PlagueBubonic

I thought, because I dressed like a woman every day that ment I was becoming a woman.I was wrong. I will never be a real woman, and I know that now; yep thats right I'm a transwoman, and I proud to be one of the many! Never again will hide myself, because I'm embarrassed of myself, and the way I look. This took a lot time to come this realization, and I sure there is more to come. However this is a big step for me and my path toward to transwoman hood. I never want to fool anybody ever again like I did for many years while I hid my gender identity disorder; I did this out of ingorance. I know this was wrong for I hurt people I love, and care about, and this is a hard pill to swallow! But I will get it down. I'm tired of look down when people walk by me; I have to get over this fear if I want to progress, I know this. I wish I had a answer for some of thing I'm going through,but I don't; I guess I'll figure it out the best I can along the way.There are many things that go through my mind during the day; some good some not so good. At least I stopped wanting to die, and my thinking is more focused on being kind to others; even if they are not toward me. I know that my heart condition means more then looks do, and this is another important step to becoming a transwoman. Looks will fade with time, but a good heart will never fade away! Most people are actrated to a positive person than negative one. I just wish I looked less like a guy in a wig; I hate mirrors for the reflection in it shocks me. As long as I don't look in one I know I'm a translady I feel like one too, but when I do... well you get the picture. I hate to shave nothing makes me feel more like a trangirl.<sarcasm> This is the not so good part of my thinking; O, how could I forget my hair...ba!!! What a cry baby I am ....No it just tells me I have a lot of work to do; I'm not going to stop for when I do stop I'll be dead!! I'm not ready for that yet; even if some wish it...you who wish this..too bad for you. I can just feel it things are going to turn around; I've already seen a few thing doing this. Every day in every way things are getting better, and better! If you could see my eyes you know how I feel; for the eyes are the gate way to a persons soul. My eyes show that I'm the happiest I ever been now!! I never want to go back to my old way; I will not alow this to happen. I like to share this quote, it's from M. Scott Peck 1936-2005 " Share our similarities celebrate our differences." I think that applies now for I well know I'm not alone in my thinking, as well as my journey. You know Jesus Christ said something about a journey it's found in the bible at Matthew 7:13-14. Quote: "Go in through the narrow gate;because broad and spacious is the road leading off into destruction,and many are the ones going in through it; whereas narrow is the gate and cramped the road leading off into life, and few are the ones finding it." Well I believe I found that gate, and road now and I've never felt more alive, and in control of my life. Peace Out.....=^.^= Don't you all be judge'n me!! ...LOL < joke sillies> ;)

Well Ms.Annamaria Welcome to the TGGuide, nice to have you with us!! I would never say anything bad only good, because all of us need that, but I do understand. I agree with that sug, you said,"You know sometimes you have to forget whats gone appreciate whats remains and look forward to whats coming nextl " You have a very good out look that's great; love it!! I hope to see you around the neighborhood; please feel free to express yourself anytime you wish!! Peace Out!!>^.^<

Yes I did...No more hidding for this Woman!!! I love my name, Tristina But I love Plague too ...and Tina..and ..Ms.Lori I really will never forget you all, NEVER!!!! Nor the help / support I have received here at TGGuide ...I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! REALLY!!!!!

Thank you very much Ms. Lori. I love encouragement!!! >^.^<

Well I just returned from the support group, and I can't believe it their just like me. I donot feel out of place there; just like I dont feel that way here at TGGuide. OMG!! Some of those women are so pretty, and than others are just like me..homely lol I mean average. ops-y They were talking I just kept my big trap shut.....and then one of the girls said," hay you have not said anything. Why?" I kinda pushed my hair in front of my face, and hung my head. I could not control myself....I started to cry....Another young lady took me a side, and said, "sweetie let it all out!" I didnot want to run my mascara. But I fix it kinda; they kept ask'n, "why wont you talk?" It is due to my voice I just started working on it 2 days ago. However they persisted, and I started to share.I told them this was my first time out during the day light hours; with makeup as well. They just held my hand and call me Tristina, and saying things like she, her; they just made me feel right at home, I can't believe it. Even when I had to go to the restroom they told to use the lady's room, but I told them I can't yet I don't have a note from the doctor. "Just go" they replied, I didnot want to break the law so I went to the men's restroom, and found two gentlemen in there. They didnot even bat a eye toward me; just said, " hello" and then told me the last stall was opened. One time this happend at a store I was shopping at, the guys in the rest room went nuts when I walk in!! I just thought ....Wow what a difference between people who show love, and are not afraid to express it,or those who just say it and can't even express it. I think I'm going to be OK there I really do! O, Yes the neats thing, happend at end of the session the one lady who took me aside Gave me a big hug and told to stop being sorry for everything...What a sweet gesture, I thought. Well I go back again on Saturday, but now I know whats there; maybe friends that make you feel good about myself....The point of this blog is if you are thinking about going to a trans support group check them out first and go I think you may be very happy if you do. The first part of this blog which was done last night I should have called it "diary of a mad transwoman." I really worked myself up over all this; Which turned out to be nothing...Silly Plague!! I thank God, and all you my friends here at TGGuide I could not have done it with your support either thank you all!! Peace out!! >^.^<

