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Took Nikki's favorite cat to the vet, her purr has gone weird and she lost a lotta weight, we thought she had a respiratory infection or something. Unfortunately, it's looking like something and not an infection. They are sending her xrays and labs out, but the prevailing thought right now is that our kitty girl has lung cancer. So not happy right now, and desperately hoping for a hail mary your local vet was wrong, it's nothing. I know she's 14, but I'm just not ready.

Been on hormones for close to two years now and beginning to notice a difference in my brain from normal patterns of feeling unlike before and not certain how to put the changes into words even though I recognize not a subtle change but like dropping off a cliff. This involves general thought processes and emotions yet the emotional aspect has been changing small amounts over the entire time I have been on hormones. So far there is nothing negative in regards to the changes in my brain, only positive changes yet as mentioned above hard to put a handle on. Anyways been meaning to start an entry on this, have not gone very far at this point but will try to add “things” as my brain makes sense of things. For now it's simply another stepping stone in my journey.

Me too. We had to say good bye to a wonderful cat about six months ago. I still get choked up when I think of her. She was a good friend, UNLIKE the other one we have which only gives attention to my wife... I think cats are mystical and wonderful. I'm sorry, Bree, that you and Nicki are having to face this now. It is very hard. Emma

I'm so sorry things are tough. Went through a very tough time with my dog this year. She's recovered well, which is a relief that I cannot quite express. But I know the pain and heartache when a pet is sick and I wish you all my love and strength <3

I agree with all that Karen has said, I felt similar after about 18 - 20 months on hormones, and can add that mind changes carry on changing after 3 years. Tastes change, emotions continue to intensify, yes V, I too even when I was male used to get upset watching killings etcetera on the TV, but hormones really intensify emotions, I've also noticed that I'm much more tolerant, and I think more restful or peaceful too. I'm much more prepared to watch soaps now than before, previously this always seemed to me to be a female thing........ I suspect that as I carry on along my chosen path I'll find that changes will continue to happen, it's all part of growing up!

My version of tucking requires two items, patience’s, some pain (maybe) and persistence in the beginning. Item one is called a gaff from “The Breast form store” in the smallest size possible. My waist, 32 inch which falls in to the medium size so I went to a small size gaff. Item two, Spanx compression boy shorts (same sizing idea as the gaff) where there are two types, non-compression and compression version. Procedure, pull up the gaff to just above the knees, pull up the boy shorts over the gaff. The next part at first should be done sitting down but after a few trail runs you (like me) should be able to do the following standing up. While sitting down with the gaff and boy shorts in position with one hand do a Vulcan greeting (you know from Star Trek, Mr. Spock “Live long and prosper”). In this position, the penis goes between the ring and middle fingers. Now pull the testacies into your body and here there is a region where the testacies will slip into the inguinal canal which at first may be difficult to place the testacies into and to be honest depending on the sensitivity of the penis it may become erect. If it becomes erect stop everything and relax until the erection subsides. Once the testacies are in place, with the other hand tuck the penis between the legs and move both legs together. Quickly pull up the garments into place, as tight as possible and know with pushing things into a tight area may hurt so don’t move right away if this happens. The boy shorts will extend up to your naval, I suggest folding them down so they are almost like a bikini bottom. From here spend time as per above around the house. It’s been over twenty years since I started this but vaguely remembering after about a week there was zero pain involved. Additional things to work into the above, a panty liner inside the gaff when it’s very hot weather which helps to keep things dry. When done as laid out above you should be able to wear skin tight jeans and leggings without any sign of a penis or testacies. The Spanx boy shorts last time I purchased them were 44 dollars, not cheap. Two gaffs go for twenty dollars. That is a real investment and when I say investment the two items will last over 12 months when washed and cared for. This means if you tuck every day you will need at least one extra of both. I have two Spanx boy shorts in size small, still in the original packaging, never opened. Well now I have a vagina they are sitting in my closet hanging there. So what is a girl to do with the two pair, one black, and one tan? Any suggestions? When done right expect this

Veronica, everything was fully functional but did mastered pleasuring myself whilst tucked.

