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It's like my entire life blew up all at once. I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others. But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once. I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now. Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, but it really is a HUGE mix of my whole world. All at once. 1) We had committed too and started making financial changes in our life, and day to day living. And need to continue altering lifelong poor habits to improve, that's really not easy. 2) Still trying to establish healthy boundaries with my crazy dad and step-mom and failing utterly because they are insisting boundaries between parents and adult children are unrealistic and they feel they have teh right to treat me like crap. So they get cut out, start acting like normal people, contact is re-established, and the cycle continues. I could just refuse, but there is part of me that wants a family of some kind in that direction, not just generation forward. I'm dumb. 3) Restructuring my marriage, from communication, trust, sex, issues, roles, and who needs what as well as how to acquire the material things required given point 1. 4) Trying to actually conquer the body dismorphia. That's so much fun. 5) Major upheavels in my social circle to navigate. 6) My sick cat. 7) Crazy mom and all her issues. 8) the super and ongoing flu. 9) The hernia issues and trying to balance excercise and weight loss with not incarcerating again and needing immediate surgery. See points one and four for the major reasons I don't get that fixed now. 10) Attention defecit disorder and asthma. Always random stress induction. 11) All the self questioning realizing how very out of touch I had been with my own reality. Granted i wasn't given the data for a lot of it, but at the same time, however irrational, is a feeling of how could I not see? That's a big list.

That's the only word for it. I think I took on too much and it's worn me down. But at least I've realised now. My dysphoria (oh, how I hate that word - it's so clinical and doesn't adequately describe the situation) has become so much worse since I got myself on the waiting list for the GIC, came out to everyone and changed my name. So I thought that a good way to remedy that would be to find lots of stuff to occupy me. I volunteered extra hours at the local LGBT centre, I took on training for Advocacy work, I volunteered to prepare a bunch of articles for LGBT History Month in February, and I agreed to take on a similar task for March, preparing a bunch of articles and biographies for posting to the company LGBT Network's website in the days leading up to 31 March (International Trans Day of Visibility). I've worked hard on the preparation of those items; throwing myself headlong into the work, to distract myself from the dysphoria. And to distract myself from the knowledge that I couldn't write my usual stories. That writer's block was killing me because that's my usual outlet and I didn't have it. So, I've been spending weekends prepping stuff for March (I have to do it at weekends because of the way our company network is set up - so many websites & resources aren't available at work because they're blocked by the security systems). I have full biographies of around twenty five different notable trans* figures from history, as well as information on notable trans-related events from history. I have written a "Trans 101" for people who know next to nothing about the subject. I have written articles on non-binary identities, a piece on non-binary pronouns, articles on understanding & respect, and I gathered together a bunch of verbatim quotes from trans* people I know; these quotes span the full range of experiences of being trans* and come from people who identify as belonging somewhere on the trans* spectrum. That final piece will be posted on 31 March and, even if I say so myself, it's a very powerful piece - emotional, thought-provoking and sincere. And it gives a real flavour of the thoughts and experiences of trans* people. I asked the Trans* Advocate at our company to read and review all the stuff I'd prepared for the lead up to 31 March and she said she was "too busy" and I hadn't given her "enough notice" - that was on 10 March. By my reckoning, I've given her 21 days to read the stuff. So she obviously isn't interested. But what annoyed me more was she said, in her emailed reply to my request, "Be very careful with the language you use in anything you write - I wouldn't want you to offend any of my trans* colleagues." Like, what?? I AM ONE OF YOUR TRANS* COLLEAGUES! Does she think I don't know what I'm talking about? Does she think I don't know what it's like to be transgender? Does she think I'm going to be insensitive and use inappropriate language and terminology? As if! I've known I was transgender since before I was ten years old. Just because I have refrained from transitioning until now, doesn't make me a non-expert. So, anyway, I've reviewed everything I've written & prepared; reviewed it so many times now that I've become word-blind - and now I don't trust anything i've written. And I'm so annoyed that I've come to this point. Because I know that I threw myself into that task so heavily that it was bound to hurt when I had finished it, regardless of anything the company's Trans* Advocate had to say. Because, at the end of the day, I was doing it all for myself, not for anyone else. I needed the distraction. I so desperately needed the distraction. And now I want to delete everything and forget I ever started it. And I want to cry. But I can't cry. I haven't cried for months. I seem to have lost the ability. So instead I pick fights with my husband. Yeah, that's really productive, isn't it? The only good thing to have come out of all of this is that my writer's block has gone. I wrote three chapters for one of my books, yesterday. I just finished one chapter for another one, and I enjoyed doing it. The words have come back. Now that I have my trusted outlet again, maybe I'll be able to pull myself together.

