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Hello, I can sympathize with you on the first steps of going public full time and can tell you it does get easier as time passes to the point you will not even think about "do I look presentable", "am I walking correctly" or "is my voice proper". In regards to eye-liner, had the same problem so I went and had permanent cosmetics done two years ago since then look great all the time. It's not cheap in regards to the cost but when you consider down the road there is no fuss in the mornings or touch-ups throughout the day it's well worth the cost. Also, hormones, the longer you are on them the majority go through many changes that are usually small and seem unnoticed by you but wait and at some point people will tell you they see no similarities from say one year ago till present.

You're right, I know - and that's the thing I need to get my head around properly - that it's their problem, not mine. Thanks, Eve.

Thanks for your comments. I am seeking a therapist, but it has helped enormously just to write this stuff down. I can see a way forward now. I will work on becoming myself from now on. I even came out on Twitter today by including the fact that I'm trans on my profile. That just told a bunch of people who didn't know. Next week I'm coming out at work and I will be talking to my manager and the HR department about transitioning.

Hi Stephanie I'm based in Manchester, England, and I consider myself lucky for that, because I live a stone's throw from Canal Street, which you may or may not have heard of. Every year, we have the "Sparkle" festival which is a celebration of and for trans* people. There is a lot of support in my area, as I've only recently realised, and I do have support at work as well as in my personal life. The good wishes I've received from people on this website has been almost overwhelming. I'm feeling far more confident today than I did just a few days ago. Thanks for your kind words. Regards, Jay

I haven't posted anything here in a long time. The last time I posted the reality had just started to set in about what life was going to be like going forward. I have been on HRT for almost 4 months now and life has gotten a lot easier. Hiring a lawyer made me feel a lot better about the upcoming divorce. I'm full time in public which is still really nerve racking but I'm forcing myself outside of my comfort zone. Doing my own makeup is now a thing too. Its a lot easier than I expected except I have trouble with eyeliner. Things have started to develop up top as well. Overall I'm in a much better place despite the fact that not everything , including the divorce, has been handled yet. I was emotional a lot during the first couple of months of HRT but that may have been due to all the stress in my life. I just wanted to come in here and vent in a blog to other transgender people who may know how I feel or what I'm going through.

Yes, there's been remarkable LGBT progress in the UK since 2000, last Sunday I went to a pilot transgender swimming session ata Birmingham swimming pool, it was great, no aires and graces, peoeple were all friendly, M to F's and F to M's, full time pre-ops, post ops, and cross dressers, I suspect there might have also been some non-gendered or gender neutral people too. When I came out and started my real life experience it was both exciting and a nerve wracking experience, but similar to yourself work was fine. Some of my neighbours stared at me though and haven't spoken to me since, but hey ho, that's their problem, not mine. Cheers, Eve

In regards to breast sensations, get use to them as they will not go away anytime soon. Mine went away only after breast augmentation. On average breast size is determined by the cisgender female with the largest breast in your family then downsize a half or full size cup. My mother is a C cup, I went to a B cup then had breast augmentation to achieve a C cup. Hopefully you are under the supervision of a doctor for the hormones, if not I highly suggest you do.

I have always had abandonment issues. I guess I always knew that things will eventually get to this point in my life where not only everyone I love and hold dear no longer have the inclination or strength to stand by me but I, myself have to abandon my own life which has been built on a lie. It this point I feel helpless against the current pulling me towards my transition. I tried to stem the tide and pretend it is not so but, I lost the battle and like before have no otherway but forward. People say I am selfish but, from where I stand the selfish thing to do is suiside which again seems quite attractive as apposed to faking another 30 years of my life. No I will move forward and live my life by embracing myself and the people who have the courage, like me, to live life against the ods.

