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Emma

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Blog Entries posted by Emma

  1. Emma
    As some of you may know I'm on a rather extended road trip through the end of February, having stayed in San Diego (Chula Vista) for a couple of weeks, and am now in Mesa, Arizona. Why am I on this trip? My wife and I felt that it would be good for both of us, to provide some space for us to clear our heads and consider our future. 
    The first week and a half were pretty emotional and rough for me. I kept falling into a funk as I felt lonely and sad. Traveling by myself isn't the best (no one to share adventures with) and leads to all sorts of mind games, rehashing the past, assuming the worst for the future, all that. 
    A few days ago my fog lifted and it's not returned. I'm not manic or whatever, just calm and centered. Part of it is that I am simply accepting my transgender nature. (Yeah, I know you've heard it before but I mean it this time!) At the risk of upsetting the karma I am liking myself and how I feel, as a trans woman who may not need to present as such outwardly but knows who she is internally. I've been reading Harry Benjamin's "The Transexual Phenomenon" which, while over 50 years old, offers helpful insights into the spectrum of transgender people. I wish there was a similar book published more recently. (If you know of one please let me know.) 
    I'm also grateful that I can even have this experience. Most people probably can't afford it. I'm staying in KOA "Kamping Kabins" that are about $65/night, and I prepare almost all of my food so I'm keeping expenses down. It does get chilly at night so I bundle up and get cozy. I've driven over 1,200 miles so far and spent about $100 on gas; thanks Prius!
    I'm also grateful that I've been receiving such warm affirmations from friends and family lately: Bree, Michael, Monica, Jack, David, Paul, Dara, Joanna, Rob, and Glenn. It helps so much to be able to talk to them on the phone or via email from time to time and not just about TG stuff. 
    That's about it for now. I'm in Mesa until Friday and then driving to Flagstaff, which while more northern appears that the temperature will be livable for me.
    Best wishes to all,
    Emma
  2. Emma

    On Coming Out

    By Emma,

    Coming out has been quite a journey for me. The first person I came out to was my therapist in 2014 and later that year my (now ex) wife. In 2015 I came out to several others, mostly therapists and people who participated in local trans groups. Toward the end of 2016 I came out individually to my two sons as well as a couple of friends. Last summer I sent an email to about 100 friends and colleagues, letting them in on my little secret. Yesterday was the biggest day thus far.
    Yesterday I updated my name, gender, and profile photo on Facebook. And an hour later I pulled the same ripcord on LinkedIn. I think now I'm about as out as I'll ever be. I've never felt as at peace and happy and proud to be me as I am now. Such a huge weight has been lifted off of my head and brain. 
    Funny story: before changing my FB presence I talked to my ex-wife for a couple of hours yesterday morning about all sorts of stuff but she didn't bring up the email I'd sent her informing her of my intention to change my FB name. So I brought it up. Her reply, "Oh that, good for you!"
  3. Emma

    Am I a Woman?

    By Emma,

    Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle.
    My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an unattainable standard."
    That triggered me. I was delighted that she sees me as another woman, at least mentally. But it's habitual that I wonder how does she know? Is she saying that just to be kind? And more importantly, what am I, really?
    I think we all wish that we can be "fixed" of our anxieties, to be rid of them. I'm learning that this just doesn't happen. We need to learn to live with them. Maybe this quote from Brene Brown's recent "Braving the Wilderness" will help:
    "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.
    True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."
  4. Emma

    Girlfriend

    By Emma,


    Emma
    Almost two months ago I received a message on a dating app: "You have a warm smile." I checked out her profile and we started messaging back and forth. In and of itself this was so amazing for me. I was on a half-dozen dating apps (the usual suspects) and mostly received messages that someone had looked at my profile. So what? They didn't hang out, follow up with me, did they? 
    Also, of late, I've felt more satisfied with being single. Not resigned to it. Actually, pretty happy. But has so often happened in the past: when I'm not looking for love it flies in unexpectedly. And when I am looking for love it's probably best that I not find it because I'm carrying baggage.
    So, this woman and I made plans to talk on the phone for the first time. In preparation for that I reviewed her profile again. I wanted things to ask her about. I then looked at mine. I noticed that all of the text blocks said "in review." I'd been on that site for a couple of months. Why "in review"? And did that mean that people couldn't read my text where I unequivocally inform that I am transgender? I wasn't sure and decided to go ahead with our call and see if I could find out.
    That evening on the phone we had a great and fun conversation, with all sorts of topics. At one point she said, "So, when you were a girl..." Wow! Did this mean she saw (in my photos), voice, and tone me as a cis woman? I thought about asking her but didn't want to disrupt the flow of our conversation. We signed off after an hour and agreed to meet the following weekend for a coffee.
    Later that same evening I knew that I needed to put my cards on the table. It wasn't fair to her or me if there was any confusion about who I really am. I sent a text message to her, advising her that although she may be unaware that I am transgender. I wasn't apologetic, just frank in a friendly way. She quickly responded: she didn't care one way or the other.
    In the following weeks we've gotten together much more, for coffee, dinners at each other's homes, watching movies on TV. We're getting to know one another. So far so good! I think it's good that I wasn't in a needy place when we met. Although I still think of the future and hope for the best we never know what the future will bring. It's best to just stay in the moment and enjoy the ride...
  5. Emma

