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Hi all, haven't been around for a while and yes. I still hope that everyone is doing well. One of the most recent things that happened was a dreadful birthday, where I was feeling depressed and violated to the extend that I stayed indoors as I got home the day before and didn't leave my bed except for bathroom breaks and eating obviously, (from the Thursday evening till the Monday around noon. Didn't even answer any calls, just played games on my tablet and basically slept the whole time. I started lasering my face again, and it looked like I was brutally assaulted by someone. Bruises and swelling from my face to neck. Not even icing my face worked for the first few hours to stop the burning sensation. I can't remember that it was this painful before, but I'm writing this down to HRT and fat distribution. I should emphasize that I'm not dating, married or anything in that field with this next piece of information being shared. Drums please!!! I've become an instant parent to a teenager, 14 years old to be precise. This is like throwing me into the deep end at the pool without my floating vest and teaching me to swim. The last few months was difficult in a sense, but we will see if all our help worked out for his first exam. Yes a him, and what the hell do I know about boys, other then how to kick their asses in a fight and make their happy stick rise, bleed (part of ass kicking) and throw up. This has been an experience and I'm glad we are three in this endeavor, because the fourth person, the dad is almost never there and we found a t-shirt for him, "I'm on my but now where to be found". Yes he says he is around the corner and we already know he'll pitch when he finally pitches. Oh, my 11th anniversary started in January and I'm truly furniture in my rank, but luckily I've been around to know more then one field, and wished the exams thing was still in practic, because I'd be way further then what I am now. I also joined a fitness boot camp. May I laugh already, lost weight but only gained muscle and no inches off my middle, but enjoying it and I'm the naughty girl in the group, okay one of the naughty ladies. Breast development has stopped on an A cup, a 32A. The endocrinologist I'm using is new to HRT and lucky for me she is willing to learn, unlucky part is I get homework to do. Lastly, I've been super emotional for about three weeks and unfortunitely for the guy that got me crying, flew out the office, without witnesses but only persons seeing him land on his ass outside. Everyone was shocked as they saw me running out with tears streaming down my face. Now you are all caught up in my life. So my next blog will be about something relevant other then my emotional breakdowns. Enjoy the day and make sure to look after yourselves. I'm not there to punch that guy for you girls. Hugs and kisses Michele

I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks. I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure. So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not a minute later there she is. As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history. She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo. Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US. Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!

The truth here in my opinion is when hearing this (and have heard this many times) is what about your mental well-being? Can you envision yourself living a lie? The cold hard truth is, and should go without saying, see a qualified therapist and if they indicate you may very well be better off transitioning at one level or another to keep sane then it would be wise to entertain their thoughts on the matter of you, your life and your families lives. The atomic family is ever changing when only considering hetrosexual couples, toss in a third gender or a cisgender person who would be better off transitioning to the level of transition that makes them a well rounded person ought to be considered. My marriage, one reason for failure was I was living a lie. Lost a wife but through the years have always been close to my children and after transitioning I am here, I thinking of it as a late reboot down the road of life. Food for thought.

Super excited about the weather, and had a long talk with the girl who runs our summer retreat of friends, and she is fiercely pro-Nikki and told me (unsolicited, I was just answering her questions why I'd gone weird the last six months and then so busy I couldn't talk to anyone because I was in deep talks with Nikki about everything) "I'm completely comfortable with him bringing his femme clothes and anyone who isn't comfortable here can go the fuck home because this is our safe space". I love her so much. I relayed that to Nikki, and it was just so huge for him. He was asleep during my catch up call, but they are going to try to catch each other during the week and talk, they are as deep friends as she and I are. But she's a nightowl and we thanks to Nikki's job are stupidly early risers. Him way more than me. I fess up, I snore at him while he's getting up and ready for work, bad Bree. LOL SO now he's considering taking the plunge, trusting our close inner circle, and spending a day en femme at the retreat. GO NIKKI! He asked how I feel and I was all I don't care what you wear as long as it includes a bathing suit to swim with me. There is a rule at the retreat no one swims alone for safety, and while I do it at home all the time, I completely respect the hostesses need to feel safe that we're not drowning. So my insomnia is kinda going dormant and I can sleep again. The stress levels of the past nine or so months were crazy, and went absolutely nuts the first week I found out about Nikki's secret, but all the subsequent talking and working things out and the exit plan to my lung cancer-inducing job have made things so much better. I had no idea how twisted up I'd gotten until we started working things out. Knowing what is going on with Nikki and embracing it has made Nikki 'check back in' to the marriage. The last four years he'd been really checked out emotionally and timewise, and I was really unhappy with that and trying to connect but he was unable to tell me what was wrong and engage with me. Now that he's back as my spouse in the fullest sense of the word, things are getting back on track beautifully. There is no need to shut down conversations getting to close to his secret anymore, and the openness fosters a deep closeness between us that works both ways, he's been as supportive of me and trying to deal with my issues now as I am of him. Life is getting better everyday. And the weather is going up again! I hope this summer is hot and normal, like the winter was pretty much back in normal ranges after two brutal years of excessive cold (our normal is in the 20s, it was ranging from -10 to -45 at the worst the last two yeas). The last two summers were rather cool, which is great for those without ac (like us in the house) but sad for those with pools who want to swim. The first year I got the pool sucked so bad, they changed Nikki's hours shortly before we got it and I was on first and he was on seconds and everyone had to swim alone except for weekends. Then last year I missed like six weeks of swimmable season due to the surgery. This year we are going to swim and swim together dangit. *shakes her paw at the sky*

My best to you, barely made it through my kid's teen years and I had the bonding experience of the cute baby years to remind me not to kill random passerbys out of sheer frustration. It's a wonderful thing your doing though, helping a kid in need and doing your best. *hugs*

I'm glad you had a great time, and that all the voice work you did paid off!

