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So... obviously right now gender is a spotlight conversation and understanding topic in our household while we're figuring out how to meet everyone's needs. And now that I have time to think, I'm realizing he's confusing things in my head. This is not a complaint or criticizing post, this is just me working out my thoughts way early in the morning. I'm not usually up yet, and it's hard to articulate these feelings, so forgive me as I'm about to fail badly to express the mess in my head. Nikki has real trouble communicating thoughts and feelings (something that doing is inherently female to me, this throws my ability to see his inner girl but I keep trying) so maybe he's just not expressing himself well, but what he does express boils down being a girl to....boobs, makeup, and clothing. So we talk about those things a lot, but...they're all superficial to me. They are not what make me female. I didn't get a choice about the boobs(and would shrink them by half if he wouldn't have a massive sad and there was a nonsurgical option), and I ditched the makeup the minute I realized I DON'T need to do what society tells me to and I don't care for doing it much(but I don't mind Nikki doing it, but it triggers my I'm not artistic and I don't want to do this attitude), and I grab whatever I can find in clothing. But Nikki only ever says "I feel girly" if it's physical. Sometimes I try to interact with him like I did past girlfriends and he just gets weirded out. Granted I wasn't a very good partner in a girl/girl relationship, so maybe I"m doing it weird and that was part of why they all failed, but still... And that is making me question the whole thing. Not Nikki's needs, but the whole gender thing, and what IS my place in the world as a female? Is it just what I look like? Surely it can't be. Spent my whole life and equality stance on the idea that it's more. Was I wrong? I thought it was the strength to deal with all the ugly emotions, the flexibility in thought and beliefs to alter with every new understanding of the world, my ability to relate and maintain those relationships with others, my emotional barometer, and even the general softness of behaviors that i and most women I know exhibit. The physical stuff is just what I'm stuck with. Everytime I try to talk about these things with Nikki, he looks at me like I just grew a second evil head. He listens, but he stares at me utterly confused and it goes back to the phsyical conversation again. Option A: It's like he's idealizing what it is to be a woman based on what men perceive women to be, instead of feeling like one and trying to make his outside match his inside. Option B: I really don't understand what it is to be female, and have fallen into a trap looking for it to mean more than my outside to deal with societies judgement that i"m part of the lesser population, and am trying to attach strengths and behaviors and meanings to it that aren't there to counteract that feeling of lesser in my head. With time it will all get sorted out. I will keep telling myself that. But I had no idea this was going to make these kind of internal questions come up. I thought my part in this was to help him sort himself out, not have my own sense of self challenged to this degree. Although the psychologial websites say this is a normal phase for the spouse, so I guess I just got to it a wee bit late.

That felt a lot risky, but I need to articulate things as we go, both for myself to sort them out now, and the spouse that come after. My worldview has broken in very real ways, and I feel like I'm scrambling around trying to fix it. Seventeen years of having to alter my expectations because Nikki is SUCH a guy (not in the alpha male sports sorta stereotype, but in the emotional and communication ranges) and suddenly hey Bree, I think I"m actually a woman really skewed my sense of world understanding. And I'm only starting to realize this. Maybe I just don't understand why visual cues are important because I'm not brain-wired that way? I rejected all the visual cues pretty early on, they did nothing for me and I decided putting effort into them was not a valid use of my time because they did nothing for me. My brain is all about analysys, emotion, and intangible connections. What does the visual cues of femininity do you for you if I'm not being intrusive? My understanding was that it makes the inside match the outside as it were, but Nikki's inside is so confusing to me in terms of male or female and my understanding. So maybe learning something here from you can help!

I was actually feeling kind of down today as our resident conspiracy theorist and cynicist extreme (I thought I was bad and he takes it to a whole new level) managed to be even crazier and down on everything than usual. The dude needs to go back to therapy or something because he's getting to levels where he could drive a room of people out just from his scowl. Anyway, did what I could to brighten my own mood a bit and talked to Bree as much as I could at work. Had to leave early today (thankfully) to head to my first therapy session with my new councilor. She's only my second, the first I had when my parents were going through their divorce so that was over thirty years ago and it didn't last long at all. So I went with Bree to my session which is taking place in a center that's a converted house which surprisingly made me more comfortable about the whole thing. I had butterflies on the way there and even up until actually meeting her. Bree was helping immensely. Went upstairs with her and talked about all sorts of things for over an hour. I talked a bit about what happened to me when i was a kid, my bouts of ongoing depression, how it's tied or triggers my need to dress, how it all affects my marriage, how Bree has been awesome and been helping, how I'm really confused as to where I sit with all of this. My therapist was great, asked me questions Bree told me they'd ask the first session, asked what I wanted out of this, and was generally pretty awesome about it all. I did ask about support in our local area and she confirmed that there basically is none which comforted Bree because we've been looking. She is thinking about starting one and I told her I'd absolutely be ok with joining in. It was basically an intake session where she could get to know me and for the most part I felt comfortable talking to her which is a good thing. My childhood trauma is hard to talk about either way. I'll be seeing her every other week for awhile starting next week. I'm hoping this helps me sort things out a bit and get a handle on the depression. While I like the fact I can use my crossdressing as a coping mechanism getting to the heart of it and figuring out how to get through some of it will be a good thing. After that Bree and I headed out to get lunch at my favorite sub place in town. They make them like I used to get them when I lived in New York and its very much comfort food. We talked a bit and worked through some more of my nervousness about our next stop, the hairdresser. I keep my hair long and I've always been nervous that the haircutter is just going to end up lopping too much of my hair off. I grow it thick and it tends to get split ends and a bit broken at the end. I got a really good one though and it has the same vibe as my avatar here does which is awesome. I especially like that it hangs naturally hiding my male pattern hair growth and brings in my forehead and Bree is right, it frames my face nicely whether I'm in boy mode or girl mode. It's a very unisex style that just flat out works for me. As usual with this, Bree is right and it did feel kind of like a girl's day out with both of us getting taken care of. Guess we'll be doing it again in a month and a half. Overall it was a nice recovery from the doldrums I was feeling. I was able to dump on my therapist which is what I'll be paying her for along with helping sort me out anyway. I feel like this coupled with working on things with Bree is going to help this all immensely and I'm really glad we've gotten this far. It's going to be a process but I think things are continuing in a positive direction which is never a bad thing.

