Cyrsti

Stephanie, What a great story. Thanks for sharing! We lived a a rural area so the nearest house was a wooded lot away so being discovered was not so pressing. In the immediate area around us there was only one girl. All boys. I often wonder if some of my total fascination with the female gender is from early deprivation! LOL

Here is one of the stories I sent to a friend and she thought I should share so...Here" ya" go! Direct from alternate life style redneck bars , two stellar tales...of me being me. The first establishment basically was a female biker bar, not hardcore outlaw women, but a serious crew none the less. The best way I can describe the place was I got the juke box turned off one night when I played Shania Twane "Lord I feel like a Woman." No sense of humor...kind of like the urinal that was made into a planter. The best pick up line I heard was "you don't look half bad. Maybe I should take you with me and we can see what kind of time we could have." YAHOO. Me thinks that could have hurt! Back in those days my wife was still alive and I had to be home around midnight. She got off about that time and I had to be presentable with all signs of makeup gone. Believe me, no amount of jabbering would have saved my place in the house when I told her I was abducted by an alien lesbian. A kinder and gentler lesbian bar also operated on the same side of town. I made friends there that I'm in touch with today. (5 years later) One night karaoke was the entertainment. Here she comes...burr haircut, cowboy hat and weighing in at a conservative 250. I'm in long blond hair, tight jeans and boots. It occurred to me quickly... it may be about time I started sharpening up my non existent singing skills. She did ask me to sing, she TOLD me to pick out a song. I thought "is this the way they treat girls in Texas?" I opted for the only song my male self destroyed after many beers...the romantic ballad "You don't have to call me Darling, Darling. David Allan Coe if you're familiar.(I think he wrote it in jail?) After we made sweet music (ha) she said "your voice is as low as mine!" I felt as if I was in a "Lola" song remake, just all twisted up. In this version, I was the guy and she was Lola. Well, I kind of was the guy and she was kind of the girl but backward... when and if she put me on her knee. I thought maybe I could outrun her if I took my boots off! We parted friends (thank god!) and I don't truly know if she guessed my gender. I had never seen her before or after! Unfortunately all the pure lesbian bars are closed now in the area. How sad. I miss drinking free. But more importantly, I won't get to try out one of my top fantasies...female strippers in a lesbian bar! Dammit! Mo MO MO! as Billy Idol would say coming up!

Indeed. My experience in female communication (verbal and non) have done wonders I have opened my senses to hearing and reacting on a totally different level with both genders. Could be a great communication tool! If someone had the guts to write it. I'm sure I'm one of ten million who thought of it.

I have been frequenting a couple of the casual chain bar/restaurants in the area for over ten years. On my first visit, I was so scared that I took a seat next to a supporting post around the bar and tried to blend with it! I didn't dress as a piece of oak however so that didn't work! I did live through the evening and found out the world wasn't trying to destroy me for being a girl! So I continued to return. In fact, a couple of the bartenders that have waited on me since the beginning are still there. I also became pretty good "buds" (no not the beer) with the crew of the other unit. On one trip I ended up sitting next to one of the regular bartender's sister. I had heard stories about the exotic "stripper sis" and wasn't sorry! She was exotic with some well placed tats. Her other job was as a hairdresser and she proceeded to tell me how much she loved trannies and gave me some tips on my appearance. She even went as far as inviting me to sister #3's bachelorette party. (another story) Her husband was always with her. He was a big guy with a classic Triumph bike and the look to go with it. He ran a lumber yard. What a threesome! The only problem was she loved to trade shots and the extra Jaeger and Tequila was hard to survive! About three months later, she broke up with her husband. I guess exotic strippers have a hard time with monogamy? One night after the breakup, he came in with about three other friends that I knew.. Regardless of his decision making process with women, the poor guy was heartbroken. I tried to lend some support the best I could and away I went. A week later, he was in the bar again and came over to sit next to me. Much to my (and the bartender's amazement) he was really interested in talking about things like his bike and music WITH ME. He was leaning into me ever so slightly and added some light touches. He had to be at work early the next morning. He gave me his cell number and left. He never asked for mine. One of the bigger mistakes I've made is that I never called him. Only saw him once after that and he moved away. At that point in my life my profile would have read "no men" After my brief encounter with him, I changed that profile. Ever so briefly I connected with a person who shared many of the same interests with me. Ever too quickly, I never tried to see the gentle bear of a guy again. All of a sudden spending time with a guy wasn't such a bad thought. I often wondered what that ride on the back of his Triumph would have been like!

