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Thank you all for the support and kindness. I was terrified that being that open about the darker side of what is going on inside me right now would overshadow the lighter side. Both make me up. I am struggling and at the same time I am completely committed to making this work as best I can for Nikki and for myself. I have a lot of fear, and I have a lot of strength. I think in a lot of ways I have entered a completely new relationship. Nikki IS different already. There is no hiding or presentation of behaviors for my benefit, and things have changed for me significantly. But these changes have not been unwelcome either. I'm just very aware that there are places I can't follow in this, and that is terrifying to me that I might let Nikki down and break his heart as we go forward. But It might never happen either, and I'll always be able to live up to everything he wants from me like I am right now. I don't get a crystal ball here. Karen, we did not spend a lot, as Nikki talked about the weight. And I wanted to be sure that this is going to remain a permanent thing vs. the cyclical things it's been before spending big money. Just like I wait to make sure each stage of my weight loss isn't a temporary flux before I drop a couple hundred on new clothes or whatever else I need. We talked it over and once he's been through therapy and sorted out what he needs emotionally and physically, then we'll invest in more permanent things. For the love of god without the creepy plasticy edges. FOr the record, the plastic is bothering me just as much on the chicken cutlet thing he's got me wearing (and he's right, I do actually FIT into a single bra now instead of choosing which side of me fits). He might have caught me trying to steal a silicon real feel marital aid to stuff in my bra today. Thank you so much Bluemoon. I"m trying to be as open and me as I can be in written format so as to not only support him, but also because I really really like the people I have met here and want to forge real and lasting freindships. Your voices are wonderful, and I enjoy getting to experience them so much.

I have been around a few people at various points in their journey and watched several specials on true stories of transitioning and come away with a not so surprising conclusion. In most cases when a cisgender male who is married to a cisgender female comes out to her where she is accepting until he sets an hard date for gender reassignment surgery 99 percent get the eye's wide open thing going on, "he is really going to do it", "No more cisgender sex", "Wait a minute, I did not sign on for this". Seems when the penis goes so do many spouses. Now I don't believe it's just the penis as many married couples have less sexual encounters over the years it's now knowing conventional love making is out the door and the strong man they married is no more which comes from society drilling this into us from day one. Can you truly blame the partner for wanting "out" of the relationship? In the minds of many non-traditionals (non-cisgender) we don't see things the same way the significant other sees things and I believe for some this can change. I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

Spent most of my afternoon lounging with Bree both in our computer room and spent some time upstairs. Worked on trying to figure out a few things in my 3D program without success and am now just enjoying raid night with the guild. Today has just been a t-shirt, gym pants and the bra and breastforms kind of day. I did use the nair this morning to remove my chest and stomach hair. If I'm ambitious I'll get my legs tomorrow. Bree is absolutely right about the smooth skin having much more sensation to it. Should have done this a long time ago. Now if only we could get something that works better on my facial hair we'd be gold.

bree, that is probably the most real, genuine, insightful, and well expressed writing I’ve read in a long time. I totally understand what you’re saying and you explained it extremely well. in my intersex experience, all the women that I’ve been with accepted the feminine part of my identity and sexuality and were wonderful in making love to me as a woman, some with great desire, genuine involvement, passion, and even a little transformation of their own, and a few more mainly to please me rather than for their own or mutual gratification. my saving grace is that they never have to face or contemplate losing the male part of me and the kind of full-on sexual intercourse that they crave and need. most women that I’ve been with absolutely love that and are willing to play lesbians and even be part-time lesbians, but would never want to give that up. sex is so core, partly primal or animalistic. it has a life of its own. it's like a cat. it chooses us rather than we choosing it. I sense that nikki is a long way from transitioning fully from male to female and not mapping that out, but also understand that you think about everything and are aware of the fluidity and uncertainty of it all. There's also the sting of the deception from before and its continuing effects in wondering what might happen next or later in nikki's world that will affect yours. sex, identity, and gender are powerful, but so is love and bonding and you two are so strong in that.

