Leaderboard

Last week I sent the following email to about 30 ex-colleagues and friends at a start-up company I worked at for 6 years and loved. Roughly 75% have responded very positively, and one even reported that his 9 year old son has expressed transgender feelings and asked for my thoughts and suggestions. I've not received any negative feedback. Maybe the other 25% are uncomfortable? Who knows, but that's okay... Since sending this email out I've forwarded it to another 15 or so people. I think it's a pretty good update for my friends and provides them with information that I hope they will use in conversations with their friends. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear friends, 20 years ago this month I joined Start-Up thanks to A, B, and C, and it remains as one of the best experiences I’ve had. I miss working with all of you very much. That said, I’ve been carrying a profound secret since I was a child that I have only lately come to terms with and wish to share with you. My goal is simply to facilitate conversation. What’s the secret? In a word, I am transgender, and I’ll tell you more about it all below. I’ll try to be brief and avoid the dreaded “tl;dr” but as you can imagine it’s a long story. The story is important to me of course but I hope you will read and be interested more in the broader context of all transgender people. I often start off by telling whomever I'm coming out to that ever since I can remember (age 4 or 5) I wanted to play on the girls' teams. I wanted to learn to curtsy with the girls in nursery school, dance like a ballerina, play with the girls in their kindergarten kitchenettes, and join the Blue Birds in 1st grade. In junior high, like Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, I was inextricably drawn toward sewing girls’ clothes for myself including a camisole and a teddy, in secret and out of rags, while my parents attended AA meetings. I was acutely aware that my desires, envies and actions were utterly shameful and needed to be kept strictly hidden and under control. All of these feelings stayed with me (maturing, of course) over the next half-century as I struggled to keep the ship afloat while battling depression and emotions that just wouldn't be suppressed. Close your eyes for a moment and consider how it would feel to be so utterly convinced that you are so shameful, with a longing that just doesn't go away, and it's so bad that you can't tell anyone what is really in your heart. You just have to journey on as best you can. That journey has been tough: always monitoring my relationships for whatever I might do or say that would expose myself, second-guessing: “Am I saying the right thing?” “How am I supposed to be right now?” Telling you this is an amazing milestone for me. Quite literally for years I would have rather died than have it come out. I went to therapists for depression and didn't tell them about my feminine feelings, as those feelings were just too shameful and, I figured, I could keep the depression and its treatment isolated from talking about my gender dysphoria. In hindsight that was kind of silly but when feeling that kind of pressure we humans do odd things. In early 2014 my wife told me that I needed to return to therapy. I was unhappy, we were unhappy, and I needed to deal with things. I told my new therapist from the onset that for the very first time I was going to totally open my kimono come hell or high water. Still, it was unbelievably hard. It took some months to gradually get it all out. And then I had to tell my wife, which was also very hard. I spent the following couple of years studying, exploring, and learning what it is to be transgender, where it originates, overcoming my own transphobia, and accepting that I am trans. My wife and I cried about it but we decided that I would never really find and become myself while we were married. We thus went to a mediator a few months ago, worked out our divorce agreement, and filed the papers. The mediator was astonished that we came to the meetings holding hands, smiling/laughing, and yes, crying. I bought a 23' RV (Winnebago Minnie Winnie; my wife hates the name!) in March and headed north in mid-April, in search of a new place to settle (I can't afford to live in the SF Bay Area!), to find who I am and become that person. Now, I'm in Seattle and have pretty much decided that I want to buy a small house somewhere in the San Juan Islands this Fall. I have old friends here and have always loved the San Juans. But on the transgender topic I assume that you and/or others may not know much about it and I figure that, like we saw with the civil rights movement, the emergence of gays and lesbians, and others, we need to encourage "dinner table conversations" among cisgender people (where 'cis' = 'same', meaning that one's inner gender matches their birth sex characteristics). Knowledge is power, and with that in mind I came up with what I hope is a helpful FAQ: Does this mean I'm gay?No. Sexuality and gender are completely orthogonal and unrelated, although this is often the first question people ask. For what it's worth I'm only attracted to women. What does "transgender" mean? Does it mean you're a transsexual?Transgender is an umbrella term/label that includes anyone whose gender doesn't align with their birth sex. Some trans present in public as their true selves, some caring that they “pass” and some not. Some only do what they need to do under their clothes or in private. And some trans people transition their bodies via hormones, surgery(s), and so forth, and some do not. Those that do are called transsexuals but the language is evolving and the transgender label is often used for people like Caitlyn Jenner, Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Janet Mock. How can I be sure I'm trans?Good question, especially since there is no scientific/objective test... none. Everyone sure wishes there was a test. Trust me when I say that I've done my homework: lots