Found out a really decent human being I used to see at work every day until the middle of last year when he started cancer treatments passed away yesterday morning. He always had a smile on his face and always had a kind word and he really didn't deserve it. Hell no one does. I guess I kind of knew this was coming. No one had good news and he had to change where he was getting his treatment because he couldn't handle the drive anymore, but this isn't something anyone should ever get used to. On a happier note, Bree and I went cosmetic shopping last night to start getting things I'll need to experiment and get better at hiding my shadow and making me look more like a girl in girl mode, especially if we plan to go out. She was awesome about it, especially since I was very lost in that rather large aisle. We bought new make-up for her as well so that when we do go out we look more like girls out on the town. Definitely going more subtle with everything and not going overboard. The idea is to conceal not necessarily attract attention. Either way I was a bit apprehensive at first. Probably jut a bit squirrely about the whole thing really, but once we settled in and started trying to find things that would work on either of our faces it was actually a bit fun. Got a lot of sticker shock though and we stuck to the basic stuff but it was still a good chunk of change. Bree was right on with her estimate on how much we'd spent and I was under by a good $40. I was happy she found another one of those pony tail flip things for her hair since hers broke a while back. I'm thinking I might have to try it one of the days I'm in girl mode. I am notoriously bad with doing anything with my hair even though I keep it long. Less happy though, I'd completely forgotten some things when Bree and I had talked weeks ago but had written about elsewhere. Like when I was 9 I'd wished for months to just be a girl even going so far as to wish on the north star while I was riding home in the backseat one night fogging up the window while I had my face pressed up to get a better view. I'd forgotten that my dressing up was further back than going out in full dress for Rocky Horror with her or the Halloween before we'd met and that I'd raided an old box of clothes full of girls jeans and shirts and bras that I fit into and wearing them back before we moved out away from everyone I knew at the time and out to Ohio. I was basically living on my own as a teen, staying at the house and taking care of the horses along with going to school so when my friends didn't come over and I was on my own, I'd dress up and just go about my day. I don't know why I'd blanked on those. Really though, life is about change, and while I fully wanted to be a woman at the time and at the height of my depression issues, I thought that's what I wanted, talking with Bree has made me realize I'd been re-assessing myself and while I firmly believe I'm genderfluid at this point and firmly on the crossdressing and not transitioning end of things, I've really been dealing with this and purging for quite a long time. It's definitely stressers that really bring it to the forefront though. Especially looking back on it. When I was 9 my parents divorce was turning really ugly and there were fights back and forth all the time. While the feeling would remain for awhile, when that evened out so did that feeling, or at least I honestly can't remember it. This would have been four or five years after I was molested as a child though too. In my teens I ended up having to leave everything I'd known to head out and spend my senior year in high school in a completely new area hundreds of miles from where I'd grown up and that junior year I was mostly on my own and knew it was coming. Huge piles of stress and I'm sure depression right along with it, so knowing what I know now and looking back, this makes total sense that I was looking for something and dressing up, even in those jeans and blouses did it for me and made that go away. This would eventually lead to me looking into this again when my free ride to a private university fell apart because my family quit working there and I was stressed and depressed. I'd end up packing it away again when I met Bree because she made all that go away and got me back on track and was amazing. Fast forward though through fifteen years together and we're both working opposite shifts with no end in sight, me working a miserable shift where I barely saw anyone I knew and hated the people I did work with but was also left almost entirely alone for 70% of my work time and the depression kicked up into high gear along with an urge to dress and everything I'd packed away came barreling out and I explored and came to what I thought was the right conclusion and it kind of broke me a bit. I mean what would that do to Bree? What would this mean for me? After trying to figure out how to talk to her about it for two years, she stumbled on it on her own and I was forced to really look at it and coupled with her need to learn we realized some things and worked through some things and it got me where I'm at now. I still need therapy and to work through my childhood issues, but now I have a better outlet to deal with the stress in the way that works for me, and Bree has not only taken it in stride, but been an amazing wife and partner and I couldn't ask for a better situation to try and get through something with the person I love rather than continue fighting it on my own.

