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As some here will recognize this "nature vs. nurture" thing has bothered me at times. At my age it hardly matters. It's not as if knowing that is going to change anything for me. But I've always felt it would help me to know that I was born this way. Last week I wrote about it a bit in this post: Chicken or the Egg: Nature vs. Nurture As I often do I shared my post with my therapist; we talked about it last Thursday evening. I love the way that I'm able to share my posts with him, and to receive his support and encouragement. As we talked about the nature vs. nurture question I mentioned that for the last couple of weeks I've not been feeling those transgender visceral needs/wants/envies. When this has happened in the past it's been both a relief and a regret, and a wonder when or if they will return and if I can possibly recognize a trigger for those feelings. Maybe now, I speculated, that I feel a bit more in touch with what happened to me emotionally in early childhood I'll discover that my transgender nature emerged from my rather strained nurturing? Without hesitation he replied, "Ebb and flow sounds completely natural to me. Not like a habit at all. And maybe that also reflects that, as a woman, the need, thrill, or awareness of dressing becomes unimportant until, for some reason it arises as a need to 'get your girl on.'" We talked about it some more. He said that it also seems evidently nature-based because, after all, I kept returning to these feelings throughout my childhood and life. As a young child (3-4-5 years old) I could have reacted in many ways to feeling emotionally suppressed. I could have been defiant, or a bully, or... Instead, I envied, dreamed, and often considered, being a girl. And those feelings were consistent through elementary school, junior high, high school, and college. It wasn't simply a reaction, it was me, expressing herself! How cool is that? Hmmm, that feels good. Gee, do I feel an inkling of Pride? I can hear Star Trek's Mr. Spock, "Interesting emotion, Emma!"

Hi all. Not that many days have past since I gave my last update. Being doing the fitness boot camp as I said, and on Thursday got certificates for attendance. Wasn't weird that completed it, but then I got the best improved on burpees, lol that was hilarious. Sat there and thought it was over and here I get called up for another thing. Well, I had on this confused face and all. Got up and went in because I somehow without knowing it became a couch as well. And my surprise is, there were people that have been part of the fitness group for months longer then myself and they still just there. I know the dumbstruck look doesnt become me, and I should've reacted with a smile, so I went in for a pose to stay, biatches I did it. What astounds me is the fact it all happened so fast and now my arms are more toned. By biceps aren't making bulges when relaxed, but I got this girly amount of upper arms. My abs are also feeling tighter, but not as tight as it was before. My legs are the same and lucky for me, not sticks. Emotionally I'm definitely doing better, seeing that all the dates I despise are gone now. Still miss my rock (dad) to bits and pieces. Still avoiding the scolding eyes and voice of my mom, who decided she needs to try and call me to wish me. Madam you know better then that. I could also see that my oldest sister felt like crap for not being invited to my younger sister's 40th birthday party. Do I care that I wasn't invited, not the least. Seeing that she is part of the entourage that doesn't want me to transition at all and that include the other Ice Queen (mother) and her followers my sister and brother in the center. My brother is trying to accept it, but only because his wife and in laws are giving him crap about it. And probably when he tells me danger, I'm the first to appear at his doorstep. Or it might be my personality. Then my mom is the youngest from her siblings, and constantly get chowed by her sisters, seeing that her gay brother is gone and they somehow had to learn understanding as children, but is it because I'm defiant, well I don't care that much as I cut myself off when she couldn't handle comforting me when she sneaked in and perused my diary to find out I tried to fight off an attacker (well there is always someone stronger then you) that raped and tried to kill me on my 16th birthday. Yes, 20 years back and the only thing she could think of was to ground me. As if I listened and continued on my merry way. (Pity definitely not wanted, it was 20 years ago and I can't think of how I'd be if that never happened. Yes funny how and ordeal can change a persons perspective on life, or just enhance it that you feel even more obligated to believe in your beliefs, and stand for what you always stood. I regret not starting earlier, because my doctors weren't as helpful as they could be, even though my ex GP confessed that he knew ever since I came there for my first checkup as a teenager. But he didn't feel it was his place, because my mother is so conservative and seeing that she is his patient, which almost stung. But hey I could see her supporter group growing, and mine dwindling until I stepped out and said F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)ck my world and the pricks living in it, because I'm part of the trans movement. I'm a strong woman as my dad would see me. Now, my strength can't be taken away from me, because I'm the ruler of my domain. I need to run and cut this short, seeing that I have a meeting. Yes, it's with a guy, and no!!! It's not a romantic date. Cheer for now. Michele PS. Some pics of me dying my hair, 2 with lip gloss and without. Enjoy

