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I'm so glad your getting the full benefit! And your initial thought,t hat counseling is something to prove to others, isn't unusual. Sadly our world stigmatizes counseling and belittles its' value. I was 17 when my father decided I was crazy and forced me into a therapist, and I was really resistant to it, since my mother had done the same when I was 11. When I was 11, that therapist wasn't very good, she reported EVERYTHING to my parents, and it backlashed on me bad. So between what I had absorbed of culture and prior experience, poor Dr. H. But then that moment came, when I realized it was about me and learning to cope with my family. that Dr. H's intent was to help me be healthier and find what healthier meant for me, and that I wasn't the one who didn't understand the reality I was living in, that moment was tranformative. It was super emotional for me to read your post about that moment, most people won't share about moments like that in therapy for fear of the stigma, and it's lovely to see someone else doing so. Thank you!

Dear Jay, I hope you don't feel embarrassed but I understand where you're coming from. Nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Just the opposite, in fact, that now because you were brave enough to accept and live with your T being late, that you may have learned something important for you. My sense also is that the RLE is important. Incredibly hard, too, like living in purgatory while also needing to keep a stiff upper lip to society. But maybe it does help encourage patience - which is not a bad thing. And a deeper level of understanding and acceptance, which is a glorious thing. Anyway it's great to hear from you, and I hope you'll keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. Emma

Hi there everyone Know that this have been a while. But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell. Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning. But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts. So LONG STORY I THINK... DATING Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago. But here goes the experience. Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt. But this is how the hunted story starts. Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up. Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him. I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills. Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me. Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing. Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this. Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children. He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough. Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him. And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me. Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me. Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in. Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him. I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me. How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby. Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me. Let him kiss and go on with me. Even let him take me to a club, me at a club. I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag. But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive. I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit. The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following. The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance. That I didn't have to hide anything about me. I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to. I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down. The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits. Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as. Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too. Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience. Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole. And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not. I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me. I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me. I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot. But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life. So that is the dating front. Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing. SERGEANT RANK The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted. I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks. Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014. But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased. HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it. I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages. Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself??? I don't think so. But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good. I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen. I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die. And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper. Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying. I'm enjoying this dating game... Cheers ladies. Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect. Michele

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a few weeks. It was a recommended course of action by the psychiatrist at the GIC and so I signed up. AI couple of weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity in one of our sessions. Yesterday I had another one. I have to give myself more time to grow into myself. Into the 'new' me. I've spent so much time and energy in the past year trying to speed things along, with GPs and the medical profession; trying to prove to others that I need treatment and I need to transition; trying to convince everyone that I am what I say I am, that I haven't given myself time to experience it. To feel it. I am changing - and I have refused to acknowledge or even recognise those changes. I've been so wrapped up in trying to get from A to B that I haven't stopped to admire the scenery or enjoy the ride. So I am slowing down. I'm not going to get anxious about the T not affecting my body as rapidly as I'd hoped. Because, it IS affecting my body. And it's affecting my mind. My personality and my disposition. Last month, my prescription was late. The delivery of the hormone was late. I went five days without it. At first, I was annoyed and anxious. By the time it arrived, I had realised that I was actually calmer and less aggressive than I'd been for a few months. That was a surprise at the time. I hadn't noticed how much it had bumped up my aggressive tendencies until it was gone. I explained to the therapist that I had noticed this about myself. Guess what she said? "That's why the RLE is so important. It's not just about proving you mean what you say to the medical professionals. It's about giving yourself time to experience and understand the changes you're making. To your personality as well as to your body. You're becoming a different person even if you've always thought of yourself as that person." That was a bit of a light bulb moment for me. Sounds silly, but I really hadn't thought in those terms before. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that. I had always thought that I knew who and what I was. I thought the RLE was a step I had to take to prove who I was to others. Now I know it's more important to me to view it as a step to take to learn and accept who I'm becoming.

This was what caused me to transition MTF. I have low T my entire life and it seemed like a no brainer to take the T and masculinize. My Real life experience with T solidified several things for me. You should go slow. I have faith in your decision.