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Hmmm, there is an initial huge attraction to the girly side of femininity when first transitioning, at least that what I found, look at it like a small girl wanting to be grown up. It's a phase that I passed through, and as you actually do grow up as a new female you do begin to see the other myriad aspects of femininity, a lot of which is quite everyday humdrum, the desire to be ultra girly all the time subsides, and surfaces at times which is useful for special occasions. I well remember people talking to me in my early stages of transition about all of this, and yes I had a blank stare too! Long term don't worry. I'm still married to a beautiful cis woman, the same one that I married when I was male. We get along fine and still love each other. Cheers, Eve

Bree, I think this is a terrific post and brings up some great points. At the real risk of offending Nikki or maybe others, I believe that a focus on the superficial aspects of ones trans gender is an early stage of the exploration and consideration of what it all means for the individual, and I think that is perfectly natural. Your reaction is perfectly normal too. Like an Austrlian woman I know, she referred to her boobs as her "floppy bits" as if they have little importance to her. But for me, seeing women and conceiving myself as having the body of a woman, breasts, and curves, and hair, and yes, clothing, are all very important visual cues of femininity. Maybe it would help to consider transmen. At times they "pack" meaning that they wear a rubber phalus in their underwear so as to show (and feel, I imagine) a bulge down there in their pants. Okay, but for me, I don't even think of the darned thing. Like you, it came with the package and I don't even think about it. Good for you for writing your thoughts. I imagine that that felt a little risky. Hugs, Emma

Bree got me thinking after we talked and got into an argument because I'm over-reacting and not understanding like normal and maybe I am being a guy about all of this in how I relate to her. It's not easy on her, my either misunderstanding or complete lack thereof making her incredibly upset and now that we've talked more she made me realize I'm either coming across as being incredibly selfish or am incredibly selfish. I am being selfish on a lot of things in this. Yes there are some things that I'm trying not to be and I've realized I'm putting Bree through a lot and he's been amazing and I am being pretty negative about things. I don't know if that's the depression or if I've always been this way. Either way this isn't fair to her. These past few months have really been all about me and while we've touched on her issues a bit I've been way too focused on myself and that's not going to work. We're in a relationship, a damned good marriage with only a few issues (admittedly this is a big one) and I'm here lighting a fuse that I really don't want lit. Bree's so damned strong with most anything that comes her way, or always comes across that way, and we muddle through everything else together so much that I can really be an ass and not register how much she's hurting or underestimate the toll it's taking on her even when it's smacking me in the face. For a smart person I can be really dumb.

Many relationships where one is transgender or cross-dresser that person in many cases does become self-centered until the spouse calls them out on it which at this point focus needs change from self-centered to being there for each other.

I'm happy to provide anything I can, but can't now as I have to go to work! I'll write later for sure. I do empathize with your situation and feelings, Bree, I want you to know that.

