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JeffDad -- Despite all that's been said by those who've participated in this discussion, you stand firm in your belief that being trans is a choice, a "lifestyle." And you are steadfast in your belief that we just "think" or "believe" that we are one gender or the other. As for my example of the Sadie Hawkins dance, I wasn't out, so of course no one would have asked me to go. If you had taken in what I wrote, it would have been clear that I suffered my situation alone and in silence. I wasn't alone, friendless and without romantic relationships because people wanted nothing to do with a transgender man. They didn't know I existed. "If I was hearing happy stories.... positive life stories, fulfilling relationship stories.. happy family stories.... or anything that could even be construed as positive I may think differently." ... "I do not want this world for my daughter." --JeffDad Because of those who make life miserable for so many trans people ... why don't you consider becoming a part of CHANGE, so that your child DOESN'T feel isolated, different, unwanted, bullied, unhappy, etc.? Starts with one cisgender person at a time. Join a Straight/Gay Alliance. Join a LGBTQ+ support group. Join a transgender group. I dunno where in Jersey you are, but I do know that in the tri-state area (NJ, eastern PA, southern NY) there are many groups that could be of help. Become an activist. Make this world better for your child... don't condemn the lot of us and call us delusional, and dismiss us with, "it's your choice," or "I believe that YOU believe your gender is _______." We can fight for and hope to gain the same rights you have, but acceptance comes from the cisgender mainstream - from the ones who mandate the unwritten rules of society. Let's take marriage equality for example: same-sex marriage is legal now, BUT, that doesn't mean it's generally accepted. Just means there were those that felt they finally had to do the right thing. And it certainly doesn't mean that society now accepts gay people. It takes the haters to change that. Ya know what else isn't a choice? Being born. Your child didn't ask to be born. In fact, he had no say what-so-ever in the matter. And because he had no choice, those who brought him into this world should accept him in whatever way shape or form he turned out - without reservation. And if everyone accepted everyone the way they are, there'd be no reason to worry. This world will never be safe for anyone who is different until those who have issue with difference, change. I really wish we could be of more help. I was hoping we could help you accept your child the way he is and understand that this is not a choice, a desire, a whim or a phase. I wish all of you, especially your children, the best. Maybe one day, they will be the ones to usher in an era where people are just people, and sex and gender are simply medical designations only, and not something to be used as licenses by others to hate or hurt, withhold equality, or deny happiness. Good luck -David Michael

Hey Jeff - It's obvious that emotions are high and intense surrounding the gender identity of your child. Seems now, that a "fight or flight" instinct is beginning to kick in. Sadly, I see the fight. And before I go further, please understand that you will not get the validation that you appear to need or are looking for. Rather we will, to an extent, try to get you to accept whether you understand or not, and to rally around your son (and his mother) 'cause people like us are just another minority that society loses no sleep at all in beating up on us, denying us rights, and in some cases - KILLING us. I've received PMs from members expressing frustation from not knowing what more to say or do for you, and concern for your child. Your most recent entry explains why - at least for me it does. In your 2nd entry (01 July), you closed with, "if I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to. I am asking serious questions." I responded to this, that you had nothing to worry about as long as it was obvious you wanted to learn, and as long as we detected no [intentional] callouness. I hoped you were working toward accepting your child's gender identity. I think the [unintentional?] callousness I seem to be detecting is due to your own fears, and your concern for what people will think of you. MomPride has not jumped on any "trans train." The only people guilty of that are those in areas of media that sensationalize transsexuality and try to capitalize on it (and the porn industry, unfortunately). It's a hot topic for some, and the media knows there are people who will watch whatever they put out like people at a freak show. Though I'm sure you didn't intent to, by saying this to MomPride, you disrespected her on every level possible, and invalidated her son. You do not have to delude yourself. But in light of the fact that your child has come out as trans and identifies as male, the only delusion now would be if you caused your child to retreat into the female role that you expect so that you can happily go on about your life - delusionally, but [allegedly] happy. Once again, you've disrespected MomPride (and everyone else in the community) by, in so many words, calling her delusional. We all suffer disasters in our lives - some small, some big, some managable, some not, some temporary, some last for periods longer than we think we can endure, some last a lifetime. And some are more than we can endure, at which time some choose to pull the plug. While it is true that society treats us like so much trash (actually worse because some trash is recycled!), being able to be oneself is priceless. There are those who dislike black people and other people of colour. Such people feel that dislike everyday. But they can no more change what they are than a trans person can. I