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I have posted entries before regarding things that I did't see coming, added comments to others entries about hormones and consequently thinking differently. I have read (somewhere on the web) about the indigenous peoples of North America accepting trans people as twice blessed, and other cultures around the world having similar attitudes. It strikes me as strange that some of the religions around today, seem to have leading lights that refuse to accept trans people, and also villify us. Perhaps I should have titled this entry "beware people bearing crosses", ..............anyway I've digressed. It seems to me that the North American indigenous population were quite right, I am now starting to realise that I have gained extra knowledge, that if I hadn't transitioned, I otherwise wouldn't possess, ok, of course you would, so what did I expect, I hear you thinking. Well I never really gave much thought, in as much as it never occurred to me, how females would be mentally and subtly so different from males, sometimes massively so, other times only nuances of difference. Of course not all cis females think the same, nor do cis males, nor for that matter do all trans people think the same, but they have all had their eyes opened if they have been exposed to the hormones missing from their birth gender, for long enough. However, unlike the cis population I now understand more than one gender alone, - if I ever was one gender in the first place? Anyway I don't want to digress again. It seems to me that trans people are in a much better position to understand the actions of either gender (sorry to be so binary however it's only the begining of my realisation - hopefully more will follow), and consequently would make excellent counsellors, and anybody who in fact has to make judgements, or offer advice. No wonder there is so much advice on the web for trans people. Perhaps I'm really talking about "insight", you know feminine or male insight, well perhaps now we might be starting to have the term trans insight? Cheers, Eve

From what I've read the Nature vs. Nurture question remains open, except perhaps for those who always knew. Throughout my investigation into the roots of my transgender nature I wanted the result to be that I was just born that way. Then I could easily say to my wife, the world and myself, "I am what I am, those were the cards I was dealt." And then they could take me or leave me, and if they left I'd at least know that because it was in my genes it just is what it is and move on. In case you're wondering, I still haven't figured it out. Recently my therapist suggested I read Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want. It essentially goes like this: Babies are born with emotions that are like little flames that need to be nurtured. If they are not, the babies learn to suppress those feelings so as to get along in life. For example, the baby feels anger, expresses it, is then rejected or isolated, and the baby then turns it on herself, as if to say (to herself) "I must be bad if I have emotions, therefore I have to suppress my emotions." But this results in sadness.This behavior may result in behavioral patterns (e.g., depression, flat-line emotional control, dissatisfaction) of adults who don't really know how to feel. Because when they do they defensive feelings emerge to counteract the genuine feelings which perpetuates the cycle. Upon finishing this book last weekend I got terribly depressed. It was as if the rug of "I was born this way" was ripped out from under my feet. You see, the book thoroughly describes my home environment. Without getting into too much history my mother was terribly depressed herself, hospitalized a couple of times, electroshock therapy, and when I was 24, committed suicide. Throughout my childhood I was alone when at home even if my mother or father was there. My mother might have been at home, often in bed or otherwise disconnected, and my father was at work, nights and weekends, on various space flight programs. Without getting into details, I was well and truly taught to be seen and not heard. When I met with my therapist last Thursday I recalled for him that I'd always admired girls, their unfettered expression of emotion: joy, love, sadness. And after reading this book I wondered: perhaps my transgender nature results more from my envy of girls' "allowed" to express emotion where, as a boy in my family, I was not? This morning I happened across this: I Am A Girl! - Ik ben een meisje! on YouTube. I'd seen it before but it really touched a nerve. She is so pretty, happy and, at 13, so grounded! I think you'll love seeing her. Clearly, she is transgender by nature. So now I wonder: Nature: was I born like Joppe in the video, but my natural needs and desires were suppressed into smithereens by my family environment?Nurture: If the former isn't correct then maybe I have an envy that arose from my upbringing, a desperate need to express and be myself which I saw as only available to females?Or maybe it's a combination of the two? Why does it matter? I guess I just really want to figure myself out. As if, like my wife, I was adopted and just want to know the truth of my background. I have fragmentary memories of early childhood that support either or both theories. No one to ask, since my father also died about ten years ago and I don't have siblings. Hmm, maybe I should return to my therapist's advice and just Stop Thinking! Just accept myself, follow my feelings. I am trying. But on Saturday mornings when I'm not consumed by career it's hard to ignore these thoughts. Oh I remember now what he'd say: "Get mindful, take a step back and consider your thinking from afar. What would you say to yourself as a child, if you could, today?" I think I'd say this: "IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU!"

Thanks Emma for sharing "I am a Girl" and could not be in more agreement about her. In regards to "Stop Thinking!", that was me at one point in time but could not accept myself as the feelings were relentless and overpowering that acceptance was impossible. Of course everyone is different whether they can or can't just be content at a particular "place" per-say.

Nicely said, Alexandru! We are what we are, and we're all beautiful and handsome for it. We all deserve the respect and courtesies that we earn through our behavior, actions, the respect and care we provide to others. It's not a zero-sum game: one plus one can equal more than two.

*Hugs* I like you. Thank you for the kindness of this post.