Excited, going to a swingers club tonight. Last week I was given the tour and saw that it was just as much about sex as socializing. Tonight my plan is to socialize, get to know people and unless something intense happens will leave it at that. One of the things that I liked right up front is they don't give out their address until they exchange a few emails then invite you in before hours, 6 to 8 where the club officially opens for members at 8PM. For females the cost is twenty dollars per month. I was up front with them about being post-op, that was a non-issue with them but will be the first one. After the tour of the club the owner asked if I had any questions. I asked, should I come right out and tell members that I was formerly male. He said it was up to me but also said if he were me simply use good judgement and side on not telling them unless there happen to be an invite for playing with someone. Wearing a cute long sleeve (top drapes over the outer shoulders so no bra), just above the knee dress with Italian thigh highs with the black under the back with a garter belt, very little makeup, light eyeshadow and medium red lipstick. Update report I arrived at the club 30 minutes beforehand, was greeted by the president of the club and his wife and was introduced to several other early birds. I was asked if ready to join and said yes. Filled out a payment form, $15 for two weeks as a trial member. After two weeks the price for a month for light membership is $15 per month and full membership for $20 per month. How things went down, during the evening I was approached by a men in his early forties, talked with him for about an hour and saw he was interested. He went off to say hi to several other members then before his seat was cold had a female come over and chatted with me, next up three men who ended up getting into likes and dislikes sex stuff. They were both extremely interested in me and used the term "attractive woman" which I replied with (this is my way), thanks for the compliment but I see myself as average. One came back and said, you (me) are not average but very attractive. So I smiled and continued with the topic at hand. I was asked about me participating and said, not tonight as I want to learn the ropes. Of course the next question was "will you be back next weekend?", I said yes and will be ready to join in. Somehow we got talking about orgasams and I said that while sitting here talking I got off slightly by slightly pumping my hips while sitting down which I added could go for a long time but not to a full climax yet very satisfying just the same. I think one of my coy move was pulling up my dress in front of many men to adjust my garter belt. I slowly slid the dress up to my privates without showing them and spent about three minutes adjusting them. That got me more men coming over and saying hi. Oh, after about thirty minutes after arriving the president's wife chatted with me, first about a painting on the wall which the model had thigh highs which then had us talking about sexy underwear. She said at one point, I am so curious about seeing your vagina. I said, let me know when you want to see it and she said thanks. At this point we got into my current status as female, she said (as was indicated last week) to side on not telling members I was once male as my looks and voice (see made a point on the voice that it was female). Only disclose if I believe not telling would offend someone. The club is not about forging relationships outside of the club but instead to have a good time in the club. With that there are always the exceptions, one man said he was looking to get married again (oh lord, that's not me) and was looking at me. There was a cross-dresser there with his very supportive wife. My assessment of this person was, this is all about sex, not about passing. (S)he might pass, borderline but the voice was all male and not a completely clean shave. I will say this couple was a delight to chat with. BTW As told by more than one member, the club was setup to where females have the power per-say rather than men. There are some pretty heavy rules for anyone violating a female at the club. Permission is needed before physical contact and that females generally start things off e.g. there is a gang-bang event once a month where females are given wrist bands that they hand out to men who they want to be involved. Last week was gang-bang event, had six females going at it and heard it was great. I did not attend but did indicate I wanted to be in the event next month. Last thought, I believe my hair style was perfect, at the last minute I put my hair up in a pony tail and left strands of hair dangling down in the front which accented well with my black dress, and the black dress was the perfect choice for the night with the Italian style thigh highs, garter belt and FM (Fuck Me) black heels. Second update March 16th Today I received an email from one of the men I met, gave me his phone number, asked if we could meet again this weekend. So now I am contemplating my next action.

