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Went to the therapy place with Nikki, and I stayed in the lobby, but man it was relaxing. They had this really zen music playing, and it was nice, and there was this pretty mood lamp next to me, and I was just mellowing out have a nice conversation with a lady until her appointment, then sitting working on a puzzle. I really should have asked what cd they were playing, that was some really nice laid back music. The couch was comfy. And there was water and a coffee bar if I got thirsty. Then lunch, and then we both got our hair cut. Well, I got mine maintenanced, basically did what I usually do, a layered bob that is easy to control and puffs up nicely so it doesn't LOOK as thin as it is. Nikki got an awesome choppy layer cut that looks great on him, and he was excited to show me how the front pieces hide the male hairline pattern. He'd been giving me side eye all week since I sorta locked him into this, but I think he's really glad he went with it. At the place I leaned over and whispered "This is a huge girl thing, relax and try to zen in girl mode and enjoy it!" And still plenty for me to play with. WOOT! Now I"m trying to figure out what to do with myself. It's an overcast day here, and that gray light literally sucks out my will to exist. Now that all the planned activities are done, I find myself bored outta my mind and lacking the motivation to really do anything about it. Dang gray lighting. Back in astronomy class in high school we did experiments with lighting, and had to put our head in a box, and different lights were used in the box. Full spectrum lighting made you feel awesome, the gray 'overcast' light simulator made you feel instantly depressed and down. It was really enlightening how immediate and dramatic the responses were to the lighting I was exposed to.

IT hasn't been like this...since um...the first year I was married maybe? I stopped fighting with my skin and just didn't really care. Nikki didn't care. But now it's a thing again, because I noticed that people see what they expect to see, and two girls going out for a calzone (OMG I LOVE CALZONES! and they are SO hard to find in my area for some reason) blend better if they are dressed and made up similarly. Like i reinforce the image of him. I know when I went out with actual girls people would stare at our group a lot because I was visually out of place. And while my female friends can deal, I don't want to put that strain on Nikki til he's more comfortable out. And there is a level of fun letting him do me up (and more practice for him is good). So today is girl day, as we agreed on. A little sad to be locked in doors, it's GORGEOUS outside, but Nikki's needs come first, and spring is coming. Right? RIGHT???? OHIO??? The weather is perking me up, I only lost an hour and a half to silly news and wedding fails today. Soon Nikki will be putting up THE POOL! *squirms in turtle excitement* I wish it was Friday, Friday I will be eating a tasty calzone. All I have calories left for dinner tonight is soup. But I'll still come in a bit under my daily allotment, and as ever I didn't include the exercise I did, and I did put in a short walk. Which I probably would have enjoyed more if my dang throat would clear up. Seriously, all the flu symptoms are gone except a persistant but really FAINTLY sore throat, and the roof of my mouth and throat are really white but not like strep, and my throat has this horrible dry itching that results in insane coughing. I would go back to my doctor but all the ice cream I ate to numb my throat packed six pounds back on, and I don't want her to know that. Trying to be good! And lost that six pounds super fast to go in. I know, it's dumb, but my dismorphia has been poked a lot and I need a small break.