of books, therapists, meetings with trans people, introspection. In the end it's undeniable. So much history. Will I transition?Another good question. Until fairly recently I thought not but lately I'm thinking it may be inevitable. I'm afraid of waking up some day on my death bed wishing for what could have been or what I didn’t do out of fear. I am considering starting a low dose of hormones that can be taken for some months before physical changes occur to see how I feel mentally. I would put $20 down that I will feel terrific but we'll see; I have an open mind to losing that bet. Do I present as a woman all the time?No. When I'm with some friends, or attending a trans meeting/conference, I do. I’m growing my hair out because I hate wigs and at some point will need to have it styled. Maybe then I’ll start presenting as a woman more often. What do I wear?Us in the trans community call them "clothes." Sorry, I had to. :-) Actually, I try to wear a style like women would wear in a similar situation and about my age. I'm learning as I go. I attached a couple of recent photos. How do I look?You tell me! I'm told I look pretty good but one never knows if people are just being nice. When I do go out publicly my goal is to blend in as best I can. How many trans people are there?Very hard to have an accurate answer. A UCLA study recently reported that 0.6% of US adults (1.4M people) are transgender. This compares with 3% who are gay/lesbian. These numbers feel right to me but what do I know. Notably there are the same number of FTM (female to male) as there are MTF (male to female, like me). FTMs have it easier in some ways at least because of society's acceptance of the variety of ways that girls/women dress. Also, note that 41% of trans people attempt suicide at least once. I'm part of that statistic. Is it curable?Our VP Mike Pence would say so. Consider this: is it "curable" (or needed?) to change your handedness from left to right? Your eye color? A. it's not a disease that needs to be cured. B. it's not changeable; we are what we are. Trying to "cure it" has proven to result in many suicides. I'm careful to wish that Trump be impeached - the devil you know and all that. I wish they'd both be impeached. Sessions too, but I'm getting off topic… Isn't it just a sexual proclivity or fetish?No, not at all - at least for transgender people. Note that for many (me included) these feelings came about long before puberty. The child knows what is in her/his heart. Are you implying that God makes mistakes? Not at all, I'm acknowledging diversity. Being transgender doesn’t imply that God made a mistake although this is said by some, implying that since God doesn't make mistakes then being transgender (or gay) is simply an aberrant lifestyle. I don't feel that being transgender is any more of a mistake than being born blind, deaf, conjoined twins, with a cleft palate, or right-handed. Do you feel like you are a woman “inside”?I don’t know, honestly. How could I? Do I feel like I was born in the wrong body? Not really although I have often wished I was born female. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but that’s kind of it: I have always envied and wished I was one of the girls. Simple and complicated and shameful (for a boy) as that. How do I feel these days?I'm feeling rather good, thank you. It's truly amazing what a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I've thus far come out to over 30 family, friends, professionals, and acquaintances, and if you include spouses and so forth it might be 50. Now with you I guess that number may double. I am daunted at times at the prospects of transition. I'm lucky to have found a terrific gender therapist in Seattle as well as other resources. I'm also so lucky to have such a strong relationship with my (ex) wife. We talk at least once a week for an hour or two. What's next?On June 20 I will be crossing the border into Canada, driving the ALCAN highway in my Minnie Winnie to Anchorage where, on July 14th I'm meeting a friend with whom I'll be spending the following two weeks camping and motorcycling. (I also have a Kawasaki KLR 650 strapped onto the back of my Winnebago.) And then it will be back to Seattle to attend a gender conference (August 24-27) and get back into my trans journey. That's all I have for now. Please ask me anything you’d like. Probably private emails are best since I don’t want to clog up mailboxes. Also, please feel free to forward this email to anyone whether I know them or not. Oh, and let me know if you're going to be in the Seattle area and would like to meet up. The soul of brevity, Emma For more information As you might imagine I could point you to way more than you may wish for. I think the four videos listed below are excellent. If you'd like to learn more please let me know. Charlie Rose Brain Series: Gender Identity In this episode of the Brain Series, a panel of experts in psychology, pediatrics, and gender studies, including co-host Eric Kandel and neurobiologist and transgender man Ben Barres, examines the complex issue of gender identity and the biology of the brain. Dr. Mark Yarhouse: Transgender As legislatures debate “bathroom bills” and National Geographic Magazine heralds a “Gender Revolution,” many are asking, what is gender dysphoria? Seven hundred thousand people identify as transgender in the U.S. yet many Christians are uncertain of how to engage. Dr. Mark Yarhouse, clinical psychologist and founder of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity, brings his latest research to educate us on gender dysphoria and provides a helpful framework for how to think well about the conversation of identity. Brynn Tannehill - “I Am Real” An amazing speech given at the 2014 TransPride Pittsburgh National Conference. Sean Patrick Maloney & Sarah McBride - Democratic National Convention Co-Chair of the Congressional LGBT Equality Caucus Congressman Sean Patrick Maloney (New York) and LGBT rights activist Sarah McBride.