Yesterday was a strange day. It was difficult at times but ultimately fulfilling. Trying to avoid yet another argument with my husband, I went online, searching for my own place to live (my husband knows I've been doing this). I found a place that looked great and I called the estate agent to make an appointment to view it (I'm going to see this place today). My husband overheard me making the appointment. I could tell he wasn't impressed so I started a conversation about why I felt I had to move out. After I'd explained my point of view, he said he agreed with all I'd said but that he didn't want to lose me. That started a whole new conversation where he said he would totally support me if I wanted to transition and he said I didn't have to move out - but if I really wanted to, maybe I should just make it temporary rather than permanent. I had been thinking about purchasing somewhere, but now I'm thinking about renting, for maybe six months, just to see how it goes. I still believe we need space from each other. He doesn't want me to go. He said he would always be here when I wanted to come back. He also said he would come with me when I try to find a therapist and a sympathetic doctor. He said he fell in love with what's in my head and in my heart, not what my body looks like. Everything looks different today. He wants to support me. I asked him if he still wanted to be married to me and he said yes. When I pointed out that, if I go ahead with transitioning, he would be viewed as gay by many people, he said he didn't give a **** what other people thought of him. I asked if he would be okay with a same-sex marriage and he said yes, because he married me, not my body. He wants me. He still wants me. We spent hours discussing my options. Through our talking, I now have a better idea of my end goal. I think I know now what I would be most comfortable with. And that's because I understand his point of view better. I laughed at one point. He got annoyed and offended when I explained how the law works here (England) with regards to obtaining a Gender Recognition Certificate. He said the law was obscene. Which it is. He said there was no way he would veto my application for a GRC. That's comforting. But that time is still a long way off. Even so, I feel so relieved today. It's going to make coming out at work next week so much easier.

After my mother died, I spent a few months feeling guilty and a few months thinking about myself - perfectly selfishly, I realise. I needed to get my head around a few things. At work, the company started to make a big thing of diversity. The law was changing; gay marriage was grabbing all the headlines because it looked as though it was going to be legalised in the UK. Trans issues were also hitting the headlines. A few high profile sportsmen had come out as gay. The whole LGBT+ thing was out in the open, on the television, in the newspapers - and at work. In 2013 I joined the company LGBT network. I didn't tell anyone, but those who were also members of the network could see that I had joined. I started to get involved on the network discussion board. So, effectively, I came out to other members of the network. Initially, I just hinted that I was bisexual. I involved myself in discussions about that topic. Later, I admitted that I had an interest in the “T” as well as the “B”. Eventually, I openly discussed being transgender as well as bisexual, within the confines of the network’s private discussion board. One day, I accidentally let something slip to a member of the team I work for, via something I said in an email. Panicking, and worried in case he said anything to the rest of the team, I immediately sent him another email, saying something along the lines of, “I think I just outed myself. How good are you at keeping secrets?” He responded by sending me a photo of him and his boyfriend. We had a short discussion and he told me that our manager was perfectly fine with him, when he’d come out. So before the end of the day, I came out to my manager. It took quite a while before I had the courage to come out to the rest of the team, but I did. And there wasn't one negative response. In fact, two were extremely positive. One guy told me that my revelation to him had inspired him. So much so, that while he usually ensures his nail polish is removed before turning up for work Monday mornings, that weekend he made the decision to leave it on, and the following Monday he arrived at work sporting sparkly blue nails. The man I had been most worried about telling sent me an email, simply saying, “High five!” and then he followed it up with another email saying, “That must have felt like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and then discovering you could fly. I'm so pleased for you.” Not one negative comment. Not one rejection. Plenty of support. I can’t explain how that made me feel. Contrast that with another time that I plucked up the courage to tell someone at work that I was bisexual. This was back in 2002. My husband and I had split up for a while and I had begun chatting with strangers online, partly because I was bored and miserable, partly for other reasons. Through the online chats I got to know someone called Sam that, initially, I thought was male but turned out to be female. She asked me out and I said yes. Back at work, a day or two later, at lunchtime, a colleague asked me what I had planned for the weekend. I thought about what I should say and then decided on the truth. I told her I was going out to meet a woman for drinks. She didn't say anything, so I asked, “Did you hear me?” to which she replied, “Yes, I heard. Do you mean like a date?” I nodded. She stood and walked away and she avoided contact with me after that. I don’t believe we have ever spoken since. I know she saw me as a woman (obviously) and therefore was probably shocked that I was meeting a woman. But that made me keep my mouth shut for another eleven years.

Thanks, Eve. Your comments have helped a lot.

