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I was talking with Nikki about something today, and he called this his problem. I didn't like that. This isn't our problem, this is our lifestyle. The dog constantly dumpster and litter box diving, cats peeing anywhere they please, those are problems. Nikki enjoying dressing en femme and needing his body hair as gone as we can make it? Lifestyle. Because language does dictate thought. Ideas form from words, and the choice of words colors the thought. And the only problem my husband has inside himself is depression and anxiety fits, those do need to be and can be solved with time and therapy. My understanding of crossdressing is simple, it's not a disease or the disorder, it's a complicated set of emotional and possibly physical needs that require meeting, and will always require this. Just like my needs. So problem is an ugly word for this. I like lifestyle. And I have spent a lot of time self-examining, trying to figure out all the roadblocks that we will have to face if his needs change in the future because I want to be prepared, even if it never happens. And realizing I'm not really inclined to join other women in bed anymore made me stop and try to figure out, well, what the hell happened? And I realized with the maturity and healthier mindset I have on life and myself what happened. While I do have the ability to enjoy physical sex with partners of either gender, I never really got into a healthy commitment relationship with any of the women. And I had always identified a strong preference for men, but now that i"m examining it all I wondered what was going on with the women. WHY did I act on it? And why do I really not want to now? The answer lies in my complicated feelings for men after my abusive marriage. I had stopped trusting them, and I didn't like to be alone. And when the first female hit on me, and I physically responded, I thought why not? I don't like being alone, and here I can defend myself. And I set out to explore this new aspect of myself, but I didn't look into it too deeply. So now after a long, healthy marriage with Nikki, I realize had it not been for a deep fear of men warping my choices, I probably would NOT have acted on it. And the actions I took probably weren't healthy for me or my partners, but we learn from living. I'm not embarrassed to have explored with them with them or by their place in my past, but I am embarrassed that i didn't really give them myself like I should have as a partner. It wasn't fair, but I was too messed up to know then. I'm sorry for anyone's feeling that I injured in my inability to love them back. The men after I started opening that door again too. Nikki met me at a time where I was starting to overcome my issues, and was able to actually love someone back with the baby steps he was willing to put up with from me while I relearned my way in relationships. Well, at least I don't have a lot of 'what if's' about my sex life. I tried things. LOL

Last Thursday I went to Albany, NY for a surgery consultation (Surgeon who does breast augmentation + surgeon who works with transgender patients + takes my insurance = go to Albany). The surgery won't happen until August, I have to be on HRT for a full year before insurance will cover it (they'll cover it if I'm "not comfortable with the growth that occurs after a year on HRT"), so it's tentatively scheduled for August 12. I got the basics down - it's an outpatient procedure that will take about an hour. He took measurements and photos so that we can work on size issues later. But most important! As I waited in the exam room for the surgeon I took a moment for a "gut check" - periodically when something is becoming "more real" I like to stop and reflect on how I feel in that moment. This time, as with every other gut check moment so far, the feedback was "great!" I am still checking around for other surgeons - even if I go with this one I know I should talk to more than 1 (I did like him though) xoxo Chrissy

HI Bree, Nice post and, I assume, you're feeling better? Hope so. On the "problem" vs. "lifestyle" word choice I'm not a fan of either. I agree "problem" is not accurate. But "lifestyle" implies choice. Like sexuality, ones gender or feelings about their true gender, is not a choice. But maybe you mean that the expression of gender is a choice. I guess I could not argue with that, especially for trans men whom I think we would all agree have lots of choice. But for trans women? Much less, especially in public. I may have minced words here but that's my nature. As far as your sexuality goes, and your experiences, I think we all have histories that we wish we had handled better. Time to give yourself forgiveness. Look forward, not back. We can't undo the past! Yeah, once again, Emma states the obvious!

So after taking care of Bree for almost a week, I've contracted the milder form of the Hell Plague. So when I'm feeling better I'll be back on here more. Right now there's a lot of moping and moaning and drinking of juice.

I'm both sorry and really startled that you got something from me after all these years.

Hope both of you get well soon.

Congrats on moving forward with breast augmentation. One thing about HRT, the longer you are on this your breast for most will expand and will allow better fit for the new breast. I was in rest mode for four days afterwards after a three plus hours for surgery. One of the difficult things is restraining from using your arms e.g. can't raise them very high. For three weeks was in a binder and during that time was instructed to apply a special lotion to my breast. Thought for you, rather than going in with a predetermined cup size listen to the surgeon for their opinion. I asked for B but they rationalized a C cup which afterwards I feel was the correct size. Personally I just didn't feel right to have my breast done before GRS but I think I am in a small group as most get them first or at the same time as GRS. Any ways I am happy for you.