Karen, As I think you know about me I don't have plans to transition. Yes, that may change and I can't predict that. But for now, that's my plan and provides maybe some context for what I'm going to say here now. My wife has been clear to me that a) she's terribly afraid of losing me, and b. she's not a lesbian. So, I'm pretty certain that if I started transitioning our relationship would disintegrate. My wife's been through a lot in her support of me, thank goodness, but I think transitioning just wouldn't work for her. I have some feelings about this too of course. I'd certainly prefer it if my wife was able to express her support the way Bree does for Nicki. I'd then feel a bit more freer to just be myself and that would take some pressure and uncertainty off of my shoulders. And yes, I've always felt that if I was a woman I'd be a lesbian! Thanks for brining up this interesting topic, Emma

I am so cold. My job is cheap with the heat, and I sit by a window. And I"m in the middle of a mass of office equipment, so a space heater is not practical. So I'm freezing cold, struggling with the four new steps they decided to add to an overly complicated invoicing process on a day when apparently the pricing dude decided not to deal with it so I have two weeks backed up. Stressed out. SO...Nikki had mentioned girl mode today and playing with the clothing and the forms, so I told him to take selfies for me and show them to me after work so I had something to think about besides the rest of my office trying to kill me by death from a thousand paper cuts. I do like the pictures, but he looks so serious. I think I bring more out in him than he does by himself, when I took photos the other night I got emotion all over the place from him in them and he was really into it. So now I'm really considering what that means, and what i come up with is make Nikki feel safe and free in either mode. He opens up when I'm around, always has in boy mode before I knew too compared to how he is when I'm not there. Our freinds at the summer retreat used to tell me that when I went down to the lake with E to swim Nikki would quiet up and bury himself in a book or videos, it took a few years before that stopped happening and he got more comfortable in this group. But even one on one apparently I bring out the best in him. And that is the best thing ever for a life partner to be able to do for each other. Now he's wrapped up in the new PJ"s we picked up from WomanWithin and I'm wrapped up in my new jacquard wrap, but the real reason I"m warm is Nikki loves me and needs me.

emma, I'm so sorry that your wife doesn't join you in your exploration and transformation with the energy and enthusiasm that bree does with nikki. of course, she's a rare and special creature to be that involved and excited about it. it's clear that stems not only from her devotion to him, but her being bisexual and more open or fluid than most about these things and in her overall persona. you show a lot of maturity and wisdom in knowing your limitations with your wife and willingness to sustain a compromise that works to keep your relationship and love intact and alive, without necessarily pursuing your ultimate fantasies. having that lasting love relationship is so valuable and more than many, perhaps most people have, trans or otherwise. you also seem to give yourself the acceptance and freedom to be who you are inside, which is what counts the most. i hope also being yourself here and being here for all of us adds to the richness of your life and satisfaction as a wonderful trans spirit.

Me too. That was insane. And we it wasn't like there was much choice or time to shop around for a better price! "I do this operation or she dies a horrible starvation death if she doesn't burst the intestine and die from septicemia first" I remember that part, that was scary enough that it cut through the drug haze.

​I can hardly blame you for that. Plus I'm still suffering sticker shock from the pricing on that.

I sowwy. I exploded.

With all our bills right now unfortunately electrolysis will be a long way off if ever.

​Not to derail this, but I wanted to share the forms I got. I ended up getting the Motowatar forms and got them for the sale price of $65, which I felt was a really good deal. I didn't want to spend a lot on them because I am trying to lose a significant amount of weight and would want to invest in another pair that's better sized for wherever I'm at that point.

There are no substitutes for a smooth face like electrolysis for the face. Been there, tried a bunch then did electrolysis 15 years ago and so happy since then.

Briannah, thanks for your response and candor. My main objective for my entry was to get members here thinking past HRT and dressing to GRS as I know many don't and this is more so for cisgender not gay or lesbians who have a higher rate of keeping a marriage in tack. The thing about "I am still the same person...", I used that term for interacting with people when i announced the hard date for my surgeries and not for relationships as this is new territory as I never dated a man, always females so I can't be the same person in relationships with a lover. You mentioned the breast forms were not what was expected, hopefully they did not cost a lot. Before my breast augmentation I purchased mine from "The Breast Store" and purchased these forms. When I purchased the forms my requirements had nothing to do with how they felt to the touch but instead how they felt moving throughout the day. I tried many breast forms through the years (over thirty years) and these by far were the best.

This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues. I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience. The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating. I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way. The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing - and doing something that I feel passion about. As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore). A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up. The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?). But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest." I had a strange feeling of excitement. I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was. That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle. So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-) Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue! xoxo Chrissy