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I was wearing (like any other day) a Pandora bracelet, a delicate butterfly necklace and a very plain thumb ring. Compliments are usually from females on my nails and butterfly necklace. I was surprised recently that this young woman, think she is about 25 sat at my desk on work on a project and said I see you changed your nail color, I just love it. Woman seem to notice more what other woman are wearing. Me when male, eyes always focused on the woman, not so much what she was wearing. I do agree that jewelry can creating an opening as I have seen it happen.

I find it interesting that my new car seems to draw a good deal of attention to me. Friday I decided to wash the car out in front of my house on the street simply because car washing places are not good for convertibles. Any ways a middle age man walks down the street and says hello, I say hello back, he keeps walking. Then about five minutes later he walks back up the street and says "you are breaking my heart, you look fine today girl". I immediately can tell no matter what I say he is going to use that as an open door to talk to me so I simply act like I don't hear him so there is no opening for him. I take a quick glance up and he smiles, I don't and continue washing the car. Then about 15 or so minutes later I am heading inside and there he is again. At this point any advances he attempts I would had gone into my mode of "you asked for this" meaning I would had taught him a lesson he would not soon forget if you caught my drift. Over the past few months I am surely learning how woman feel if similar situations and have sympathy for them and it appears it's on me too. Of course there are decent men too, at my friends house yesterday I was standing by my car and a twenty something man walks by, smiles and complimented me how I looked and that I had a sweet ride. I smiled, said thank you and he kept on going. Turns out I see him get into his car, a very nice BMW sports car. I can't stress this too much that once you are out, passing with no issues and look good that you are going to be hit on. Depending on your mindset most of us who transitioned will have no clue on how to handle these situations, not much different than a teenage girl getting hit on for the first time. Consider what you will say, how you will react beforehand so that you are not actin awkward and bring undue attention as this can be problematic if they get it in their head something is not right or you leave an opening for them to continue their attempt to seduce you and this is not what you wanted. Even if you want this you still need to be prepared so all goes well. There have been a few times when I first was out after surgery that I was a tad under prepared and learned from this. Now I even flirt for the right female or male. Food for thought

​They were lured in

Hiya Karen. I Love Your Photograph, in Your Car. Karen, I hope You are having fun. I Don't blame You for not taking any Messing ! Your Own Safety comes first !

Karen, it sounds like you are settling in just fine. I've had these kind of pickups every once in a while. Seems to happen to me when I go to Target, for some weird reason or when I get gas. Usually I know how to handle the situation, depending on what is said. There are times I am direct with the person, other times I give them a death stare and walk away. Or other times, I say thank you. Sometimes I am speechless. I had a gentleman say, "hello beautiful". I was speechless. The words "thank you" were murmured from my lips. That was all that he said and he kept walking. In a way, I hate that. Being objectified. Yet, when someone says something like that, it is difficult for me to respond. Yet I flirt with people as well. Most people recognize that I am trans and they are either curious or just want to learn more. It doesn't hurt looking good in the process.

(Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place) Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10. ------------------------------------- My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit. When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics. My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized. Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over. All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play. The next "story" is one example of many similar situations. The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself. I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity, they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas. My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying" The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up. My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to. The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans. Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet. I am done with them, and their BS. I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

Dear Warren, The closest thing to a having your chest rebuilt would be a 'simple mastectomy.' Is there any way to get a surgeon to agree to a simple mastectomy? Your friend, Monica

Hi Bianca, Nice piccy, I'm in the UK, most other bloggers are in the US with a few from Canada, and as far as I'm aware 1 more each from South Africa and the UK. Well, we pretty much share the same or similar time of day. Hope you stick around, and enjoy your journey wherever it takes you............. A supportive wife is worth their weight in gold, mine has now become my partner since I transitioned. Cheers, Eve

Hi Eve, I am from South Africa.

