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Hiya Roxanne. Have You got anything nice planned, or is it just going to be a good rest ? Whatever You are doing, just enjoy having Roxanne time. It is always good to have a break from routine Sweetie. Enjoy Yourself. Hugs, Steph53.

Thank you Steph... I will definitely enjoy the rest and time off next week!

Roxanne, that must have been so un-nerving. You Take Care. Enjoy a Good Rest Too ! Best Wishes, Steph53.

It's only natural to have anxiety but from what I have read in this entry, sounds like "all systems are a go". Yes, blood test are so they know the level of hormones to dish out too you and several months down the road they will test your blood level again, usually every six months is the deal. Best wishes for tomorrow.

Well since my clean up will be completed, I will be taking the time to get back into my passions which are writing, playing and recording music. I used to own a commercial recording studio and still have all the equipment and instruments. I'll be removing the "rust" from not having played in a while so out will come the guitars, basses and drums! Definitely quality Roxanne time!

All is well now, I chalk it up as a couple of lessons learned about taking care of my own needs versus others who don't deserve it! Thanks so much for asking.

I'm sitting here at work trying to focus on work, but far too distracted by the thought that tomorrow at 2:30 I have my next endocrinologist appointment! This is the one where I will (hopefully) get my HRT prescription(s). In the back of my mind is the fear that I'll get there and they'll say something is wrong and I can't do it. My therapist has done an admirable job trying to make me not worry about that. She pointed out that they hopefully would have contacted me already if there was a problem. That sounds right, but i doesn't completely extinguish the fear. She also earlier mentioned that the blood work was more for determining appropriate levels, not as much (or at all?) as a screening mechanism. So again, hopefully that's true :-) As for the "big" question, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing. Anything that I had earlier that may have been doubt (but was more likely fear disguising itself as doubt - fear is a tricky little bastard) is gone, gone far away. One recent thing that confirms it is something I observed in the rest room the other day. As I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm actually happy about how I look. This isn't narcissism, far from it, I don't think I'm "hot," I'm just happy about how I look. Go back a couple of years and that was absolutely never the case. A friend of mine once observed that I had no mirrors in my apartment, aside from the bathroom mirror. It was never a conscious thing, but it was true that I just wouldn't buy them, I didn't want to see myself! 22 1/2 hours to go :-) xoxo Christie

I want to share what happened to me during the afternoon of July 18th, 2015. Having moved back into my house at the beginning of the month, not only was my adventure in transition starting but also a great adventure in cleaning (sigh!). My ex was a clothes hoarder which means that even after having "moved", she had left me a bunch of scattered piles of clothes in every room throughout the house as well as in all my closets...what an adventure! With the help of my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle who chose to stay with me, I started this exhaustive task. The closet in my entrance was the first one to tackle but before doing that, I had to free up some room in my storage containers which were filled with my ex's old society games. Since she had left me a huge pile of unused cardboard boxes right in the living room, I had all I needed to take care of business so I packed up all her things which were NOT clothes and managed to fill over 20 boxes! When this was done, a few days later, then I would start on the clothes... Remember by this time she HAD moved lol! Over the next couple of weeks, I packed up boxes with her clothes which of course were all dusty from having sat there litereally for years in some cases. I did this off and on, after work and every day off until finally on the 18th, I decided to take a break, go for a meal at my favorite shopping centre in Ottawa then go to the movies...I wanted to go see the new documentary about Amy Winehouse. I never made it... That whole day I felt off..a bit like I had felt back in 2003 the day I had a heart attack but I knew it wasn't my heart as all my vitals, which I check regularly were in check. I went to the Rideau Centre, ordered a "poutine" at the New York Fries, sat at a counter where they have plugs to charge cell phones and started eating while watching something on YouTube. The sweating started, then the nausea, then I remember feeling very comfortable and sleeping not realizing I had actually passed out and fell off my stool. I woke up to a bunch of people staring at me and asking me if I'm ok! The security guard helped me sit up in a chair and told me the paramedics were on their way... Of course being in early transition, only a couple of people know about my dysphoria and transition. Isabelle was close downtown Ottawa with a friend who also knows about me and my sister was at work. I haven't told my parents yet as I'm waiting for my mom to get biopsy results and will only tell her once her emotional distress has diminished somewhat but the issue now was I was going to be sent to the hospital where I knew my parents would come and see me. Wouldn't be to bad if I wasn't wearing light green nail polish and panties. I wasn't worried about the panties but the nail polish would be a little tricky to explain for sure. When the ambulance came, they checked my vitals and told me everything seemed fined but wanted to take me to the closest hospital just to be on the safe side which I was not opposed to. During the ride, I outed myself to the ambulance attendant and he was very nice about the whole thing and found it remarkable that I was not shy talking about it. He asked a lot of questions and I answered... We got to the hospital and by that time, I had called my sister who then called my parents and after laying down in the emergency area hallway for a couple of hours, my parents showed up. I told them the nail polish was Isabelle's doing and said I didn't mind having color on my nails...they just gave me a funny look and dismissed it... I ended up waiting for another 4 hours before even going through triage and by that time, I had figured out that what I had was a simple panic attack, well a big one, probably the biggest one I ever had and through therapy found the whole house cleaning was what led up to it. I told my colleagues at work and they recommended I take a couple of days off the following week which I did. I then followed my therapist's advice and proceeded to purchase contractor style garbage bags and use the "shovel" method to finish my cleanup! Now all her things are in my garage and waiting for her to come pick them up. If she hasn't done so before the end of this month, I will give everything to charity! I have just finished cleaning my top floor, washed the walls and I'm almost done the main floor. I will be on holidays from my job next week and for the first time in years, plan to actually enjoy myself! The day I am looking forward to the most is August 12th...I will meet my new doctor who will send my for my blood tests and a visit to the endocrinologist at last! I just hope the hormones will help the dysphoria and anxiety... Roxanne

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPbPLLGFkSE This is me performing my poem. My Poem became a fusion of the previous two poems. I love it so much. I hope you all enjoy. I was so nervous it took so long just get a rough version of it down.

I'm So camera shy

Roxanne, That sounds frightening! I hope everything is ok now. xoxo Christie

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year. Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don't have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods. The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it's a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts). The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea. In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it's a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones. Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can't hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be. I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist. BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it's good for you while looking back I thought "what the heck". Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don't be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female. EDIT I was just scanning over the following page and saw that some people are asked to wait up to two years before being given HRT, that is outrageous. I think that HRT and real life test should be allowed together.

If I lived closer I would volunteer. And I have made an offer that if anyone needs support that are having surgery in California, Oregon or Washington state I will be more than happy to be there with them if they don't have anyone no cost to them.

A new name this weekend - Called "Babe" by one of the life guards as I was heading for the pool. My hair was in a pony tail and I was in red biking outfit.

Watched "The opposite sex, Rene's story" on Showtime and think it's sad that her three brothers and most friends disowned her and that it's not just her but many that transition lose friends and also their jobs which there has to be a fair percentage that leave these people into a dark place or worst. Coming out and transitioning is one of the most difficult things a human can do.