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Things that make me smile… Seeing the leaves appearing on the trees in spring. Watching winter give way to spring always makes me happy. The leaves are bright and vibrant and fresh. It seems that, suddenly, everywhere appears to be more alive. People smile more and I guess it’s because they are more hopeful and filled with expectation now that the darkness and cold of winter is becoming a memory. Blue sky. Don’t get me wrong, I love clouds (I’m even a paid-up member of the Cloud Appreciation Society) - but you can’t beat a blue sky. There’s something basic and primeval about the way humans react to certain colours - and the blue of the sky is one of those colours that homo sapiens have reacted to for millennia. It’s ingrained in our DNA, I believe. Seeing Valentino Rossi win a race. Go Vale!!! You’ll always be my hero. #46 Jumping on one of my bikes when the sky is blue and heading through the countryside never fails to put a smile on my face. If you’ve never ridden a bike, you’re missing out on what could well be one of the best experiences of your life. Watching children jump into puddles left by the rain. Or watching them play in the leaves when it’s autumn. Reminds me of when I was a kid. The smell of good coffee. Heavenly. Also the smell of nutmeg or cinnamon. Talking of smells... There’s this aftershave (cologne) that I fell in love (or lust) with when I was a teenager. It is called Aramis. One of my teachers wore it every day at school. If I ever catch a whiff of Aramis, I grin like a fool. Music. Music always calms me. Or it invigorates me. I’ll listen to many types; there aren’t many genres I don’t like. The only exceptions are musicals and country music - I’ve never managed to get into them. But most other types of music will make me relax and smile. Writing. That’s another thing that calms my mind and makes me happy. Except when I have a block.

Hey Jay, Yeah man, I love riding my bicycle too. No rain today in Northern California and I'm soon to be found out and about for a couple of hours challenging myself through the foothills. It doesn't get much better than that! Have a great day, Emma

I havent blogged in a little bit...Mostly due to being sick, really. I took on several extra shifts for my boss because she came down with a flu-like sickness (which is sadly going around.) and now it seems like I got it. Thankfully it's gotten better over the past few days with some help from bedrest and Ginger Ale. And of course, binge watching Supernatural. Almost 2 seasons in the course of 3 days But with the new year starting out and my new insurance starting in Feburary, on comes a new(er) anxiety that's been bugging me like a mad dog in the back room. Surgery. I want it done this year. I need it done this year. At this point, I cant even tie my own shoes without nearly passing out from suffocation. It's just so damn hard to do daily life things with these......unbarable bags of yuck on my chest. I feel like my chest is under there, under the disgusting lumps--I just cant touch or see it. So now I have to go through the anxiety all over again of applying to have it approved and covered....or potentially declined. Again. Plus putting up a post about being sick and someone told me to "go P on a stick lol" I know she wasnt trying to be mean, but you DONT say that to a transguy. That is legit the worst case scenario that instantly put me into an anxiety attack and made me feel sick. I dont think I'd be able to handle it if it was true...I think I'd rather die than have kids. And honestly....I'm really sick of people telling me not to get my hopes too high, because it only makes me feel worse and less optimistic. Like I'm legit applying and the only possible outcome is denial. I'm starting to feel that overwhelming sense of depression all over again just thinking about being denied once more. Shoved aside and told to "deal with it" And then to add insult to injury, my GoFundMe page. I was shown a page (to laugh at) of a girl who has a gofundme page to remove a damn 420 (marijuana reference) tattoo from her damn forehead. She's been given over 1k$ in THREE DAYS!!!!!!!! And the comments below expose the fact that she's done this three times for the same cause, used all the money and never got the tattoo removed and starting all over again afterwards! Like----WHAT?! I've had my gofundme for a year with only 150$ and it's for a legit problem, and this scamming twit has over 1k$ just HANDED to her!? Ridiculous...... I cant go another year like this...I really cant. I feel like it's legit killing me. I cant breathe. I cant function. I cant work out, I cant go for walks because I cant breathe---I cant keep living like this. I'm to that mindset that if they dont do it for me, I'll mutilate myself to the point where they wont have a choice but help. I cant keep this up...I really cant. At this point I would have normally turned to cutting already, but I've so far only had one episode and I instantly regretted it and didnt do nearly as much damage as I normally would have.... Then I have the added problem of friendship issues. Alex has become really good friends with her, and I've gotten further away. I knew she was going to ask me to roleplay. And I just....dont want to anymore. I dont want to roleplay with anyone. I just cant keep trying to put myself in a fantasy land when I have way too much stuff going on in real life. I just dont have the imagination for it anymore. But she asked anyway when we barely started to talking again. Hardly gave me time to get used to talking again before she popped the question. Kind of ruined my want to talk to anyone. All my RP friends do the same thing. As if the only interesting thing about me was my roleplay, and since I dont RP now, they dont know what to do with me. Geez...thanks...I know she didnt do it to be mean but geez....let me breathe for a few weeks before trying to pull me back into normality....But I let Alex and whoever talk to her whenever they want. I've NEVER told them no. But she asks about me which I understand, and I had the opportunity to come and say hi while I was out, so I did. I got the "Warren" instead of "Ren" again. And it's not the first time. She's been doing it a lot, calling me Warren instead of Ren. To me, coming from her, that just feels extremely non-personal. She keeps trying to call me "storbror" which was sort of our thing when I was "normal" but I'm not comfortable with it anymore and I told her I wont be doing pet names anymore. But she still does it Anyway, I said "You know you can call me Ren right?" and she just replies with "Yes, I know."....Uh...ok? So I asked if that was a desensitizing thing. That every time I say hi, it's Warren not Ren an it felt like she's trying to unfamiliarize herself with me. And she just....blows up. "Um, no. First off, I talk to Alex, Milo and Abby (So?). You've been quiet today and I've been talking to alex all day. I was just making sure it was you (so there's others named Ren? Dont think so....) And you're such a liar. Whenever I talk to you its Storbror or babe. So dont even start with me." Then it goes to the whole "you always jump own my throat when I'm wrong, even if I'm not, but somehow you're a saint" type thing. Wow. Thanks. I ask a question and I'm automatically the bad guy....TOTALLY makes me want to say Hi more often...I'm just..I'm so done trying to---I dont know, try. Every time I do, she gets pissy about something I said or did. I'm just tired of being the bad guy. Alex or whoever wants to stay friends with her, fine. Whatever. But why is it that every time I walk away and say I'm done, I somehow always go back? I dont like fighting with her all the time and I legit do. And either she admits it or not, it is NOT always brought on by me. I dont know, I guess I'm just ranting. It's nice knowing someone here is actually listening to what I'm saying, even if there arent comments. I'm just tired of talking to walls... It feels like I have no one to talk to anymore. Most (if not all) my friends know I exist but dont acknowledge it. Plus any friends I did have, Alex or Abby now has, an I've been forgotten. Theyre more interesting or more talented or something and I get pushed to the side. Always do...I've considered just letting one of them out full time an saying [the heck with it], I'm out. Abby can do whatever the hell she wants, grow out my hair and be the chick my boyfriend wants. I just cant deal with it much longer...I cant even commit suicide because I'd be taking them out with me. Why would I deprive everyone else of their friends? I honestly have no 'want' left in me.... -The less interesting brother