Hiya Warren. "Suicide" ! Please Don't Do That. I Am talking as Someone Who HAS Made 3 Serious Suicide Attempts. They Were Between August 1988, and Spring 1996. Warren, Please, Please Don't Do It ! If EVER You Need To Talk, Find Me On Here, and I WILL Listen. I Suspect Many Other's On Here WILL Listen Too ! Warren You Young Man, Are Not Alone ! I Am Sorry To Hear That Your Surgery Appointment was Not Helpful. I Don't think that some Professionals Even Understand FtoM Transsexuality, and I think that is Entirely Due to the Fact that MtoF Transsexuality seems to Me to be More Common-Place. Warren, is there another Place that You could try going, to see about Surgery ? Warren I Am by the Way Pre-Op MtoF Transsexual, and I Came-Out, just over 4 Month's Ago ! I Am in the UK.. Warren, If You Would Like To Message Me On Here, I Would Always Be Pleased To Hear From You Young Man. Warren, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie.

Went to my surgery consultation today. Looking like they'll only do reduction and not removal...so what's the fucking point.....

No, I don't talk to anyone about it. Attempted to talk to a friend about my thoughts of suicide but it's too painful for them to hear. So basically be honest but only tell me the good stuff. Frankly no one wants to hear about it so I'm done talking about it.

Hiya Mikah. As Lori Says " You Are Beautiful" ! Do NOT Let Anyone, Tell You Anything Different ! Mikah You Are Gorgeous, and I Am Telling You to stay Positive as well. I have only been "Out" as MtoF Transsexual for 4 Months, but if at the End, I Look half as Lovely as You, I Will be Happy ! Keep Smiling Mikah, Take Care, and Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

For years I drove sensible cars for family at one point then later for travelling and teaching. Been thinking about getting a sports car and trading my Toyota 2005 Camry in for one but could never justify selling the Camry because it just runs and never breaks, only routine maintenance like oil change and tires for the most part. Been checking out the Mazda Miata for a while and was told by a co-worker that the 2016 models were worth waiting for. So last month I got on the list and last night was informed one was in, top of the line (and the price tag to go with it, $30,000). Took it out for a test spin this morning and I had to have it so I purchased it and went out driving in the country for an hour or so. Note I kept my Camry as it is a great investment and know full well it will come in handy a lot. There are so many features and creature comforts such as voice control, bluetooth, GPS navigation, controls on the steering wheel in all makes you feel like being in the cockpit of a sophisticated airplane. My first choice would had been red but red sports cars get noticed on the highway and I always drive 80 MPH in the 65 MPH highway, never been ticketed (knock on wood), second choice was black and third was yellow so in my mind I am very satisfied with the color. Please note that I came from a $20,000 a year paycheck to $100,000 paycheck that was not easy and now truly enjoying the year 2015. With no disrespect I hope this may light a fire under one or more people thinking they can never transition or have a decent life style because if you truly put your mind to something it is achievable. Click to enlarge

Hiya Karen and Christie. My Neighbour, 2 Door's Away, Pete, Has Got A 1971 Almond Green MG BGT Coupe ( Estate Version ) ! To Hear that B-Series Engine Running, Plus, Seeing ALL That Chrome Shining - Lovely. Pete has Owned this since about 1978, and since He Retired, has Restored The Car, to Showroom Condition ! ( Sadly, before He Completed the Restoration, His Wife Passed-Away ! ) . Can Either of You Two Ladies, Remember What MG Originally Stood For ? As For Triumph Spitfire Car's, again, They are Lovely, and Yes, I have in the Past, Driven Friends' MG Midget's, MG BGT's, Triumph Spitfire's, Triumph Stag's, Original VW Beetle's, Ford Capri's ! ( Showing My Age a Bit ! ). By The Way, MG, Originally Stood For :- "Morris Garages" ! Karen and Christie, Ladies, Please Take Care, Speak Soon. With My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

I bet some places demand more for parking in NYC dependent on the area.

Ooh, triumph! That was my first choice. I used to work on cars with a friend when I lived in North Carolina (I was a straight man in those days) The parking spot near my apt was $150 a month, a bit much when I didn't really need a car at all

Christie, thinking about your MG midget, what started me on sports cars was when I was dating a woman back in my late teenage years who had a triumph spitfire, I had a custom van. We would trade back and forth and that is when I started my love affair with sports cars but waited thirty years to get one. I can imagine what it cost to park and so forth in NYC, an arm and a leg most likely. The spot I rent for work is $60 per month and would guess in NYC would be a couple hundred dollars for the same parking spot.

That is such a cute car Several years ago I indulged and bought an older MG midget - something I had wanted for a long time - it was short lived, being in NYC I didn't have the resources (money) to keep it.

