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Hi Blue! it's been a crazy ride, but as things are slowly pulling together I'm doing better. I have had my disorders so long, and generally function around them so well, that I mostly actually forget they are there until I make a dumb choice like that and poke them hard and jump off the emotional cliff as it were. It's why I always try to have backup plans for my backup plans, it's a coping mechanism for the terrorizing panic attacks I'm prone to. Life, no one gets out unscarred. ​ I am eyeing a nice Victorian, it needs a lot of cosmetic work, but the price is low, but I'm a bit worried about the yard. The yard looks like it won't work, and that's non-negotiable. I'll live in a plain uncharismatic ranch with a gorgeous yard if I have to. LOL Nikki says maybe two months to having this place ready to list, and then once we find a buyer a huge chunk of the current stress will lift off. I have paralyzing freakouts that no one will want the house. Nothing will make that go away until we close on the house. Then we can focus on buying the next one and setting up for the new chapter of life. Closer to my friend N happily.

Hi briannah, such a long time but am glad you feel better after making it through such a difficult period. I can barely imagine how agonizing that must have been with killer cat and still such a major loss even if it had to be plus other big things in flux and reorganization. all the best to you and nikki in the move to your target town and smart having backup plan too, but you seem to usually think of anything and everything so I wouldn't expect anything less. I'm glad we're both back now.

Emma, I'm so happy for you with your wonderful, freeing inward and outward adventures into your true needs and desires, finding your way into where you are really home.

Oh you know, having a bit of a breakdown after I had to put down my Murder Kitty at only five years old. But ​Murder Kitty will not tolerate vet care, and while his condition was fixable, only with a LOT of constant vet care. No one at our clinic has ever seen anything like his reaction to them. So it was best to let him go quietly. Then I tried to keep busy working on the great life reorganization plan, and I realized the great life reorganization plan exists outside of theory and had a panic breakdown. It was a dumb idea on my part to agree to change EVERYTHING in my life at once. I have deep seated security issues, and this amorphous shapeless mass of a future crushed me. I should have known better. I got so focused on what Nikki needed, somewhere in the last four months or so I sorta forgot I exist. And my mom gave the only heirloom I ever wanted, that we fought over for years cuz she wouldn't even let me USE the dishes on holidays even though she never used them even once, to my cousin, and when I objected told me I'd never expressed any interest. SO much fun realizing you don't exist for your family unless your standing in front of them. But we're moving away sometime soon. It's better now though. NIKKI GOT A JOB! Yup, he leaves his current crappy one in two weeks, and is getting a raise and a more responsible position. And it's only an hour north of the city we wanted to live in, so tomorrow we're going to a small town that is exactly between his job and the city where we have friends and stuff to do, about a half hour either way, and see if we want to consider living there. The other option is a city north of his job that is bigger, but further from target city. So if we hate small town we have a fall back plan. I'm sorta excited to go check this place out. We still have to sell this house obviously, but Nikki's commute is only an hour until we do, and he's done longer commutes before. He's gonna have a normal m-f schedule again. Hooray! And his current job that is eliminating his department in like two weeks still hasn't even communicated what was going to happen to him or my best friend who works there, so the timing was LOVELY. I'm really happy for him, and me, and having a direction is giving that future a sorta shape. It's still all amorphous and scary, but it's starting to have a definite shape which is making me feel better. We're moving in with Mom in September until the house sells and we get a new one so we can offer immediate possession to the buyer and no stress trying to orchestrate the two transactions. But I'm not crying in the corner anymore, so I'm back on the internet. Missed ya!

Bri, life has too many stresses and scary things. It's all well and good to call them challenges, learning experiences, and all that, but things can be so much better and easier in theory and mind or fantasy than in the outside world. it would be nice to weed some out or at least have safe refuges from them within yourself, your relationships, and immediate surroundings. You seem to have that so much with Nikki as you chart your future and find and create your beautiful yard. Hope you find a buyer soon so that big piece of non-peace can fall away.