgery. I mentioned in a transgender Facebook group that I'm in that as awesome as it is to see everyone getting their top surgeries and everything, that I'm also sort of bummed out to see it. I in no way meant it as a "stop posting your surgery things" but more as a "I'd love some support right now". But in the end they turned it around to where I'm the bad guy for saying it. In another group that is made JUST for top surgery related issues, I posted my gofundme page as I am fully allowed to do, and got bullied for it. It totally made my depressed mood even worse. The man responded to my post with "Sure. I'll do that right after I've saved up every single spare penny I've found to fund my own damn surgery" and it sort of hurt. I said "thanks for the sarcasm and making my shitty night that much more shitty" to which he responded with "Dude, everyone here is going through the same struggle as you are to raise money for their surgeries. posting your little whiney 'give me money' page on a page where guys struggle every day isnt helping anyone. I could say the same to you. thanks for making my day shitty by reminding me that i still dont have money for surgery. Stop whining and grow up and stop begging, you're pathetic" Honestly, I dont like having a gofundme. I feel like I'm begging. But that just made me feel so much more worse and honestly almost drove me to self harm, but I were able to avoid it and just ended up curling up in bed later. Though there were a few other guys who defended me and the rude comments had been deleted, and an admin even stepped in to say that I AM allowed to post my gofundme and I did nothing wrong....it still made me feel like crap. My once 36D chest (4 yrs ago) is now a painful 44DDD and it hurts...I cant hardly bind anymore. My ribs are killing me. Breathing is agony, and my back aches horrible. Especially when I take my binder off at night because it's been so tight and constricting. But I cant do anything without it...I'm so lost. I cant afford my surgery and its looking like no companies will help me cover it. I'm so disappointed Trying to stay positive, Warren SIDENOTE: So I can legally change the gender on my license with a note from my doctor which I did. But to change it on my Social Security, I need an amended birth certificate or bottom surgery proof? Wtf kind of crap is that? 0.o So to some paperwork I'll be a guy and to others I'll be a girl. Yeah, that totally makes life easy systems' screwed up, man....

Hi everyone, Happy Thursday! Happy for me because starting tomorrow I'm on vacation for a week. I'm sure I'll be checking in here during that time, but probably not doing any blogging. In an earlier post I mentioned how I was aiming for July 27 as the day that I would officially start presenting as a woman. My last post altered that course a bit, so I'm going to see now what exactly I'm doing. I'm certainly going to keep playing with make-up and other things, but the difference between today and July 27 might not physically be all that great, mentally on the other hand, I think it will be huge. My birthday is coming up next Thursday - my first birthday living authentically as me! xoxo Christie