How'd it go? Did you meet cool people and have fun?

Day one Post Op: Pain and Mobility Expectation - To be too sore to live and need help with absolutely everything. Reality - I have taken my pain meds every 4 hours, and I am not in much pain, just a little sore. It's more of a discomfort.I am able to lift cups of water and pillows. I can't lift my arms higher than my chest muscles, but turn on lights using my head. I couldn't twist bottle caps off yesterday but I can tonight. Comfort (sitting, lying) Expectation - I wasn't sure, but was expecting it to be miserable and hard to get up and down. Reality - I first have to use my LEG muscles to sit on the edge of the couch and slowly scootch back. I have a "dead" neck pillow behind my low back, two firm pillows propping up my legs and a pillow under either elbow, plus a neck pillow. My caregiver needs to add these to my sitting situation. Bed is the same except I have a regular pillow under my back and a leg pillow sits slightly under my butt. If it's not there, I am not comfortable at all. Sleeping Expectation - I thought I'd be out cold for a week! Reality - The most sleep I have had in one batch was 2 hours and 16 minutes. Oddly, I am not that tired. As soon as I watch tv, I doze. I hear the show with my eyes closed, but not sleeping per se. Burping Expectation - None. Reality - OMG OUCH! Also,last night I thought I was going to vomit prior to every burp. I got the bucket ready, and just burped into it (Except once, which was just from eating an orange) Drain Tube Expectation - Not sure, but assumed there would be some. Reality - None. Bruising Expectation - Lots and dark. Reality - Minimal (but I guess it could get worse over the next few days) Recovery isn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I don't know what would happen if I wasn't taking my pain meds though. I saw my surgeon for follow up today, and the car ride sure sucked with all the bumps. My left nipple is still bleeding, she said thats normal. It also appears that I do have nipple sensation still, which was very important to me. She asked if I could feel my nipples, and I said no, so she came over and scratched me harder than I was doing and I felt a tiny sensations. She said that would most likely come back stronger with time. The most odd thing about this experience is that a small portion of my bottom lip is numb, still 46 hours post op. It's from the ventilation tube. Honestly, the worst part about this entire experience was getting the IV put in. I have small and curly veins, so they pricked me a few times. I was also expecting my hand to be bruised because if it, but nope, not at all. I guess if I had to give advice to anyone having (top) surgery in the future it would to be to work your core and leg muscles, because those are the ones you'll use to get up and down. Also, have a wide variety of sizes and firmness in pillows on hand.

It has been quite awhile since I have updated. A lot has happened over the last two months. Recently I attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, VA which is less than a 2 hour drive for me. I only attended the conference Friday and Saturday, had a wonderful time, a bit tired but learned a lot. My primary reason for attending was to meet with several surgeons and get consultations for FFS. I also wanted to attend the sessions, meet others. Before I arrived to the conference, I did try to get on the schedules of surgeons for consultations so that I can get estimates and potentially schedule surgery. So I only had two consultations with Dr. Rumer and Dr. Leis. They are local to the Philly area so they are very accessible for me. I was please with both doctors. I also attended their informational sessions at the conference. I showed them a pencil drawing that I did of myself when I was 17 years old (I posted it here for reference), just to show them how my face has changed over the years. Specifically, there is a bump on my nose, the distance between nose and upper lip is a little longer. My jawline more pronounced. But what has changed the most is my brow. It is very pronounced. Given the changes to my face, I still wouldn't change much, but the brow and pronounced trachea I really need to address. I received an estimate from Leis for the brow reduction, lift, scalp advancement, rhinoplasty, lip lift and tracheal shave. I am getting an estimate from Dr. Rumer for the same, but she suggested fat injections in the cheeks. I am waiting to receive an estimate from her via email. I was really excited about it, because I feel like I am taking the first concrete steps towards my goal of working full-time as a woman. I also talked with James Walker out of Buffalo, NY who does full beard clearances. I have had 4 full face and neck laser treatments and 37 hours of electrolysis over the last 11 - 12 months. But it is not progressing fast enough and I would like to accelerate it. I am hoping to get on his schedule the first week of April. He travels and will be in Harrisburg, then. I will be posting more soon. A lot has happened in my life. Love and Sunshine, Lisa

