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Hi everyone, I haven't been able to write for awhile - I started school again in September and that's kept me pretty busy. I'm in the MSW (Masters in Social Work) program at NYU (New York University), which is a full-time program and includes a 21-hour/week internship on top of classes (mine is with a drop-in center for people who are homeless). Anyway, I didn't come on to write about that, but since the semester is over, and internship is over until late January, I have a little time. The big update is that my GRS is happening this coming Tuesday! I leave for Philadelphia on Monday morning, then the surgery is at Hahneman University Hospital with Dr. Kathy Rumer. I'll be staying in Philly for a week and coming back home after my one-week follow-up with her. I've already started pre-surgery prep - including stopping hormones a few weeks ago (that one hurt), and today starting an Arnica protocol (it's to reduce or eliminate bruising from the surgery). Then on Monday I'll be on a clear-liquid diet and have to do some bowel prep (the glamorous side of surgery!). I have to be at the hospital at 10:30 a.m. And luckily this time my insurance company didn't give me a hard time, they approved the procedure (they also eventually agreed to cover top surgery, which they had rejected initially - it's really good that I work/worked in New York where the state requires these things to be covered. Since July I've been seeing my therapist twice a week - she provided one of the letters that I needed, and requested the additional sessions - which I think is great (I'm actually going to miss going twice a week, but I can't afford to keep doing that). So we've talked A LOT about the process - transitioning generally, the surgery specifically, and now the post-transition period. I used to say that I'd probably be transitioning until I die, but lately I've decided (for myself, others may feel otherwise) that GRS essentially marks the end of my transition - at that point I'll have done as much physically as I'm going to. Now I'm in a period of "evolution" - discovering who I am - both as a woman and just generally. It's already begun, and it's been a great process. I find myself moving away from LGBTQ-specific things - not as a rejection of the community, but as an acknowledgement that I'm straight (as a man I was gay, but not now), so I needed to know that I can function in "straight environments." So now that I'm more comfortable with school (I was worried a lot about whether I could really do it - now I feel much more confident), I'm going to try to write more. I bought myself a separate journal to keep notes about GRS - I plan to write that first entry on the train to Philly, and then keep track of what happens, how I feel physically, and how I feel emotionally - I'll try to share some of that here as I go along, in case it's helpful to anyone (recognizing that the experience is going to be different for everyone - but there are still going to be similarities). I also want to write more about my "evolution" - that was something that I (understandably) didn't focus on until more recently. The physical transition is one thing, but as I felt myself living a more authentic existence it also became important to know how I wanted to live my life. The benefits are already huge - I find that the friendships that I had are stronger than ever, and the new people I'm meeting are really good people (mostly social work students) - and none of this would have happened without that recognition a few years ago that I am a woman, and I am transgender. I'll wrap this up for now - I know my attention flags sometimes on longer entries, so I'll stop taxing people's attention span :-) xoxo Chrissy

Best wishes on your upcoming transformation. In regards to GRS marks the end of your transition, from my experience this is just another step in the journey as post-op brings with it for lack of better words more changes that are for the most part fabulous. If you never been to Philly, you might consider getting a cheese steak as they are the best in the world (I lived there for 40 years and know they are great).

Emma, I know I'm late to this conversation - but I wanted to thank you for sharing all of that! It can be pretty overwhelming, and it doesn't help that there isn't really (yet) a scientific way of establishing that someone is transgender. I spent a lot of time going through similar thought processes to what you describe above - looking back at my childhood to look for clues, etc. Then as I started transitioning I just started noticing that it felt right. Ultimately I think it has to be a mix of rational and emotional thought - the rational part is the objective information that we can gather, but there's a limit to that, and that's where emotional thought has to take over. Recently I wrote a letter to my sister (who hasn't been dealing well with this) to try to explain everything that I wish she would have given me a chance to say on the phone - including "how I know this is right for me" - I won't go into the detail, but I lead off with a simple "I know it's right for me because I know it's right for me." :-) I'm not sure where you are with your process at this point - but just keep at it, an answer will eventually come! :-) xoxo Chrissy

Hi Chrissy, I think it's wonderful that you are defining your path now, we are all different and unique so why should any of us approach life the same way. Indeed I know about the clear diet, was thinking you could try cheese steaks the second week post surgery. I was back to my regular eating habits on week two. For week one I was eating solid food four days after surgery but not much of an appetite prior to that. In regards to after surgery the journey is how one changes overall with society and not physical. I've noticed many changes in my mannerism without even trying at this point and that also goes for emotions and slightly different thinking patterns. Thinking about moving more towards cisgender community, that is me at this point the majority of the time but have not disassociated myself completely from the LGBT community either. Where I work I'm seen as a cisgender female, the majority of friends are cisgender. Now with relationships I favor woman and the best place to meet them is in LGBT clubs. During the past year or so I've been very fortunate with dating females while have dated a few men they don't really give me pleasure or feelings like woman do.

