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It is official, my wife and I are now separated. I can now be Tilly all the time except at work...I think I am going to hold off on that change until the hair can match who I am...it is at least growing fast. My folks are coming to town next weekend, they know that the wife and I are separated, but I will talk to them about why then. With all my love, Tilly

you also are hurting sister take care of you too

Thanks Christa, I was hoping you would expand on the bit about people already knowing there is something with your gender that you and your friend were talking about. I appreciate you being so candid and sharing so much of your process with me. It is obviously one of the things I still struggle with a bit, my list helped me to see that I have done many thins to try and be girly as I went from a child into a teen and then adult, but other than occasional wishful thinking about wanting to be a girl I never wished my privates away or got suicidal - something that seems to be prevalent online when you hear about those who have transitioned. I've basically had a pretty good life and always took for granted that I was a boy - like literally until last year - I was just one with a secret fetish about dressing up and pretending to be a girl. Daydreaming about being female with my partner (or sometimes becoming or being made to be female in front of others) daydreaming about having a cleavage, and being included in some of the all girls things my sisters did instead of being left sitting with the guys. Always just daydreams or erotic fantasies, even in my buying and purging the excuse was that it was for my wife and then once I'd worn it a few times it got chucked before anyone found out. I have been skunk drunk and never blurted out anything about wanting to be a woman because I suppose I just wasn't - but while drunk I could enjoy myself more, and sing and dance and hug and be expressive and no one would bat an eyelid (and yes once or twice I was that hysterical crying drunk too that no one likes) but binge drinking is a part of the culture and settles down once kids come along, most of the time I would be playing mother hen to everyone else - holding their hair while they puked and cleaning them and the house up, or making sure they got home safe... Many people have commented about me being a great dad but I have always thought I was a fraud and a crap father - I never do any of the traditional dad stuff (stuff my dad and grandad did) - tinkering in the shed, learning to throw and catch, DIY - I struggle to hang pictures properly - we read and go swimming and I keep trying to get them into D&D, and we bake and sew costumes for their fancy dress days and play computer games and board games, I've taught them how to load and unload the dishwasher and make their packed lunches for school and do their laundry (not that they ever do it but they know what the machine does). All the things that I love about myself are what would stereotypically have been seen as womanly qualities, in today's world though it is just not being a dinosaur. It is my own feelings of inadequacy in my male role that makes me so strongly drawn to the woman in me. I love being called Dee online, I love the people hat I am getting to know and I have found it so helpful to blog my process and actually be able to pour my heart out and in all of that the people I come into contact with have just automatically counted me as female - responded to me as Dee, complimented me as Dee - and none of it feels wrong or weird or strange or false, sometimes I find myself wishing my sisters would call me Dee - but it cannot work while all the kids are still in the dark. When my online counsellor called me Dee it just felt right and natural, it inwardly made me smile a few times and in our last session I was dressed how I wanted complete with wig and had not given it a second thought - my counsellor never commented on it but I read people well enough to spot the pleasant surprise on her face when the call connected. Shouldn't it feel more like acting and pretending if I only saw Dee as a release - when often I feel man-me is the one wewaring the costume for work and socialising... Losing the erotic side did not get rid of the desire to dress, losing the body hair really made me feel good about my body for the first time in a long long time. Going out for a walk, while carrying some of that old "excitement at being spotted" as I was going from man-me to Dee in the car but when I was out I just enjoyed the walk - the first exercise I have done in almost 6 months. I am sitting at home depressed most days - getting away with it because everyone assumes it is because my marriage has ended - and some of it definitely is that, telling yourself you are better off without someone is much easier than believing it, but I have done it before - last time I took up ceroc which was like modern jive dancing, though I stopped going when I got back together with my wife, but some of it is also just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I enjoy being treated like a girl in my interactions - I am looking forward to this weekend because it will be another girly weekend - I wont have the kids, so may even take my Christmas PJ's down to wear while I chat with my sister at night and then I will have my first proper laser treatment to get rid of some of the weeds on Saturday - and in my head I am already wondering how long it will be before I ask her to call me Dee while I am there and if there is a way I can be Dee while I am out in town - I really need to start figuring out if Dee is just a part of man-me that needs some form of creative expression (I've always loved art and am-dram, probably why I like fancy dress so much) and because the rest of my life has so much control, or if man me was created to hide Dee who has just been asleep or hiding most of my life and is just jumping at the opportunity to get out! Once I know I can quieten the doubt, I can make plans and I can move forwards. It is odd that part of me can accept being trans while part of me is still looking for excuses and comparisons not to be - I think in my head if I could start hormones and feel the difference I would know instantly if it is better or worse for me, but that is a long way off. I never said but I have two butterfly tees - one is grey with a pastel pink single butterfly wing and the other is an asymmetrical tee - teal colour with small butterflies diagonally across it and the wings are outlined in small sequins - it looks great with dark jeans. (I love the asymmetrical clothes - I think they suit me and flatter my figure) I also have two little black dresses but I have not worn them as I feel fat and ugly at the moment - I have been putting on weight instead of taking it off - a situation i dislike but in spite of it all I still find myself reaching for the chocolate in the evenings. It's like I am deliberately sabotaging myself because I actually thought I was starting to look good. I found myself rewatching some of Kristins trans life early videos this afternoon instead of doing my work - how do I know which is genuinely me? 💖

The hardest part was saying goodnight to my daughter over the phone...

Sorry Tilly, separation from a partner is horrible, but it does not mean that you should stay somewhere that is unworkable- we all change and grow during our lives, you have a lot of exciting growing ahead of you too x