Bonnie

I am transgendered.  I thought at first I may be a crossdresser because that was the first term I had heard when I was young.  'Female impersonators' was probably closer to the term. But then I knew there was more to it than that.  I not only wanted to dress as a girl I wanted to be a girl. I would fall asleep praying I would wake up in the morning and be a girl. Each morning I would wake up and find I wasn't.  I would dress in my mother's clothes whenever I was alone in the house, which was rare.  It was a sexual turn on but I knew it was more than that. My life as a boy was not terrible, I had brothers to play with and lots of kids around, it being a military base. I just knew I could not let anyone know that there was something wrong with me.  Not only did I want to be a girl but I wanted to kiss older boys and have sex with them.  Was I a 'homo' too? (term used back then) I was really confused so I just kept it all to myself and lived as I was expected to.

When I became aware of transsexuality I learned what I could about it without revealing my curiousity. Very difficult thing to do in the 60s but I thought there was hope for me and the realization that I wasn't the only person who felt this way was a relief.  But then life goes on.  I had girlfriends but never pressed them sexually if they didn't want to.  I did enjoy sex with girls but I so wanted to be them and feeling what they were feeling.  Eventually I did have sex with men and would always look at it from a female frame of mind.  Again this was something I had to keep secret.

I should have come out in the 70s as gay, that way I could have taken the next step to transsexuality.  But I didn't out of fear.  I was also quite good at hockey and was seriously persuing it as a profession.  Coming out would have ended that quite quickly.

I met a girl who I wanted to have children with and so we were married.  I thought that when I got married everything would change.  I am with someone I love, I am the man, I will be a husband, we will have children and then I will be a father.  I will have husband and father responsibilities.  That didn't last long.  I mean I was still those things but I didn't want to be.  I wanted to be a woman, a wife and a mother.  Since I couldn't, then I did my best and kept my feelings to myself.  I did start to buy female attire and would wear them whenever I was alone in the house.  It always felt like such a relief when I did.  I let her out.

Eventually I created a separate life for her.  I should have told my wife about myself but that would have ended not only my marriage but my contact with my young children.  The dressing may have been something we could have worked out, I doubted it very much because I had brought up the subject once before we were married and once shortly after.  Before we were married I told her I had dressed in my mother's clothes when I was young.  "You don't do this anymore DO YOU?" My answer should have been Yes but I said No.  She was pleased that I had told her such a deep dark secret.  After we were married and I was seeing that her mind was opening I brought the subject up again.  I told her I had some articles of clothing (lingerie) hidden away.  She got very upset and told me to throw them out right away.  She didn't want to see them and she didn't want to hear about it again.  We didn't discuss it other than me confirming that I had thrown them out and to promise that I would never do that again.  This informed me where I stood regarding my crossdressing let alone my transsexuality.  We also had a number of arguments with respect to her catching me looking at girls.  I did agree with her that it was rude and hurtful to her when I did it when she was with me.  What I could not tell her was why I was doing it.  I liked seeing what they were wearing and how it looked on them and how they moved as they walked and even when they were just standing and talking to someone, how they stood and gestured, what were they wearing underneath and how good it must feel.  I so wanted to be them or like them.  I would often check out how they were wearing their makeup, the colours they chose.  I did not look at women as other males did.  Try to make her believe that!

So life went on in my role but it wasn't long before I began building a wardrobe and through the years it became extensive and difficult to keep it all hidden but I did.  Shopping was difficult but I overcame it.  I did not wear my wife's clothes other than to find out what size I needed to buy something in.  If she threw something out I would often reclaim it and then it was mine.  I would get fully dressed whenever I took a day off work, my kids were at school and I had driven my wife to work.  I would do all the chores around the house that needed to be done, watch some TV, put some music on and dance to it until it was time to pick up my wife at work and then my kids from the sitter's.  Bonnie would then go back into hiding again until the next time.

I had had sex with men before I got married and that should have been a big indicator to me not to get married.  Eventually I began seeing men again while still married.  I won't get into details about it because it is not something I like to admit.  I created a separate life for Bonnie to come out and play.  The more she did the more she wanted to stay out and the more difficult and stressful it became for me.  Guilt for what I was doing and fear of getting caught.  The internet played a big part in my eventual separation from my wife and the expansion of my awareness of the Transgendered world of which I wanted and needed to become a part of. I became more and more stressed and began to make my plans to leave the marriage.  I felt my children were old enough to deal with it since they were now young adults.  They were still living at home and I thought my leaving while they still lived there would make it easier on my wife.  I knew this was going to be difficult for her.  I began making plans to leave because I knew once I told her I wouldn't have much time, if any, to find a place to stay or live. I had a few gall bladder attacks and ended up in the hospital each time. On the last one I was asked by a couple of doctors why I thought I might be getting these attacks after I had said there was no history of them in my family as far as I knew. I told them I had been under an enormous amount of stress and they asked why. I said I was transsexual and was preparing to leave my wife because of it. They didn’t appear shocked or anything and I was soon sent home with a date for surgery to have my gall bladder removed. My next surgery was voluntary for the most part. And my wife was not in total agreement with it. When I was a baby around 6-9 months old my mother was putting me into a crib probably for the first time. The first time for that crib anyway and I have no idea where they had gotten it. As she put me down and let go of me I went straight through the bottom and the whole thing collapsed on me. Luckily I wasn’t killed and only suffered a broken nose. I was rushed to the hospital where my parents were told I was fine but my nose couldn’t be set because the cartilage hadn’t formed yet and my nose would just have to grow as is. So there was always a hump in it that I always felt self-conscious about, especially when I would dress female. It was bad enough as a male it was excruciating as a female. So I told my wife I didn’t think I breathed right but I couldn’t be sure since I didn’t know what normal breathing was actually like. I wanted it looked at by a specialist. I did and the doctor told me my nose was crooked and one of my nasal passages was nearly closed. I was then sent to a surgeon. He agreed and said it was easily fixed. I asked him about removing the hump in it while he was straightening my nose. He said it would not be covered by medical insurance because that part of it would be cosmetic. $3000 extra. My wife reluctantly agreed because she could see how much it meant to me. She later realised why it meant so much to me. I told the surgeon that I was transsexual and asked if he could subtly feminize my nose not making it obviously female but just enough. He did. He said he could do any other alterations I would like if I decided in the future to become female. I am happy with my nose now.

How and when I brought the subject up to my wife that I was going to be leaving her was something I regret to this day and will forever. The problem I guess is that I hadn’t yet decided on a definite date or how exactly I was going to tell her. It was terrifying each time I thought about it. Her birthday was coming up and I was looking for a card for her. All the cards I looked at said things I wasn’t feeling at that moment and I chose one I shouldn’t have. The other thing was that I didn’t sign it like I always did; “With All My Love”. I just wrote my first name. The card was to Someone Special rather than to My Loving Wife. She and my daughter picked up on it right away. I didn’t give them a satisfactory answer. My wife and I discussed it privately later on and that is when I came out to her and that I was going to be leaving her to live with my mother until I could find a place to live. Now her birthday has been marred with that thought each year. I wish I could take it back, given her the card she was expecting and had chosen a time of no meaning to just tell her. (to be continued)