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Monica, Thanks for that which affirms my brain is indeed in the right place.

Last entry, I promise and I'll shut up forever after. Christie, I recall friends telling me to tone down my dress sense when I first started out on my journey, because I wouldn't "fit in", I too cringed at that point in time, I thought that dressing the way I did was a major driver behind who I had become, I remember saying that "I don't want to look like someone elses mum". Change was inevitable, oestrogen changes all sorts of things, not all of which are physical, I have already commented in one of my earlier blog entries "things I didn't see coming" about my taste buds having changed, i.e., no longer liking beer and unable to eat hot chilli flavours without my tongue catching fire, taste in dress sense is also something that changes. When I look back Isee now that when I first starting dressing in female attire, I was dressing as my male self thought a female should dress, yes I was envious of the opposite gender being able to wear short skirts revealing tops and long boots. But not many women actually wear that sort of attire every day, maybe for a party or to see a band or similar occassionally, but not to go to the supermarket, or out for a days shopping, or out to visit a tourist attraction. Wearing those sort of clothes is bound to attract attention and close scrutiny, which is uncomfortable, which is why most women don't often wear that sort of attire. To look authentic, in my view is "to fit in or blend in", view it as camoflage, now if in NYC women do wear leather mini skirts, revealing tops and thigh boots, my wearing them might blend in with the background (except I'm probably too old now). But over here it is not the case unless in circumstances that I have already described. I think it boils down to do you want to look like a real woman, or do you want to look like what your male self has thought a woman should look like for all those wasted years? It took me a long time to realise this two and a half years with oestrogen, followed by another 8 months of oestrogen combined with testosterone blockers, they are indeed as Karen has said in one of her past entries, "a game changer". Cheers, Eve

Dear Friends, Growing up, I had school clothes, and when I returned home, play clothes, which I dressed like one of my brothers. At night, I had night wear. On Saturdays, it was play clothes, and on Sundays, where I had church clothes and went home to play clothes. When I became a grown woman, with my own place, I have my out and about town clothes, and as soon as I enter the door of my apartment, I strip down to my underwear. In the winter, I strip down to my bed clothes. There is a closet by my front door that I keep a nice house coat, so that I would be presentable, say, should the UPS man or woman comes to deliver a package. Have not lived together with a partner, so I am not sure how I would be in that case. My partners (including my beloved) and I, whom I never lived with together, always dressed our best in the presence of one another, even when spending the night. Karen, in my opinion, most women, Straight and Gay, are like you, both as a single, and in a relationship. Yours truly, Monica

Quick update - I did get my prescription yesterday, and was able to pick it up and start taking it yesterday I almost flipped out at my doctor - when I went in to meet with him he pulled up my therapist's letter - FOR THE FIRST TIME! I had sent it over a month earlier, and it was just one short paragraph. The problem was that he started saying that he would like something more detailed, and I was afraid that would hold up the prescription. It didn't, he gave that to me anyway. So delay averted. He said that he's starting me slowly, so that I might not even notice the emotional changes as they happen. But he's a man, so what does he know. I'm hoping that sleep will return tonight. That last 2 nights I haven't been able to because of the excitement. I go back in about 8 weeks after getting blood work done again to see how it's going.

Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing. It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home. The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one??? Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly. Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe). It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time. PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.

Congratulations, woo-hoo. In regards to emotional changes, it takes a while for this to happen and is usually a gradual change. Also, starting out on a small does is really best so they can monitor the effects of the hormones on your body and mind.

I really hope that the estrogen resolves my gluten-intolerance. I know it's unlikely, but I can hope (I want real pizza!!!) Eve, absolutely nobody is asking you to shut up forever - or at all!!! What it all comes down to for me - and this isn't just wardrobe, but across all aspects of my life - is being authentically me. Now since I'm a woman, that means being a woman, but I try not to be driven by that thought. (that seriously made sense in my head, but writing it out it suddenly doesn't - but i'll leave it in case it means something to anyone else). And I think I'm in agreement with everyone on one major angle of all of this - to the extent that someone is dressing a particular way because they want to look like a 20-something girl (assuming they're not), then that's something to be raised in therapy. That's a case where the person is probably not being their authentic self. Similarly, as Eve mentioned, if you're trying to look like what your male self thought a woman should look like, you're probably not being authentic to yourself (sorry for the endless "probably's," I try to avoid absolute statements). I should probably (ahh! there it is again!) add that my wardrobe is, in fact, fairly conservative. It's more colorful than my male wardrobe was (a good amount of pink), but still what most people would probably identify as moderate to conservative. Ann Taylor is my goal store If anything I can imagine my wardrobe getting a little more vibrant as my body starts to "look right" (I do own leather mini-skirts, but I've only ever worn them doing drag - and I don't so much care for boots of any height, I like shoes that are easier to take off) xoxo Christie

Karen, I agree about relaxing at home. From the start I've pretty much done that, although I still consider it "dressing as a woman" (there's nothing I wear now that isn't female). But it does tend to be comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or tank top at home (I also have virtually no visitors, so being ready for an unexpected guest isn't really an issue). Up until now I definitely have tried to dress more feminine, in large part because it expresses who I am, and because I hadn't been doing that for SO long. It's also a way of counteracting the still-present male gender cues that I suffer from (yes, "suffer"). I'm guessing that once hormones start kicking in, and once electrolysis gets far enough along (and certainly after breast augmentation), my wardrobe choices might change (though they might not). In general I just try to dress the way I want :-) I think one important distinction might be in your phrase about blending in with women in your area. Having grown up in suburban New Jersey, and lived in North Carolina for 5 years, and now in the NYC area (between NYC and Jersey City) one thing I noticed is that in NYC fashions are all over the map, so "blending in" isn't really possible. By contrast there was a little more in common in how women dressed in NJ and NC. Although I'm absolutely not critical of anyone who makes this choice, the thought of "blending in" or "fitting in" makes me a cringe a little. Again, just personally it's not something I'd want to do. Perhaps it's because I'm still fairly early in transition and it makes me think of years of trying to fit in in the wrong gender :-) I try to use "being authentic" as my motivation in all areas, including wardrobe. xoxo Christie

Hi Eve, I think there are many that have done what the both of us did and as we get older see that we need to change to a more conservative approach to dressing. I am sure you loved how you dressed at that time, same here, it was fun but now we have evolved Hope all is well in your world.