So the plan is to get a haircut that matches with my avatar here a bit more. Lots of layers but more shoulder length so it's more where I like it. I always dread getting my haircut because I'm always worrying they'll cut it way too short. I like it long-ish. Bree and I went out for make-up last week, just the basics. I'm currently in girl mode and feeling a bit giddy about it all. I went through and followed a really good YouTube video for make-up covering the beard and all that jazz and did a preliminary test make-up, the first time I've applied it where I wasn't going to be up on stage. Stage make-up is supposed to not be subtle, so going for more subtle is taking me some work, but overall I like the results. my facial hair shadow is hidden and although I caked it a bit on (it was my first attempt) it's overall pretty even and doesn't scream that there's an issue. Bree has me do her make-up after, and I did get a big kick out of doing up her make-up while in girl mode. Bree doesn't wear make-up, like ever, so it's kind of a big deal that she's letting me do this and even agreeing to it. I mostly got hers right, but considering she's the second face I've don I missed a few things. Overall it looks pretty decent though. I keep checking between the two of us to make sure this is actually happening which is making her freak out a bit but in a cute way. We shared my situation with some more of our close friends and my first therapy session is tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous, but we'll see how it goes. Bree also shared a few photos with a close friend who was curious. I'm both relieved and kind of happy that more of my friends know. There's been a lot of acceptance so far which is amazing. The one friend has even tossed out our way that I should feel completely comfortable dressing at her place when we visit. I am seriously considering taking her up on it. Good practice and I'll get to be more comfortable with my friends if I'm having a stress or anxiety issue and need to flip to girl mode. There's been more talks with Bree about things. She's nervous about the therapy and I get it. She's gotten very comfortable with me in girl mode and we've brought it into more intimate situations between the two of us. I can understand the thought of this changing isn't great. I'm actually quite comfortable with this. There are a few thigns mroe I want but don't necessarily need, like hip and butt pads with the girdle and a separate corset, but I also need to lose some more weight I think before we spend even more. Granted the corset would be ok for awhile as I'd just be able to close it more as I lose weight and then would have to buy a new one in a year or so. It's a want though, not necessarily a need. I'm getting what I need from Bree and in girl mode and the fact that we are able to connect so well to this in the bedroom and out of it has made things in our marriage work a lot better. She's still upset over me lying about this to her for 17 years and she has every right to be. I don't and wouldn't ever fault her for that. That was all on me and my fault and I should have just come clean a long while ago when I felt this all come back instead of trying to bury it and figure this out on my own. The other thing I'm trying to do is be more open instead of just leaving things up to her. Instead of going along with something I know I'm not going to like I really need to speak up and if it's something I want I need to really let her know and if I don't care either way, then be more specific. Communication is a beautiful thing that I'm not very good at sometimes. I need to try doing this every day and get my thoughts down. I'm not terribly good at this, never have been really but it's something that can help later, especially when I'm working with Bree to figure this all out between the two of us. We have talked about going out to a local restaurant, well local in that it's in the next town and no one we know eats there besides us. The idea is to go as just two girls getting some tasty lunch. To be honest, I'm thrilled at this idea and terrified at the same time. Seeing the make-up results today helped a bit though. I need to find some good eye and eyebrow tutorials though so we can add a little bit more to the basics.

Well, you didn't cancel the idea in a panic like I was kinda expecting, so that's a plus. So makeup artist you're going to be ready to go when I get home and do me really fast? And then I"ll do both our hair, yes? Experimenting with your hair is a lot of fun, you have so much more of it than I do. I think getting our hair done together will be fun too. I will wear this for you, but I will never be any good at it. Even as a beginner you are more skilled at it than I am due to your artist history. I can't even draw a believable stick figure, remember? Let alone strait and even eyeliner. Gyah. This is one of the places C was always threatening my girl card on. LOL I'm much better with hair. We're going to have a negotiation about my eyes, or you're going to be recreating the roll of my stepmom chasing me around the room with an eyeliner pencil looking like something from Scooby Doo. And they always cut it a BIT shorter than you say, because it grows out really fast and the style holds longer. SO take a deep breath after okay? And if you get more into the rhythm of taking care of it, you might find what I did, it is healthier, looks better, and you have control when you're in the salon. They're there to try to please you! Trust me when I tell you most girls hate scraggly ends! Thank you for not turning it back on me, I've seen that a lot on threads and videos "I was scared, why can't you understand and are being selfish?" like I wasn't scared because I didn't understand why my marriage was dying and you spent four years checked out of it basically(honestly thought you were replacing me with some other girl), I really am trying to manage the 'angry' and let it go. It really helps that you get that it's not about what you need but what all the secrecy did to the marriage and shutting me out did to me. I'm lucky that while communication may not be your go to like it is mine, you ARE very empathetic and actually care about me. Yes, I'm horribly nervous about the therapy, but I knew we are forming our understanding of where we're at blindly on our own, and neither of us are experts. It will be what it will be, and we'll make our choices as we go as best we can. But more, I'm worried for you if you choose to try the hypnotherapy option to reclaim the memories. I have no idea if you'll be better served letting it go or facing it, and if the best route for you personally is facing it, I'm scared of how much hurt that will bring you. I have a box like that, and I know what it feels like to poke at it. If I could I would erase your box and make it just go away. I'm really happy you're working on actually being you, and I'm not talking how you dress. Telling me whatever I want and then getting mad at me for doing that is an awful situation for me. I'm always afraid I sound naggy or harpyish when I'm talking about these things with you, but it matters. I hope I don't sound bad, I just want a better barometer of what things mean when you say them. I'm really confused by a lot of your go to communication choices. I'm thinking down the road when we've mastered the financial mess, we should consider dance lessons. Cuz we're awful. And you want to go to places where they do that thing. LOL I need education to do more than step from side to side to slow music.

