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I've been wrestling with myself about posting this today. I don't think I'm one to blow my own horn (much) but yesterday I accomplished something I've been working toward for the last few weeks. I rode my bicycle over 100 miles, from Redwood City to Cupertino, back and forth, and finally returning home almost 8 hours later. Total riding time was just over 7 hours and the difference is due to stop lights and a couple of times when I stopped to open up my little pouch to munch on a piece of Clif Bar. The last two Saturdays I've tried to reach 100, but each time just could not go farther than about 75 miles. It was like I hit a wall and if I went further I was afraid I might just pass out. I do carry four bottles of water (mixed with electrolytes) and a couple of Shot Blok packages, but I got nauseous and had to head home. Yesterday as I passed 75 miles I was definitely moving slower. I started arguing with myself: go ahead and head home, at least I'd be more than 90 miles this time! But it finally came to me, to achieve more than 90% and then give up for the last 10%? No way. And, truth be told, I don't want to do this every weekend. Too many hours. I have other things to do too, and now, next weekend, I can take a "short 50 mile" ride and feel okay about it! Why do I write about it here? I don't often consider myself as having much grit and determination. I am intimidated all the time by stuff that others just don't understand. Stupid things like trying to diagnose why my wife's computer is no longer receiving emails into her business account. Now, I know how to do this sort of thing. But I feel an anxiousness when I don't know how it will end up and can't control the outcome. So maybe that's where I'm coming from. I certainly didn't know how it would all play out when I told my wife I am transgender two years ago. At first she was devastated, assuming that our marriage was over, that the one she loved so much had betrayed her trust, and that I was destined to transition. God, that was scary and emotionally wrenching. It took a lot of work in and out of therapy, more confessions from me, and finally starting to take an SSRI that seems to be really working, for once. All my life I've had emotional issues, and have spent countless hours with a variety of therapists for the last 35 years. I kept expecting that he/she/me would discover the "one thing" that was going on for me, we'd address it, and... problem solved! It sure didn't turn out that way. Part of my problem was that I was unable to disclose my transgender feelings to them or myself. But even when I started to do so with my present therapist, three years ago, the improvement in my well-being has been so subtle and gradual, at times unnoticeable. But as I contemplate how things are going these days it's undeniable that I have made progress. I don't know what "done" is, nor do I expect it. I still have my anxieties. I did yesterday morning as I considered getting up and, once again, trying to make it to 100 miles. But I did it! You can too. Love and hugs, Emma

Congratulations on this accomplishment, Emma!

As I often do on Sunday mornings over coffee I read The New York Times and this morning was no different. I ran out of things that interested me so did a search on "transgender" and found the following article about Barry Winchell's murder while in the US Army, who was in a serious relationship with Calpernia Addams, a transexual woman. I came close to crying in the neighborhood coffee shop as I was so taken by the depth of feelings that came up: An Inconvenient Woman I then checked Huffington Post's TRANSGENDER page which often has interesting articles and, thankfully, found one that was so delightful, about an 11 year old gay boy's first day at middle school, how he met and befriended an 11 year old transgender girl, and his wonderful mother: When My Son Met Another Out LGBTQ Kid On The First Day Of Middle School Okay, great, feeling better! At least until I read another one on Huff Post: Surviving The Waves Of History: Bathroom Bills Can Be Deadly which is about a transman's suicide over the weight that he could bear no longer from those who deny transgender people's validity and rights. He just missed Attorney General Loretta Lynch's speech where she said: "Let me also speak directly to the transgender community itself. Some of you have lived freely for decades. Others of you are still wondering how you can possibly live the lives you were born to lead. But no matter how isolated or scared you may feel today, the Department of Justice and the entire Obama Administration wants you to know that we see you; we stand with you; and we will do everything we can to protect you going forward. Please know that history is on your side. This country was founded on a promise of equal rights for all, and we have always managed to move closer to that promise, little by little, one day at a time. It may not be easy — but we’ll get there together.” We will, my friends, get there together. What a Sunday morning it's been. Here's wishing you a beautiful day. Go hug someone. Emma

You got it, it's a giant plush turtle Nikki got me after the plush bear wore out. I have this stupid sleep disorder, and the cozy comfortable cuddle object convinces my mind I'm not going to be murdered in my sleep and I can relax and drift off. Brains are such funny things. But he's soft, cuddly, and awesome and when Nikki gets up in the morning he makes sure I have my turtle becuase he's probably fallen out of bed during the night. In the fall we like to hang out on the couch under the soft blankets with the dog and watch movies all cozied up, it's awesome! It's the only blanket time the dog gets, she's not allowed near the bed because she eats the bedding. X_X We got these new, giant, super plush beach towels too, and that feeling wrapping up in one just after getting out of the pool is amazing. People are always looking for the 'big dramatic moments' but it's the little ones that have a lasting, every day effect in my opinion.

Just want to let you know I am still here and with you. Yes I started wearing clear nail varnish and mascara first and no one really said anything. I was already wearing girl jeans and underwear. After a while I thought ok and started wearing a little pink lipstick and light brown polish on my toes and stii.no one said anything. Some people just stared a bit longer working out whatever but I have had no big issues out and about. Friends and family however. Some needed time and some still feel uncomfortable. I was told some really negative stuff but it seemed to be more about them than me, not about how I felt or looked but it did make me feel that I was fooling myself and perhaps I should go back. I am pleased I haven't and I now feel a lot more comfortable. I don't ever want to go back. So to you Emma and all my friends, go girls and live your truth. XXX