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How's it going, everyone? I got bored so I figured I'd jump onto here since I havent blogged in a long time. Things have been...'ok' I guess. I'm still waiting for a response form the insurance company. They'd sent back a paper saying they needed a bunch of more papers to prove that I've been this way for a few years at least. Thankfully I remembered that I had papers copied and sent to me from when I went to therapy in 2014, so I dragged them out and looked them over. Thankfully for me, the therapist had mentioned a lot about my dysphoria and other problems I was having while being transgender; on top of having three diagnosis' on the back. Guess she wasnt useless after all lol Gender Identity Disorder (Transsexualism), Dissociative Disorder and Manic Depression. I made a point to x out some of the depression and self harm stuff and write in 'resolved' so they wouldnt think I'm still suicidal. Last thing I need for the reason of them saying no is because of them thinking I'm suicidal or something because I'm not. Otherwise, I think I sent all the papers that they need. My surgeon's insurance adviser said she's call me when she heard anything, but then I remembered that she said that on Friday. So she might not hear anything for another week since nothing's being done over the weekend, of course. As most, if not all of you know---I'm totally not a patient person. So waiting for a response is killin' me lol So I've been keeping myself busy with a marathon of 'Supernatural' and drooling over the Winchester brothers. Omagerd I love those two...Sam and Dean Winchester. You know 'Dean' was one of the names I considered for myself? Justin really didnt like it lol I mentioned it to him today and he stared at me and said 'eh.....Warren's better'. Not gonna lie, I've been really questioning my choice on name. If Warren was a right choice or not :/ Sometimes I wish I'd gone with something else, but part of that might be because I'm sick of being called Lauren by misgendering dinkle dorks. I'm SOOOOOOOOOO SICK of being called ma'am and miss and her and she. I've asked people to be 10000% honest with me when I ask what it is that makes me look like a girl so I can fix it, and they all say 'you dont look like a girl, idk why they keep doing that'. A big part of me assumes theyre lying to try and make me feel better, but it's not helping if they're lying. I need to know these things so I can do something about it. Granted, my chest is probably a big problem since my binder doesnt do squat to help, but that's a work in progress. My boyfriend said it's only because I dont really have a boyish shape, I'm shaped feminine. I know I could fix that with more working out with my arms and shoulders---but its hard. My chest is heavy and makes breathing hard, plus the sweat is causing rashes And with all the cases popping up of people showing up with cancer from using Johnson&Johnson's baby powder, I'm afraid to use it. I just want them gone...THEN I can get my chest and shoulders more masculine. I really wanna get back into boxing because I know I've got a great punch and it makes me feel good, but I dont know where to even get started. On another note, I'm thinking of getting my concealed to carry permit. Not just because I'm an ace shot and love the idea of having protection when I need it....but because of the sad state of this world right now. Especially with all the violence against trans people. Thankfully my state has been fairly violent-free against the LGBT+ but that's always what you want to think when something actually does happen. I'd rather have it and be prepared. It's something to consider. That aside, I also am attempting to convince my boyfriend to sign up for Motorcycle classes with me. I've wanted to get on a bike since I was a kid, jealous of everyone on a harley and kawasaki. For my 24th birthday, I want my biker's license. I want my Kawasaki.....It's expensive and non-refundable if I fail, but I have to at least try. ESPECIALLY if I get approved for my top surgery. Put me in a t-shirt and leather jacket on the back of a Kawasaki on bike week---you'll have an extremely happy and humble man. Of course, I couldnt enjoy this dream completely unless I had my man on his harley by my side. I know bikes are dangerous and there's nothing but air between me and the pavement, but the heart wants what it wants right? lol And OMAGERD I CANNOT WAIT until I can get back to my favorite spot on the chilly Plum Island Sands...I need ocean time so badly XD Anyway, not much else going on. Here's a pic of me for the week, waiting impatiently. I'll let you guys/girls/uniques know when I hear back from them, either it's life changing good news or horrible horrible devastating news. Off to work again, Ren