​I think I agree with you, now more than ever before. It's only since I started writing this blog that I realised how much it would mean to be recognised as male. Fortunately, I have found support in areas I didn't expect, and it feels good. Thanks for your comments. Regards, Jay

I like your photo Dawn13

Great story. Must have been some attraction going on when he started a conversation with a question. Even when I was in similar situations where I am fully dressed, and I knew I was very passable, I also get nervous and concerned about my voice giving me away. The neatest thing is when I am not dressed up female and still called mam - even my male sounding voice doesn't seem to make any difference, I am type cast as female.

Hiya Jay. I can Thoroughly sympathise, with Your situation. I can tell You that Gender Dysphoria can be very nasty. I am 53 Year's Old, not far short of 54. I have known since aged 3, that I am Female, Trapped, in a Male Body. Between Mid-August 1988, and the End of February, 1996, I made 3 Serious Suicide Attempt's, because I had been unable to Come-Out. Early this Year, My Natural Hormones went All over the Place. Well it was Either Come-Out, or End It All. Well I Came-Out, as MtoF Pre-Op. Transsexual, on 30th. April, 2015, and I started buying Female Underwear, and Female Clothing, and Wearing It, on 1st. May, 2015, and being out in Public, on the Same Day. Coming-Out, was like having a Massive Weight, Lifted-Off Both of My Shoulder's. I am most certainly Really Happy, and Contented Now, like I have Never Ever been before. I Do NOT Have to "Hide", Any More. Jay, I Am in Aylesbury, in Buckinghamshire, in The United Kingdom, and on Friday Night's, I go to the World Famous Pink Punters Nightclub, which is a h; Gay; Bisexual; and Transgender/Transsexual Venue. Jay, It Does Not Matter to Me, what Race; Creed; Colour; Religion; Gender; or Sexuality; that Anyone is, because, I take Everyone as Individual's. Where in the World are You - Jay ? Anyway, Take Care. With My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie.

Recently for me, there seems to be new ways of looking at things, from a very much different place than was previously the case. After reading Karen Paynes recent entry "Haloween" where she looked back a year or so ago, it sparked my thoughts about the past, dressing and early transition. I thought about those who, like I did, like to wear female clothes around the house, wearing skirts and dresses, or leggings and tops, with outrageously high heeled shoes. This was part of my earliest practical phases of transition. And today without thinking about it too much, I just seemed to automatically visualise young kids dressing up in mommy's clothes and shoes, as small children often do, especially small girls. So what? Well it seems to me that I was doing the same exact thing a while back (maybe not with my mothers stuff though!), looking back from my present vantage point I can see that I was practising for what was to come in my life, it was part of growing up as a transwoman. Now, at the start of my escaping "the closet" 4 years ago, I had realised that I had to go through female puberty, and as such I had thought only in terms of physical changes and social changes and challenges. I can now see that the early private dressing in the "closet" was pre-puberty. I have always and honestly stated that I didn't feel as if I was "born in the wrong body", but that only when I look back I can see that there were signs that I was "not right" as a male, and whether or not it's the hormonal changes that I am going through, I am unsure, but it amazes me how much of my past that I can now see, and especially the sense I can now make of my past. I did used to get vague feelings as a male of what it might be to be female, but they'd soon disappear and I just thought of it being idle curiosity, and my "closet" cross dressing as a fetish. On the other hand, perhaps my past problem was to ignore vague feelings that I didn't have some form of proof for, is this called a lack of self-belief? Whatever, I'm now happy to be on my voyage of joyful discovery............ Cheers, Eve

And that's a thoughtful comment Christie........... I suspect that it's a combination of factors, but at what percentages will vary between individuals... But I'm not sure that your third point is quite right with perpetuating female stereotypes? for me it's more like emulating other females, behaviour and visually. But at what percentages do I put the three factors, I think that it varies with mood. Drilling down a little deeper isn't expressing your tue self as female, emulating females anyway? I've always found deep questions have answers like quicksand, they constantly shift, and different nuances to the questions and answers come into play................. I've got to stop now before I go mad, I just gotta be me......! Cheers, Eve xoxo

I can really relate to that, but have never explained in such summarised terms..............