Way to go, Lisa! Good to hear from you, too.

Well after writing this seems I went a bit past replying to your reply, oh dear, I am such a girl ​Thanks for the gracious compliments Veronica. Something your reply made me think of is how I presented myself in the conversations, was not overbearing or too quite but instead blended into their conversations. In my old identity I could easily dominate a conversation but as time travels I have been adapting as you will to the more feminine ways. I am sliding into a place where men feel very comfortable around me which brings me back to the attractive thing, I truly become overwhelmed at the attention received like last night or at the Miata club or out with friends at a bar. When leaving last night I did feel overwhelmed, in a manner of speaking my breath was taken away driving home. What really is hard to accept is that one of the men (very handsome) eluded that he wanted to perhaps get to know me for possibly a LTR. Perhaps years ago that might had been a consideration but over the past three years or so I have gotten use to my freedom. This freedom is one price I paid to transition. Transitioning from what I have read goes smoother for a single person who does not get heavily involve in a relationship yet I am sure there are those who do just fine but I felt better being single. Looking back now, for me the physical transformation is not enough to then go out and be in public such as this club but instead one must spend real time 24-7 to get into the new identity. Good to hear you got the coy thing, it's something that did not happen overnight either but developed per-say naturally out of how our society is and what is expected socially of a female. Thinking back to last night and the president's wife, she said no certain terms nobody suspected me as once being male. I feel the true reason is that time and persistence play a huge part with this which includes things like taken care of myself to what I have learned from voice lessons.

As always a thought provoking entry from you Jay, no-one took much notice of my pieces regarding my transition either, so why did I bother! Well it was because I felt the need to do so at that stage of my transition, in the first 2 months of real life experience, looking back it was probably because it was such a big step, yeah, RLE is a massive step to take. So it felt to me like I was justifying my transition.................. Seems to me like you've pretty much just come through a similar thing? Glad you've gotten rid of your writers block, and if you want? - I'd love to read your Trans articles, I'm curious to see if there are any differences and similarities of thought between F to M and M to F. Cheers Eve

It took me 12 photos to get lower than an 86% masculine face, and the oldest it would age me was 20. I'm 44. LOL Apparently I have a very boy face and was unaware of it all my life! Nikki is laughing so hard at me. I was traumatized when it aged one recent photo of me at SIX years old!