I've heard that it's terrific, so with your review now I know I will have to see it!

I cannot believe I haven't written about this yet! Last Friday I saw "Wonder Woman," and it was truly amazing. There are things I could be critical of (the messaging in a few spots was a little heavy handed and the effects in a couple of areas a little cheesy), but overall I think it's a truly great movie (and I'm not really into superhero movies). I won't say much about the movie because I don't want to do any spoilers - but there were moments when I was moved to tears, and moments when I felt more like a woman than I ever had before. I don't know if I can explain what that second one is about, but it happened.

Hi all, On Saturday I had lunch with a friend from school - and then we hung out for a few hours. I know him well, we were at the same field placement during our first year and we share a love of Taco Bell :-) A discussion we had along the way on Saturday was about being "out" in class. With me it's about my transgender identity, with him it's about being a military veteran. On the surface for both of us is a desire to not be "the ___ student" (me "the trans student"). For him that might really be it, for me I think it goes deeper, I think it's a real desire to maintain my identity as a woman and the fear that being open about being trans undermines that. Even deeper is that internally I still see being trans as somehow making me less of a woman. The result of all this was that during my entire first year I had never said anything about my gender identity in class. I had said things about it individually to other students, but never during class - and it is a social work program, so there were many, many opportunities where I could have - and should have - said something. We both agreed that not sharing is both bad for us individually (it's hiding something) and we miss the opportunity to add something to the educational process for others (leaving out a major part of our life perspectives). That changed on Tuesday. We did a quick in-class exercise where she gave us each a short scenario, something that was designed to generate a negative response (mine was that I had applied for an apartment, and although I was fully qualified and the only person who was applying for it, the landlord rejected me). My initial response was confusion and assuming that it was because of my gender identity. I had a minute or 2 to think of an alternative, but I didn't. So for the first time I openly acknowledged my gender identity in class :-)

I actually had more for my original post - but I was writing it at school and some other people came along so I decided to be social and cut the post off there. An observation I made later (after class) was that my initial thought ("I was rejected because I'm transgender") was paired with confusion. It seems like that's a move forward for me in that I think earlier it would have been hurt or anger that would have come up. And those would no doubt come up if this had really happened, but the initial response is confusion. I think that reflects that this has become a part of my identity that I'm more comfortable with, so my response when people reject it is to not understand why they would have a problem with it. As a quick follow-up - the professor in that class during the next session gave me contact information for a friend of hers who is prominent in the area of social work with LGBT individuals, particular dealing with trans issues. She's in Albany, so it's a little limited in terms of networking, but it is still a connection, and one that I probably wouldn't have made without coming out (I doubt any professor would risk suggesting that contact if I wasn't open about my gender identity)

I came across a quote today - it was the quote that Janet Mock got the name of her new book from: "And at last you'll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking." Audre Lorde

Hey Chrissy, You're awesome, girl! I love Taco Bell too, BTW. two Taco Super Grande's and I'm happy. I'm sure the ingredients are all pretty creepy and I don't even want to know, but I love the taste and the crunchiness. And good for you for coming out to your entire class. It's scary but I think that in general, good people respect our being open, transparent, and vulnerable. I believe that most people are good, just trying like all of us to take care of themselves, their families, and to be happy. So they see that too in people like you. As it turns out, today I came out in an email to about 30 people I worked with in a company that I joined 20 years ago this month. I told them that I had always had what I thought was such a shameful secret, and that secret is that I am trans. I also gave them a FAQ list so they became more educated about me and trans people in general, and links to several videos that I think are particularly good. Thus far I've heard from about half of them, all very supportive and yelling "Bravo!" I spent a fair amount of time writing the thing but I'll tell you, my finger hovered over the Send button for a few seconds. But I finally pushed it, and then sure, I was kinda concerned. It was easier for me than for you since I have moved away from the area and no longer work with these people. But we are all good friends, so I fretted that I may have shared too much. I think it's true to say that the universe rewards action. Like yours, and mine. Love, Emma