Figuring out oneself is hard, the human brain is probably the most complicated thing on earth physically and psychologically. It's nearly impossible to ever fully be sure if it's Maybelline or born with it, as it were. Sorry, have commercials stuck in my head today for some reason. At least it's not the fish heads song. But what is most important of all is coming to the greatest comfort with yourself that you possibly can, and I"m so happy to see you getting there! You have been an amazing friend, and I truly wish you all the joy and comfortableness life has to offfer! *Hugs*

I agree with Veronica in regards to both of you sharing, not many couples do this.

Well thanks for your comment Nikki, I didn't realise that you weren't on HRT. This throws my previous comment into a bit of doubt, when I started transitioning as a cross dresser or transvestite if you prefer, I went to a bar in Birmingham (UK) every 1st and 3rd Monday evening of a month, a group called "Outskirts" met there and it was a place where I built up courage, picked up tips etc from others, whom I made friends with. Not all of those friends went any further than cross dressing, which I know they still do, and they still dress ultra girly, and use lots of make up. I progressed through to HRT and living full time as female, it's HRT that changes the way you think and act. Point is that those early friends behaviour hasn't changed, so please take my previous comments about Bree's entry with a pinch of salt................sorry. I'm not advocating that you should change your mind regarding not taking HRT either, it's your life to do with as you wish, you only get one shot at it, shame there isn't a practice or dry run................ Cheers, Eve

I'm not entirely sure it's all option A, but more of a variation on that. There's a lot there where when I dress as a woman it's more me dressing and presenting in how I want to look like and how I'd like to represent myself as a woman, not necessarily what I think a woman should look like, but what I should look like as a woman. Yes there's a lot with the physicality of it all right now, but I think I also haven't been really able to explore that at all. I know I'm terrible at really communicating these thoughts of mine and I'm working on it. It's not something I've really had to do externally and I've never been very good at the whole sharing thing and that's all on me. I know you and I kind of touched on this in conversations outside of here and they weren't exactly the most enlightening either way, but I kind of had that little epiphany when I started writing a reply here. I guess I'm working on all of this in stages. Since you and I talked and decided that HRT and full on transition is out and I'm going to limit this to dressing and being with you in either mode and as I need it to help, I guess I kind of concentrated on the dressing end of things and ways to make me look more like a girl when I'm in girl mode. I do need to work on expressing myself better and opening up to you more, but I kind of jumped on the dressing and looking the part first. As you like to say, I tend to focus on fixing things rather than going over it all. I absolutely want to get more of my feelings and thoughts out and I think those moments we've had when we've gone out and the lunch date we're going to today are going to be a huge part of that. I have huge butterflies about all of this right now and I'm not backing out but I'd be lying if I didn't admit I have some trepidation about going out to lunch with you in girl mode. I do want to thank everyone for continuing to talk to me and Bree on this and share your experiences, thoughts and support. It means an awful lot to the both of us.

Hi Michele, You look lovely! I wish I could look so pretty. It's good to hear from you, on your progress, and your life. I'm sure that dealing with people who love you like family is harder. They really care and want the best for you. But only you know the direction of your North Star. It's your journey to take. It takes courage and strength and I can tell from your writing that you have it within you. Hugs, Emma

