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I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here. To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore. I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery. But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore. Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about. I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be. Peace and long life.

Just spent the last hour having my hair painted with my favorite green dye to repair the damage from the sun, spa, chlorine pool, hot tubs, therapy tub, and sea on vacation. There was a girl with pink hair tipped in purple and me with my green, and by the end of the week she was completely blond again and I was almost there, with just the front part clinging to the green. Looked like deliberately done modern streaking through, so I was somewhat happy with that. It's really relaxing to sit around having someone painting on your hair, to be honest. Nikki wanted to try the brush technique instead of bottle and massage since that kind didn't go so well, although it did dye my computer room a lovely matching shade to my hair. LOL As expected from someone with painting experience, this went beautifully for both painter and paintee. And as it's drying it's coming out really well, I'm thrilled. The day is lovely too, it's a clear lovely day after a morning storm and around 83 degrees. YAY SPRING! Please stay spring, I'll be REALLY nice to you. Totally. I'm done with your sibling winter. Nikki's cold/flu thing continues, but he's in much better spirits with the better weather. Still only have a surprisingly light case of it myself, this is weird. Usually I fall pretty to germs and he doesn't. Once a few years ago a bug ripped through town, but targeted people with generally strong immune systems like Nikki and my bff but left those with weaker ones like me alone. It was weird, and this seems to be acting like that. Now I plan to spend the evening enjoying the scent of the Argan oil in my hiar (the dye uses it, smells really good) and killing things in my favorite mmo. Bring on the cyberenemies!

It's been awhile since I've written anything here - that was partly (largely) because of school and recovery. My recovery from GRS is going well, I've now been cleared for everything (including tennis and sex!), and I'm down to dilating twice a day (until the end of June). There was some granulated tissue, but that's been taken care of. And I've now had the delightful female experience of having my feet up in the stirrups for a medical exam! It doesn't make you feel at all vulnerable (sarcasm). I'm glad that my surgeon's staff is entirely female, I suspect that part of the process would have been a little more uncomfortable if her PA who was checking me was male. I recently finished co-facilitating an 8-week support group for transgender people, this one was focused on those who had recently come out and/or were in the early stages of transitioning. The most interesting part for me personally was that going in I saw myself as in a very different place than the group members (since I've pretty much come out everywhere, and my physical transitioning is largely done), but there was definitely a common thread that made me very much part of the group (since it's a peer-run support group it was fine that I was sharing as well, thought I always made sure it was after anyone else had shared, I never took a priority position for myself). Specifically, the sense of alienation and rejection that people felt because of their gender identity, that's still definitely a very big part of my life - especially now that surgeries are done and I'm thinking more about the prospects of dating :-(

The stirrups are awful, and exceedingly akward physically in my opinion, it just feels like physical about to fall while all the bits are exposed to the world. Meh. And I have to be so careful just getting in them, I nearly fell off the table last time. Cuz you know, that was a great moment for my inherent clumsy to rear it's head and not embarrassing at all. LOL And all I can say is plastic speculums beat metal, they're not icicle-like. I'm so glad you are all healed up without crazy complications! So many scary stories about bacteria these days! Here's to a long and healthy new life!

Emma, I know I'm late to the game on this one - but first, I think your response was perfect, I think it's important to point out that there isn't a "choice" involved (except the "choice" to live authentically!). I also agree that "tolerance" is definitely NOT the goal. Personally, I think mutual acceptance and respect is what's generally called for in life - "acceptance" feels a little off too, but that's why I put the "mutual" in front of it. It's about accepting that people are different from each other in many, many ways, and we should accept that and respect everyone for who and what they are (within reason of course - I'll never accept or respect Trump). I would also consider that you probably have a much more nuanced understanding of what "tolerance" means than your friend - that may well have just been the first word to come to mind, and if they haven't been in a position where they were rejected for some part of their identity they might not fully appreciate the meaning. With friends I've always gone by motivation - as long as I know that they're being supportive, I don't take any incorrect terminology badly from them - though I do correct it! Has anything further happened with this friend since February? xoxo Chrissy