...therapy... I know what works for me. The best therapy for me is immersing myself in my music or my painting or my writing. So I just bought myself a new synthesizer. It was either that or download a shed load of new music. And I've spent quite enough money on music downloads lately. I seem to have lost my muse when it comes to writing. The stories are in my head, but they aren't making it onto the virtual paper of my computer screen, for some reason. It's annoying; having all these tales rattling around inside my brain but unable to get them out. I have this one story on my mind at the moment that is almost perfectly formed. I have the characters, the storyline, a lot of the dialogue and most of the action between the two main protagonists, but each time I sit down to write it, there's a block - and I sit, staring at the screen, thinking, "How do I start?" It's stupid. I know the whole story; I know how it starts, how they develop their relationship, how their tale ends. But can I get it out of my brain? Nope. The last time I had a block like this, I worked out what I'd done wrong. On that particular story, I had backed myself into a corner, leaving me with a chapter I knew I had to write, but unable to get it out. So I went back and changed the previous two chapters, allowing me to then attack that next chapter differently. It worked. But now, if I can't even make a start on this new story, I can't get myself out of the corner. And these two characters are occupying my dreams as well as my waking mind, so I have to do something about them soon. Otherwise, I may have lost one of my therapies for a while. Maybe that's why I'm rambling on here. Sorry

HI Jay, It doesn't sound to me like you've lost your muse as much as you've gotten stuck in getting started, into the flow of writing. It's hard to fill up that blank screen. I found what often works for me is to turn away from the computer and use paper and pen. That was surprising for me because it's much slower. But, it's like my psyche knows it's okay if I make a mistake. I just cross it out and keep writing. And soon, the flow just begins and I can choose to stay on the paper or return to the computer. Give that a try! Emma

Well my partner writes, she talks with other writers she met on courses and gatherings etc., they help one another are you in such a group? Can put you in touch with my partner if you like? Oh I 'd just add that some of them are from different countries even, let alone scattered around the UK. Hugs, Eve

Dear Lisa, In your photos and writing I see and hear a sweet woman, who is considerate and kind, patient and yet steadfast. Thank you for this, your most recent post. All aspects of being TG and letting others know is hard. Harder than it should be, I think. After all we are the same people at our core that we were. So if they loved us before and now learn how deeply we need to express this side of ourselves, why oh why is it such a trauma for them? I suppose part is a worry that we will hurt ourselves either physically or in spirit. And, of course, there is a concern about how our gender will affect others feelings. Sounds to me like you're handling it very well. You're a beautiful example for all of us. Hugs, Emma

On February 8 I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss top surgery I'd have to wait until August for insurance to cover, but I wanted to start seeing what's involved. He's in Albany, but that's not too far and he's in-Network for insurance. Unrelated - today in Jersey City