After talking with Bree we decided to talk on the way up for lunch and keep to our original Friday plans and hit up the calzone place we like. I have to admit I was more distracted getting ready this time than I have been before. It wasn't just the argument we'd gotten into but I have to admit that was a big part of it at the start. I was more thinking about the fact that Bree and I were going out on a date and I was going to be in girl mode, granted in casual girl mode in jeans and a nice shirt, but full make-up and breastforms and the girdle. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I don't know if it was that or the fact I need a very different blade but I nicked my face all over the place shaving before I put my make-up on. Either way I got ready before Bree made it home and then did her make-up before we headed out. Bree and I talked quite a bit on the way up. I definitely still think more like a guy in a lot of things, or at the very least I'm stuck in guy mode when it comes to that so it's a bit harder for me to really express myself. Bree was awesome about it though and we talked about my feelings and how I thought she felt at the time when this first came up back in January. It was a pretty good talk and I tried to concentrate on that, but the drive up was a bit distracting as they're re-working the entire roadway on the way up to where the restaurant is. One thing we talked about doing and I completely agree with is working with Bree on me being able express myself more like a girl in and out of girl mode. Bree was better able to talk to me about the way I came across as selfish and I did feel that I was selfish about this and agreed we needed to work on that. It was a big relief talking to her about all of this. I don't like causing any undue stress any more than I already have and us bouncing back and forth with ideas and where I was failing and where she thinks I can improve helps quite a bit with all of that. It was more than just a needed conversation and I think between the trip down and up we managed to hash out a few more things. We're far from done with it all but we're getting along through all of this more which is good. It did make me feel better. I don't like it when we fight. I get frustrated and upset, she gets upset, one of us ends up crying, just not a lot of fun all around and something that could have been avoided a bit more. Either way we didn't end up eating at the restaurant to get calzones like we planned. Usually there's a lunch rush there and then it's pretty dead but when we got there today they were absolutely packed. No seats open even though there was parking. I started to get anxious. I didn't want to have to stand around and I felt like I'd get found out if we had to stand around much at all and I could feel the beginnings of an anxiety attack growing. Bree being the awesome person she is though suggested that we could go someplace else. I don't know if she sensed how uncomfortable I was or that I was really building up to a freakout. Bree ended up suggesting another place that's another 30 minutes further away and it was a great idea so we headed back on the road. Sure it was chicken instead of calzone, but it's really good chicken. As soon as she suggested it though, all that anxiety and panic that was building instantly washed away which was a very good thing. I go into girl mode to feel better, not to freak out so that feeling encroaching into my comfort zone was absolutely not cool. We talked more on the way up, well more Bree talking and asking questions and me responding because I've been so closed off to her for so long and it's taking me a lot more now to open up. That's not good for either of us and it's something I need to work on. Like the blogs here. She pointed out that I don't get into it as much as I should and it's more like a news report than a breakdown of my thoughts on it. She asked me if I felt that I was maybe a bit more shallow on these things than she was and I am, but that's something I need to work on. So here I am. I have to say it was amazing for me being out with her in girl mode. We were out and on a date and hanging out and talking and when I wasn't consciously thinking about the fact that I was in girl mode out in public, it felt just like the two of us out on a date which is pretty much what she felt like and really what I was expecting from her, or at least hoping. I wasn't looking for her to be all amazed that it would be different but I was at least hoping that it'd feel like an actual date between the two of us, and other than her taking the lead and paying for everything at the restaurant and the pet store we visited after so that I wouldn't get clocked for my voice, it was very much like one of our regular dates. And overall the day made me really happy. I mean like I'm still happy happy. There are good moments in the depression when the happy peaks through for a bit but then the gloom returns, but I have had such a big smile on my face since we got home even though I swapped back over to guy mode for game night. Guy Mode, when I'm stressed or anxious or really feeling the depression, is the standard or kind of the default, the public face, the face I have to put on when I go out even if I'm having a terrible day and want to be in Girl Mode. Usually going from full on girl mode back into guy mode is depressing and I hate it and I feel like I've gone into girl mode to feel better and then that all gets yanked away just because of a stupid errand or other need to go back out. It's why I try to cram all our errands into one trip if I can help it after work so I can hop in girl mode and feel safe and comfortable and push back the bad feelings. This time there wasn't any really kind of twinge or anything when I had to go back to guy mode and put the breastforms away and take off my make-up. There was just this nice feeling of glowing happiness leftover from the day. Going out with Bree today in girl mode was a great step on the way to figuring this out between the two of us and it was the first time I'd gone out in public in girl mode and it wasn't Halloween or to Rocky Horror. It made me really happy and I've had that smile on my face far more than I've had it in a long time and 90% of that is Bree making sure I'm not just sitting around poking at the bad things in my head that keep the depression going or growing instead of punching it down. I did jump ahead a bit as the restaurant Bree ordered all the food and I stuck to things I could eat without my lipstick getting messed up. No one