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Ireland lost. It's raining - again. It's the middle of summer here... "Summer" is a relative term. It means it isn't freezing cold but it doesn't mean we necessarily see the sun. I haven't seen any blue sky for around a week. But I received a reply from the online doc who told me that they "don't have any reservations about proceeding". It seems I might have passed their assessment process - or at least, I passed that part and I'm moving on to the next part of the process, whatever that is. So I didn't blow it completely, with my questionnaire responses and with the content of the conversation I had with the 'assessment counsellor'. I think that means I might be allowed to think that the doc is going to write me a prescription at some point. In my dreams, I've always been male. I don't often remember my dreams - not unless I'm woken up in the middle of one - but when I do remember them, my image of myself is how it should be. I remember telling a friend about that when I was a kid and they laughed at me and thought it was weird that someone with a girl's body saw themselves as a boy when they were asleep. Apparently, that wasn't 'normal'. Most people didn't dream like that, it seemed. When I got laughed at, I decided to keep that little nugget of information to myself for many years. This morning, I was woken from a dream when our dog barked. At the point in the dream where I left it, I was looking in the mirror. And I had a very nice beard. Too eager? Most definitely.

Hi I'm going to be a good boy today and I'm not going to complain (much). Feeling fairly upbeat, actually - certainly compared to the last time I visited the site. Since I last wrote, my questionnaire responses were passed to an assessment counsellor, and she emailed me to arrange an appointment to talk. We spoke on the phone a few days ago. The worst part was that she covered ground that had already been covered in the questionnaire, in that she asked similar questions that touched on the same subjects, and while I kept my calm and provided the responses in a polite manner, I was still thinking to myself, "Why do you want to know intimate details about my sex life?" and, "Didn't you read the questionnaire?" She asked me what kind of lower surgery I want and I could feel myself getting exasperated (because my answer was on the questionnaire) so I had to take a few breaths before I responded. I don't even have a hormone prescription. At this point in time, surgery of any kind is quite possibly years away, judging by the pace of things in Gender Services. Can't they just give me the T before we get to that kind of discussion? I didn't say that out loud, of course. Anyhow, I managed to get through the interrogation without messing up too much, I think, because the next day, the online GP emailed to ask if I was ok after the conversation, and ask whether I needed any more 'counselling'. I hadn't felt as if I'd had any 'counselling' though. If I'm totally honest, I feel that the conversation with the so-called assessment counsellor was a waste of her time because we basically rehashed the questionnaire. But what do I know? Maybe she was reading between the lines, or monitoring stress levels in my voice, or drawing conclusions from the pauses in my answers to the questions. Or maybe she was checking that I was giving the same answers as I'd already provided. I haven't a clue. It's part of the process, I realise that. And I have to play the game. The truth is, I don't need any counselling from her. I have a very nice counsellor already. I've been seeing him on a weekly basis for a couple of months. He's great. And I can continue to see him for as long as I want. He has boosted my confidence and reassured me about many things. I always feel better after I've had a session with him. And I had a session with him yesterday. I know I said, a while back, that I didn't want to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, but I think I was being stubborn back then. I can recommend it now. Even though, when I first visited him, I didn't think it was going to be a useful exercise, I can say now that it has been. So, I still don't know whether I'm going to get a T prescription from this online doc anytime soon, but do you know what? I've survived this long without one, so I have decided I can survive as long as it takes. And if I have to wait another two years, I'll wait another two years. Gotta go now. The football is starting soon. I'm sitting here, resplendent in my Republic of Ireland jersey, waiting for kickoff. Come on, Ireland!

Hi Jay, having just read your blog and being a counsellor among other thIngs, that wasn't counselling. It sounds like your own counsellor is good. This other person is just fact finding and ticking boxes. No doubt it has to be done I'm sure but very tedious. Sadly the title of counsellor is used in many ways. Here in France even our "bank tellers" are called counsellors. Perhaps there is a hidden meaning somewhere! Unfortunately we are not in the driving seat and so sometimes we have to be patient and even crafty. Just play the game to your advantage and well done so far. Big hugs too. Chantel

Go Ireland! Go Jay! Good to hear from you. I'm sure it's exasperating to have to jump through all these hoops. Thank goodness that you're making the progress that you are. I hope you'll continue to let us know how you're doing. And, who won the football game? :-) Emma

Great news Jay. Not about the footy but about your script. Talking of the weather I am in France and the cold wet weather has put things back by a few weeks. Anyways hopefully you can start your transition soon. Hopefully you don't get fed up of shaving. :-#

Just an update I haven't been on here much. I have been really busy, active. Making steady progress. But I had something that happened to me last night which stopped me cold. I had a guy who I was friends with, who I have chatted with for months, just dump me and cut me out of his life. Being trans*, I have experienced a lot of this over many years. But recently, things had been going really well. So this blindsided me a bit. Anyways, I cried today. I will be okay. It will take some time to get over this. This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. I've experienced tons of rejection. And honestly, I am used to it. Even though things have gotten so much better in the last 5 years or so regarding others accepting me, particularly these last few weeks (which is awesome), it still just wears me down. Makes me tired. For some reason, I don't know why, it makes me either work harder or just back away from things. I don't allow others to validate me a person or a woman. But it still hurts when it happens, especially when we develop relationships with others and they for whatever reason back away. I hope that everyone has an awesome day today. --Lisa

Hi Lisa, It's very nice to hear from you although I wish it was under better circumstances. That is so surprising that he'd just up and leave you like that, no explanation, no talk, just go. But good for you how you are handling it so well. Crying helps and is good for you. We all feel it when we are vulnerable and then rejected. And it hurts so much that sometimes it feels like it would be better to just seal ourselves off, protect ourselves. I think that is part of grieving and that's okay too for a while. I have a friend who is a folk singer, she says that at these times we need a cup of tea and a nap. That helps me sometimes although it's not perfect. Regardless we are always here for you. Warm hugs, Emma

Hiya Lisa Darling. I feel for You Sweetheart. Darling Girl, You are Not the only one to Cry. I was Physically Attacked by My Wife, and My Middle Son, 2 Week's ago, Today. ( They tried to crush Me between The Front-Door; and The Front-Door-Frame. The Police were called by a Neighbour ! ). I cried when I was talking to the Police. ( This is the 4th. time that the Police have been called, because I have been under attack ). Lisa, to be Rejected, is Not nice. Lisa, You are so Lovely, Young Lady, and being Transsexual Myself, I have found that It Is harder to withstand rejection. I Am lucky though, I have made a lot of Friend's, since " Coming-Out ", as Transsexual, and All the New Friend's that I have made, are sticking by me. Lisa, You Young Lady,are Very Popular, here at TGGuide, and You have made a lot of Friend's here. Lisa, Keep Your Chin-Up, and Your Pretty Head held high. ( If that Person has rejected You, He is obviously Not worth Knowing. You are worth so much more than Him !! ). Lisa, I will Not ever judge You, but, I Am here for You, if You need Me. ( If You ever want to chat Honey, then Please Private Message Me, Young Lady ). Lisa, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx