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Several entries back I wrote about helping a male to female, surgery went wrong and ended up being hospitalized for many weeks because of rectovaginal fistula. Last week I saw her, she had a colostomy bag and indicated they would revisit what can be done in February. This week she said there is a possibility of using a colostomy bag either internal or external for the rest of her life. I can't even begin to imagine having the wear a colostomy bag forever because of a botched surgery. My advice for anyone having surgery not out of pocket is to research the surgeons carefully. Her surgeon did 12 assist and four solo, Personally that is not enough for me to undergo the knife and you should think about this too. How often? The main risk of SRS is rectal wall tear resulting in rectovaginal fistula, which is estimated to occur in 1 of 400 vaginoplasties. Taken from

So since Nikki's depression has been seriously lifted due to the combined efforts of therapy and his medication and the life chagnes, I'm making an effort on the holidays this year. I have severely mixed feelings about holidays, so much unpleasantness to others hidden in that cheer, but what the #*&&. Nikki's having a good time and can use some festivity in the middle of winter. And me, being the extremely clumsy thing I am, managed to injure myself several times already trying to get things done. But I did manage to get through the annual 'do these lights work? Is this knot physically able to be undone or has it entered some weird form of light string knot immortality?' without getting the cat tied up with them this year, that's progress. I'm trying to figure out where to put the tree. So I was talking to my mom (when I can't get out of it, I admit) and she said she always thought I would outgrow the bruises and cuts and fails to understand how as an adult I can look like a clumsy three year old. Well, gee, probably because I am clumsy, but mostly because I live with two cats and a dog. 90% of the cuts come from them. And, unlike her, I don't sit on my butt all day, but I get up and do things, which occasionally means bruises and cuts and burns. Bree no longer takes parental criticism well, it's never anything close to normal 'your family cares about you' and now it just triggers a lot of rage. I'm tired of my mom implying I'm an awful daughter when she spent my entire childhood in her bedroom reading harlequin books with no idea where i was most of the time. I had to pester her an hour to get fed, at age 6. Cuz you know, putting the cheap romance formulaic novel down for 10 minutes to heat some frozen food and feed the kid would be a tragedy. So much fun trying to sort out that inner rage and holidays at the same time, but we have managed to get the lights up, work out a menu for xmas dinner, and my deep cleaning project on the house is going rather well, and progress in reducing the amount of weird clutter we have around is going well also. Trying to put together a Christmas list for Nikki, he hates trying to shop for me without one, but I have no idea what i want. Meh. My new dress for vacation this spring is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm going with the aim of blinding at least half the boat with a sliver sequin dress that Nikki found and told me to buy for this. My skin on the underside of my arms is going to despise me, sequins hurt, but I don't care, SPARKLE! Nikki has been slowly replacing my functional ugly clothes with stuff he wants to see me in, and have a great time doing it, and I've only balked at one or two things, mostly on issues of color. I cannot wear yellow, I look like I'm going to die, it does something creepy to my skin when I try to wear yellow. Which sucks, cuz I like it. Nikki shares this trait though, and can't rock the yellow either. I have to redo our hair. I also have to decide if I want to keep the peace with his family and dye my hair some sort of natural color for the cruise or not. Probably not, ,I love my green and if my family can deal, so can his. Today...is a day off. The new Pokemon games come out, so Nikki and I have to catch them all.

I'm so sad for the yellow, so many neat clothes for both Nikki and I in that color...and it goes horribly wrong. LOL It makes us look like we have some form of severe jaundice going on. The dress arrived, and it fits nicely, despite my panic fears because I ordered a size smaller than I usually do becuase I have lost some more weight adn ignoring that voice in my head I followed their size charts after Nikki took measurements. I have an awkward body where my shirt size is different from my pant size, and this can get really tricky with dresses, but I tried it on yesterday and it works beautifully. Although it weights a ton, it's been so long I forgot how much sequins WEIGH when the entire garment is covered in them. Nikki has been teasing me that I loaded it with a lead lining. I think I would fall over if I tried a full length sequin covered gown. I can't imagine how heavy that would be with all that many more.