Hello again, my Lords, Ladies and Majesties. Up front I want to apologize for my outburst and dramatic exit. Stress has been neck deep over here and I unfortunately dove head first into the fritz so bad that Ms. Frizzle would surely kick my not-so-royal behind. I took a break and tried to collect myself again, but I cant promise that I'm back up to par. I still have a LOT going on over here but I'll do my best. Please forgive me if I mess up on my swearing and stuff again, but yes, I did read the rules and whatnot. Thanks for letting me know about those, I hadnt seen it posted and totally missed out on it. I'm trying to think of new, inventive ways to get out my annoyance with words much more innocent (and maybe amusing). I have a bad habit of swearing, I'll admit it fully. I put full blame on that with how I grew up Vermonters swear WAY more than we need to Anyway, I guess everyone wants an update (sorry if I start sounding like alex, he's on the edge of consciousness to let me know when I'm swearing again and sometimes his influence tips into my writing >.< ) So my little brother has been dragged to the depths of Georgia and every day he messages me it still irks me to no end. Not because he's messaging me! No way, I love him messaging me. It lets me know that he's okay at least. No he messages about all the shinanigans my older (and much less intelligent) sister is up to, normally barraging poor Kai with insults and criticism about being transgender and having his absolute own fashion sense (he seriously does lol kids today ) It annoys me so bad that she treats him like that and there's nothing I can do about it. I legit cannot even explain how much it annoys me without going back into my swearing fest (which I'm avoiding ) Otherwise he's alright. I plan to send him a phone card for his no-contract phone, some t-shirts (since my dead beat mother doesnt buy the poor kid clothes ) and some other random stuff so he doesnt get too sad down there. My mom is beyond ridiculous. Poor Kai, when he was visiting, came into my room all pouty and said he had to wear his boots when we were going out to lunch. When I asked why, he said it was because his shoes had finally broke. His converses, over two years old, full of holes and tears had finally decided to quit on the poor kid. You'd think, being a mom, that the darned woman would have bought her kid new shoes when they first started to break! No, she'd rather buy herself new shirts and new cowgirl boots.....UGH!!! It took me 20 minutes of convincing Kai to let me buy him shoes, giving him the end choice of buying guy shoes with me or dealing with mom buying him girl shoes later. I think it was the only reason he said yes, and it made me feel better knowing that he was being sent to Georgia with new shoes at least. With all that aside (for now more drama is sure to come), this sunday is the 13th. My Surgery Consultation. I'm supposed to meet up with Dr. Robert Feins in Manchester NH, and a lot of people have said he's amazing. I've gone in for a consultation with him before and he is, I'll fully admit, awesome. He's super friendly and if you guys remember my blog about my first consultation with him, he's extremely thoughtful when it comes to pronouns and whatever. So I'm kind of glad to go back to him in particular, but I'm also really nervous. I have a new insurance this time, and one that someone else said had approved them for top surgery. I know that I cannot do a full removal (bummer, believe me, but I totally understand the reasons) because of my weight. Reason being that if they went totally flat chested when I have kind of a belly on me, it just would not look natural. My plan is to have them go as small as they will let me, and then I'll be able to work out easier and work it off. If I have to go back in a few years to finish it, so be it. But I'm nervous because what if my new insurance is like the last one and says no? What if they tell me I cant do the surgery without hormones, which will surely end my relationship with my boyfriend? I kind of want hormones, but I want to keep my boyfriend even more. I can totally understand HIS side of everything in not wanting me to go on hormones. I mean, come on, give the guy a applause will you? Justin's 10000000000% straight (was homophobic when we first met until I whipped it outta him! ) and he's dating a transguy. He let me change my name, my pronouns, my gender marker---cut my hair, change my style, etc. For a straight guy, that's a lot of leverage! We've been together 6 years this september. I cant just throw that away for a deeper voice, some muscles and facial hair (which I already fight with). So, yeah....Maybe nervous wasnt the right word. Okay, confession. I'm terrified. I dont know how I'll be able to deal with being denied surgery again. I only have 233(?)$ out of 9,000$ needed for surgery if I pay for it myself, on top of us trying to safe $ for an apartment so we can have our own place and so I can rescue Kai out of my mom's abusive household. I'm broke guys, like....legit broke. I have 20$ in my wallet right now and that's for gas money. Spring Break is here which stinks for us people who work in the education section, meaning my 30hr work week is down to 12hrs a week. My paycheck is going to be absolute bologna ((Really hope my substitutes for swears is okay so far. Let me know!!!)). I think in the bank, I have a maximum of 300$, which will be gone by the end of the week because of car payments. I swear, not only can I not keep up, but I cant seem to stay afloat lately either. Granted I got my taxes back, but I didnt even break 1k$!!!!!! It's almost not even worth filing taxes So frustrating!!! I want to get a second job but I cant because then I'd lose my insurance. (I'm the one face first on the ground.) Anyway, That's basically life right now. Chaotic, annoying, frustrating, the works. Oh yeah, then someone told me I need to drink a cabbage/carrot/turnip drink. 0.o Like, what!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!? Oh yeah, and I've been going to the gym whenever I think of it and working out more on the treadmill and stuffles. 5pnds down! Which.....I'd gained from junkfood.....my bad. -Ren P.S. It was a rare 65F here in New England today ((IN MARCH!? WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! REVEAL YOURSELF, TINY WIZARD!)) So here's some pics of me and my Massive Moose and Fuzzy Friend, (Black Lab/Great Dane) Angel and (Collie?) Ziggy; Both rescues.