Hi everyone Apparently I'm loving these to do or not to do's. But let's just say, they come after experiences I've gone through. This week that passed was no different from others. Seeing that for my last few weeks at work I've been going to the shooting range, with the only difference that I actually got to shoot. So 1 less day of actually working for me, because I'd normally return to work after a long drive. Friday, as per usual. I got up earlier to be at work before 06:00 and get weapons I don't take home, and get a state vehicle to drive. Because of strikes, roadworks, and traffic light that were out and on going, I drove 2 hours to the shooting range that about 40miles away. So pissed off at driving and idiots trying to push me off the road. I passed my shooting on all the weapons I had on me, and needed to pass. No, I was perfectly made up before leaving the house and yes. The shooting range is on an open space looking like a dessert. No shade and sand blowing everywhere. 6 almost 7 hours later and I was full of sand, from my face to my tits and stomach. I left and went to the nearest garage where there is a bathroom to wash my face and remove as much sand as possible. Removed all my make-up and went back to work to drop my none issue firearms. Walked into the office of one of the officers as she was looking for the vehicle I was driving. First she tell me my make-up is still perfect after a long day, and when I revealed I had nothing on, she asked me why I'm wearing make-up if my face is so perfect. Well its to enhance my looks obviously isn't it. At least that is what I was thinking. So now the question comes, if others view your face as perfect without make-up does that mean you should not use any, or that you can use it to enhance your looks??? Well I feel so much more comfortable with make-up on then without it in public. It doesnt mean my confidence is so low I can't do without make-up. It just feels that much more in tune with my body and brain I think, and I'm still comfy as can be. Would I walk without make-up on? Yes, I sometimes do, even though I don't have a twelve o clock shadow. But I wear it at work because that is my norm. Then my question to everyone would be. If you could go a day without make-up, would you??? Okay, you can still wear gloss. But would you? That is the question. Reason I can pull of days without make-up are, I do my face as natural as possible the most of the time, my lower eye lids permanently looks like I have eye liner on, my eye lashes always look like I used mascara, and my cheeks are rosier without make-up. Yes I got natural make-up the day I was born. Ending off. All I have to say is. Make-up doesn't define us as human beings. Being trans we try to blend in as much as possible to cis persons. But why should we as a collective try to blend in with the world's inadequacies, who says we are not the norm, but just because we the minority in today's age, we are the odd one's out. Who says we aren't part of evolutionary development and enhancement to show the world, change is good. Then why should make-up be all that important for us to blend in. Yes I know, the fear of being told you don't belong is great. The fear of being outed that you aren't naturally born as the gender you identify as. I can't guarantee that I will be around to protect you from the hatred, but I am trying to be as visible as I can without endangering my family, friends and acquaintances. As I don't fear what can be done to me. There is also a reason for my twitter, Facebook and Instagram acciunts being set on private, but that is only for promotional purposes as certain of my stances can be interpreted as not in line with being in the police, even though I don't mention political stances, just the human rights side of my stances mentioned at times. I love and leave you, with this to ponder. Why do we have to conform to cisgender rules? Okay, I've always wanted bombs and a vagina, but what if you didn't want to go through all that as I do??? Should you conform to make others comfortable? Should you make yourself uncomfortable so that the rest of the world can accept you unconditionally? Well if the world wants you to change, then nothing you do, say, or go through will ever be enough to be accepted by others. Big hugs Michele

Hi Warren Hoping for the best new for you. Need to find a South African study to get my medical aid to consider the operation. On the plus side, you've got a sweet innocent boyish face, and that's all good. I'm finding the longer I'm on hormones the more men hit on me (my feminine features are getting enhanced, loving it), and for once I was uncomfortable between them while going to shoot. Lack of females or being the only one they hit on could've been the problem. What kind of concealed weapon are you looking at. I prefer pistols because of the mag capacity, but would live to get myself a revolver, something in the lines of a small caliber. But then I remember that it doesn't have the stopping power I desire, so end up thinking about a 38Sp or 357 magnum, but in snub nose (2") form. I also hate that it when I can't control my hammer (double action is best for me, because of my lack of upper body strength). Well, keep on being safe sir. And enjoy the bike when you get it. The feeling of freedom as you ride is unsurpassed, just wished I could still be riding, but medically I don't want to tempt fate and be preemptively paralyzed. Cheers young man. Michele

Monica, Thank you! I have been trying to get my wife to go to counseling or support groups for families and spouses and she has thus far resisted. I think you are right about being drawn to my "feminine energy". It's interesting, but several ex-girlfriends have said that breaking up with me was their biggest regret. I think many love my sensitive side but sexually need a man, so it just doesn't work out.