I recently started a more serious conversation in therapy about what this (transition) really means. I'm not questioning it at all, i'm just trying to figure it out some more. Reading some of the thoughtful posts on here certainly helps, but doesn't get me all the way (and I realize "all the way" might not feel like far enough). I think the real question is how much of this is (1) expressing my real self (excellent), (2) overcoming habits from trying to live as a man for so long (good), or (3) perpetuating female stereotypes (not so good). Still much to figure out and learn xoxo Christie

I believe many here can sympathize with how you feel and is unfortunate that this happens. Myself like many others have travelled your path to one extent or another, some can deal with it while others can't and a cross road lays ahead where one path lies desperation and the other path which is usually difficult brings some semblance of relief or complete utopia. Should I take door number 1 or door number 2. And door number 2 can be very painful for the first few miles or the entire trip. I took door number 2 and never looked back while others have taken door number 2 and had partial or full regret. My saving grace was that even though I was rudely given a male body with a female inside I could for 50 years adapt for about 90 percent of the time to be somewhat happy and even over joyed at times until the female cried out to escape which until recently I could control then she demanded let me out and I complied.

Have you considered spending time with a therapist?

Last but one of your entries that I've read, it's like going backwards in time, peeling away layers.................. You've really gotten the bug to explain yourself, and get your secret offloaded............. Eve

Yeah I was fearful of rejections too, after being rejected by girls, and used by some others, it made me quite introspective in my late teens.........I expressed it as anger in my biker days from late teens to mid twenties, leading a misfit irresponsible lifestyle taking drugs etc..................I wasn't really happy, I never understood what happy was. Later when I tried talking about such things as sex change with my mother she poo-pooed it, even though I never let on that I was curious because I wasn't a "normal" typical male. Lets cut to the chase, It's only now that I feel happy after coming out as a Transwoman. It seems to me that you'll only be happy when you come out as a Transman.......leastways it seems to me to be your best shot at happiness. Cheers Eve

Your postings are very interesting this is the 4th or 5th in row that I've read, and itseems to me more and more that you really have to transgender, living a lie is unbearable. I had something similar not quite a lie, but a secret that I cross dressed in "The Closet", and couldn't bring myself to tell anybody, it was awful but I thought that I could control it. When I fnally came out to my 2nd wife it helped a lot but untill I came completely out to everyone the secret was an unbearably heavy burden on my soul, think of Frodo Baggins aka "the ring bearer", it felt kind of similar to me. Shame and guilt, hell yes, I felt all that but now it's gone and I feel free, happy, even joyful, I'm open and honest now, free of my earlier baggage.......... Cheers, Eve

I couldn't bring myself to like the above it's so sad, but I really feel for you. It sounds to me as if you need to be honest with yourself and others and stop blaming yourself, of course you're angry you've had to conform to other peoples ideas of what you should look like, behave like and be. But you're none of those things, be yourself, or you'll never be free of your torment of thinking you're a bad person. Other peoples ideas of what and who you should be?.........shit, that's their problem, let them get over it. We've all got to be who we are..............really. It's hard at first to let go of what society expects of us, it seems so scary and strange, even frightening at times, but it gets so much easier as time passes, I hope that you do find yourself and become yourself. Cheers, Eve

I agree with Karen, you're not a freak, but you sound quite confused, are you really bi-sexual or are you Transgender, or are you both? or do you want to be transgender? Most or at least many people have had confusing relationships in their early years, I almost had a gay relationship in my early teens but later the thought of being with a man, especially kissing a man turned me cold. I had many girlfreinds, but still liked to secretly cross-dress in the closet, but at all times I was attracted to females. Now that I have embarked on being a transwoman am I now gay? - in the lesbian sense of the term, but after taking hormones for a prolonged period of time I now fantasise about penises, but not the rest of the being around the edge of the pubic area! But I suspect I'll never do anything about that fantasy. Point is that it gets more and more confusing as time passes by and as one evolves...................I found it best to just be myself, enjoy and stop worrying. The only constant that has been in my life over the last 5 years is my wife - now termed as partner - whom I love dearly. I hope that this helps, by showing that you're not alone, not a freak, but just a human being............ Cheers, Eve

I believe the female puberty thing gets many of us and we learn as time passes by, I will admit I went through it and now look back and see it as part of my growth. Happy to hear your are on a joyful discovery now.