May 2017Ok so I meant to begin this way back at the beginning of the year, but like most things we plan to do and keep putting off I now find myself in May and only just sitting down to begin this.So I should start by outlining what this diary is about. Over the next seven months I intend to update on a regular basis my progress not towards transition but towards being a healthier and contented self.So where am I now? Well some of the things I had done or started in the past are: ·Ears pierced – Done [April 2007]·IPL (Laser Hair Removal) – In Progress [Started with professional IPL in June 2008 and ongoing with home kit intermittently since}·Legal Name Change – Done [February 2008 to a more generic androgynous name]·Social – Done then Not Done [Not been out since around 2011. I put on heaps of weight, lost confidence, changed jobs, moved Countries blah blah blah]·Stop Self Harming – Done, but still get the urge to at times, which I always try and move past. Some days it’s easy, some days not so easy, but still no longer cutting, burning or trying to damage myself in any other way.·Take a Skin Care & Beauty Night Class – Done and learned heaps. Strongly recommend doing one if you can·Fashion Design/Dressmaking Night Class – Done and still makes heaps of dresses these days as well. Even taught my daughter how to sew.·Stop Smoking – Done {15 years and counting]·Stop Drinking Alcohol – Done [11 years and counting]So that is where I have got to. The hardest part now is getting my body in to some shape or form that doesn’t repulse or depress me when I see it in a reflection or a mirror.This is where this diary now comes in. Three weeks ago I began a Paleo diet which basically means that the only food I can intake is as listed below, this means no bread, no dairy, no chocolate, no pizza, mmmmmm pizza.Paleo Diet Meats·Turkey·Chicken breast·Steak·Bacon·Eggs (duck, chicken, or goose)Paleo Diet Vegetables·Carrots·Cabbage·Peppers (all kinds)Starchy Vegetables·Sweet potatoPaleo Diet Oils/Fats·Olive oil·Grass-fed butterPaleo Diet Fruits·Apple·Blackberries·Blueberries·Lemon·Lime [particularly in water to drink]·Raspberries·Oranges·BananasSome of my own diet staples are lemon and ginger tea, peppermint tea and chamomile and spearmint tea. I also drink heaps of water and sometimes for a treat some Pellegrino sparkling water. Sweet Potato chips and eggs are a huge part of my mix as well, coupled with lean meats. I also as a guilty pleasure often make a gluten and dairy free banana bread with cinnamon sugar top. It’s not exactly fat free but everything in moderation Eating OutEating out should not be as complex as you would imagine. Basically if it has bread, pasta, wheat or dairy, you don’t eat it. For example, breakfast out means scrambled egg, bacon and/or sausage. Lunch could be anything really, Dinner likewise. Spring or still water is also good and I have found that it keeps you palate clean for tasting the food as well, which is a pleasant change. Also forces you to think about what you are eating and I have therefore stopped eating junk food, not that I would eat a lot of them anyway and I tend to eat very little fried food, with most of it grilled.Fitness/ExerciseGym wise, I try and get there three times a week, and do a steady 40 minutes cardio session of cross-trainer, static bike and either treadmill or rowing machine. I have knackered knees so the less impact the better and although the cross-trainer can be a bitch at times it does work and I always feel better afterwards. I’m fortunate that I have a training partner in the form of my wife, so if either of us is less than excited about going, at least the other one can drag you along. Honestly it does work better if you have someone to train with, even if you are ignoring each other whilst you listen to your tunes and sweat profusely lol.Going Full TimeI get asked this a lot, "Am I full time". It's always a hard one to answer so I will attempt to do this here.In 2008 I was on the verge of transitioning, I had legally changed my name, lost a hell of a lot of weight and was generally presenting on the cusp. Very androgynous in the way I dressed and looked.However, around this time I became very ill, suffering from Chronic Pain and spent the good part of 2 1/2 years on high doses of morphine and weekly clinical psychology sessions.It obviously made my relationship stressful with my wife and thankfully we are very much closer now than we have ever been. Due to being ill, having young children, losing my job and working through some childhood trauma, I was just not in a position to begin to present as a woman and begin the journey through to GRS.What I had done though, and continue to do so, was to stop pretending to be something I wasn't. The name change helped with that. I was no longer a dual person with both a female and a male name and so it allowed me to be who I am today.People can physically see me for what they want, but what they get in terms of my personality, is just me. The person who I am on the inside, is now what people get to see on the outside.Of course I would love to have GRS, and the need to present more and more as the woman I am continues to cause me great consternation and pain, but if you ask me 'am I full time', I guess my answer is yes I am, you just wouldn't know it if you looked at me.More to follow............

Charlotte, That's a great start! And I like the detailed nature of your diary, it can help give others (me!) ideas :-) Emma - I use the Libra app (I have an Android) which does what you talk about as far as giving you a moving average for weight - it's definitely helpful! Also use Myfitnesspal app to track calories. xoxo Chrissy

Great start to your diary Charlotte! It helps me, too, as I am taking baby steps toward transition. I guess I try to follow a paleo diet which looks to me like Atkins. I just try not to eat refined carbohydrates, and, try for smaller portions. One thing I do that's really helped is that I have a digital scale that I weigh myself on every single morning. I then enter the number into a spreadsheet that calculates a 10-day moving average (which smooths out the fluctuations) and my BMI. I graph the weight numbers too vs. time. About three years ago I was about 175 pounds (I'm 5' 9") and through managing my diet I got down to 155 which was terrific. These days I'm about 164 and trying to return to the 155! It's hard as I love food so much. 💃🏼 Anyway, please keep us up to date on your diary. I'd love to keep comparing notes and learning from you. Emma