really looked at me there or at the pet store we went to right after the restaurant and I could just relax more and more with Bree while we were out and about. It was an amazing experience and as I already mentioned it did make me really happy but at the same time, it didn't feel all that much different than any of our regular dates. As Bree puts it, people look at me in girl mode and see hair, breasts, clothes, register me as female and move on. She's completely right of course, especially with the two of us out and about together. I really need to ignore those worries in my head and I'm sure as we go out together more like this it'll help. I think one of the more liberating results of today was when we got home and there was that time to move from our car at the curb to the house. I was going to put on my jacket to try to cover up my breasts a bit and stand out a bit less. I'm not out to anyone I know in town except Bree and my therapist. I asked Bree if I should throw on the jacket, we did a cursory glance around and she told me to just go for it. I don't know if she caught it or not but at that moment I was thrilled and proud and amused and I'm sure I had the biggest grin there in that moment than I had all day and we just went back to the house without a care in the world and it was outstanding. This last bit might be TMI for some, so skip this next paragraph and know that it was a fantastic day that made me happy and read the last one. There was some very nice make-up sex after all of that and I love that we've kind of brought this part of our lives into the bedroom with us incorporating several hybrid ideas and set-ups to bring that into our sex life. It's actually a lot of Bree in that end of things. I've let her lead things in the bedroom for a long while and this is also something we're working on. I'm not hiding this part of me any more so I have no excuse. Sure we hit a lot of my kinks otherwise, but there are a few things tied to this with me that it's been amazing to get involved here this deep with Bree as well. This was just an outstanding day and Bree is getting mad props from me for keeping me going with this instead of just keeping to the status quo. We're exploring more with this together and that's something that can only help the both of us as we go forward. Going forward means therapy for the depression which triggers the gender confusion rather than the confusion triggering the depression and work on my overall gender confusion, childhood abuse, as well as making all of this work with Bree. Bree's sexuality in our marriage doesn't include having a wife. We'd discussed it and after we'd gone through some of the older diagnosing charts, I mostly fall more on the dressing side anyway. I can handle just being able to dress and go into girl mode as needed when I'm having really bad days with the depression since that's what makes me feel better. The nice thing about dressing as opposed to full on HRT is that I'm still her Nikki under all of the stuff I put on over the top to put me in that place so I'm what she needs in the relationship and I'm still getting what I need to feel better. We're walking a balance trying to figure out what works for the both of us and what won't, so that's definitely a big thing. Sure there are things about my body I don't like, my body and facial hair are big ones for me. Bree and I are trying different methods to control both. That I'm extremely happy with. Bree has thrown a line down where HRT and surgery go. It would interfere with things in the bedroom and it would change things in the relationship between us. It'd alter my brain chemistry and change a number of things about my personality. Hormones are a potent thing and I don't feel like I need them to be happy when just throwing on my breastforms and a bra and putting my jeans and a t-shirt on do more than enough to calm my depression most of the time. Am I upset about that line? I'm actually more terrified of that line. Bree has been very open about it and told me that she doesn't think our marriage would survive it while she can very much deal with me crossdressing. I don't feel like she's limiting me really as she's said she'll still support me if I do have to go on HRT, but the way the dressing works and the way it makes me feel very much rule that out in my mind as a possibility moving forward. I feel like going into what I call girl mode which works emotionally for me is enough and it's something Bree is more than happy to work with me on. Bree makes me happy ultimately, the dressing is more a means to combat the depression that's been eating at the happiness Bree and I usually share together and I want her in my life as my wife. If that means I throw on breastforms every once in awhile instead of having my own breasts and work on developing a stranger emotional connection with her through that I think that's something I can very much work with.

Bree got me thinking after we talked and got into an argument because I'm over-reacting and not understanding like normal and maybe I am being a guy about all of this in how I relate to her. It's not easy on her, my either misunderstanding or complete lack thereof making her incredibly upset and now that we've talked more she made me realize I'm either coming across as being incredibly selfish or am incredibly selfish. I am being selfish on a lot of things in this. Yes there are some things that I'm trying not to be and I've realized I'm putting Bree through a lot and he's been amazing and I am being pretty negative about things. I don't know if that's the depression or if I've always been this way. Either way this isn't fair to her. These past few months have really been all about me and while we've touched on her issues a bit I've been way too focused on myself and that's not going to work. We're in a relationship, a damned good marriage with only a few issues (admittedly this is a big one) and I'm here lighting a fuse that I really don't want lit. Bree's so damned strong with most anything that comes her way, or always comes across that way, and we muddle through everything else together so much that I can really be an ass and not register how much she's hurting or underestimate the toll it's taking on her even when it's smacking me in the face. For a smart person I can be really dumb.

Many relationships where one is transgender or cross-dresser that person in many cases does become self-centered until the spouse calls them out on it which at this point focus needs change from self-centered to being there for each other.