I use to find halloween a sanctum for no-bars outings before gender reassignment surgery. Would dress up, go to work then out to parties or bars and be extremely happy in that nobody would bother me, a male dressed as a female. My first time in Oregon, I dressed in a just above the knee skirt, white blouse and high heel pumps that I would call very business-like where many employees did not recognize me. Heck even one hit on me. This halloween will be my first as a female and the year before it was during my real life test. What I am doing this year? For the first time in 15 years giving out candy to neighborhood children early evening and then off to a local bar to meet up with a female friend. In one respect drab, no exhilarating push of adrenaline coursing through my veins for the sheer thrill of dressing as a female but instead perhaps my costume might be enough, a twenties flapper. For those who have not gone under the GRS knife and plan on going out, best wishes to you!!!

I am seing a psychiatrist at the end of the month.

This funny to me... because it just happened a few nights ago, working late... I was wearing a skirt and pantyhose, white canvas shoes doing some gardening... watering potted plants out front, and a man stopped to ask me... "Ma'me... do you have a lighter?"... I smiled, but did not turn around... (I was bent over picking up a potted plant)... but quietly said, in my softest feminine voice... "No, I don't"... I could have gotten him one...but I dared not turn around, as I had no makeup on, and am only marginally passable... My legs are always shaved smooth and very fit and shapely, as I ride a bicycle... a lot... and are often gazed upon , as they look very feminine. It has happened a few times over the years, especially when I went to the clubs, dressed... "to the nines" as they say, in full feminine mode.... Heels, short skirt, shaved legs, makeup, pantyhose... etc., etc.,

Hi everyone, I've been less active here recently because of my new position at work - i actually have work to do But I am still trying to keep up with reading entries! It's been 2 months of living full-time as a woman, and about the same on hormones. With the exception of being misgendered a couple of times it's been wonderful. Between this and my new job I don't think i've ever felt such contentment. I do wish my sister would come around, but fortunately i've come out to other family members who have all been very supportive! Next Monday (the 19th) my name officially changes, and my official gender (where I can change that). And when I see the endocrinologist again I plan to ask for referral (s) for a surgeon - if things continue as they are i'm hoping for top surgery next summer. I'm still working on the "what else do I want/need?", but making some progress. I stopped the volunteer gig that I had at a comedy club as it was no longer contributing anything to my life, and next Wednesday I start a new trans group at the lesbian/gay center. I've donated most of my male clothing now (to ascnyc, an aids service group). I'll stop this stream of consciousness now and catch up on some of your entries xoxo Christie

I'd always wanted a pair of nice boobs for as long as I could remember, I used to imagine what it'd be like to have boobs, what it'd feel like with my nipples placed out much further from my ribs than they used to be. Then when I came out as transvestite, dressing part-time, I used to long to be more feminine, and that really started me off with hormones, way before any sane person would have advised anybody to, so yes I self medded. I wanted as much feminisation as possible, to enable me to "pass" and act as a female, so that I could convincingly wear tight skirts, leggings, make-up, tight tops, and wait a minute isn't this sounding what a man's idea of what a woman is? It was mine. Point is that I knew that HRT would feminise me, that I'd grow boobs if I was lucky, that I'd loose upper body strength (I didn't realise just how much I'd lose though!), my facial features would soften, and that weight re-distribution would happen. This has happened, and over the last 14 months or so my tastes in female clothing have also changed, they started to become much more what a real woman would wear, same is true for make-up too. It's gradually started to dawn on me after all this time, that I'm becoming a woman, not just a more feminine version of the previous me, as I had previously been thinking of. HRT for trans women is not just about Hormone Replacement Therapy, I'd been taking oestrogen for 18 months or so before I became a patient of Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, and during that time I had developed as a more feminine male - the more feminine version of the previous me. HRT for trans women is as much about Hormone Removal Therapy, taking away testosterone has in my opinion, been responsible for my becoming a woman - not sure if there's still a way to go yet, I can only hope so. So it was a bit of a revelation to realise that I'm becoming a woman, but one that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. Maybe those in our community who have known from birth that they were born in the wrong body may already know that they are a woman, but there are many like me who did not posess those feelings or have that knowledge. So to those who are treading, or contemplating treading a similar HRT path, beware that you'll become a woman not just a feminine version of yourself. Cheers, Eve

About the only things I was covered for were doctor visits and drugs, everything else was out of pocket for me. There is better insurance which even covers surgery for those who make little to nothing while I am at the opposite end of the scale.

I paid 4USD for my meds each month. One thing that my doctor would be diligent about was me taking a baby aspirin each day once on HRT to be safe.

