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First, my apologies to Mikaylajane for having this conversation on her blog. I'd normally just post on mine or elsewhere but last night I was reeling with emotions so I wrote what I did. I'm still kind of shell-shocked this morning. I have a doctor appt for tomorrow morning and am getting ready now to run out to the Walgreen's for the blood thinner prescription. I'm worried that all this will also stand in the way of my GCS which is scheduled for 1/31. We'll see. Monica: I agree with you and appreciate your support, especially your comment about the photo. Maybe it's time for to me to experience my version of menopause. i guess what I'm most afraid of is that I'll return to feeling the distress between my body and mind which I had for so long before starting HRT. I'm reasonably sure though that I'll be able to stay on spironolactone so maybe that'll be mitigated. Chrissy: Thank you too for your message. Indeed as I was driving home last night I wondered if I could just switch to injections. I raced home to open up a presentation that a local highly-regarded physician sent to me after I met him last month at Gender Odyssey. Maybe, as you said,. alternate delivery might be okay. Unfortunately the way I read this below, the risk is higher for injections. I'm also in excellent health, exercise regularly - all that. But I'm also 62 and maybe that's a factor in DVT risk too.

Dear Emma, When I saw your picture of you hiking with your Lesbian friends, I would never knew you were transgender. You looked like just another Lesbian. Please keep in mind that estrogen drops in ALL cisgender women as they age, and testosterone in ALL cisgender men as they age. Recall a senior cisgender Lesbian heavy/stone butch I knew in Florida (not transgender) who, if you put her in a suit, she would have passed as a cisgender man! Remember, being a woman is from the inside out! Don't let others' problems become your problem! NOBODY is accepted by 100 percent of others 100 percent of the time! Your Lesbian sister, Monica

Yes, I also think it's important to recognize the limitations we have and the things we can't and don't control, and keep peace within our own minds, first and foremost.

Dear Mikaylajane, Live in a small city 50 miles north of NYC that is growing very fast. It has always been clique-ish and clan-ish, but as it grew, it got meaner. Have found medium-sized towns the best. These cities are known to be T/LGB friendly: San Francisco, CA; Portland, OR; Seattle, WA; Fort Lauderdale, FL; and the Tampa Bay (Clearwater, St. Petersburg, Tampa), FL area. Try to participate in as many gender conferences as possible, and ask transgender people about the pros and cons of where they live. Ask people here at TGGuide for their suggestions. Also, look for transgender meetups nearby to find others seeking community. Remember to look for a good overall fit, not just about how T/LGB friendly a city is. Hope this helps. Your friend, Monica

I don’t want to be a downer but neither of us will ever be a cis female. Of late I’ve been labeling myself a woman of transgender experience, the point being I’m first and most importantly a woman but indeed I have a trans history and will always be trans. Today I drove myself to the emergency room because I suspected deep vein thrombosis in my left calf muscle, which is a known risk for HRT. Unfortunately they confirmed it and it’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be told to discontinue estrogen. I want to cry. I’ve gone through so much to get here — lots more than most cis women — and now I have to downshift from progress. Oh, and the ultrasound technician misgendered me despite the “F” on my chart, my legal name, the clothing I wear, the voice I’ve worked on so hard, my hair, my jewelry. She didn’t mean anything by it. She practically started crying herself when I calmly and privately pointed out her error. In some ways I don’t need to pass. I’m fine with being trans. But in many other ways I get very sad when I’m reminded that I’m not a cis woman. I just want to pack up the tent and retire to a cabin deep in the woods. Even if I did consistently pass I’d always feel a bit on edge, like a secret agent behind enemy lines. So that’s not a solution either. I know these emotions will decay and a couple of days from now I’ll be fine. But still. It’s safe to say that transitioning isn’t a cure-all. It’s better than not, certainly. But we’ll always be trans.