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"My Love, My Life" were the words I had inscribed inside my wife's wedding band. I really meant it. She was and is everything to me. I love her so much. A few weeks ago, my wife told me she did not want to be with me anymore. She explained that she is not a lesbian. That she tried, but needs to be with a man and wants to start dating. I knew that she was struggling with my transition and our relationship. Many times in the past, she has said that if I transition, that she would not stay with me. Last year she had a change of heart, yet our relationship has changed. We are still loving with each other. She is my best friend. Yet she is not attracted to be anymore. We haven't had sex in 2.5 years. There are a lot of couples that stop having sex. But obviously this was something my wife needs. She started to cry. I felt so bad for her. I was so sweet with her, I hugged her and told her that it was okay. I told her that I loved her, totally understood why she felt that way and supported her. That she was brave for saying what she said and that I am proud of her. I smiled and showed her so much love, the kind of unconditional love that I promised to give her when I married her. She is really an awesome person and woman. I am so fortunate to have had her in my life and shared so much of my life with her (the last 18 years). I've told her many times, that our marriage was "it" for me. I never want to be married to anyone else. But, there are no guarantees in life. She needs more than what I have to give. And honestly, we have grown apart. I am not the best and smartest spouse in the world. But I am the most kind and loving that she will ever meet. That does count for a lot and is very important. But that is not enough in our marriage. My attraction to her is still really strong and I told her that, not to make her feel bad but to let her know that I still find her desirable. Last week, she suggested that I start dating guys. I have never been with or dated a man before. Mostly because I have not been physically attracted to guys and much more attracted to females, my wife specifically. It was a strange conversation. I don't know where it was coming from. Honestly, these next two or three months, I have a lot of things I am trying to tackle and dating is not in my forethought. But realistically, that is what I face in my future. Finding someone else who wants to share their life with me. Being a transwoman, this may be a difficult task. But I am not stressed out about it, because I have a lot of really awesome new friends that I can rely on who are very special and dear to me. I am very thankful for them and everyone who has stuck by me through all of this, especially my wonderful wife who I love and respect dearly. It is so important to find love and happiness in life. I hope that all of us find what we seek. Love and Blessings to All on this Special Day!! --Lisa

Hi all The question always comes up, never mind if you thought you've got control over ever part of your life, there is always something out of sink... I guess it's natures or life's way of saying that you have a lot to learn girl, just deal with it or parish in your self loathing pity party. The first one I would like to address is... Why did I have to be trans and not cis??? Well, I don't know the answer to that, but it's what my heart, head and well every single part of my body dictates for me. And if I have to look at it, probably because of the strength I've got on the inside. Because I wouldn't and couldn't have been so vocal about what I feel if I never experienced any struggles in my life. Yes it was easy for me to know who and what I am today and when I was a child, but that doesn't mean I had it easy either. My mom with her gang (the two siblings in the middle a brother and sister) that tormented and bullied to get what they want, and me ignoring them for the greater part of my life. Yes they definitely wanted a CIS sibling that was muscular and a manly man. Sis on them, but that is probably why I discontinued any sorts of relationships with them for the greater part of my life, and live by a total different set of rules. And the thing is, I went to a church service a few days ago. Probably because my wiccan ass needed to find spiritual enlightenment and to find an answer to why I hated myself so or the mood I was in at the time. Yes, I needed to find out why I was still kicking myself for something. I found the answer somehow unbeknown to me, and I learned that the most important part of me currently is running on hatred towards myself for allowing what I couldn't stopstop an attack where a car was used.. Yes your hardest criteria are for yourself and no one will take that spot you've been trying to make even if you know, the world dealt you cards and incidentsincidents to either build you stronger, or destroy you because you lost the will to continue the fight. The second part is... Will I ever trust anothers heart with myself??? Well as I am growing older, I'm not certain that love is for everyone and that I am destined to be a singleton. But yes, I am a romantic at heart and think that everyone has a heart out there that completes them. Yes, I know this to be true, but my trusting issues are holding me back to going out there to do just that. But that same thing that is known is also the thing in life that puts fear or a bad taste in your mouth. Then the fact that you are trans and should also find love in life, but let's get it clear that we would love to find that one person that doesn't matter if you are trans or cis and would love and respect you for the pure fact that their is that bond of love between you, that connection that keeps you wanting that person, because you are safe in that relationship. But will I allow this for me, I don't know and currently think that I won't just because of who I am and what I've been through. Third thing I want to address is... Why does your love of things and way you are dictate to people who you are? Is it subjective or objective??? Well I am a trans female and if we look at the way I walk, talk, act and move, you'll see a female moving about and then my love for eating, shooting, cars, firearms, swords, knives (let's just say weapons and get it over with), fighting styles and kicking some guys ass for messing with me. And yes, I know I can't win every fight, but I sure as hell have won all my fights psychologically even though my butt was kicked by that person. Well subjectively and objectively I still don't know if love is meant for me. Seeing that I said more then enough and left some questions partly answered, I'll say. Be safe in the knowledge that we are loved and need to know who we are and accept what life has in store for you. Hugs and kisses Michele

