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How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out. Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from my balloons of hell. Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either. Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well. Really hoping -Ren Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD

Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on. I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. How do you feel? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. I just want to feel again.

So last night I asked Nikki to reconsider his resistance to antidepressants and talk to Bethany(our doctor) about finding the right one. It has been 20 years since I was on one, and my understanding of the modern choices is that the different kinds aren't just different brands, but work differently on different types of issues. I assume Bethany will know more, she's been concerned about his mental state for a while and wanting him to talk over the options with her. She's not a pill pusher, in fact she swings the other way, let's try to control things first through behavioral adaptation, if not, then lets start with the lowest dosages possible and slowly increase until we reach a workable effect is her approach. I trust her not to zombie him out, but help us choose the right medication to ease him back into his emotions so that his therapist can better help him work with them. The therapist has also been talking about them to him. The more we talked, the more clear he made it to me that he ONLY feels sadness, numbness, anger, or extreme high happy. All the other emotions of life are just gone. This isn't unusual for depression, but it does make it such a hard condition to defeat. I have taken them during my first bout with depression, it was what made me able to deal with the actual issues going on in my head and know what I really actually felt about them because it restored my ability to feel. It took six months and two different prescriptions to find the right one for me, but it was worth it. The frustrating part was i was a minor and my parents kept me on the one that wasn't working for four months, two months after my therapist told them I needed to be switched because there should have been an effect. And I think the depression never had a chance to get as deep into me because I was already in therapy for the add and the Dr. recognized the symptoms of the second disorder sliding in and treated it very quickly with the two prong medication and therapy approach. And taught me how to self treat without the pills once I was recovering. Which is how I pulled myself out of that I feel nothing pit I was in in 2011. I don't think Nikki ever pulled out of it, I think he just quietly slid deeper and can't find his way out. I honestly don't know if I'm surprised or not, but he agreed to do so without much discussion, and most of the discussion about antidepressants was me making sure he understood that I wasn't asking him to take the pills as a cure, that doesn't happen, but as a tool to be able to regain his emotions to help him sort out what is happening to him and cure himself with therapy and healthy living. Still no suicidal issues I can see, but l know what long term lack of emotion does to people. Been to those memorials. He remembers being happy up until around 2011, even when things were hard, remembers emotional ranges and the sheer variety of feelings and thoughts, he just can't touch them anymore. That breaks my heart for him. They aren't something I can find for him. But I can do my level best to make sure he is trying to get better, and has the tools to do so.

Hi all Well, yesterday I had an appointment with my GP. Got there for a routine checkup and mentioned that my right boob is tender too, checked for lumps can't feel anything, but she is now recommending because my boobs are so dense I should go to have them checked out with sonograms. But yeah they always start about 10 days before my cramps start and that just seems normal to me. After that she said, welcome to women problems, boobs feeling sore that time of the month and all the bloatedness that follows. Also need to speak to my mom, but I don't have the energy for that as yet, we might be sitting in a battlefield because of my questions. Want to find out which hospital she sent me to when I was a week or so old, and retrieve that medical information from there. Blood works are all in order and I am happy that my results are good, and won't want to change to much, just to go off the blockers. As it all started me gaining to much fat around my gut after the blockers. Well, physically I'm in good shape, and not doing to much to put myself in harms way, medically. And yes, I need to find a new psychologist again. Will check how this works for me. Let me get a move on, as I need to get to the boot camp and work on my fitness. Well, this is what I'm doing so when it comes time for any surgery, to recover as quick as possible. I will have to look at it in a holistic way. Fitness for recovery and not to become depressed as fast or have so many fallbacks. This is basically all I had on my mind, and would like to encourage everyone to go to their medical assistants, no matter if it's a GP, Endocrinologist, Psychologist, or any other specialist you need to see. Check you all later, and don't be missing me too much. Might have started the war or talking to my mom. Yeah, will then have to enquire from the hospital what they can give me, and if they refuse to send it to me, I'll have my GP request the information. Love and protection Michele

I love you, and we'll get there. I swear you'll find your way back to happy Nikki, it just is going to take some time. *Hugs*

Wanting to regain the things you lost IS the first step. You used to love life so much, it was infectious to everyone around you. I would love to see that joy in you again and watch you laugh at our dog being stupid or the squirrel winning the backyard war.

I do think that's a big reason why it's hard to describe my feelings on things a lot of the times is there just haven't been any. I'm just kind of cruising through all of this and know I should feel it, but just do't and have been kind of on cruise control with no idea how to switch it off. I am glad you had that talk with me cause the more we talk the more I figure this out with you. I'm kind of awful at working things out in my head, especially since I don't really seem to be able to muddle through. I didn't know you were on them either. I'm sorry your parents were such slugs about getting you off the wrong and trying another one though. That had to be tough. Definitely going to talk to my doctor about it and see what she thinks as far as what to try. I guess wanting to feel again is a good step at least and better than just shrugging it off. I want to be the smiling Nikki that use to hang around you. *hugs*

Good evening, again haha I just wanted to bring up a fabulous show I've found on youtube called 'Her Story' about a transgender woman and a lesbian ciswoman, the fights, struggles and transphobia that dear Violet endures; like most transwomen do. Please take a moment to watch but please be aware of trigger warnings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkHicPm7C6Q Alex

Hi Alex, Thanks for your post. I watched all of Her Story too and really enjoyed it! Hugs, Emma P.S. Please send my love to Ren. I miss him too.

With surgery like this is bound to be some degree of discomfort but I always view this as "Pain is transitory" and well worth the time it takes to recover. In regards to legs, I found it difficult to keep my arms down for breast augmentation and would guess this is similar to what you have gone through. Hopefuly they prescribed decent pain relief meds for you. Best wishes on a speedy recovery!!!

Hi Brigsby, Congratulations on your surgery. I am sure everyine here feels the same! Hugs, Emma

As always a thought provoking entry from you Jay, no-one took much notice of my pieces regarding my transition either, so why did I bother! Well it was because I felt the need to do so at that stage of my transition, in the first 2 months of real life experience, looking back it was probably because it was such a big step, yeah, RLE is a massive step to take. So it felt to me like I was justifying my transition.................. Seems to me like you've pretty much just come through a similar thing? Glad you've gotten rid of your writers block, and if you want? - I'd love to read your Trans articles, I'm curious to see if there are any differences and similarities of thought between F to M and M to F. Cheers Eve

That looks painful. Recover super fast. Hugs Michele

I want to put triple antibiotic ointment cream on you! I really wanted to put it on my incision too, but was told to leave it strictly alone. I think I have a weird obsession with the ointment. I hope you heal quickly and are feeling top notch very soon, and love your new body! *hugs*