Well as most know it's not easy to meet someone even as cis-gender. I know from when I was male and attempted to lead that life. Pretty much had a girlfriend after my divorce from 2000 to 2012 but the majority of them were in another town, Portland which is a 20 minute drive or out in the sticks, closer but not much better. I always wanted to have a relationship with a female that was close to home but that never happened. I was not into casual sex but wanted to be in some type of relationship. From 2012 until three months or so ago I realized the same thing was true, hard to find a man or female close by that I was attracted too and could speak intelligent, hold a decent conversation. So over the past month I have been "playing the field" for both genders. I found one female that I get along fine with and the same with one man. Had to weed out a lot of people just to find these two and not fully committed to either one, guess I am a tad bit picky and have the right to be. I met a man last night at a bar, and I was horny and was not looking for anything past a casual encounter. Well I really hit the jackpot with this one, he was such a gentleman the entire night. Went back to his place and was taken back a bit to see his package, I did not measure but think it was eight inches and safe to say I made sure he made good use of it several times. He was the first man that know more than three positions and was very happy about that along with my pleasure came first. After the first go-around I laid there pleasuring myself which in turn got him ready again and it was great yet another time. Oh, with a long penis comes a wider penis and I had zero issues other than the length at some points was hitting against the back wall but what would a girl to think a eight inch penis is going to make it back there without knocking the back wall which is why other positions are good for a penis that length. Girls, in this case size did matter, especially width as I have little sensation there and a ton of sensation in my clit that can keep going and going, makes my body shake and toes curl in a great way. I should mention that after telling him about my past it was not a problem. He did say at first, you are playing a joke on me, I can't believe you were once male. I feel it's important to disclose to someone that you might get intimate with about one's past but if not and never plan too than mums the word.

Eve, Great post! One thing that I would like to add is that self-medicating can be extremely dangerous. There are a percentage of people who are risking their lives by doing so because they may be at risk. But you make a good point about feminizing. I have known my whole life I was trans*. Though I did not take prescribed drugs to feminize before I started HRT under a doctor's care, I did take supplements for a while. They can work, somewhat, but actually are a big waste of money (I spend much less on Estradiol and Spironalactone $20 / month - Generic pricing via Costco). Anyways, the decision to take hormones or even supplements should not be taken lightly. My goal with the supplements was to try to stay as feminine as possible without transitioning. I did have some breast growth and hip growth with them. But looking back, I had in some small way had already made a decision to transition, without really knowing or understanding what was going on inside of me. I thought I was in control. So my advice for anyone considering supplements or "bootleg" Estrogen, they should seek support (here and elsewhere) and therapy, in order to understand what that means and where it is headed. It can be hard for those to take that first step. Because those are tough questions to answer and many "don't want to go there". Anyone who reads this comment, and needs help, please contact me. I can and will help. --Lisa

Following on from my previous entry whilst on holiday, we had a day out in southern Belgium, now most towns in the Ardennes have a castle, a church, a river, and a WW2 Tank (normally a US Sherman, although Houfalize has a German Panther but no castle!). La Roche en Ardenne must be a more important town than most as it has two tanks - a British Achilles Mk10 tank destroyer and a US Sherman, it's where UK and US forces met when pushing back the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge. But an even more important sign of the towns importance was the Bunting along the main street, it was made up entirely of bras, there was also a display on the town hall too. After walking around the town, we had a meal in an Ardennais restaurant, well if we have gone all that way, we want to sample the local food, rather than international food. We had Civet de Marcassin which is wild boar stew, and if you've never tasted wild boar and you like meat generally, you've missed out! Anyway photo's are of the bra bunting, I was amazed at it...............& of the WW2 reminders. Cheers, Eve

So, today I just watched my wife drive off. She's gone and I'm here at my mother's house. I was offered the chance to come back home so many times if I just do not change. It was very tempting but I know for sure that i'll just be depressed and ready to end myself if I keep living a fake life. People keep telling me how this choice that I'm making is effecting everyone. Basically I'm the cause of everyone's in this situation. I understand that need a scapegoat for their pain but all I'm doing is being me. Most people get to do that with out getting a finger pointed at them. I'm very thankful for all my supportive friends and some of the family that have been supportive too. This is going to be a positive change for me and I don't want to let others drag me down into the goo.