Day one Post Op: Pain and Mobility Expectation - To be too sore to live and need help with absolutely everything. Reality - I have taken my pain meds every 4 hours, and I am not in much pain, just a little sore. It's more of a discomfort.I am able to lift cups of water and pillows. I can't lift my arms higher than my chest muscles, but turn on lights using my head. I couldn't twist bottle caps off yesterday but I can tonight. Comfort (sitting, lying) Expectation - I wasn't sure, but was expecting it to be miserable and hard to get up and down. Reality - I first have to use my LEG muscles to sit on the edge of the couch and slowly scootch back. I have a "dead" neck pillow behind my low back, two firm pillows propping up my legs and a pillow under either elbow, plus a neck pillow. My caregiver needs to add these to my sitting situation. Bed is the same except I have a regular pillow under my back and a leg pillow sits slightly under my butt. If it's not there, I am not comfortable at all. Sleeping Expectation - I thought I'd be out cold for a week! Reality - The most sleep I have had in one batch was 2 hours and 16 minutes. Oddly, I am not that tired. As soon as I watch tv, I doze. I hear the show with my eyes closed, but not sleeping per se. Burping Expectation - None. Reality - OMG OUCH! Also,last night I thought I was going to vomit prior to every burp. I got the bucket ready, and just burped into it (Except once, which was just from eating an orange) Drain Tube Expectation - Not sure, but assumed there would be some. Reality - None. Bruising Expectation - Lots and dark. Reality - Minimal (but I guess it could get worse over the next few days) Recovery isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I don't know what would happen if I wasn't taking my pain meds though. I saw my surgeon for follow up today, and the car ride sure sucked with all the bumps. My left nipple is still bleeding, she said thats normal. It also appears that I do have nipple sensation still, which was very important to me. She asked if I could feel my nipples, and I said no, so she came over and scratched me harder than I was doing and I felt a tiny sensations. She said that would most likely come back stronger with time. The most odd thing about this experience is that a small portion of my bottom lip is numb, still 46 hours post op. It's from the ventilation tube. Honestly, the worst part about this entire experience was getting the IV put in. I have small and curly veins, so they pricked me a few times. I was also expecting my hand to be bruised because if it, but nope, not at all. I guess if I had to give advice to anyone having (top) surgery in the future it would to be to work your core and leg muscles, because those are the ones you'll use to get up and down. Also, have a wide variety of sizes and firmness in pillows on hand.

I'm happy to provide anything I can, but can't now as I have to go to work! I'll write later for sure. I do empathize with your situation and feelings, Bree, I want you to know that.

Bree, I think this is a terrific post and brings up some great points. At the real risk of offending Nikki or maybe others, I believe that a focus on the superficial aspects of ones trans gender is an early stage of the exploration and consideration of what it all means for the individual, and I think that is perfectly natural. Your reaction is perfectly normal too. Like an Austrlian woman I know, she referred to her boobs as her "floppy bits" as if they have little importance to her. But for me, seeing women and conceiving myself as having the body of a woman, breasts, and curves, and hair, and yes, clothing, are all very important visual cues of femininity. Maybe it would help to consider transmen. At times they "pack" meaning that they wear a rubber phalus in their underwear so as to show (and feel, I imagine) a bulge down there in their pants. Okay, but for me, I don't even think of the darned thing. Like you, it came with the package and I don't even think about it. Good for you for writing your thoughts. I imagine that that felt a little risky. Hugs, Emma

