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I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing. But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please. I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries. I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog. This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself. Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction. What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have... Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them. Just how many police initiated arrest you performed. So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what... One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none. It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested. So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way. I didn't have a cycle. I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others. NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival. Now, you know what. I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair. My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female. I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian. Again a butch lesbian, I am told. Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said. I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed. He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away. Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life. I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack. But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing. Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world. Will and can never hurt me. Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now. Be safe and take care of yourself. Love and protection from Michele H Ps... Question, how do you view this??? My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day??? Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me. It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday. I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him. I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

I never thought of it like this... Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender. I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else. And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!" So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass. Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could. But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl. I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting. And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk. Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl. And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy. So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me. I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think. Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her. But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best. Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be. Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world. Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes. How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition. I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch). Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head. But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her. I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her. I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings. Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world. First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone. Cheers, stay safe and love life. Michele H

Happy Monday everyone! I had my latest endocrinologist appointment last Thursday and he increased my estrogen prescription (to 2 mg from 1 mg), so that was exciting :-) We're having a reception at work this Thursday for someone who just made a large donation to the school ($5 million), which I'll be working at/attending. So I realized that I needed to get something to wear - something a little dressier than what I have. That lead to a trip to Kohl's where I found a dress, but I wasn't entirely happy with it for this event. So I then tried Le Chateau - a store that I went to several times for men's clothing, but hadn't yet gone to for women's. The experience was great - the sales clerk was very helpful, especially in picking out jewelry to go with the dress I picked out. I also broke another barrier in that I tried on the dress at the store. Since I started presenting full-time as a woman I haven't used dressing rooms at stores. It is partly laziness, and partly not wanting to have to take off and put back on my wig - but given the nature of this purchase I thought it best to do so. It was a little easier in this store as the fitting rooms are individual rooms located at various spots around the store, rather than a single area with a bunch of stalls - that'll be the next challenge next time I'm at Kohl's. The most important moment of the day came when I got back to the PATH (train) station to go home. I sat down to wait for the train and realized that I was feeling particularly content and happy, so I thought for a moment to see where it was coming from. It was coming from the fact that - sitting there as I was, dressed as I was, having just had the shopping trip that I had - I wasn't thinking that I was "dressed and shopping like a woman" but that I was "dressed and shopping like me." A further sign that I am fully integrating my transition mentally. xoxo Christie

Well that's lower than a normal males levels, however higher than a normal females. You might want to discuss and or ask your endo for intramuscular decapeptyl injections every 3 months, I've not known anyone over here complain about their effectiveness. Having said that it might otherwise just be a matter of time continuing with your existing blocker (I'm guessing cyproterone or spironolactone ?).Well anyway Christie you can google it and find out more, I'd also advise you to check costs it isn't particularly cheap at £207 a time over here.............but hey ho, nothing worth doing is ever easy. Cheers, Eve

I have a mental dilemma that has been plaguing my mind a little bit. Okay, a lot. It's sort of frustrating. It may be wrong of me and it may be slightly weird, but first of all, I'm Pansexual. No surprise there, I know. But if I can have a favorite 'type' of relationship, it would be guyXguy relationships. It's so cute! Something about it just really comforts me and its something I've always wanted, being that I'm, you know, Transmale. Some people associate me being Transgender with simply my want for a yaoi or gay relationship, but that's hardly the problem. Those people seriously need to research what transgender means >..> I'm not sure why, but something about two guys in love really just hits a string in my heart and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy I always wanted to feel what it was like to be in that situation and to be happy. It's all I thought about. And finding a boyfriend was no big deal for me because, at the time, I was presenting as female. The funny part was, as a woman, I never felt attractive. I never felt pretty or anything of the sort, and I disbelieved everyone who claimed that I was a beautiful girl. But now that I can be me, a man, and have full confidence in the fact that I'm not a bad looking guy either I'll admit, I kind of like me. Male me is sort of sexy sometimes.....Never said that before about myself, but now I feel like I can. Even more so if I ever get rid of these disgusting bulges on my chest. But looking back at old pictures of myself, I can now look at them and finally realize.....I was pretty. I was really pretty, actually. I mean, if I'd met someone who looked the way I did back then, shy and adorable yet really mysteriously attractive--I would have asked her out. Which sort of confuses me too because no one ever did lol But I can say now-----I see it now. I see what they were all complimenting....I was pretty. But I like me for me now lol so we're good. So now that I'm finally presenting male, part of my brain is like YES! FINALLY! I CAN HAVE A REAL GAY RELATIONSHIP! But on the other hand....my boyfriend doesnt see us as a gay couple. He refuses to, I think, because he does not like being considered gay because he knows whats truely in my jeans. Which saddens me a little....I know I cant blame him for it though. He will always see me as the girl he started dating 5 years ago, who slowly came into her own and became Warren. He cannot be blamed....he's always known me as a girl. That and before we started to date, he was very homophobic. I blame his mother, who is even more so. You cannot blame the student for how the teacher taught. But in our relationship, I rarely get that fuzzy feeling I got when watching gay couples out and about doing things like shopping or talking or cuddling. It's a different kind of comfortable, but not the same because----I dont know. Maybe it's my chest that ruins the thought. Or maybe it's his resistance? Maybe its just the knowledge that I'm not a 'real man'. It sort of bugs me sometimes....He wants to read some of my books but in a lot of the books that involve romance, it's a gay couple. So I'm nervous on letting him even peek at them because I fear his rejection and that typical curled nose expression he gives when approached with the topic of homosexuality. I dont know, just wanted to get my thoughts out a little bit. Gonna go back to my Sims game and have my total 'dawwwwwww' moments in my little dreamworlds. Mostly I just like building houses 0.o Your ever-confusing Friend, War BTW: Old pics of me

Thanks Michele

Hi Brittany - When I saw a few days ago that you had created a blog entry, I just thought that it was "nice to see you." I knew you hadn't been here on the forums in quite a while. But then I read your blog today. I wish I had advice for you. I can certainly see the frustration and desperation in your blog. I hope someone can offer their experiences. I know it won't help you get a job...or keep your HRT from running out...but maybe you can start coming here again every so often. Coming here helps me. Maybe it can help you a little. -Michael