I've just moved back home after being away living at my parents' house for 10 weeks following separation from my girlfriend of 8 years. Early this year and following a long, gradual "sink down" into this bad unhealthy relationship I decided to take a "deep dive" look into that whirlwind of crazy thoughts in my head and to my horror (or so I thought at the time), discovered what is gender dysphoria. I immediately recognized myself. That led me to spend the next four months locked up in my recording studio downstairs, smoking excessive amounts of hash and watching crazy shit on the web while trying to numb myself as much as possible, somehow hoping this dysphoria thing would magically go away...yeah that really worked! Finally in April, getting really scared I would trigger another downward spiral into other drugs or alcoholism (I have not drank since 2000) so I looked for and luckily found a clinical psychologist who specializes in Trans people like us and through several long emails and one telephone conversation, helped me realize I had to make this real and move forward with my transition. That led me to have a complete emotional breakdown and I left two days later. Since my ex has deep long term personality issues, a heavy drinking problem and always promised to work to help with bills but never did, leaving was easily justified without having to "out" myself. After a couple of weeks, I decided I would come out to my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle as she is the person who is closest to me. Her generation is amazing...she totally got it and was actually extremely happy I am doing this and willing to encourage and help me through my whole transition. My sister who is 4 and a half years younger than me was the second one I was going to tell. For the record I am 48. She is in psychology having gone back to school to earn her doctorate and will be finished before the end of this year. I met her at a Casey's restaurant in Ottawa and gave her the news. She was very compassionate about the whole thing, realizing her "brother" has been living with this "her" whole life. I do have to say it took her about a month and one visit to my own therapist to truly accept what I have and have to do... This has actually brought us much closer. My ex has left me an incredible mess as she was a clothes hoarder and when I stepped in the house a week before last Friday, I walked over to my couch, sat down and still couldn't help but get the biggest smile on my face and take in a feeling of incredible relief and liberation. Relieved by the fact that I could start living as myself for the first time in my life and liberated by the fact I could start anew on my own terms. I also knew I wouldn't be going through this alone. Shortly after leaving 10 weeks previous, Isabelle asked me if she could stay with me. I said yes since it was ok with her mom and asked her to come to one of my sessions with my therapist. This was important to me as I played a huge role in raising her and want to be there for her always. My therapist later congratulated me about us having such a healthy relationship and added I am lucky to have her with me during this difficult time... I am 6' tall and during the last year have lost 75 pounds by quitting wheat and closely monitoring my sugar intake. After moving back, I put all my clothes in bags except for the essentials I need for work and gave them away to charity... Shortly after having told Isabelle my little secret, she took me shopping at La Senza and I bought all new underwear having the plan to ditch all my boxers as soon as I returned home...I did that and it felt wonderful! Guess I have to start somewhere... My therapist has pointed me to a group which meets monthly which helps a lot and she also helped me find a new family doctor who has agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist for hormones asap. This doctor's appointment in on August 12th and I can't wait... My anxiety is through the roof... In closing this first of many blog entries, I want to say how grateful I am for having found this site and also how proud and priviliged I feel of having this community from which I am learning a lot and already feeling a lot of love and support... Thank you tgguide and I hope my entries will help others as much as reading this site has helped me so far... With love from Gatineau, Quebec... Roxanne

May the point of no return come and go. I am very ready and looking forward to all the wonderful and permanent changes this will bring me! Thank you so much for your kind words Eve...breaking the isolation is a very important part of transition and you are helping with this! Roxanne

I just read this article in the Advocate, it was brought to my attention by several people I follow on Twitter. The first person indicated that she didn't agree with all of it, but that it raised some good points. Another person, who tends to be a little more "aggressive" in her opinions, opened fire on it repeatedly and, I think, unfairly. I think it's a good piece discussing the divisions within the trans* community and the difficulty that causes in forming an effective movement. http://goo.gl/yhCB5G I've been looking to get involved somehow myself. I went to the Trans Day of Action a couple of weeks ago. I felt a bit out of place, just because I didn't know anyone. But at the same time it started to make me want to get involved again. In the past I've been politically active, but I had become pretty apathetic over the past few years. This seems like something that can get my activist spirit going again But the article, and the Trans Day of Action, really got me thinking more about my identity as a transwoman. As anyone who's read any of my blog entries probably knows, I've been quite focuses on "passing" (whether I called it that or not in any particular entry). But there is really nothing to "pass" as - I am a transwoman. I plan to start HRT, which will have some physical and emotional impact, but already I am dressing the way I want, I am doing make-up the way I want, overall I am presenting the way I want. I have a few more steps to take in terms of what I wear - I have been exclusively in pants so far and I know that I really, really want to wear skirts and dresses (I've done it cross-dressing, but now I want to do it for real). I'll continue doing electrolysis - but otherwise I need to stop obsessing over "what else I need to do" and just start living it. As far as the wig, I may or may not choose to wear it - I did wear it for the entire evening on Saturday to try to get the feel of it, and it wasn't bad, but I don't know if I want that full time rather than just working with my natural hair. I think the take-away from this for me is that while I am still transitioning, I am now transitioning within the realm of being a transwoman - I moving towards my identity as such, I'm not longer transitioning from male to female, that's done, the male is behind me (feel free to add your own innuendo to that thought - I just did). The biggest hurdle I have right now - that I have to overcome very, very soon - is the rest room. I've still been using the mens' room, even though I feel more and more uncomfortable every time I go in there. Today I honestly felt like I had no business being in there (most times it hasn't been too much of an issue because I've been alone, but today someone else is in there). Since I'm on the subject of "identity" I also wanted to add a thought I've been having on the topic of dressing "appropriately." Some may disagree with me, but while I agree that it's the right thing to do to consider what you're doing or where you're going in terms of how you dress (going to work, going to a wedding, going to a funeral, etc.), I don't agree that age should really be a consideration. When I'm at work, I dress appropriately for work. When it's the weekend, honestly I probably dress "younger" than my age, and I'm happy with that. I do think that if you're dressing younger because you're actually trying to be "younger" that's something that you might want to discuss in therapy, but if you're dressing "younger" because you like the fashion, then go for it. People dress all sorts of ways, some that appeal to us individually, some that don't, and that's great. If everyone (even everyone at work) was dressed exactly like me right now that would be really boring. I'll leave it at that - especially since it's Bastille Day and I have some partying to do :-) xoxo Christie

