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Good evening all Yes a retrospective look at what is what... Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand. It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out. So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself. I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man. Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons. And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be. After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter. Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind... And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got. But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person. What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat. Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything. From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse. Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me. And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am. Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is. We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were. So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue. I reached my happy spot. And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact. The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual. And this individual is transgender. Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase. What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through. If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me. Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at. A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself... Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me. Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be. Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes. The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed. Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be. XOXOXOXO Michele

I’ve recently joined a closed group on Facebook where the majority of male to female members will post pictures of themselves and ask if they pass physically. Just about every since member who post and ask if they are passable indeed passable. Having been on this journey would like to offer a small piece of advice which is forget about passing physically and focus on your female voice. When I or any heterosexual male or female encounters a female without thinking “are they really female” expect a softer voice then a male voice. When the female speaks in the same tone as a male that will make the heterosexual male or female wonder or think “is this really a female”. My guess is many male to female transgender or cross dressers realize this already but want to stress that this can not only lead to people wonder about you but also may very well cause them to be embarrass and infuriate them to incite a mindset to cause you physical harm. There is only one method to circumvent this when out in public which is to practice speaking as a cisgender female does. For many it’s not easy, like myself I had to practice, practice, practice. The most difficult part as one gets older is to not only train your voice but also to retrain your brain. Example, as you close to finish speaking your brain says “now I can relax” and attempts to to back to the male voice if for no other reason that it’s easy while speaking in a female tone is hard work especially keeping a conversation going. If you can afford to take voice lessons even for a few sessions this will assist in building a proper foundation for what you need to do later to keep up appearances both with your physical looks and sounds that come out of your mouth. Several times a month I go out with several cross-dressers and transgender groups in my area and I’m the only one, say out of twenty that use a female voice. All of them speak like men and if they didn’t speak the majority would pass one hundred percent as cisgender females. Do they go out in public? Several do yet are known to locals as cross-dressers and never will pass. For the next part a little history. I joined a cross-dresser group who are located 40 miles from me back in 2000. At that time I was not even trying to transition in the public and never made it to any of their events which are several times a week. Another group opened in my immediate area and they have one member who belongs to the other group (40 miles away). The decide to meet here in my town in a gay bar, I thought, great, finally get to meet them. Went to the bar, walk in and there is this thirty something cisgender female with a guy sitting at the bar, she looks at me and says, hi gorgeous, you smell sexy. I said thanks, got my drink and sat down. Five minutes later she come over to my table, sits down next to me and we start chatting. Shortly there after the one cross dresser group walks in, they are all wearing prom dresses (the theme of the evening, not be thou). I wave at them, remember they don’t know me and they stare until I wave them over. I introduced myself and the night was fantastic. Later on the leader said that when I waved and she looked over she thought we were two cisgender females and was dumb founded that I was post-op as my voice passed with no hints of male. Fast forward to last weekend, the leader of that group was suppose to be down by 8:30 but arrived at 7:30 (I've been there since 7). I greeted her and said, thought you would not be here until 8:30? She said, I know you don’t stay late and wanted to talk to you which I thought was cool. Had a great conversation to say the lest. Another member who didn’t know I was trans or post-op was told by another member and was shocked at how well I controlled my voice. Pause: Although my voice is not a 100 percent it’s fully passable. Even to this say I do warm-up exercises because my brain will still fall back into old habits. With that I want those who have decided to read this far to know that it’s not easy (some may disagree but they are the minority), one must be committed to not only appearing as a female but make efforts to speak the part too. Have you heard Autumn? https://autumnasphodel.com/222/transgender-female-voice I feel the same as her in regards to mindset. There are plenty of resources on the web so thre is no excuse not to try. The power of the mind is incredible

I should elaborate more on "out of pocket", one needs to pick a surgeon with a great track record and accommodates patients well. My surgeon was Marci Bowers who does surgery is an excellent hospital. After surgery I spent a week in a hotel where all the staff were well versed with bottom surgery out patients. My hospital stay was great, Marci checked in on my three hours after surgery and also the next day. After five days in the hospital I was released for the weekend and then a visit to Marci for a check-up. Was given the green light and went back to my hotel for another seven days which is recommended. Throughout the time spent in California there were zero complications. One last thing, Marci provides you with her personal cell phone number in case of any issues or questions. I'm now post-op for two years, I did contact her several times and always a quick response. One time thought I had an infection, she asked for a photo, she responded with this is normal, if it does not clear up in several days let her know. The issue cleared up three or four days later. Another time, was having O's several times a day, she referred me to a OBGYN, in the end there was nothing to be done but happy to say many people I've told this too said they wish they had that happen to them. So going back to "out of pocket", one can pick a surgeon that is not a good choice for this surgery and/or have it done out of country with little or no support. Going with support, I had two friends fly in from Oregon to be with me (one from this site) and my brother's girlfriend from 30 years ago so I had support. The person I spoke of had zero dollars and was boxed into one surgeon and did not heed my warnings I had reservations for the surgeon, wish I was wrong but ended up being right.

This scares me. Out of pocket or not. I want the bottom surgery but will probably opt for the top first. I watched some YouTube video with some trans girl having a breakdown because she almost bled to death.

Michele, much of what you wrote is very similar to my situation. I have avoided this issue for long time and lived reckless at times. Fate seem to intervene and put me on new path after accident at work. Now that I can see who I am, it seem like I am coming back stronger. There was many times I wish for death because how I look. I was very confused with men in general. Because I know I am not like them and they don't want to understand. I think it cruel of fate to attract things to me I can't have. I think it cruel to have to disclose this information to male or female because it borders on triggering aggression. I want to just get this done so I don't have to have anymore talks and I can leave this transgender title behind because to me it seem like nasty title. Especially when I read all the nasty things people say and have said to me over the years. It has strong effect on me. Thanks for the update.

Dear Michele, Wonderful post, thank you. Here's a quick excerpt that I agree with so much: "So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue." I think it's all too easy for us to get morbid, to think of alternatives that ease the feelings. The feelings run so deep, don't they? We are a loose community of like-minded people, and we are here for each other. You are a good and valued person, Michele. I feel fortunate to at least know you here on TG Guide. Sincerely, Emma