Good Evening, everyone. I do hope that everyone has had a pleasant day or evening. So far, mine has been rather uneventful and dull, aside from the taunting scent of fresh baked brownies coming from the kitchen. I've been informed that I'm not allowed, sadly. Warren has had us on this new kick of exercise and trying to eat better. I dare say, his sandwich he'd made with turkey, salami, cheese, spinach and red pepper hummus nearly forced me to vomit mid-bite. I do not think I'll be doing that again. On the side, we have been going to the gym whenever we have time and taking some time on the treadmill. 30 minutes so far, an average of 200 calories burned both times. We'd like to go more often, but we only go after-hours where we work (with permission) when no one else is there due to anxiety of working out around other people. Doing such demands we get there at around midnight, unfortunatly. It's been alright, so far. It's good to get out of the house and just get on a treadmill and watch a big screen while we work out. Honestly, my legs dont feel so restless at night now since we've been doing it. It has been surprisingly pleasant. We havent lost much weight yet but it's still very early in the routine so perhaps just to give it more time. We go back to see the surgeon Dr.Feins on the 13th for a revised consultation about the top surgery. Only after we get that done can we go ahead and send the paperwork to the insurance company and pray to all Gods known to man that they'll approve us for assistance. Or at least a loan of some sort. We're all very much counting on some assistance with this. We greatly appreciate everyone who had donated to the cause, and although the site forced us to withdraw the funds thus far, they remain in a box unspent and saved for surgery. Or at least some after-care products after the surgery is done, as it's not even 10% of the cost of the surgery. But it's all appreciated and much better than nothing!! Life has been slightly more quiet with the alters lately. Everyone seems to have settled down slightly and become more cooperative. Milo is surprisingly quiet, mostly entertaining himself with some game with Mathias. At times, Mathias will disappear altogether, most likely to his own headspace. Abby has decided she wants to change her name from Abriella Marilyn Dahlia to Harley Abriella Marilyn. No one has disagreed with this idea so I now have to get used to calling her Harley and not Abby. It's been more difficult that you'd think. Ben is more active lately, taking over while driving or coloring or watching television. Ren has settled a bit, seeming to have a more normal awake schedule and taking over more often, as he should. There's perhaps an inkling of yet another alt but thus far it has been nothing more than a thought. A presence noted, though it could very well just be the manifestation of one of the other alts popping in and out. I've yet to be able to identify solid tell-tale signs of specific alts, aside from scents. Milo tends to have a more childish smell, a bit like that scent you find on a young baby. Mathias tends to smell more like incense or a perfume of some sort, or perhaps a bath oil. Harley tends to smell more flowery, like a deodorant that Ren used to wear. Ben has a different smell, more boyish but not exactly a masculine scent. More like...perhaps popcorn mixed with axe deodorant, if that makes any sense. I cannot smell my own scent, as most people dont identify their own smells. I've been informed that I usually smell like sweat or fire smoke, though I'm not sure that's a good thing. Harley swears that it's a good smell, but that sounds drastically unattractive to me. Lastly, Ren tends to smell like Axe Pheonix and tea. Naturally, of course, considering those are his two most freuquently used items. I'm attempting to study these details more thoroughly in order to gain a sense of awareness to presences in alts. It's more difficult than you'd think. As if trying to memorize the order of a constantly shuffled deck of cards. Not impossible, I imagine, but very difficult. On another topic, we've been rather busy with our artwork. Though I'm disappointed that I can no longer 'draw' as well as I imagined or, frankly, remember being able to; I do find myself a slice of peacefulness by coloring sketches instead. We find pages online and have Justin's mother print them while she's at work, and we've secured them into a 3ring binder in page protectors. Everyone has a few tags with their initials on them, and they can 'claim' specific pages that they like. But only a certain amount of them at a time, only allowed to claim another page after one of their own has been finished. That way no one can claim dozens more than the next person. At present, Milo hasnt done any. They're a bit too 'grown up' for him, being detailed and whatnot, and he has his own cartoon coloring books. Though he's expressed no interest in actually coloring in them. He's been extremely quiet lately and sleeping a great amount. Perhaps when certain alts become more active, other alts become less active. Like a battery switching between certain lines, perhaps. Just an observation, of course. I'm not a scientist, nor a doctor. In terms of Ren and my writings, we've become rather accustomed to taking turns writing paragraphs. Depending on who has the best idea at the moment, we take our turns either when our creativity runs out or the other has a fantastic idea or scene that they'd like to add in. Of course, we take each piece into consideration instead of blotching together a confusing puzzle. But it works out, nonetheless. He's put me in charge of a few of the characters while he's mostly in charge of plotlines and altercations. The main character seems to be mine at the moment, which is nice. We've had a bit of a disagreement in regards to one of the characters, particularly her personality and appearance. He'd like to alter her in regards to copywrite and not wanting to overshadow a good friend's already-created character. I insist