know this is going to sound cliche, and my apologies in advance, but... we do not choose to identify as a gender contradictory to our birth sex any more than you choose to be cisgender and heterosexual. Tell me, please, why would we intentionally subject ourselves to the unacceptance and hate of the populace? WHY? I am 60 years old, Jeff. I've known from a very young age that I was not like my mother, or her mother, or her sister, or her best [female] friend, or any other female that had, to that point, walked into or past my little life. After I started school is when the problems started. I had no words back then for what I felt inside, but I instinctively emulated other boys. Of course that didn't go over well and I learned to hide my true identity. That did not come without consequences, however. Most of my school years were friendless. In elementary school girls seemed to instinctively know I was different from them... I wasn't one of them. Staff and faculty kept me from participating with the boys - where I really wanted to be. The onset of puberty caused changes I detested, especially breasts - the very things I knew from about 1st or 2nd grade that I would never want. And at the time, had no reason to think I would get them - I just knew I wouldn't want them. And then, WHAM! There they were. I have since then tried every way possible to hide them, make them less noticeable, pretend they don't exist. The appearance of pubic hair also distressed me because I did not know that everyone had pubic hair. The disgust (most likely dysphoria) caused lasting issues. I spent a good part of my junior high years trying to figure out how I could painlessly and successfully kill myself. The fear of failure kept me from doing so. I was afraid I would get arrested (we were always told suicide was against the law); I was afraid I'd get in trouble with my parents (both were very strict, and my dad was military); and I didn't want to end up a vegetable in an institution where people would have to tend to every aspect of life for me, leaving my mis-shapen, wrongly developed body exposed for those tasked with caring for me, to see. My high school years were hell. Imagine being the only boy in all-girl spaces, hormones RAGING, and you can't do a damn thing about it. I was one of the boys that didn't get asked to the Sadie Hawkins dance (and so missed out on that event altogether). I didn't get to ask a girl to the either Jr or Sr prom (and so missed out on both events altogether). I didn't get to play football or baseball. I was relegated to softball and the girl's versions of gymnastics. The older I got, the more clear it got with each passing year that society sucks, and I could not be myself. I had to continue to pretend to be someone else just to keep from being bullied, shunned, hated, ridiculed, teased, etc, whether from family or strangers. Somewhere between high school and adulthood, I developed a love/hate for females. I hated them because I was lumped in with them, and then of course, like any heterosexual male, I wanted a woman to love and who would love me. Now here's the thing - even pretending to be female, throughout my life, I've been bullied, shunned, hated, ridiculed, teased, etc, at various times in different places. So, if I had known there would still be that kinda crap, I could have done it as a boy, as a man. My entire life has been wasted on fear. My entire life has been wasted on pretending to be a female just to keep people like you from hating me. This forum (and being online) is the only place where I have been able to be ME. Where I can be myself and the members here treat me with respect, with acknowledgment, with acceptance, with friendship, with love. There's nothing you can do to change this, Jeff. BUT, you have two choices: 1. You deny your child's gender identity, and you guarantee nothing but pain in more ways than you care to know. 2. You accept your child's gender identity, and help him to be the best he can be, so that he can find the strength to live his life in spite of the haters and bigots. Somewhere among the many discussion here, a former member posted that she told her mother she (the mother) had a choice - she could have a dead daughter, or a living daughter. In other words, dead or alive, the member was a [trans] woman, and not a man. The mother just had to decide which she preferred. If I am coming across as callous or unfeeling I don't mean to. Being trans is serious. David Michael

Hi Monica! I have been settling back into the work force, and it's going reasonably well other than an insane amount of overtime. Going back to work has been good for my marriage since I see Nikki most in the car going there or back or at work! LOL And it's been completely different from my last company, no one here calls me stupid or blames me for everything and they actually seem to be pretty happy I'm there (and I've achieved things! LOL). But it doesn't leave so much time for a personal life. We still own the house, but are buying a new one closer to work anyway. We ran the math and can afford it, and the hour commute each way is LONG. So now we're in that weird we did everything we can and just have to wait for the final pieces and mortgage underwriters to finish up to close and actually get on with the moving. Dash diet is going well, and I'm really doing MUCH better. I know people were getting worried about me last fall, but it appears to have been mostly hypertension related. And removing the salt from the diet, my body is WORKING again. I still have the occasional bad day if I ear wrong, but mostly I feel great and am able to do more and more. I have nearly 7000 steps today on the fitbit, and while my legs are unhappy, I didnt' have to sit much and I kept up with the group. Nikki and I have relearned to eat as well as cook, and it's sort of an adventure! What have you been up to?