I was actually feeling kind of down today as our resident conspiracy theorist and cynicist extreme (I thought I was bad and he takes it to a whole new level) managed to be even crazier and down on everything than usual. The dude needs to go back to therapy or something because he's getting to levels where he could drive a room of people out just from his scowl. Anyway, did what I could to brighten my own mood a bit and talked to Bree as much as I could at work. Had to leave early today (thankfully) to head to my first therapy session with my new councilor. She's only my second, the first I had when my parents were going through their divorce so that was over thirty years ago and it didn't last long at all. So I went with Bree to my session which is taking place in a center that's a converted house which surprisingly made me more comfortable about the whole thing. I had butterflies on the way there and even up until actually meeting her. Bree was helping immensely. Went upstairs with her and talked about all sorts of things for over an hour. I talked a bit about what happened to me when i was a kid, my bouts of ongoing depression, how it's tied or triggers my need to dress, how it all affects my marriage, how Bree has been awesome and been helping, how I'm really confused as to where I sit with all of this. My therapist was great, asked me questions Bree told me they'd ask the first session, asked what I wanted out of this, and was generally pretty awesome about it all. I did ask about support in our local area and she confirmed that there basically is none which comforted Bree because we've been looking. She is thinking about starting one and I told her I'd absolutely be ok with joining in. It was basically an intake session where she could get to know me and for the most part I felt comfortable talking to her which is a good thing. My childhood trauma is hard to talk about either way. I'll be seeing her every other week for awhile starting next week. I'm hoping this helps me sort things out a bit and get a handle on the depression. While I like the fact I can use my crossdressing as a coping mechanism getting to the heart of it and figuring out how to get through some of it will be a good thing. After that Bree and I headed out to get lunch at my favorite sub place in town. They make them like I used to get them when I lived in New York and its very much comfort food. We talked a bit and worked through some more of my nervousness about our next stop, the hairdresser. I keep my hair long and I've always been nervous that the haircutter is just going to end up lopping too much of my hair off. I grow it thick and it tends to get split ends and a bit broken at the end. I got a really good one though and it has the same vibe as my avatar here does which is awesome. I especially like that it hangs naturally hiding my male pattern hair growth and brings in my forehead and Bree is right, it frames my face nicely whether I'm in boy mode or girl mode. It's a very unisex style that just flat out works for me. As usual with this, Bree is right and it did feel kind of like a girl's day out with both of us getting taken care of. Guess we'll be doing it again in a month and a half. Overall it was a nice recovery from the doldrums I was feeling. I was able to dump on my therapist which is what I'll be paying her for along with helping sort me out anyway. I feel like this coupled with working on things with Bree is going to help this all immensely and I'm really glad we've gotten this far. It's going to be a process but I think things are continuing in a positive direction which is never a bad thing.

