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Lie Monster Being that most things in my life have gone wrong, I have hated my life for a long time now and I have even more reason to hate it. I live my life in a lie. It is no lie that I love my wife and no lie that I really care. She can never see it nor can I ever show it. It has always been difficult to connect with anyone. I can connect with kids and dogs, but not people. I showed love before, why can’t I do it now”? I feel so distraught in my relationships. Not even I understand, but I think that I’m starting to. I frequently feel depressed, my Dr. claims that I have the worst case of depression that she has even seen, but I don’t see it. I also seem to be oppressed as if something or someone is holding me back. It is imperative to be friendly to have friends, but friends also need to be fed to remain being a friend. Sometimes I can be friendly and on occasion I do make friends but just don’t maintain the relationship. On several occasions I have been told that I have an addictive personality. Sometimes, when I reflect on that statement I realize that it might actually be true. and that I get too wrapped up in myself. I can spend hours on things that I like, frequently think about other people, but rarely follow through with what I’m thinking.. Maybe I am being selfish, but addictive? Not to everything though. My dad is an alcoholic and because of that and out of fear of becoming one too, as a kid, I swore never to pick up that first drink. Many kids say one thing then when they grow up do another, then tell our kids to do as I say not as I do as our elders told us :-) No matter how drunk or how often that I was I never did get addicted to booze. It has been several years since I was drunk. I might accept a drink if offered or I might not. However, with the first cigarette I was addicted for twenty years I wasted money on that worthless… And now it’s the internet and I’ll admit that I postpone things that should be done before I settle in for the night. I don’t practice my religion as much, (my bible is online :-} ). In addition, ( just like I used to believe that TG was a sin) I didn't like poetry, but now here I am just recently discovering that I am a MtF poet and have been neglecting my poetry. As I sit writing this and reflecting on what I have told so far I’m beginning to see that maybe that I am more addictive than I once believed.. I feel so helpless to find myself here day in and day out living in this lie too. It is just too hard. I can’t leave my wife in the state that she is in. I can never bring myself to hurt her, leave her with so much more responsibility. She can barely handle what she does now and her condition is getting worse. I can’t leave her knowing that she can’t hold up financially alone. I can’t leave until I know that she knows how much that I really love her and know that she is taken care of. As much as my body craves and aches to transition. This really hurts, To make her live her life as a lie or to devastate her world with my truth. I am a monster.

Thank you Michael. It's been rough, and now I'm all freaky panicky over her brother, who was the Cat of my Life. He picked me as a kitten, and has always stuck with only me, and I can't imagine him leaving me. Unless he's mad at me for some reason, then he climbs on Nikkii's lap and yowls in this huge production until he's sure I'm looking to see him purring in someone else's lap as my punishment.

Sorry to hear about your cat, Briannah. Ya know... sometimes I think losing a pet is worse than losing a family member or friend... unless that family member happens to be a child. 'Cause we all know (we pet lovers, that is)... our pets are sorta like our kids. Plus, it's tough when you lose something that is so completely non-judgemental, loves you with all your flaws and imperfections, greets you everyday like you've been gone for a week, and trusts you with their very lives. {{{{ Big hugs }}}} -Michael

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer. I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease. It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight. I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different. I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does. It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can. I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is.

oops!!! This is so crazy I don't know... when I deleted the comment of EmmaSweet I was trying to clear this page and start over. I'll just come out and say that I'm not even thinking of hurting myself and if I don't use the cursive font can I still use the purple? I want my blog as friendly as possible. ​ ​

Emma, So glad things are going well, and love the dress 😀 #PinkItUp I have a "life is good" t-shirt (pink), it only occurred to me after I bought it what I had bought! Before my "coming out" i would never have bought something with such an affirmative thought. And indeed, life is good 👯 Xoxo Chrissy

Emma, It is good to see that things are going well for you. Life is good, even though at times the experience of coming to terms with our gender and transition are daunting and unsatisfying at times. Life is good when we don't put pressure on ourselves to either conform or to transition. It's wonderful that you are getting out, meeting new friends. Support of a good friend or set of friends is so important. Please feel free to contact me at anytime. --Lisa