So today was definitely a down day for me. Got to work which has been the biggest source of depressive feelings and situations lately and realized I hadn't heard about our monthly birthday celebrations and since mine was coming up I should have been in this month's. I looked it up and it was 2 weeks ago. I was at work when they were doing it. The organizer, the manager who runs it, and my boss included couldn't be bothered to tell me, get a hold of me, e-mail me about it, whatever. So I was initially mad that I missed out on pizza and ice cream cake and a shot at a day off with pay. That started dragging my mood down. Then I started ruminating on the fact that no one could be bothered to get a hold of me for this. In years past they've paged people, got a hold of supervisors, etc while it's going on to get them in for the free food and a host at the day off. This year, nothing. They have a list of everyone who's supposed to be there and they check that damn thing religiously every year and yet I'm forgotten again because they don't need me to fix something or look to blame me for something I had nothing to do with. So then I started spiraling even more. Now, my rational brain is attempting at this point to tell my emotional brain to take a chill pill that this can be fixed by getting in on the next month's meeting, hopefully, and I'll still be getting a shot at an extra day off and the free food. My emotional brain basically flipped my rational brain the bird and decided to not only wallow in it, but to start making me feel like I'm worthless and forgettable which made me angry because of all the things I'm trying to feel that isn't one of them, so then that amped up the others. It was a nasty, nasty morning. Bree was my bright light in all of this. We talked on teh phone, she messaged me all day and when she got home she gave me a big hug and we went out for comfort food and screw the diet. Being around her quieted a lot of that garbage my emotional brain was feeding me and I was able to reign it in and enjoy being with her and while I wanted to throw on my boobs and bra when I got home, I waited for her because I knew ultimately she was what I really wanted right then and I had an inkling we'd end up going out. Bree makes it all better. I wish everyone had someone like Bree.

Veronica, thank you for those kind words and your support. I don't want anyone to cry, though. :-) I have never loved someone so much that I am willing to let her go and be happy. At times it is upsetting and heartbreaking for me because she has been everything to me. At the same time, I have grown being married to her and in my walk with the Lord. Love is and should be unconditional. Otherwise it is not really love. And I love her unconditionally. I really do hope she finds a wonderful guy. And I am hopeful that my children handle it well. Both my transition and the new guy. Whomever that is or will be.

I think your last sentence sums it all nicely for all of us, trans or not. Emma

good luck!

I have posted entries before regarding things that I did't see coming, added comments to others entries about hormones and consequently thinking differently. I have read (somewhere on the web) about the indigenous peoples of North America accepting trans people as twice blessed, and other cultures around the world having similar attitudes. It strikes me as strange that some of the religions around today, seem to have leading lights that refuse to accept trans people, and also villify us. Perhaps I should have titled this entry "beware people bearing crosses", ..............anyway I've digressed. It seems to me that the North American indigenous population were quite right, I am now starting to realise that I have gained extra knowledge, that if I hadn't transitioned, I otherwise wouldn't possess, ok, of course you would, so what did I expect, I hear you thinking. Well I never really gave much thought, in as much as it never occurred to me, how females would be mentally and subtly so different from males, sometimes massively so, other times only nuances of difference. Of course not all cis females think the same, nor do cis males, nor for that matter do all trans people think the same, but they have all had their eyes opened if they have been exposed to the hormones missing from their birth gender, for long enough. However, unlike the cis population I now understand more than one gender alone, - if I ever was one gender in the first place? Anyway I don't want to digress again. It seems to me that trans people are in a much better position to understand the actions of either gender (sorry to be so binary however it's only the begining of my realisation - hopefully more will follow), and consequently would make excellent counsellors, and anybody who in fact has to make judgements, or offer advice. No wonder there is so much advice on the web for trans people. Perhaps I'm really talking about "insight", you know feminine or male insight, well perhaps now we might be starting to have the term trans insight? Cheers, Eve

Veronica, I had no idea about your ancestry, how fabulous to have that extra wisdom passed on to you, added to your knowledge of the "western world" - for want of a better term. So, similar to my posting, very few people will have that extra knowledge, I guess the trick is to use it in a modern day setting, with modern language so that all the "ignorant" (I use the term ignorant without any malice) people out there can start to understand it? Karen, thanks for your comment, nice of you to say so, as you've probably guessed my post was an extension of thought from your recent posting & my earlier posts. We learn in small steps at a time, but we don't individually have to climb every step, others can climb some of the steps for us, I think this is called teamwork or collaboration or something similar........... Cheers both, Eve

This is by far one of the best entries I have read on this site, thank you for sharing and vindicating what I believe to be true.