Dear Christie, As a cisgender Lesbian, I can attest to the fact there are a lot of divisions in the Lesbian community, as well. Whenever you get two or more people together, you will find "politics"! Everybody has a different "style." Some people are "young at heart," and others, "are older in spirit than their physical age." As for me, it varies, depending how I feel. When I feel good, I feel very young, and when I am in a lot of pain, I feel older, sometimes much older, than my age. Think that some women are criticized when they dress much younger than what they are, such as dressing as a teenager when they are decades older, for somehow "trying to be something that they are not." Have noticed that when we reach various "turning points" in our lives, starting at puberty, we start "experimenting" with different styles of behavior and clothing. This continues throughout our lifetime, but is most obvious at puberty, and when coming out as TLGB, what I call, a "second puberty." The reality is that we ALL are transitioning, throughout our entire lives, as our outsides struggle to keep up with our insides! Your friend, Monica

Roxanne, Congratulations on starting your transition! I'm also 48 years old (for another week anyway), and just started myself in the past few months (after a couple of years of cross-dressing without acknowledging being trans). It can be a challenge, but it's worth it for the emotional relief - as you mentioned! xoxo Christie

Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with. Is it possible to change everyone’s perspective on you being different from the norm? Not for one minute will everyone come to terms with this and attempting to force feed people the fact that you are a well-adjusted person will not fly with many. Trust me when I say I don’t have anywhere near all the answers to fixing this but do believe if possible before beginning one’s journey a good support system must be in place. This support system may be one person or several people. You should be able to communicate in person and or via phone to allow you to deal with issues that may (will) come up. I started off with one female cisgender friend outside of work then a three male and one female friend outside of work which I had better than good relationships with and one I had saved their life but even with that I needed to use kid gloves. Having this small circle is much better than having nobody at all and having nobody will surely lead one to many hardships down the road which is not where you want to be. We all know that bad/dark place where only things like alcohol, drugs, self-mutilation and thoughts of suicide enter the mind and are so easy to not resist. I have known enough people who sunk to dark depths for other reasons and think about it, we see people in the grocery store everyday picking up their wine and beer so they can go home and forget the world. Trans people typically don’t have the luxury to simply drink their disgust with their physical anatomy away, it’s there whether we are sober, high or intoxicated so it’s always there. We need others who we trust and can let out our frustrations without the fear of pushing them away. I think many will consider a place of worship as a haven but many religions are not so accepting of transgender people as “this is not how God made you and is a sin” so understand when going to talk with clergy that you may have the raft of God descend upon you which, again goes back to having a good support system and that places of worship may not be this way. If you attend services regularly listen to what is preached and attempt to get a feel for how you will be treated by them by coming out to them. Of course it’s not always the case that they will shun you but be prepared when talking to them well in advance what questions may be asked and practice your responses to these questions. Lastly, many tend to think that they must stay in the same area they are now but what if the environment is toxic? If your current environment is toxic prior to coming out what do you think it will be like after coming out? Yes it can be extremely difficult to pick up one's life and transplant to a safe environment but it's possible. I saw this early on and made the decision to re-invent myself from a sales person making $25,000 in 1990 to $40,000 after one year of spending long nights studying to become a computer software developer then another year to move from one coast to the other coast to find a stable environment that was much more accepting of transgender then the last location. It's not easy to relocate and makes transitioning to take longer but I think in my case it was worth the effort. So if you live in a toxic environment and are suppressed by it you need to get out, figure out what it takes and do it. Any ways as mentioned earlier I am not expert so that my advice with a grain of sand.

Best wishes for your birthday and vacation

In regards to changing gender on your SS, in Oregon the law is the same BUT as I learned was once I had my driver licence changed the SS process was fine changing my gender prior to bottom surgery. No change in birth certificate was needed. Sorry to hear you can't do the same.