Hello again, my Lords, Ladies and Majesties. Up front I want to apologize for my outburst and dramatic exit. Stress has been neck deep over here and I unfortunately dove head first into the fritz so bad that Ms. Frizzle would surely kick my not-so-royal behind. I took a break and tried to collect myself again, but I cant promise that I'm back up to par. I still have a LOT going on over here but I'll do my best. Please forgive me if I mess up on my swearing and stuff again, but yes, I did read the rules and whatnot. Thanks for letting me know about those, I hadnt seen it posted and totally missed out on it. I'm trying to think of new, inventive ways to get out my annoyance with words much more innocent (and maybe amusing). I have a bad habit of swearing, I'll admit it fully. I put full blame on that with how I grew up Vermonters swear WAY more than we need to Anyway, I guess everyone wants an update (sorry if I start sounding like alex, he's on the edge of consciousness to let me know when I'm swearing again and sometimes his influence tips into my writing >.< ) So my little brother has been dragged to the depths of Georgia and every day he messages me it still irks me to no end. Not because he's messaging me! No way, I love him messaging me. It lets me know that he's okay at least. No he messages about all the shinanigans my older (and much less intelligent) sister is up to, normally barraging poor Kai with insults and criticism about being transgender and having his absolute own fashion sense (he seriously does lol kids today ) It annoys me so bad that she treats him like that and there's nothing I can do about it. I legit cannot even explain how much it annoys me without going back into my swearing fest (which I'm avoiding ) Otherwise he's alright. I plan to send him a phone card for his no-contract phone, some t-shirts (since my dead beat mother doesnt buy the poor kid clothes ) and some other random stuff so he doesnt get too sad down there. My mom is beyond ridiculous. Poor Kai, when he was visiting, came into my room all pouty and said he had to wear his boots when we were going out to lunch. When I asked why, he said it was because his shoes had finally broke. His converses, over two years old, full of holes and tears had finally decided to quit on the poor kid. You'd think, being a mom, that the darned woman would have bought her kid new shoes when they first started to break! No, she'd rather buy herself new shirts and new cowgirl boots.....UGH!!! It took me 20 minutes of convincing Kai to let me buy him shoes, giving him the end choice of buying guy shoes with me or dealing with mom buying him girl shoes later. I think it was the only reason he said yes, and it made me feel better knowing that he was being sent to Georgia with new shoes at least. With all that aside (for now more drama is sure to come), this sunday is the 13th. My Surgery Consultation. I'm supposed to meet up with Dr. Robert Feins in Manchester NH, and a lot of people have said he's amazing. I've gone in for a consultation with him before and he is, I'll fully admit, awesome. He's super friendly and if you guys remember my blog about my first consultation with him, he's extremely thoughtful when it comes to pronouns and whatever. So I'm kind of glad to go back to him in particular, but I'm also really nervous. I have a new insurance this time, and one that someone else said had approved them for top surgery. I know that I cannot do a full removal (bummer, believe me, but I totally understand the reasons) because of my weight. Reason being that if they went totally flat chested when I have kind of a belly on me, it just would not look natural. My plan is to have them go as small as they will let me, and then I'll be able to work out easier and work it off. If I have to go back in a few years to finish it, so be it. But I'm nervous because what if my new insurance is like the last one and says no? What if they tell me I cant do the surgery without hormones, which will surely end my relationship with my boyfriend? I kind of want hormones, but I want to keep my boyfriend even more. I can totally understand HIS side of everything in not wanting me to go on hormones. I mean, come on, give the guy a applause will you? Justin's 10000000000% straight (was homophobic when we first met until I whipped it outta him! ) and he's dating a transguy. He let me change my name, my pronouns, my gender marker---cut my hair, change my style, etc. For a straight guy, that's a lot of leverage! We've been together 6 years this september. I cant just throw that away for a deeper voice, some muscles and facial hair (which I already fight with). So, yeah....Maybe nervous wasnt the right word. Okay, confession. I'm terrified. I dont know how I'll be able to deal with being denied surgery again. I only have 233(?)$ out of 9,000$ needed for surgery if I pay for it myself, on top of us trying to safe $ for an apartment so we can have our own place and so I can rescue Kai out of my mom's abusive household. I'm broke guys, like....legit broke. I have 20$ in my wallet right now and that's for gas money. Spring Break is here which stinks for us people who work in the education section, meaning my 30hr work week is down to 12hrs a week. My paycheck is going to be absolute bologna ((Really hope my substitutes for swears is okay so far. Let me know!!!)). I think in the bank, I have a maximum of 300$, which will be gone by the end of the week because of car payments. I swear, not only can I not keep up, but I cant seem to stay afloat lately either. Granted I got my taxes back, but I didnt even break 1k$!!!!!! It's almost not even worth filing taxes So frustrating!!! I want to get a second job but I cant because then I'd lose my insurance. (I'm the one face first on the ground.) Anyway, That's basically life right now. Chaotic, annoying, frustrating, the works. Oh yeah, then someone told me I need to drink a cabbage/carrot/turnip drink. 0.o Like, what!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!? Oh yeah, and I've been going to the gym whenever I think of it and working out more on the treadmill and stuffles. 5pnds down! Which.....I'd gained from junkfood.....my bad. -Ren P.S. It was a rare 65F here in New England today ((IN MARCH!? WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! REVEAL YOURSELF, TINY WIZARD!)) So here's some pics of me and my Massive Moose and Fuzzy Friend, (Black Lab/Great Dane) Angel and (Collie?) Ziggy; Both rescues.