that he's being silly and to leave the poor character as she is, that I rather enjoy her with how we'd envisioned her. But he's starting to see the character in a different light than I am, and is threatening to scrap her altogether. I wont allow it, of course. To me, characters are people. They're creations of the mind and I take great care and appreciation into each one. Even the ones intended to be the less good or the evil doers. Any character's death is taken into a huge consideration to me, and I do not take lightly to simply writing out a character once I've envisioned them fully in my mind. Ellenora is a person to me, and not just fiction. She is caring, compassionate, intelligent and has a very large capacity for love and appreciation. She's gentle in the heart and soul, but firm when the time prompts for it. Even her appearance is set in stone to me, though he has agreed to allow me to change a few things. Her hair is a bit of an auburn color, not entirely red but vastly more crimson than chestnut. Her eyes will have a hue of green, though mostly a soft shade of brown. She has pleasantly rounded cheeks and an affectionate smile, causing little wrinkles towards the corners of her eyes when she shows her true happiness in things. This is not just a character to me. She is a dear friend, and a large piece of this puzzling book series. Without her, I fear the book will be lost. The plotline to ruin and the main character to be doomed to wandering without cause. He fails to see the reasoning for my compassion for fictional characters. But as I see it, characters are a piece of the writer. Little pieces that they do not show the world themselves, but through their art. That is what writing is to me. An art form, for it is just as challenging to me at times than it is to the painter before his canvas. I'm painting a picture and I want it to be perfect. I'll not have him switching my paints or smudging my lines. With that subject aside, we come to another event that has prompted my attention. While out to lunch with myself, Ren's brother Kai and his boyfriend Justin, we were enjoying a pleasant meal at a favorite restaurant. I ordered a drink that Ren normally wouldnt, prompting the attention of Kai, who is aware of my existence but understands not to out me. When the waitress were taking our orders, she noted to the fact that Ren was helping Kai order his food. Kai has a bit of a social anxiety as well, so he was helping him decide on what he'd like. The waitress thought this was cute and sweet, and smiled nicely and asked "are you two sister?". Well, to be honest, neither of us liked this at all, and Ren knew that it would bother Kai as well, as he is also transgender. Immediatly, though perhaps a little too sharply, Ren replied "No, we're brothers." The woman seemed a bit perplexed by this for a moment, but Ren stood his ground and Kai agreed. The waitress acknowledged this with confirming that she'd heard him correctly, and she had, and she left to put in our orders. Justin expressed his irritation that Ren had been rude by his tone towards her, so he'd made an effort the rest of the meal to be pleasant and smile to her nicely. Though I'm sure he didnt mean to snap, I'm glad that he didnt submit to her assumed gendering. I really wish that people would take more consideration into their words before letting them slip. To us, this was just another day in the life of a transgender man. To another person, it could have been a catastrophic and devastating blow to the self esteem. It has not been mentioned since by any of us verbally, but by the smile Kai gave Ren, I know that it was not for waste. It made his day, easily. I'm sad to report that Kai goes home on Sunday for a ridiculous and wasteful trip south with his appauling mother and transphobic older sister. But hopefully this has been a good visit for him, as we've done all we can (financially as well) to make this a good visit. We went to the theater (much to Ben's delight, as he finally got to see his idol on the big screen; Deadpool), we went out to dinners on a few occasions, and played endless hours of minecraft. Not to mention the hours that Kai clocked in by spending online on IMVU, despite the slight drop in internet speeds due to such. We've all done our bests to ignore the irritating internet speeds so that he could talk to his friends, since he wont be able to for a few months by the end of this week. I'm not sure if Justin is going with us to bring Kai back, as he hates Ren's mother with a passion so hot that he refuses all holidays with the family. Ren went to Christmas to their house by himself this past year, as Justin was refusing tooth and nail. I would too, if not for the uncontrollable circumstances of sharing a body. She boils my blood like no other woman I know, but I see no sense in dragging on the inevitable with her when I'm more concerned for Kai's safety. She's nothing to me but a roadblock, and every roadblock can be removed, one way...or another. However, it's closing soon to an hour past midnight, and I've been instructed not to stay up late as we have an appointment with the neighbor early tomorrow morning to help clean her house before lunch. I cannot refuse, as the poor woman is suffering enough as it is in a war with her pompous and pathetic waste of oxygen, her ex-husband. That little man is less my height and twice less my dignity. He's so self richious, I want nothing more than to perhaps run him over with a train. And maybe even in a loop to ensure he wont be bothering her again. He'll not stop until she's homeless, I swear, the disgusting cockroach. There's a special place in the depths for people like him, and he'll get his by the Punisher of the Tormentor soon enough. I only wish I could be there to see it. I'll have my own slice at the hellfire one day, I'm sure. But all I can do is pray it wont be today, and take all due punishments with my dignity intact. For now, I'll have to say goodnight and good day. As always, Your devoted Ghost, Alexandru