From what I've read the Nature vs. Nurture question remains open, except perhaps for those who always knew. Throughout my investigation into the roots of my transgender nature I wanted the result to be that I was just born that way. Then I could easily say to my wife, the world and myself, "I am what I am, those were the cards I was dealt." And then they could take me or leave me, and if they left I'd at least know that because it was in my genes it just is what it is and move on. In case you're wondering, I still haven't figured it out. Recently my therapist suggested I read Living Like You Mean It: Use the Wisdom and Power of Your Emotions to Get the Life You Really Want. It essentially goes like this: Babies are born with emotions that are like little flames that need to be nurtured. If they are not, the babies learn to suppress those feelings so as to get along in life. For example, the baby feels anger, expresses it, is then rejected or isolated, and the baby then turns it on herself, as if to say (to herself) "I must be bad if I have emotions, therefore I have to suppress my emotions." But this results in sadness.This behavior may result in behavioral patterns (e.g., depression, flat-line emotional control, dissatisfaction) of adults who don't really know how to feel. Because when they do they defensive feelings emerge to counteract the genuine feelings which perpetuates the cycle. Upon finishing this book last weekend I got terribly depressed. It was as if the rug of "I was born this way" was ripped out from under my feet. You see, the book thoroughly describes my home environment. Without getting into too much history my mother was terribly depressed herself, hospitalized a couple of times, electroshock therapy, and when I was 24, committed suicide. Throughout my childhood I was alone when at home even if my mother or father was there. My mother might have been at home, often in bed or otherwise disconnected, and my father was at work, nights and weekends, on various space flight programs. Without getting into details, I was well and truly taught to be seen and not heard. When I met with my therapist last Thursday I recalled for him that I'd always admired girls, their unfettered expression of emotion: joy, love, sadness. And after reading this book I wondered: perhaps my transgender nature results more from my envy of girls' "allowed" to express emotion where, as a boy in my family, I was not? This morning I happened across this: I Am A Girl! - Ik ben een meisje! on YouTube. I'd seen it before but it really touched a nerve. She is so pretty, happy and, at 13, so grounded! I think you'll love seeing her. Clearly, she is transgender by nature. So now I wonder: Nature: was I born like Joppe in the video, but my natural needs and desires were suppressed into smithereens by my family environment?Nurture: If the former isn't correct then maybe I have an envy that arose from my upbringing, a desperate need to express and be myself which I saw as only available to females?Or maybe it's a combination of the two? Why does it matter? I guess I just really want to figure myself out. As if, like my wife, I was adopted and just want to know the truth of my background. I have fragmentary memories of early childhood that support either or both theories. No one to ask, since my father also died about ten years ago and I don't have siblings. Hmm, maybe I should return to my therapist's advice and just Stop Thinking! Just accept myself, follow my feelings. I am trying. But on Saturday mornings when I'm not consumed by career it's hard to ignore these thoughts. Oh I remember now what he'd say: "Get mindful, take a step back and consider your thinking from afar. What would you say to yourself as a child, if you could, today?" I think I'd say this: "IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU!"

Dear friends, Thank you for your thoughts and support. Really, you help me a lot. Together, we help each other. We're perfect the way we are or the way we're becoming. Karen, you're a beacon. You're truly remarkable the way you've navigated to your truth. Veronica, you're a North Star. I love hearing how you're coming into your own. I don't really know which direction I'm headed. Onward, and a lot better than I was before I joined TGG about a year and a half ago. Keep peeling back the onion. No idea how many more layers I'll find. Tonight I'm feeling like I may be nearing the center. Love, Emma

I have meet our moderator here (the week after GRS where she took me out for a great dinner in California), only member that I have meet in person but had the pleasure to chat with several members here in the past where one member setup a conference call each Saturday. Although the conference calls did not last long I think they were an excellent idea as vocalizing verses writing is vastly different. I am hoping to meet two members here in person (and would like to meet more), one in the US and one in the UK, both know who they are when reading this. Just received a request to meet up with a member of another site (not nearly as good as this site) this afternoon. This member has been around for a long time and expect from reading her post this should be an excellent get together. Oh, and I told her I expect to hit the Pandora store while at this mall. With that, I am curious if other members have met up with other members here? Any on a similar note in regards to meeting people, this morning my best friend's daughter ask if I would be there with her and her mother to pick out her prom dress. I am so excited so has asked me.