So... obviously right now gender is a spotlight conversation and understanding topic in our household while we're figuring out how to meet everyone's needs. And now that I have time to think, I'm realizing he's confusing things in my head. This is not a complaint or criticizing post, this is just me working out my thoughts way early in the morning. I'm not usually up yet, and it's hard to articulate these feelings, so forgive me as I'm about to fail badly to express the mess in my head. Nikki has real trouble communicating thoughts and feelings (something that doing is inherently female to me, this throws my ability to see his inner girl but I keep trying) so maybe he's just not expressing himself well, but what he does express boils down being a girl to....boobs, makeup, and clothing. So we talk about those things a lot, but...they're all superficial to me. They are not what make me female. I didn't get a choice about the boobs(and would shrink them by half if he wouldn't have a massive sad and there was a nonsurgical option), and I ditched the makeup the minute I realized I DON'T need to do what society tells me to and I don't care for doing it much(but I don't mind Nikki doing it, but it triggers my I'm not artistic and I don't want to do this attitude), and I grab whatever I can find in clothing. But Nikki only ever says "I feel girly" if it's physical. Sometimes I try to interact with him like I did past girlfriends and he just gets weirded out. Granted I wasn't a very good partner in a girl/girl relationship, so maybe I"m doing it weird and that was part of why they all failed, but still... And that is making me question the whole thing. Not Nikki's needs, but the whole gender thing, and what IS my place in the world as a female? Is it just what I look like? Surely it can't be. Spent my whole life and equality stance on the idea that it's more. Was I wrong? I thought it was the strength to deal with all the ugly emotions, the flexibility in thought and beliefs to alter with every new understanding of the world, my ability to relate and maintain those relationships with others, my emotional barometer, and even the general softness of behaviors that i and most women I know exhibit. The physical stuff is just what I'm stuck with. Everytime I try to talk about these things with Nikki, he looks at me like I just grew a second evil head. He listens, but he stares at me utterly confused and it goes back to the phsyical conversation again. Option A: It's like he's idealizing what it is to be a woman based on what men perceive women to be, instead of feeling like one and trying to make his outside match his inside. Option B: I really don't understand what it is to be female, and have fallen into a trap looking for it to mean more than my outside to deal with societies judgement that i"m part of the lesser population, and am trying to attach strengths and behaviors and meanings to it that aren't there to counteract that feeling of lesser in my head. With time it will all get sorted out. I will keep telling myself that. But I had no idea this was going to make these kind of internal questions come up. I thought my part in this was to help him sort himself out, not have my own sense of self challenged to this degree. Although the psychologial websites say this is a normal phase for the spouse, so I guess I just got to it a wee bit late.

I'm not entirely sure it's all option A, but more of a variation on that. There's a lot there where when I dress as a woman it's more me dressing and presenting in how I want to look like and how I'd like to represent myself as a woman, not necessarily what I think a woman should look like, but what I should look like as a woman. Yes there's a lot with the physicality of it all right now, but I think I also haven't been really able to explore that at all. I know I'm terrible at really communicating these thoughts of mine and I'm working on it. It's not something I've really had to do externally and I've never been very good at the whole sharing thing and that's all on me. I know you and I kind of touched on this in conversations outside of here and they weren't exactly the most enlightening either way, but I kind of had that little epiphany when I started writing a reply here. I guess I'm working on all of this in stages. Since you and I talked and decided that HRT and full on transition is out and I'm going to limit this to dressing and being with you in either mode and as I need it to help, I guess I kind of concentrated on the dressing end of things and ways to make me look more like a girl when I'm in girl mode. I do need to work on expressing myself better and opening up to you more, but I kind of jumped on the dressing and looking the part first. As you like to say, I tend to focus on fixing things rather than going over it all. I absolutely want to get more of my feelings and thoughts out and I think those moments we've had when we've gone out and the lunch date we're going to today are going to be a huge part of that. I have huge butterflies about all of this right now and I'm not backing out but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have some trepidation about going out to lunch with you in girl mode. I do want to thank everyone for continuing to talk to me and Bree on this and share your experiences, thoughts and support. It means an awful lot to the both of us.

That felt a lot risky, but I need to articulate things as we go, both for myself to sort them out now, and the spouse that come after. My worldview has broken in very real ways, and I feel like I'm scrambling around trying to fix it. Seventeen years of having to alter my expectations because Nikki is SUCH a guy (not in the alpha male sports sorta stereotype, but in the emotional and communication ranges) and suddenly hey Bree, I think I"m actually a woman really skewed my sense of world understanding. And I'm only starting to realize this. Maybe I just don't understand why visual cues are important because I'm not brain-wired that way? I rejected all the visual cues pretty early on, they did nothing for me and I decided putting effort into them was not a valid use of my time because they did nothing for me. My brain is all about analysys, emotion, and intangible connections. What does the visual cues of femininity do you for you if I'm not being intrusive? My understanding was that it makes the inside match the outside as it were, but Nikki's inside is so confusing to me in terms of male or female and my understanding. So maybe learning something here from you can help!

YAY! I'm glad that I help you get through the scary things, and going to that first therapy IS scary. I remember that. I think a lot of therapist set up shop in a house for that very reason, the relaxed homey atmosphere. I loved the lobby, the music was amazing and it was a great place to relax. It's like I get an hour of zen every session you have! And I met some really nice people while they were waiting for their appointments. And that is weirdly an indicator that it's a good place, when the other patients are nice and comfortable and doing well. You asked me to open up what I consider my 'world' as a girl, and managing my hair is one of them. We just have to manage it in entirely separate directions, yours needs thinned out to tame, and mine needs to be encouraged to be more fluffy. Wanna trade?

I love the moose! They're both lovely, but that sweet face on the dane! *falls over from the cuteness* No apologies needed, life is messy! We do the best we can with it, but sharing the hard bits is every bit as important as sharing the fun and easy ones! Keep moving forward, even if it's just an inch right now, and one day you'll realize you went way further than you ever thought you could.