Hiya Karen. Your Last Post, Made Me Laugh ! I Am Glad, that You Are Having Fun, You Naughty Girl ! L.O.L. !!!! New Car's Can Be Great Fun ! Karen, Take Care, and Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

​I was pulled over by a police officer which is a friend of mine that I had told him about the new car. He waited for me coming home, light me up. Comes up to the window and says do you know why I stopped you? I gave him a big smile and said "no officer, I have no idea" while I played with my hairl. He came back and said, I ought to smack you, I want that car and laughed. Then I showed him the cool stuff inside e.g. the electronics.

Finally got around to reading the rest - these are all quite vivid and well-stated - I do hope you are still seeing someone to talk about these things? The phrase "hopeless ambition" really struck me - in the midst of my sleepless depression last night I think that phrase summed up much of how I felt - and how I continue to feel - full of ambition, but feeling that it has nowhere to go. It's still an improvement from before transitioning when I had no ambition (it feels a little worse, but I know it's really better)

Ok people, sorry for the bummer of a subject line, but a week of insomnia isn't conducive to optimism It could be from my shoulder surgery, but as each day passes that seems unlikely - it's not hard getting comfortable anymore, I just stay wide awake. I think it is, indirectly transition-related. It's not because of transitioning, but because the transition had been so all-consuming for awhile that I had put aside other concerns. Now that i'm acclimating more to transitioning (though not completely yet), i'm faced with the feeling again that so much of my life feels like a vast, empty wasteland, no matter what way I go, or if I don't go anywhere, it's all the same nothing. Transitioning in this context takes on a new feeling - if i'm going down I might as well go down as me and not a fake sorry for the downer entry - needed to get it out Christie

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth. The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time.................. I hope that you sleep well tonight, Eve oxo

UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much). It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change

Thank you all for your feedback Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!) First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything! Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through. I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down. They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time! (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week). What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact. But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is. I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).

Hi Christie, Having transitioning front and center would seem like the predominant reason for your insomnia and right behind this medication from surgery. Although when I have insomnia from time to time it's for different reasons, I can't shut my brain off, will lay in bed with my brain very active contemplating a problem associated with a problem (or as I think of it as a challenge) say with writing code for software at work. The thoughts are undeniable in that it's not subconcious. I am sure for you and many like you there are indeed so many things going on right now that can overwhelm the brain to fold into your new existence as a female. Seeing a doctor or therapist should be at the top of the list for solving the core issue but I recommend adding something into your life that might help take your mind off of all the things weighing hard on your mind. Having a friend that will stick by your side, do things with you is critical more than you can imagine right now. If you have one, get out with them and do things without dwelling on your transitioning. Go out for walks sometime in the early evening let your mind go free. Most people don't have a diet that is conducive to good health, look at changing yours and remove things in your diet that can cause you too have to much energy in the evening, yeah, been there done the wrong thing and paid for it, usually too much coffee. If this has been going on over seven days try sleep aids, follow the instructions and see what happens over a two or three day period, if not helping make an appointment with your therapist and talk with them. They will know what questions to ask and your task it to be completely honest with them. As my doctor told me (and I have written about this), transitioning, including GRS is one of the toughest things a human can do which means we will not come through this larger than life event unscaved, there will be battle scares that take time to heal or not heal which is why having a therapist is essential to your well-being. DON'T allow yourself go to that "dark place" in your subconscious because you did not or waited too long to see your therapist (and I have to say this) and don't ever consider self-medicating as unlikely as it may be in your mind. Once the brain latches onto what appears inescapable it becomes hard to climb out of it which leads to things I don't have to write down here. DON'T dismiss this as something that will pass if over a weeks time you still can not sleep. DO address the issue now and prevent permanent mental scares for following you through the remainder of your journey I have said this before, go to a quite place and self-evaluate yourself. Do I really need to transition? Is this right for me? then we have "I am out, how could I ever move backwards" I think many will think "I must move forward", it's human nature to want to continue and tough it out but that can have us be even in a worst place. Your at the presupus of a possible new life, outside the door ready to enter into an entirely new world, think long and hard in that quite place as right now my guess is your brain is going into self-diagnoses at bed time because you are not otherwise. Of course I am not someone who is a medical professional so take my advice with a grain of salt yet at the same time I have been on this Earth for close to sixty years in that I have life experiences of my own and known and read about others that assisted me in what I have said. Best wishes on resolving the issues behind your sleepless nights