Karen, Wonderful advice! I'm fortunate to have a very strong support system, in terms of friends, co-workers, and medical professionals (family not so much - my cousin and his husband are supportive, but not really anyone else so far, though there's been no open hostility - fortunately I didn't have the closest family relations anyway). My doctor, in fact, when I told him initially the very first thing he asked about was my support system - both in terms of a therapist (I love my current therapist!), and friends, etc. He's always been very good in that respect, he takes a very holistic view of medicine. xoxo Christie

On my last visit to my therapist she casually informed me that I will have her letter of recommendation. I nearly fell out of my chair when she told me. That was amazing news. I could've soared I was so excited. I think She laughed at my reaction. The news came lumped in with confirmation of something I was was seriously concerned about. My Doctor helped to confirm I'm insulin resistant. That condition, for those who are unfamiliar, is very close to having diabetes without having diabetes. I am no longer allowed to not care about what I consume. That coupled with my high blood pressure just backs up my newest of life choices: working out. Before Starting my transition, and being honest with myself, I would've cowered in the corner and cried, making no attempt to fix it. Being Insulin Resistant is actually a good thing, in that it is My body giving me physical signs that something is wrong and I need to change it. Being insulin Resistant is not permanent. it manifests itself as patches of very dark skin... very large patches. not a freckle or a mole. and it's not a consistent skin texture either. Supposedly with better diet and exercise the skin symptoms will go away. If they don't I wouldn't be horribly upset . The bad skin will serve as a reminder to do better by myself. The truth is my body image is not Ideal to me. While I realize I shouldn't be so hard on my self, I also realize that my current body image is a result of severe depression and a terrible attitude towards life.. I'm not longer depressed and I can fix this. There's nothing holding me back but me, and there's no reason for me to be 5' 8" and weigh 240 lbs..I finished feeling sorry for myself 5 months ago, How strange it was to convert my anger to positivity. I would not know how to accurately recount what thoughts made me do so. My Anger is now a wall that prevents crap from filtering into my brain and making me anything less than my best. My best is getting out and walking instead of staring at myself in the mirror and wondering what went wrong. I walked two miles today, and while that may not seem like much it's a lot for a guy who gets winded walking up the 15 steps to his front door. (Yes there are 15. Yes I have counted them.) What have I gained in my last week? A sense of serenity. My walk takes me about a half hour and it gives me that mush time to myself. I have time to organize my thoughts while listening to my favorite music. It's time without the distractions of work or family or video games or any of the other things that keep me from staying focused. This new attitude combined with the knowledge that I will be more like myself by next year than I have been in 25 years fills me with so much joy. Sheer Joy. Joy that is unrivaled by anything I have ever felt in my life. This is my third month in a row being Happy, and genuinely content. To those who are transitioning and the road is hard, remember that the journey may not be easy, but you are making it. To take the first step in this journey, for some is an impossible feat. Know that in the completion of that first step you are brave. Know that when you find yourself, no one can truly take that from you. And to the rest of you reading this, know that the choice to transition is a serious step. A step that can't be made lightly. Know that not doing so does not make you cowardly or weak. I speak only for myself when I speak of the changes transitioning has made in my life. Thank you for reading, Benjamin C. This is me Last week.

That's how I felt the second I realized I couldn't pretend anymore.

Benjamin, That's so great - congratulations! I actually just got my letter this week as well, and immediately forwarded it to my endocrinologist! And you're right, it can be a difficult journey, but it's absolutely worth it! My own depression lifted almost immediately when I finally openly acknowledged being trans, and it has stayed away ever since. xoxo Christie

Yeah, we can be a fractious lot!, but that's not just us, it's people at large! Eve

Monica I can't agree more. We all are spiritually growing with the beliefs, knowledge and social acceptance. But we still get those stinted minds that refuse change and only grows hatred. My school life was filled with questions from others and dictatorship, not that I allowed people to rain on my parade, throughout my primary and high school life. I do understand American terminology even though I live in South Africa. Michele

thanks everyone ill post another blog entry after my shift tonight, lots of love!! Warren UPDATE: Super tired lol ill try and post tomorrow. much love!