So...stormed outta the house yesterday. Was trying to talk to Nikki about realizing that even when he is the catalyst, he is not actually MY FEELINGS. And that every feeling and confusion I have, even if they are started by something about him, is actually NOT ABOUT HIM, and talking over me as loud as he possibly could that it was made me leave. I went to the park and froze my ass off sitting in a place i used to spend time with Grandpa really missing him. Then I went to work, and Nikki sent me an apology. He's good with that, taking responsibility when he does things that hurt me. And talking over me and making everything about him like my dad does was was ugly. So we went to get our calzones...and that place was packed. I'm talking there wasn't even standing room to wait for a table, so I suggested going further up to the next city and getting Boston Market Chicken since we both love it and don't have one in our city, healthier than the calzones anyway and very very tasty. (But next Friday I'm getting my dang calzone, will try to time arriving a bit later in the day). The only other thing that Nikki likes in the town we were in is one of those drive up burger stands without an indoors that I actually HATE the food at. If I'm going to blow my diet to have a date with him in dress, I wanted to at least like the taste of the food. I'm selfish that way. So the food was awesome, date afternoon was as much fun as it always was, and there was a stop at the pet store to peer at the animals. I barely managed to hang onto my sanity in the pet store, came REALLY close to walking outta there with this huge gorgeous five year old girl that looks just like my boy cat only had white paws whose human had passed away. But four cats would be ridiculous, especially with the female needing extra care now. And we travel twice a year, and I don't want to overwhelm my pet caretakers. The glow in the dark fish were tempting too. Seriously, black light glow in the dark fish. SUPER COOL! I did get a piece of driftwood to add to the dragon's cage. We have a female bearded dragon I gave Nikki a few years ago for Christmas after my turtle passed and we had space, he'd been wanting one for ages. And I'm good with reptiles if they have legs. I spend a lot of time playing with her actually, she's a very mellow dragon that likes to ride around the house on our shirts. I am SO tired. Spent all night going to the bathroom, must love blood pressure medication. *Headdesk* And I can't find my digital camera. I just saw it a few weeks ago when of course I didn't want it. Sometimes I think the inanimate objects ARE alive, and out to mess with us. But Nikki is talking another zoo trip, the one we took for my birthday was slightly disappointing as the aquarium with the new seaturtle they got was closed! Tragedy! Actually we're talking about going once a month because it's good exercise and makes our membership a great value. And I want better pictures of the seaturtle than I can do with my digital camera, and Nikki was talking about wanting me to photograph him. Maybe I can take him out to the Black Swamp, some really nice vegetation and backdrops out there that would be fun to work with. There is a tiny nature preserve of the swamp about 20 minutes from there that used to reign over the whole area. You can even see turtles through the wildlife blinds on a good day, and once I saw a fox, some beavers, possums, racoons, and a variety of birds. Really nice place I forget to go to often. We actully have a variety of nature preserve type parks here that we go walking at on occasion, but unfortunately a lot of them don't have bathrooms of any kind, which can get awkward for me at least. Despite camping since childhood I never mastered the outdoors squat exercise. Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend, it warmed back up to sixty here. Yesterday was stupid cold here! I asked Nikki what our target date for the pool was, I was thinking mid may, he said potentially next month depending on the ongoing weather patterns. That would be awesome!