Hi David, I am not even sure where to begin so I will just jump in and respond. You do not like my response to MomPride when she said that the day her child decided to come out and be a boy, and I said she immediately jumped on the trans train. That is what she did. I believe there are very very few families that upon hearing their child believes they are a different gender... they immediately go out and buy clothing and are happy that this occurred. This is without a doubt NOT a happy time. There are almost no parents that would feel this is a happy situation and immediately go out and buy clothing and have their child go by a different name the next day... and be happy about it. If you believe that there would be any more than a tiny tiny percentage of families that would be open and accepting of this from day 1.... then yes..... you really are delusional. This isn't about what people think of me. I am 50 years old, I am beyond worrying or being concerned about how the world thinks of me. I am looking out for the health and well being of my child. I do not believe this is healthy nor do I believe this will lead to happiness. Even the comments you have made in your post agree with me. You are 60 years old. You stated that you spent a good part of your junior high school years thinking about how you could painlessly commit suicide. You also stated your high school years were hell. You stated that you were a boy who didn't get asked to a Sadie Hawkins dance and this upset you. You stated you didn't get to do the things that boys do that basically involve girls. What did you think would happen??????????? Did you think that girls were actually going to ask another girl who believed they were a boy to the dance? Were you seriously surprised??????? You then stated that with each passing year you realized that society sucks. That you just wanted to live as a male and have a woman to love. You seem to be blaming society for the fact that most people do not wish to be involved in that type of relationship. Just because you believe you are male, feel that way, and wish to be seen that way does not mean a sicfemale sees you that way and wishes to be in that world. I understand that is what you want, but you need to understand that a large percentage of society may not care how you choose to live, but they almost certainly do not wish to be in that type of relationship. If you don't understand why, I really do feel sorry for you. You are blaming society for not accepting your choices to live differently than the majority of people and for not accepting you as if you were a natural born male. I am sorry that you were not born male... but the fact is you weren't. You stated that you lived most of your life in fear of people like me hating you. I do not hate you in the slightest.. nor do I dislike you. I believe that YOU believe your gender is male. I am sorry that you lived most of your life in fear.. really. That being said, while this is 2018 and people who believe they are trans are more accepted day by day... this does not mean sic hetero people (not sure if that's a term but I believe you know what I mean) wish do date or marry trans people. Your final line is that being trans is serious. I fully agree with you. You mentioned how you lived most of your life in fear and being miserable (my word), suicidal, alone and friendless. Those are your words... not mine. Your feelings and thoughts. What you are saying is what I have heard from almost every other trans person I have spoken with or blogged with or emailed with. Coming out as trans does not seem to lead to happiness for anyone I have encountered. They generally say they have no choice... this is who they are and wouldn't choose this if they had a choice. I do not want this world for my daughter. If I was hearing happy stories.... positive life stories, fulfilling relationship stories.. happy family stories.... or anything that could even be construed as positive I may think differently. All I hear is the misery, fear, loneliness and suicidal thoughts of people believing they are a different gender than they were born. I do not see the happy, positive outcome for my daughter if she continues to go down this path. I only see that same type of life that you have described as your own and I don't want that for my daughter.