Thanks John, I have been VERY lucky to have learned the hard way about being in the wrong places at the wrong times. ALMOST Thank God, I have not been hurt. I'm knocking on my head (wood) because it could have happened. In fact I'm adding "Mace" to the contents of my purse. In regards to my "friend" he was a learning experience that all girls experience. So I learned. I do rely heavily on my bartender friends in those circumstances. On the other hand, I used to be one of those who would put on her profile "not interested in men". That was until I met a guy one night I desperately wish I had not rejected so quickly. I have the story written down and I will try to get it on my blog posts as it is quite lengthy. The moral to the story was he rode a classic Triumph and I would have left with him. But I didn't. He knew I was TG. I found you can't stereotype again a couple days ago. Tuesday night this week was completely different in my usual sports bar because I spent almost the whole evening conversing with guys. One I've known for almost a year from there and the second was introduced to me by the first. The third is just a casual exchange of chat or sports. They all know of me. I never take any conversation farther than I believe they want it to go and approach them as a woman. NEVER any sexual statements. My conversation is all about them. What do they do, how do they do it and how about their family. The bottom line is (I guess) they know I'm not a girl, but I kind of look like one and maybe act like one a little better. It obviously doesn't bother them to be seen with me in a crowded bar so I must be doing something right. Wow! How did I get so wordy with all of this? Sorry! Thanks again for your concern! Cyrsti

Back to a time of confusion and loneliness and innocence. I was on a simple journey across town when I saw a woman walking down a long drive to her mail box. For some reason my mind flipped back to the days when a trip to the mailbox in what makeup and clothes I could scratch together gave me my first tentative steps out the door as a girl. The driveway became a different dimension. In reality it was probably about 75 yards, but during my walks it magically transformed into a mile or shortened to ten feet. If my distant neighbors happened to drive by it was the mile for sure! If I had just shaved my legs and wore a skirt, the journey was way too short! This time of my life was similar to so many of you others. Al Gore had not yet invented the internet and I was fairly sure I was the only boy with my hobby. Currently, so many of our blog posts are into life and death struggles with spouses HRT and the like. Why wouldn't they be? We didn't choose this particular aspect of ourselves to be so difficult and pervasive. It is a struggle! But what was your magical moment of excitement of youth that you remember the most? A time before all of this got to be so difficult and demanding. Maybe it was your first walk down that driveway or that first Halloween party. I'm sure that moment is one to remember!

A great post! Thanks. Leads credence to not being a victim! You miss so much!

Good stuff! You are exactly right...don't assume anything to quickly! Listening is an art form...working on it. What did you say? lol cyrsti

Amie The mother connection with kids like us is a great avenue to explore. I've done a small post about it on another site. I'll bring it over for your comments. Thanks so much.

On occasion, I do become tired of people asking me why I dress the way I do. It's getting to the point where I can predict when it's going to happen. Recently, I've gone through a period of no recognition of my gender and no questions. I felt it had to end and tonight it did. I wasn't over dressed as I made my way through the evening with jeans, flip flops and a bunch of curly red hair. All in all, a very uneventful evening until the young blond in knee socks, short flippy skirt and tank top showed up. All legs and hair. I was watching my MLB team and the bar's version of "American Idol" was going on in a side room. After a while she came up and sat down beside me and started some innocent chat. Before long she said "what's your story"I knew where she was going and I bounced the line back to her. "Are you one of the performers?"( An obvious reference to her outfit.) It turns out she works for a "pub" concept in the area and she was wearing her uniform. Which by the way she quickly apologized for! Inwardly flattered that she was talking to me, I finally came up with a couple lines to answer her question. I simply told her that I am a very harmless creature..but very exotic. Please be careful of the pronouns you use with me. I'm not your "he" and I'm not your "she" refer to me by my name. What you see could be false but what you hear from me probably isn't. Her questions were answered but not her curiosity. I received an invite to her pub and left with the satisfaction of knowing I had finally verbalized what I felt all these years. The only question I didn't have an answer to was "where can I get one of those skirts!'

Following a surprise encounter with a guy in a very straight sports/bar restaurant the other night, I sought advice from a female bartender I know. I was very unsure of how I handled the situation. He caught me with an approach and a comment that most females probably encounter at the age of 14 (or less). I was with a GG friend and she left. He started quickly and aggressively with questions about her and then moved in on me. So quickly, I didn't have much time to make much of a value judgment of his personality. First came the drink offer and "why was I so shy?" He was reasonably attractive and well dressed but something just didn't seem right about him. My regular bartender wasn't there that night. The two of us have developed some really effective non verbal communication with our eyes. Information that would have told me a lot. Not having that resource and low on my drink, I didn't take a chance with him and took off. What a quick journey that night to the other side of the curtain! Following major soul searching about the experience, I labeled myself inexperienced, naive and ignorant. Inexperienced because I don't have the life experiences from a girl's side of the fence. I was never forward enough as a guy to make the approach he did so I had no point of reference from either gender. I was naive to think I could project as a relatively attractive single female in that arena and not get some sort of reaction. After all, where had I been my whole life...well not in that situation! Finally, ignorance is always not stupidity. I had never encountered that experience so I was ignorant in how to handle it. As my friend's knowledge of the situation grew (she probably had the same conversation about guys with girlfriends a thousand times over the years) She told me one solution for the next time. Always use the cell phone as a prop and tell him I'm waiting for my partner and SHE will be here shortly! I did feel better when she told me she knew who I was talking about and she thought he was a creep.