Hello again, my Lords, Ladies and Majesties. Up front I want to apologize for my outburst and dramatic exit. Stress has been neck deep over here and I unfortunately dove head first into the fritz so bad that Ms. Frizzle would surely kick my not-so-royal behind. I took a break and tried to collect myself again, but I cant promise that I'm back up to par. I still have a LOT going on over here but I'll do my best. Please forgive me if I mess up on my swearing and stuff again, but yes, I did read the rules and whatnot. Thanks for letting me know about those, I hadnt seen it posted and totally missed out on it. I'm trying to think of new, inventive ways to get out my annoyance with words much more innocent (and maybe amusing). I have a bad habit of swearing, I'll admit it fully. I put full blame on that with how I grew up Vermonters swear WAY more than we need to Anyway, I guess everyone wants an update (sorry if I start sounding like alex, he's on the edge of consciousness to let me know when I'm swearing again and sometimes his influence tips into my writing >.< ) So my little brother has been dragged to the depths of Georgia and every day he messages me it still irks me to no end. Not because he's messaging me! No way, I love him messaging me. It lets me know that he's okay at least. No he messages about all the shinanigans my older (and much less intelligent) sister is up to, normally barraging poor Kai with insults and criticism about being transgender and having his absolute own fashion sense (he seriously does lol kids today ) It annoys me so bad that she treats him like that and there's nothing I can do about it. I legit cannot even explain how much it annoys me without going back into my swearing fest (which I'm avoiding ) Otherwise he's alright. I plan to send him a phone card for his no-contract phone, some t-shirts (since my dead beat mother doesnt buy the poor kid clothes ) and some other random stuff so he doesnt get too sad down there. My mom is beyond ridiculous. Poor Kai, when he was visiting, came into my room all pouty and said he had to wear his boots when we were going out to lunch. When I asked why, he said it was because his shoes had finally broke. His converses, over two years old, full of holes and tears had finally decided to quit on the poor kid. You'd think, being a mom, that the darned woman would have bought her kid new shoes when they first started to break! No, she'd rather buy herself new shirts and new cowgirl boots.....UGH!!! It took me 20 minutes of convincing Kai to let me buy him shoes, giving him the end choice of buying guy shoes with me or dealing with mom buying him girl shoes later. I think it was the only reason he said yes, and it made me feel better knowing that he was being sent to Georgia with new shoes at least. With all that aside (for now more drama is sure to come), this sunday is the 13th. My Surgery Consultation. I'm supposed to meet up with Dr. Robert Feins in Manchester NH, and a lot of people have said he's amazing. I've gone in for a consultation with him before and he is, I'll fully admit, awesome. He's super friendly and if you guys remember my blog about my first consultation with him, he's extremely thoughtful when it comes to pronouns and whatever. So I'm kind of glad to go back to him in particular, but I'm also really nervous. I have a new insurance this time, and one that someone else said had approved them for top surgery. I know that I cannot do a full removal (bummer, believe me, but I totally understand the reasons) because of my weight. Reason being that if they went totally flat chested when I have kind of a belly on me, it just would not look natural. My plan is to have them go as small as they will let me, and then I'll be able to work out easier and work it off. If I have to go back in a few years to finish it, so be it. But I'm nervous because what if my new insurance is like the last one and says no? What if they tell me I cant do the surgery without hormones, which will surely end my relationship with my boyfriend? I kind of want hormones, but I want to keep my boyfriend even more. I can totally understand HIS side of everything in not wanting me to go on hormones. I mean, come on, give the guy a applause will you? Justin's 10000000000% straight (was homophobic when we first met until I whipped it outta him! ) and he's dating a transguy. He let me change my name, my pronouns, my gender marker---cut my hair, change my style, etc. For a straight guy, that's a lot of leverage! We've been together 6 years this september. I cant just throw that away for a deeper voice, some muscles and facial hair (which I already fight with). So, yeah....Maybe nervous wasnt the right word. Okay, confession. I'm terrified. I dont know how I'll be able to deal with being denied surgery again. I only have 233(?)$ out of 9,000$ needed for surgery if I pay for it myself, on top of us trying to safe $ for an apartment so we can have our own place and so I can rescue Kai out of my mom's abusive household. I'm broke guys, like....legit broke. I have 20$ in my wallet right now and that's for gas money. Spring Break is here which stinks for us people who work in the education section, meaning my 30hr work week is down to 12hrs a week. My paycheck is going to be absolute bologna ((Really hope my substitutes for swears is okay so far. Let me know!!!)). I think in the bank, I have a maximum of 300$, which will be gone by the end of the week because of car payments. I swear, not only can I not keep up, but I cant seem to stay afloat lately either. Granted I got my taxes back, but I didnt even break 1k$!!!!!! It's almost not even worth filing taxes So frustrating!!! I want to get a second job but I cant because then I'd lose my insurance. (I'm the one face first on the ground.) Anyway, That's basically life right now. Chaotic, annoying, frustrating, the works. Oh yeah, then someone told me I need to drink a cabbage/carrot/turnip drink. 0.o Like, what!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!? Oh yeah, and I've been going to the gym whenever I think of it and working out more on the treadmill and stuffles. 5pnds down! Which.....I'd gained from junkfood.....my bad. -Ren P.S. It was a rare 65F here in New England today ((IN MARCH!? WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?! REVEAL YOURSELF, TINY WIZARD!)) So here's some pics of me and my Massive Moose and Fuzzy Friend, (Black Lab/Great Dane) Angel and (Collie?) Ziggy; Both rescues.