Dear Ren, You have every right and reason to be frustrated, angry, and impatient. And yeah, it sucks that your "friends" are so few and seems that their depth and consideration of you is shallow. It does get harder as adults to meet more friends - especially ones that we really connect with. I don't have many (outside of TGG ). Besides my wife, my therapist, we really have only two who thankfully are another couple that my wife also likes. We met serendipitously. I met him at a fiction writing class over ten years ago. Wasn't looking for friends, just interested in writing. (And having one heck of a time not focusing on things-transgender, but that's another story.) If I may, I think that finding friends is like finding lovers and partners. When we are on looking, on the prowl, it's rare that we find someone, or at least someone that really matters to us. Mostly it happens when it's the last thing on our minds. Like grocery shopping, or a book reading, or a Sierra Club event (not sure if you have such a thing where you are). So my advice is this: find something out of your home that intrigues you, even a little, and go do it. Just go see if you like it and the people. If you don't, that's cool, at least you know. And then go find another one until you find yourself enjoying the company of the others, irrespective of their gender, sex, or orientation. Who knows, you might find new friends and more. At the least you'll be outside not hanging out with FB friends, and connecting with others. But like Chrissy and Veronica said, we're always here for you too. Warm hugs, Emma

Hiya Jay. My Favourite Piece of Music, which You can find on You Tube. Search - Widor's Toccata Organ Thomas Heywood. Thomas Is Australia's only Full-Time Concert Organist. If You see the start of this, it may well Make You Smile ! I Love Classical, Rock, Heavy Metal, Pop, and A lot of other types of Music. Pipe-Organ Music, is a Big thing with Me. We have All got Our Taste's. We lost Two Brilliant Musician's Recently. Lemmy from Motorhead, and David Bowie. Guns 'N' Roses, is one of My Favourite Group's, also, The Waterboys, Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Black Sabbath, The Beatles - Of Course, Rod Stewart, and Many More. Jay, Keep Smiling, Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx

Thanks for the advice

Thank you so much ladies. I did visit with my mom and sister in Ohio after I wrote this and we talked for several hours. I think that they are much better. I think that everyone wants to be able to categorize or describe something in concrete ways, leaving no room for gray areas. My mom and sister are certainly not like that. However there are others who are. I cannot explain to them why I am like this, or how me being transgender came to be. There are a lot of theories and explanations out there. But no one really knows, why I am like this. And no one knows better than I, who I am. That is a fact. This is who I am. It is a part of me the same way that a limb is on a body. Further, I am female, regardless of what people say, because again, that is who I am. And no one know better than I do who I am, what I need to live and survive.

Would be nice but I dont meet new people. I work, I sleep, I go on facebook (the land of fake) and go back to work.

Ren, Good luck with insurance and surgery! It really seems like even aside from dysphori you have medical issues with your breasts that they should cover. But it is insurance (mind only came around to covering transition costs because New York made them, it would be great of more states, or the federal government, would do the same). The problem with friends sounds complicated! At the risk of sounding new agey or Oprah-ish, I think the longer you live your more authentic life the more likely you are to start meeting new friends who will be more compatible with you. Not that it means giving up existing ones, just adding new - which might relieve some of the issues with the old ones. And of course you always have us to talk to Xoxo Chrissy

Weighed myself today, two pounds less then what I was last year at this time (one week before surgery).

For me it was Whitney Houston. To this day it hurts to think that she is gone. Even with her later music, when her voice wasn't what it had been, i couldn't listen to her without feeling something, and that is truly a gift.

Jay, I wonder why you wrote this. What was the context? Is someone suggesting that you see a therapist? Or, as you contemplate more steps along your journey you know that your medical establishment will insist on it for some sort of approval? Anyway, as you say, to each his own! If you don't feel the need, don't go, because unless you have a need driven by some inner concern or turmoil, what would you even talk about? But I will say that it's doubtful that they would ask "insensitive questions" should you go. In my experience (with so many over, my goodness, thirty years off and on) they typically just ask what is going on for me, and only ask questions for clarification. That said, I have found good ones and better ones. Some I connect to better than others. We are all people and there needs to be a chemistry of trust, respect (mutual), and faith that he/she has the wherewithal to help. Unfortunately that can take a while to determine, so it is an investment of time and money. I was also surprised to learn at least for me that therapy isn't like debugging a program or typo: identify the problem, determine the fix, and voila! All done and repaired. Nope, doesn't work that way. It's much more subtle and gradual. Maybe that is just my experience. I carried such a heavy load of shame and guilt over my TG feelings, and depression. The lifting of that load wasn't even obvious to me while it was happening. And then I started to wonder, is it happening? I'm feeling a little better, maybe this is a result? Indeed, after more time and sessions with my therapist, I can say that it has. Please know that I am most definitely not advising you to see one. I just wanted to share my experience in the hopes that, should you ever feel the need, this might help you. Hugs, Emma

Well Mr Jay, we share the problem of wrong organs...................and I've learned to take the rough with the smooth, some good in the report but some bad too...........aint that just typically life! Hugs, Eve

I don't know if this article will help you. I most certainly hope it provides some solace and maybe, inspiration.