Thank YOU Amie. Being dressed up and feeling sexy is all part of the fun. Right? You look great and I'm sure others will see you as you wish them to. Just takes "growing into it" None of us had the advantage of years of "practice"! What's the saying "life's a journey, not a destination?" Or something like that! Cyrsti

Let me preface this entry by saying my wife passed away a couple years ago. It was her love and perseverance that glued our 25 year marriage together. This is one of the questions she asked that helped me be the person I am today. She would want me to "pay forward" this experience to any who can use it. Many years ago, my wife indirectly asked me this question. "Are you man enough to be a woman?" This is how it happened. We were living in an area directly above NYC. I was still a novice in most girl situations but learning fast. You might say I became the proverbial teen age girl. I started to test some deep waters. My wife knew of all my activities before our relationship, but in all fairness to her (and me) we didn't see the train coming down the tracks. In the space of a couple months I went from a "dress at home girl" to "go out and party girl". It all started when I was almost refused entrance to a TG event on Long Island. The woman at the door told me I was in the wrong place and they didn't let "real" single girls in. Shortly after that I attended a Halloween party in a bar with about 4 tall beautiful women dressed about as sleezy as I was. I knew I was going with one but not 4! They gave me the "bitch" look when I hit the door and it was on! God I was in heaven as the 5 of us hit the door in heels and mini's. They made sure I mingled and danced with guys and everything. Over the next month of so, a couple other minor happenings occurred and I was mentally shot. All I thought about was the next time I could "dress and go". Needless to say, this was not the award winning marriage experience my wife was looking for. Finally she said "look you are making us both miserable" Make up your mind. Man up and be a woman or not. It's your choice, it's not fair to either of us. Then she said "by the way, you make a terrible female." I was stunned! Obviously she wasn't there when I was almost turned away for being a "real girl" or when I fit right in with the GG's at the Halloween party! What the hell did she know? But you know, it wasn't about looks. She simply pointed out I had NO feminine thought patterns. As we all know being female is more than looking the part. My wife labeled me a "bitch" and didn't like me. Not immediately, but over the years my thick noggin began to realize the truth in what she said. Somewhere in my personality I managed to do my part in keeping the relationship together. I found out the hard way the time we had together was the best gift of my life. Since she departed I have done my best to be a woman she would accept! I found I could be a friend who cares and gives. She still would not approve of my clothes and makeup choices but that is who I am on the outside. I have always been. I believe she would approve of my inside being. Be it female or male, I try to be more compassionate and fun to be around! The people around me tell me I'm a good person which transcends gender. Maybe I was "man enough to be a girl". Certainly it's tough enough to face the male life challenges. I played with the Alpha's rather well. It's tougher still to move to the other side and I have no desire to play with the alpha girls! If you think I have a pretty face I'm complimented. When I move unnoticed through a young crowd in a sports bar I'm exhilarated! But deep down all that matters is inside. Maybe she would approve!

Hi! I think the most powerful communication I've learned is the total non verbal eye contact that women use. I have not experienced the looking at the man glance but have many times been included in the "that guy's an idiot" look. More importantly my bartender friends are very protective of me (thank god) and I get the "are you OK? look. Verbally some will tell me when I use a "male" descriptor or sentence. Fascinating! Thanks Admin!

How many years and tears have passed before she walked out of my head and into the world? Trial and error, starting and stopping and above all else? Observation! How many thousands of times do we read you must dress to blend and dress your age. Blah, blah blah. We must dress to be us and I'm in my 40's. I'm a faithful reader of many of the fashion mags and the excerpts we see on line. The bottom line in most age related fashion tips is you wear what is you. If you can incorporate different fashion items from different age groups into your style...then it makes you who you are. My biggest compliment comes from a woman giving me that "you bitch" look. She is not reading me, she is judging me because my hair is too long or I might be wearing too much makeup. It is not my problem if she can't or won't take the time to take care of herself and her biggest thrill of the day will come in the produce section. I found the women of my age category who "put themselves together" are out there and I love them! I can never hope to be as knock down sexy as the "Jamie's" of the world with her book on passing. But I can hope to be me and move confidently through situations I only dreamed of attempting years ago. In those moments all the error of trial and error becomes worth it!

I have been really fortunate over the past two years to really explore life as a dual gendered person. Yes, another tag to add to the others describing our "condition". This is the difference in my opinion. I'm still not "girl" enough for the SRS crew. I can't share the experience of having a baby or having a sex change operation. As with any human being, we tend to seek those out with similar experiences and exclude the rest. Many times it is not malicious just normal. In addition, I'm not ready to end my male existence. On occasion I enjoy it immensely. In many circles, I'm too much girl for the CDer's. I'm kind of like a cat. Most felines can make it on their own without us and yes I could make it without my male self. I've worked hard to present myself as female and I try to not be the bitch in these circles just because I've done more. (So to speak) You see, in a mixed crowd...the guys in a dress still shy away from me as they do the "changelings". Do you get my point? Probably, the most accepting group of all (and most of my friends) are the lesbian crowd. Many male gays are as biased against us as much as the straight males. Especially if they realize the HUGE difference in us versus the "queens". All of this is just my view on the whole situation and I just throw it out to see if any of you have similar experiences1