Tomorrow I'm going to my first support group meeting for transwomen; this is at 14:00 hours. I'm down right scared, I'm really shy around people untill I get to know you. <yep then you can't shut Plague up> I guess when I get nervous I play round a bit much. People are going to see me, and their going to think.... ? What a ugly..... ? Maybe not; I don't really know,but no matter what, I'm going! I cannot let what other's think of me worry me. I mean, I going out all over the place; as I am a chica. yes people stare at me, however I pay them no mind. Even when I bump into people I knew; their like WTF is up with you?? Some tell me I'm damed, others tell me to get away from them, and then there's the old I'm going to Hell bit. when I go to the support group I have to see these folks every week. I hope I can fit in, I hope they don't tell me to leave, because I look, and sound odd. I mean I'm used to the abuse, phyical pain I eat that for lunch, but this ? Maybe I making to much out of this, I just don't know how to act yet; I feel like I still have so much work to do before I sit down and see, talk, and listen to other people. For the first time in my life I'm unsure of myself; I've only been out full time for only about 8 months. Heavens to Betsy How's a Transwoman to act?? O God, makeup! Crap!! What to ware? my hair!! <Plague rolls her eyes> I freaking out, Really!!! I guess if some reads this their going to think...What a cry baby!!! How can I make you understand, I'm used to hidding from people not seeing them every week!! I know at first everyone's nice, but then when a little time goes by ....people usually tell me to go. They just can't take my crap any more; the story of my life. FYI thats why I call my self Plague. Just like a plague you don't want, and you try to get rid of it. A misfit,throw-a-way that's what I am! Boy! This really got nagtive in a hurry!! <Deep breath> Ok instead of looking at this as something to get worried about, it could turn out really good too. I'm just going to Girl-Up be myself, stop freaking out, and show everyone a little LOVE! Now that's more like it!! I may not know how a TG woman is to act ..So I'll just be ME, and that's OK! Sorry if this blog disturbs anyone I didnot mean to do that. I just want to keep a diary, or journal of my transition. The good, and the bad; I don't want to pull me punches, just be honest as possible. I think this quote, I read applies here it's for Ms. Lucy Montgomery,"In this world you've just got to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, and take whatever God sends." Thats just what I'm going to do in this case....Again, I do apologize if I offended anyone. I just really want to fit in at the support group. Well that's it, till have something else to blog about....Peace Out..>^.^<

Well Ms.Dainna, a)Most laws are put in to place to keep the populous safe,However this thing of which you speak of is ment to decimate,humiliate,and lower self esteem. that's my feeling on the matter. Yes you are right about rules...they stink! I really don't understand this question...a little help....define what you mean please Ms.Dainna ....I'm not to sure do you mean the sex you are born as, or the sex feel you should be?? I'm just not clear on the matter, sorry. c) I think we both do.... thank you sug :)

Well what do I mean by the term, "cleaning out the closet" I mean the, "mental closet." This step is the most important one, that I found in my research, of how to transition from male to female. I remembered a lesson, I was tought by a student of Bruce Lee's; who I was being trained by. He tought me to try to achieve the "oneness" this is where a person lines themself up, Physicaly,mentaly, and spiritual.This is very important, when learning any of the marshal arts. So I trying to get in balance again. Transtion is what you, the individual makes of it; and I'm learning just what to make of it, that's why I'm cleaning out my closet. I'm not afraid of failure, it's just one step closer to success! This is my feelings on the matter. I found that I am kinda stuck at a androgynous stage, but thats ok for now. I'm making a little progress though; I found that if I wear a bra not a sports bra; I have breast. So when I go anywhere I wear my bra, I have gotten used to my girls. However, this makes my chest stand out more, and therefore attract more attension to myself. This is something I don't want to do. It does make a little more passable though. Thats where I was going with this; accepting myself for who I am..this is part of the cleaning process I figure. I'm not trying to fool anyone just trying to, live my life the way I want to present myself, and be happy doing it. I know I'm a full-time woman now, and the closet is less cluttered, as well.The other part of the cleaning is to work is on my heart condition, which I do by helping other people. I don't know if I've touch someone or not, but I'll keep trying for I know this is the meaning to life. To be more self-sacificing this will help me to express my love better, and I just want to do that. So I have more cleaning to do, however I'm getting more confortable each, and every time I go out that front door.Building one's selfesteem is something every girl / woman learns form their mothers; I for my part will learn this to; even though my mother is dead now. Peace Out for now!!... PS... Please, enjoy your life...for it is far to short.