Yeah, I've borrowed a line from Grouch Marx, "I've been sleeping my insomnia off".....................mine is often caused by too much red wine ! & so it's self inflicted and I don't look for any sympathy whatsoever. With regard to "vast empty wasteland", I think that you're wrong, your big moment in life has arrived,, you've had the courage to do something about it, leapt over the first few hurdles, and now your wondering if it's any better than the previous you, have you wasted your time doing this, time was wasted anyway, well I had serious doubts too about my own transition. If you stop to think about it, you've spent most of your life as society has demanded of you as a male, if I have understood anything about you from your blog entries, you weren't ever happy with that state of affairs?. Well you won't be able to instantly delete those thoughts, because you've been mentally conditioned to them by society at large (fitting in with the rest of the flock? so think of most of society as sheep!). You just can't instantly be a new you, but just as teenagers grow up, one day your great as the new you and the next day not so great as the old you............. I have entered in my earlier blogs and comments to others that I also had serious doubts at times about my transition, I said that it was like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, and yes, when I had insomnia (not always caused by red wine!) that was when those thoughts used to haunt me, a lot of the time as "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you're a bloke for f**ks sake, why do you think it'll be any better as a woman?". Those thoughts were intense and very haunting, but as time passed by, they got less and less like the tide only happened every two or three weeks or so. Yes, when changing identity your mind is full of what you're doing and so it doesn't wander (or should I say wonder?) to the old thoughts. My advice is, to accept that you're doing the correct thing, see a therapist or cousellor, or whatever you do in the US, if that helps you to think it through, but anyway, the negative thoughts will eventually pass. I guess it's when your mind gets used to your new identity, and at that same time, you will find that you're just doing things unthinkingly as yourself. How can I illustrate that further? perhaps like this, I don't worry about passing, I don't think how would a woman do it, I don't think of myself as as female or male or gender neutral, I just think of myself as me - Eve. It has taken time to get this happy state of affairs. I've heard many trans folk talk lightly of going through adolescence, they shouild have been much more serious about the subject, it's a very real issue. I hope that these comments help you, during your adolescent period. Eve xoxo

Hiya Christie. I Do Know exactly what You Mean about Insomnia. Mine is More Osteo-Arthritis Related. It Is An absolute sod, when You Need Sleep, and get either very little, or None at All. Christie Love, You Let off Steam any time You Like ! It Is far better, than Bottling It All up, and Making Yourself ILL ! With Transitioning Christie, You Can be really Proud, of Just How Well You have Already Done, and Just How far, You have come already. You are doing well Young Lady ! I hope Your Shoulder is well on the Mend. Stay Positive Christie Love. Things Will get better, I Am sure. Take Care Christie, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

Hiya Karen. How Is The New Car Going ? Are You Being A Lead-Foot-Lady ? I Hope That You Have Plenty Of Safe Driving Time ! I Am So Glad That You Have Got A Lovely Ladies Car. Karen Enjoy It Love ! Be Careful Out There ! Take Care, With Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo

Ren, I read the first couple of entries for now, will read the rest later, but I wanted to say how encouraging it is to see how well you seem to understand and examine the things that trouble you ("trouble" seems insufficient, bit it's all I can think of at the moment). There's still no doubt a long journey ahead, but understanding where you are starting from is a vital first step. For so long I knew something was wrong, very wrong, but couldn't identify it, or worse, I misidentified it. Stay strong! And please keep sharing xoxo Christie

Done with electrolysis for today, no regrowth from last time woohoo. She is doing one side at a time along with touch ups on my eye area.

Tomorrow I am having a different kind of surgery, two wisdom teeth pulled, oh there is nothing compared to prior surgeries but may prior to be frustrating in regards to eating over the three or so days to follow. Today I am having electrolysis done for underarms, will be nice when that is done. This is my third treatment so far.

Aroused but keeping my legs closed. Very frustrating.

Three days until "Capital Pride" which is an outdoor event for LGBT community. Should see at least one member from here there. The event is about ten minutes from my place and happy to have a short drive.

Nothing like starting the day, getting my legging on and realize my panties are inside out

It's going to be very hot today, over 100 degrees and so happy 95% of the day in work and home I will have AC woohoo. And yes it's thong weather.