Karen, As always thank you for your feedback! I totally agree that the journey is ongoing, I'm just saying that as far as how I'm defining my own journey - my own experience - I no longer consider it transitioning after GRS is done (I realize my body will continue to change - but I won't be making affirmative decisions about making physical changes anymore). I guess for me it's a matter of shifting focus from physical (transitioning) to mental, emotional and spiritual (evolution) (not that evolution hasn't been happening all along of course, it's just a matter of giving it more attention now). I actually grew up with family (my favorite aunt and her family) in the Philly area, but almost never went into the city (just once when I was considering going to Temple University, my uncle worked there and brought me in to look around). Unfortunately when I go down tomorrow I'll be on a "clear diet," I doubt that cheese steaks fit that :-( But I will be staying for a week, perhaps at some point I'll feel up to ordering in :-) xoxo Chrissy

Karen, Congrats on doing that! It sounds like a really good event. I guess I'm not too surprised that people didn't ask questions - I feel like we're still at a point where people know so little about being transgender that they don't even know what questions to ask - or for those who are supportive, they might be afraid of asking the wrong questions. In closer relationships if people express curiosity I usually try to make them more comfortable by saying that nothing they ask me will offend me - if it's something that is objectively offensive I'll just tell them that, but I won't take it personally (if the person is supportive, then I know they aren't trying to offend) - but that wouldn't work in a larger group setting, I would never give an entire audience the option of being offensive :-) xoxo Chrissy

Today people are confusing becoming "friends" with people they "meet" on the Internet with the friends they meet in real life. Ideally, people would physically meet and become friends with people, then use the Internet to maintain contact between meetings, or to grow these friendships if they're long distance friendships. Rarely I have experienced friendships I met on the Internet to progress to face-to-face friendships, or that they have lasted, usually "petering out." However, the friends I have met on TGGuide have been lasting, quality, emotionally safe and supportive friendships, which is the exception. Sometimes people make lifelong friends at school and work, but it is getting more difficult as it becomes standard to have many employers over a lifetime. People often confuse acquaintances with friends. This is how I break it down: Light/Casual Acquaintance - You recognize someone as a familiar face.Moderate Acquaintance - You are comfortable exchanging first names.Good Acquaintance - You share a cup of coffee.Light/Casual Friend - You go out as part of a group.Moderate Friend - You exchange full names and cell phone numbers.Good Friend - You share sensitive information, such as your home address, landline phone number, and issues that are occurring in the home, etc. Be aware, so-called "popular" people, especially in a high school or college setting, really do not have that many friends, but many acquaintances, that they call "friends." In my opinion, people of my generation, the "Baby Boomers," seek friendship mostly within romantic relationships. First, people in a coupled relationship are able to become more easily friendly with others who are also in a coupled relationship. For instance, during my ten year relationship with my Beloved, (she was a transwoman who identified as a mid-fem Lesbian, and I am a cisgender mid-butch Lesbian), we became good friends the first two years we knew each other through a transgender support group (I was exploring the possibility that I may have been a FTM, but I concluded I was not - that's another story!) and gradually fell in love. As we started dating, we became friends with three other couples, where the transwoman identified as a Lesbian and the butch was a cisgender Lesbian, all of which I am sure the butch would not have been friendly to me had I or both of us were single. About the fems, I am not sure, to be honest with you, but my partner and I only had good acquaintances at work and in professional societies. Friendship is very important at every stage of life (I will be 59 years old on January, 2017). It is important to get out there. You won't make friends in front of your T.V. or computer screen. You need to join organizations that you truly find interesting that meet regularly. No one is going to want to be your friend if you only meet them once or twice, or once in a long while. Here are some resources and ideas: Toastmaster's InternationalGender support groupsLGBT - friendly churchesProfessional societies volunteer workwww.meetup.comPlease share with me your comments and suggestions!