I had surgery today and everything went better than expected. I wanted the anchor-t or inverted-t method so I have an extra scar, but I'm alright with that. That's a whole other can of worms. i do find if I am trying to stay awake for a prolonged period of time, I get nauseous. Also if you have surgery in the future- stay away from oranges and orange juice, you will regret it! My family still have no idea I went under the knife today. I haven't spoken to either of them in a while. I'm tired. I wanted to add pictures but don't know how. Could someone tell me how? Thanks.

Thanks Briannah (did I remember the spelling of your name right?) In post op I asked for orange juice and she said bc of the acidity it's not a good idea with anastetic. Last night approx 11 hours after I got out of surgery I had an orange and ginger ale ( I dont drink GA at all).. I only kept it down for about 45 minutes. My caregiver remembered what the nurse said about oranges. I forgot that interaction completely. I don't know about avoiding before surgery, but hope that helps :)

I'm sorry, and brace well for what's coming! *Hugs* Winter is not my favorite thing, but I confess I'm heavily biologically biased against it, cold triggers my asthma in all sorts of painful ways. I like heat, my asthma goes dormant. I grew up a bit south of you, Jersey beach bum girl! I really really miss having access to the ocean, it's one of the things I never got over losing when I moved from Jersey to Ohio. *sniffles* Usually Nikki takes me to an ocean once a year, but my stupid surgery made it financially improbable this year. OH well, next year is coming! All my life I wanted a pool, and the year Nikki and I finally got one was the best ever. I remember every little detail about getting in the first time (and nearly dying on the not quite properly leveled ladder that we spend six hours the next day fixing) and swimming in my OWN pool in my OWN yard for the first time ever. He was feeling the same way even though he admitted it wasn't one of his dreams forever like me. LOL I think he was a little blown away by how giddy I am over my pool, even now when it's packed away waiting for it's third summer. I'm off to face work, have to go in early to cover a doctors appointment for my boss.

HI Brigsby, Congratulations! I am sure you're feeling relief and delight. Also, some impatience for healing? Makes perfect sense to me. For the photos, yes, it's weird. For a blog you select a button called "upload" as I recall and then find the file on your computer and select it. I'm typing now on my iPad so I can't be more specific. Hope this helps and, more, that you make a very fast recovery! Emma

Wearing pantyhoes for the first time in years today, I tend to wear tight jeans and leggings but today calls for a dress and it's chilly today else I forego the pantyhoes. Check it out http://www.amazon.com/dp/B006STXOBY/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_asp_87uqK.DEPMPH4?fb_ref=Default

I have posted entries before regarding things that I did't see coming, added comments to others entries about hormones and consequently thinking differently. I have read (somewhere on the web) about the indigenous peoples of North America accepting trans people as twice blessed, and other cultures around the world having similar attitudes. It strikes me as strange that some of the religions around today, seem to have leading lights that refuse to accept trans people, and also villify us. Perhaps I should have titled this entry "beware people bearing crosses", ..............anyway I've digressed. It seems to me that the North American indigenous population were quite right, I am now starting to realise that I have gained extra knowledge, that if I hadn't transitioned, I otherwise wouldn't possess, ok, of course you would, so what did I expect, I hear you thinking. Well I never really gave much thought, in as much as it never occurred to me, how females would be mentally and subtly so different from males, sometimes massively so, other times only nuances of difference. Of course not all cis females think the same, nor do cis males, nor for that matter do all trans people think the same, but they have all had their eyes opened if they have been exposed to the hormones missing from their birth gender, for long enough. However, unlike the cis population I now understand more than one gender alone, - if I ever was one gender in the first place? Anyway I don't want to digress again. It seems to me that trans people are in a much better position to understand the actions of either gender (sorry to be so binary however it's only the begining of my realisation - hopefully more will follow), and consequently would make excellent counsellors, and anybody who in fact has to make judgements, or offer advice. No wonder there is so much advice on the web for trans people. Perhaps I'm really talking about "insight", you know feminine or male insight, well perhaps now we might be starting to have the term trans insight? Cheers, Eve