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains mention of--Self harm, abuse, self image, depression, and other possible triggering topics. You. This is something that has crossed my mind in recent events, and I shamelessly must let it out else my mind may explode. You. Male. Female. Transfemale. Transmale. Non-binary. Androgynous. Gender Fluid. Fae, they, him, her, we, zei, zem..... Pronouns and identities. More than I could ever count without assistance, but all are just as important as the next. I couldnt possibly name them all without looking them up, for the variety of people are as vast as the drops in the ocean. These were all things very much foreign to myself no more than two years ago. Had you asked me two years in the past, I would have simply replied that there are two genders, and Ren. Had you asked me if there was anything aside from men and women, I'd have said no. I'm no fool to lie and say that I knew about these sorts of things several years past. I'll admit fully that things I know now, I never new before. I never even assumed such things. But there is something that I do know, and had I known about this wide world of other identities back then, it still would have applied. The respect that you show a ciswoman when opening a door for her is also the same respect you should show a transwoman. The same respect you show a cisman who has done something admirably masculine, you should also share to a transman. The respect you show to anyone, regardless of gender or identity, should not be narrowed down based off who you think is noble enough to have it. It does not matter if that person has done something you feel is outside of your opinion of their gender, such as a feminine man or a masculine woman. They're people. Not an object. You cannot pick and choose where your respect lies. A hero with a revised birth certificate is no less a hero than a person with an unaltered. Your gender is not what is within your pants. Your value is not established by what, or who, you identify as. Your value is established by you. By the respect you show to others. By the compassion you show and the willingness to learn when others are trying to teach you about themselves. Regardless of the lesson or the context, you have the responsibility to show your attention; even if you dont understand at the time. It doesnt matter if you have marks on your flesh from burns, cuts, bruises or starvation. It does not matter if you wear small sizes or large sizes. It does not matter if your flesh is pale or dark or perhaps even the shade of the Grinch. You are your own value. A high, beautiful value. Your reflection may not please you, and this is something I understand fully. My own reflection is not, in many ways, my own. But that makes me no less a person. I am who I allow myself to be. I wished in so many ways, that I could see myself the way others see me. That way I could either love what I see, or know what it was that made them treat me so foully. But the truth is, you dont need anyone's approval. You dont need to mold yourself into what everyone else is. You have already been molded beautifully, flawlessly. But it is up to you to put that masterpiece in the kiln and finish who you are. You can paint your colors along the way, but you cannot successfully paint the surface until you're done trying to mold. The truth is, you are a beautiful soul. A beautiful person. And no, it does not matter who is reading this. You may be going through hard times, and others around you may or may not understand it. Not fully, anyway. There are always pieces of our pain that we never give to others, sometimes in shame and other times simply because we dont want them to suffer with us. I understand that. I'm still struggling with it. You may be battling sickness, or mental turmoil, or perhaps emotional tragedy. You may be self harming in one, or many, of a vast array of ways and not even know it. You may think "it's just a scratch" or "it's just one meal...". But it's not. Not to me. I may not know you personally, but I do care. If you dont believe me, just message me. We'll talk about whats going on, and we'll get through this together. In case no one has ever told you, you are beautiful. You are not fat. You are not too skinny. You are not ugly, you are not worthless, and you ARE worth so much more than you think. Your life is more valuable than their opinions. You do not need to watch your feet in shame and hide your face from the world. You have committed no crime worthy of self hate. Even Hannibal Lector knew that, despite his horrendous crimes, he was still a person. We've all done things wrong. And we all have things about ourselves that we not only dislike, but cannot change. But that does not make you any less of a person. You are valuable, and you are worthy of affection, protection, forgiveness and appreciation. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better, I mean it. I mean it for you and for myself. It's difficult and its frustrating, but you..my dearest reader...need to forgive yourself. For what you may ask? For doubting yourself. Everyone has doubted themselves at one point or another, but perhaps you do more than others around you. Dont. You're so much more capable than you let yourself be. I believe in you. Me, a stranger living lord knows how far away. Forgive yourself and move on, move up, and move higher. Something that Ren and I have taken very deeply is a speech from a Rocky movie. Not because it is possibly our most favorite franchise ever, but because when we hear it, we hear his father. I'll type the words, but please watch the scene. "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!" "I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens". But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaO8K1JSJuo) This, shamelessly, brings me to tears almost every time. And whenever we're in a tight spot, I search through our ipod and I find this and we listen. My point is, be yourself. No one can be you better than yourself. It doesnt matter what other people think about you. They dont know you like you do. No one does or ever will. I cannot promise that you wont loose people along the way, but if they walk away from you, they were never there to begin with. You're a treasure, not a burden. And if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Message me, or message me and ask for my number and I will gladly text you. You're worthy of appreciation and affection. Especially from yourself. And dont you dare let anyone tell you any different. Afterall, if they call you a freak, take it as a compliment. Freaks have the best understanding of the world around them, have fought the toughest battles, and as it's been said countless times over the centuries.....Us freaks have to stick together. Sincerely yours, A proud Freak, Alexandru

Love the top! I think your therapist's advice was great - "stop thinking" - that came up recently when I was doing my volunteer hours (peer counseling) and the client who came in was "concerned about transgender thoughts" - he was quite smart, a college student, and clearly was spending a lot of time analyzing the situation from an academic perspective - I was trying to find subtle ways to share that same advice, to stop thinking! I know from my own experience that I can over-analyze and there are just situations where that will drive you crazy ("analysis paralysis" is what one therapist called it)