I read a article, Ms. Beth had posted in the forum. The story was about a transwoman, who looked at her change as a blessing. After, meditating on this thought I too look at it as a blessing because, it makes us unique ie different; we standout from the crowd. I always knew I was speical some how, but I just did not quite know how to express it; till I read that woman's story. She helped me to see we are all special! How we need to support each other, love each other, and be there for each other. This is regardless how I may personaly feel, about the other person actions, and convictions. The story taught me we must stay united! You know, that back in the early 70's the African American people adopted the term brother and sister for each other. Why? you wonder, to keep them united, and because they all had a common goal to end inequality, and injustices done against them as a whole. We too need to put a end to the injustices, and end inequality; we need to be taken seriously. So I going to take a page for the African American play book, I'm going to look at all LGBT/Crossdressers/Gender Neutral people as my brothers, and my sisters. Even if we do not agree on every issue; you will be my Sister, or Brother; even if you don't like me; you will be my Brother, or Sister. I understand that, WE MUST STAY UNITED to keep on the path to victory! No matter what! We have that goal in common; VICTORY!!! I know the only way to defeat us is to break us a part....We must not squabble over miner issues. Furthermore, we need to keep our eyes on the prize! That means even if you disgree with my opinion it does not matter, what does matter is we stay united! All of us. Well thats my New Years resolution; I intend to keep this one....LOL

Yep, it is the end of the year; Wow! Am I glad it is over! What a year I had. I got into legal trouble, lost my house, trucks and have to pay $200,000.00 restitution; Oh yes can't forget 5 years probation, and you have to pay that bill too. I'm telling you, if this is not enough; then add the fact I have to live with in-laws for a while.... Pass the bullet! Please. At my age most people are look'n ahead to the golden years. I'm look'n for a box, a hole,and dirt! This year I also, decided to stop hidding my true self...that's right, Out I Came! No more closet time!! This is the best thing I did all year long; for now no more secrets, and sneaking around,finally! So for me this is a very special New Year....Life Starts Now!!! I'm hoping, and praying this year, will be my year of mercy, love,and courage. I'm going to need all three from what I understand. Researching transition, and seeing the brave people that have come before me I can see this is not an easy path. But good things don't come easy, it takes effort, and strength. I'm so happy that I foundTGGuide, and made some friends too. I also have a psychiatrist and she's wonderful, helpful and very understanding. I can't wait to find a transgender support group they have called me, and I look forward to meeting them soon. So things are starting to come together; the material stuff can be replaced, that did not define me, nor make me a better person. However, my being true to myself will, Yes it will! Make me a better person, inside and, to be around. Now I'm not going to lie, because this is a new beginning; that means there are losses involved. I've lost friends, family, and my gender identity; which was wrong anyway. So this is my starting point; this is a fresh start! I know I'm going to gain everything back plus more. It may just take a while, but that's what I have plenty of time! So yes indeed this is going to be a new year for me, and I look forward to it, a brand new frontier! This is probably why I can face this year coming up with a huge smile on my face, and in my heart. I have no fear, I have to get past that so love can occupy,and fill my heart. This is how I choose to face the new year, I know that blessings lie ahead; I'm just so excited! To see how this year turns out, but for now I'll have to take it one step at a time; one day at a time and keep a song in my heart, and a smile on my face. I will not surrender! To the negative side of my thinking. Peace Out!! =^.^=

The other day something happened to me? I just did'nt quite know how to take it? The reason is all my life I tryed to hide it. However, I cannot do that any more. I FREAK-OUT when I saw that my chest grew a lot! I guess I did notice it right a way? Now theres no hidding them I have girls now! I don't know if this has happend to someone eles ? I' mean I 'm not on hrt yet, and I not doing/taking anything to make them grow. I do take vitamins but that's it so, where did the girls come from???Like I said, I have had chesticles all my life,ya they were large for a man...but now...holy cow!! I felt kinda funny at first; now I'm getting used to them, but it is almost imposable to hide them! And I don't look passable yet! What to do .....what to do.... Right now I just keep them hid with big shirts & sports bra,however they still stand out. Maybe I'll try a big jacket for now?? I mean don't get me wrong I love them, but not looking the way I do right now. What to do?? Well that's todays dilemma, if anybody can help I will appereciate it very much. thank you Peace out

Thank you very much for writing this Ms.Lori; it really makes a differance to me. I just when to a bad place for a moment. This is why I don't like to be left alone <I hope you understand this> the demons just creep in to my head and .....I wish I clould make them stop. any way I do appereciate your message and I try what you suggested thank you >^.^< Peace Out