p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 14.0px Helvetica} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px} p.p3 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica} p.p4 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica; min-height: 14.0px} Road On Recovery Week 1 This week was the first week that i have lived, laughed, cried and gone through my own daily stresses of life, finally seeing the world clearly with ought ANY distortion or warped perceptions from crystal methamphetamine. I am currently writing to you today on day 11 of what i call my 'Road on Recovery' and here to update you of any struggles i have come across, any urges i have had and any obstacles i have overcome or possibly failed... This week started off pretty standard nothing really special. When Monday came rolling in i had finally been sober for a few days now and had gotten over the period of hiding myself away from the world and thriving in self pity. It got to a stage where i had often found a obstacle to try and overcome which for me took a lot of strength and will power to try and tackle. When my relapse finally had kicked off after leaving year 12 i had got to this obstacle of a mindset where i would be in bed for days and life felt like it had nothing to offer me to even consider climbing out of my hibernation of self pity and self loathing. it eventually got so bad that i had this thought every night after midnight had set in, 'So do i go to bed? Do i put on an alarm? Wait..When do i even get up? What do i have the next day that will determine when i need to get up?' This in summary basically meant that i came to the shocking realisation that i had nothing going for me in life. I realised i had left my old school without making any real solid friends to keep myself busy, i had managed to alienate the only one true best friend by becoming over run in a world i had set up for myself filled with deception and false authenticity to myself. Eventually after dipping myself into drugs that eventually became the answer to everything i have just written. I let myself and i do write 'let myself' because at times i did look in the mirror quite knowing what i was doing and continued on to anyways. So every time after a couple days of attempting to obtain from drug taking i would come to the obstacle, just like the one i had come across earlier this week of trying to ignore those overwhelming thoughts and find the will power to drag me over the line and want to try and find things to do during my day that will get me out of my bed and start living rather then injecting meth and making that the easy alternative. I am happy to report to you all, whoever you are reading that i more than dragged myself over that hurdle, i ran towards it and leaped right over. and tho this came up again and again i could always rely on what has become a true light in any darkness and it may sound silly too some but it honestly has become some inch of reason to get up in the morning, and something i became disappointed about if i wouldn't tick of my list of something to do and that was a long run/walk with music pumping. It honestly gives me such power and positive thoughts after i have achieved tackling this. I have continued this by keeping myself busy all week by working on strained relationships and making time for them and making up for a lot of lost time. When Wednesday had dawned i woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (why my cat was the opposite as usual, deciding to sleep the entire day in what I'm sure she thinks is "her" bed and I'm the guest) regardless got up and ticked off my morning run in morang wetlands. Today seemed promising and full of hope. I had made plans to go and see my best friend who was one of those strained relationships in my life i had managed to alienate in that period of when i was in year 12 but lucky enough to have her in my life again but sadly during a difficult time of illness, drug taking and days of going MIA. I believe my best friend who for safety and respect reasons shall leave there name anonymous, could tell that something was up as i was clearly not myself, had not been replying to there texts and frankly not being there at all for this person. I will state this person regardless of just giving me yet another chance to be in there life, still put up with this and still continued to give me the love and support i needed and was there for me if i ever needed to talk or come crumbling down to. So now that i had been sober 7 days as of this day i was excited to finally see her and try and make positive memories and begin to try and mend and make up for all the time i had been away on my relapse. Sadly tho my best friend had something come up for them and had to rain-check and tho i was saddened as i was already up and ready i knew it would be for a proper reasoning and i told myself that they had trusted me and had faith in me so i had to do the same and try and believe the best in them. So with hope and promise for the rest of the day still being in tact regardless decided that instead of this getting me down i would call my father and see if he had time to spend together. I had not seen my father in over many months, often abandoning him in his time of need when going in for hospital emergency stays, surgeries to remove cancer and nearly 80% of his liver. I make no excuses for this as i strongly feel that i let him down as not only as his child but as a support network and feel quite ashamed in myself for what could basically be seen as a slap in the face after all the things he has given up for me, after all the time and effort he has put in for crazy ole me. I wish to take this sentence to donate to him by saying i honestly take my hat of to him for being so young and taking on an entire family and loving us all so powerfully and equally and i look up to him for giving up your youth to do so but without ever complaining or letting this impact us. Though no parent is perfect my father always tried to be the best he could be for his children and always made sure we had clothing on our backs, a roof over our head and food on our plate, so i love you dad! So after ringing up and him answering to my surprise welcomed my invitation of seeing him and did not seem to hold any grudges on my short comings only wanting to be there for me. I am pleased to say that i think we have began rebuilding a relationship and have been in contact often and i myself have tried to include him in my life and all the positive things i can share and i hope i can be there for his too. The day went smoothly, i had a nice salad lunch and we had a nice chin wag and wrapping up the afternoon by watching suicide squad which i loved because the joker and Harley Quinn were just to adorable haha. We concluded our time together by him dropping me off at the station and me commencing my travels to crown casino to see another dear friend of mine which was another yet strained relationship . He was just like my dad with welcoming me back into his life and not holding any grudges, we spent the night having a splendid meal in gold class and watching Nocturnal Animals. The rest of my week was spent basically like the one i have just depicted above, getting up and going for a run, meeting up with friends and taking my nighttime medication at an appropriate time to get up the next morning. Having a routine like this and finding ways and WANTING to find ways to sustain from drug taking and wanting again to find reasons to make these plans more desirable and important then drug taking. I am happy to report that this method has continued to work for me. There was only one big negative emotion i felt during my week and that was on Thursday when i had to take my cat to the vet because of an infection but again i am proud of myself because i handled it by opening this up to my best friend who again was a huge support to me. I saw Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them as well in the cinemas with my best friend on Thursday and have proudly managed to log in a total of 22 KM of run/walk over 4 days. I am going to end this with a tip to those who may be reading who may be going through something similar such as a person abusing elicit drugs and wanting a way to keep them from continuing patterns and that would be find yourself a routine, no matter how small, whatever works for you! mine is making sure i get up at a reasonable hour and commence my day with a run with music that i find inspiring and motivating, often with making healthy meal choices and working on things in my life that i have let slip. Honestly it may not seem it now but the hard work is so worth it and i wish everyone out there on similar journeys the best on there road to recoveries. If you wish to see pictures and more regular updates of my week and the things that i get up to, or even just to show support or say hello these are my social media accounts. I definitely would appreciate it if you could show support by following, liking and sharing this blog post to everyone and anyone especially not only just for myself but so that it can reach more people so hopefully someone on the same journey as me can come across this. Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/BlairJamieTransteen/ Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/blairb98/ Snapchat- blair.hill982 Twitter- https://twitter.com/TheBlair98

Yeah, stick with green hair, and avoid yellow. Rock the sequins, girl!