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@ScottishDeeDee Your opinion matters more than you know. If I was a goddess, I would change the past. I would grant people a do-over for their most serious transgressions. But that's not possible, as I'm not a goddess, and none of the Gods will allow me to do that. I don't know where to go when I think of this. Do I go up? Do I go down? Do I go left? Do I go right? Is it black? Is it white? Is it gray? Is it some other color of the rainbow? At the time of the incident, I was mixed with a million different feelings. Something told me to stop. That I was going to kill him. Something else told me to keep going until I killed him. That that was what a "real man" does with f**s. Something asked me why I was doing it when I was no different from him. It reminded me that I was bi. I didn't know what transgender was at the time, but it reminded me that I was supposed to have been a girl. And something reminded me that I was as useless as nipples on a bull. Something inside me hoped that someone bigger and stronger than me would come up on the scene, see what was going on, save him, and beat my ass. I don't know what I could do as a penance. Mainly because I don't know if there is anything that would in any way matter in comparison. I hate myself, and always will. But that's my cross to bear, as they say. If anyone believes in prayer, then please send him your prayers. I don't know his name, only his face, so I can't tell you who to send them to by name. All I can call him is Him.

Hi Jen, That must have been incredibly tough to share. Very few people go through life acknowledging the hurt that they have caused another, physical or otherwise - let alone show remorse for it. Just know that while it is a post full of pain you have also proved that people can and do change and that compassion is greater than hatred. Forgiveness is not something anyone can just do, it take a conscious effort. My opinion may not count for much but I assure you that if anything it has gone up and not down. All my best. Dee x 🤗

I would never be able to do that. I couldn't go in front of people and tell them what I did. I don't have the courage to do that. I think a lot of the reason is the shame. The shame may be exactly the reason to do it, but I still don't think I could. Whether it was at a school, religious institute (church, synagogue, mosque, etc.) or conference of some sort, I just don't think I could put myself out there. I can think of 3 things it would take to get me to do it. And that's being generous. 1) An act of god. 2) A cattle prod 3) A hell of a lot of encouragement and support. I would probably need a bucket with me so that I would have somewhere to throw up while telling the story. Gods forgive me, when I think of this, I just want to die.

I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest. When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed. I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bisexual and trans. If I had come out back then, it would have gotten me killed. If I wanted to live I had to keep those thoughts to myself and ignore them. So I was closeted for a very long time. And the self loathing was almost to nuclear levels. Here's where I'll lose friends. I was out one night and committed a hate crime. It was a gay bashing. I came across a gay man. I attacked him simply for being gay. I beat him and almost killed him. We didn't know each other, so he couldn't really give a description of who did it. As such I never faced any criminal charges. But I did, and still do have a lifetime of shame, and hating myself for what I did to him. I'm not going to offer a reason or excuse for what I did, because there is none. There is no excuse for doing something like that. And there is no reason for it. I only mentioned being taught the hate, to try to give a look into just how screwed up I was. And I still am. I don't like looking myself in the mirror, simply because I remember what I did. In all honesty, I deserve someone doing the same to me, for the same reason. Put me in his shoes, so to speak. I did run into him at the store a number of years later. It turned out he had to have an eye removed due to my worthlessness. He was scared at first when he saw me, but I reassured him he was in no danger. I told him I only wanted to apologize for what I did. I knew that no words could make up for what I did to him, but wanted him to know how much I regret what I had done. He just looked at me for a few seconds. Then he said he appreciated the apology, but still wasn't at a place where he could accept it or forgive me. I told him that I doubted he ever would reach that place. I gave him my name, address, phone number, and email. I told him that if he ever wanted to contact me for any reason that I would always answer. And that if he decided he wanted to press charges, that I wouldn't fight it. I would plead guilty and take the punishment I deserved. He said he appreciated that, but not to hold my breath. We walked away from each other at that point. I know trying to apologize was a step in the right direction, but I didn't feel any better. I still felt like the scum of the earth. I know for doing what I did, I am and always will be absolutely despicable. This isn't a "woe is me" post. I don't deserve any sympathy or pity. Give that to him. I just needed to get that off my chest. Some of you will be asking, why didn't I just turn myself in? I did talk to a cop about that. His exact words will forever be etched into my mind. He said: "So what? You beat a f**. F him." Prejudice plays a role in the legal system on whether or not the cops do anything, apparently. But that is the end of this post. If that gets me expelled from this site, I understand. I hope it won't, but I won't be surprised if it does. And to the friends that I have lost, and all the respect that I have lost, I understand that too. Maybe, if I'm not banned, someday I can earn your friendship back. Even if there's an asterisk by it.