    How To Be A Lady

    By Emma,

    Life's good for me here in Seattle. Friends, acquaintances, ... so many delightful connections and living in such a wonderful environment. I occasionally have an internal struggle (maybe too strong a word) with my being trans. On the one hand, everywhere I go I am greeted and interacted with as a woman. My lesbian friends assure me that I'm certainly accepted and seen/heard as a woman. 
    And yet about a week ago I was at a (cis woman) friend's house and I mentioned that I missed being able to travel due to Covid. I said that I wondered how I would be accepted and treated outside the Seattle area "bubble" that we live in. Through her body language and expression she confirmed that it was at least somewhat evident that I'm trans and that yes, she also wondered how I'd get along outside of, say, the West Coast, as compared with her. 
    I thought about this off and on for a few days. I've come to recognize that no matter what I'll always be transgender. And maybe I'm loved for that too. I went to ballet yesterday as I do twice a week (they only allow five students per class due to the virus; I'm one of the director's favorites!) and enjoyed the sincere warm feelings I share with the instructor and several of the others. 
    On the train to/from ballet I wrote this in my phone:
    How To Be A Lady
    I started my transition three years ago. So many frightening hurdles and self-conscious steps. Some reversible, some small, some irreversibly committed to like a ski jumper launching her downhill acceleration run, but without practice or previous experience. Too many to count. 
    At the start I didn’t have a clear vision of my goals although as I progressed through therapy, presentation refinements, voice and behavior coaching, medical therapies, and surgeries, I found my deep seated need to be fully female internally as well as to the outside world. 
    My friends, mostly cisgender lesbians, repeatedly assured me that I was unequivocally a woman. But these days I am coming to the realization that no matter what I do, how well I pass, I am always transgender.
    Like ones sexuality, skin color, cultural background, education, or life, being trans isn’t my primary identity. I am a lady then and now. I arrived here by a different route than cisgender women, but I’m here all the same.
    If I’m going to see the future I want, I need to live and breathe it.

  6. Emma

    "Serenity Now!"

    By Emma,

    Remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry's father kept yelling "Serenity now!" when he was upset and about to lose it? Very funny show.

    I'm not very religious and don't attend church.. I was raised Episcopalian, attended a church school for 6th and 7th grades, and my parents often had us recite the Serenity Prayer or the Lords Prayer before dinner. I think the prayer was for my benefit... I remember how earnestly I repeated the words in the Serenity Prayer, hoping that my emphasis would gain me that serenity that I wanted so much. It never seemed to work although I suppose we might speculate on how I would have been had I not said those words at all.

    These days the Serenity Prayer has come to mind a few times. I think it's a wonderful prayer and says so much in only a few words:

    Lord, grant me the serenity
    To accept the things I cannot change
    The courage to change the things I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    Each of these four lines says so much and they are hard to achieve. I would like more serenity. I think I'm getting better at accepting the things I cannot change, such as:

    - I was born male.
    - I am transgender.
    - I cannot control my wife's acceptance or behavior toward me.

    In the third line I'm starting to understand why my therapist (and even my wife) have said that I'm being courageous. I didn't really believe it, but I suppose I am demonstrating that:

    - I'm coming out to myself and acknowledging my being transgender.
    - I'm coming out to my therapist (which was damned hard).
    - I'm coming out to my wife.
    - Heck, I'm even coming out here. That was hard at first. I worried a lot about saying the wrong thing, or creating misunderstandings.

    I suppose that by listing the things in the acceptance and change buckets one develops the wisdom to know the difference. Maybe the thing to do is to consider things that I'm now not able to distinguish. I'll have to think about that a bit.

    Be well,

    Emma
  7. Emma

    No Big Deal - Mea Culpa

    By Emma,

    When I first wrote about No Big Deal I thought I could make a point that would be helpful. In the second post I felt that the Bigness of the Big Deal should be measured by comparison of "intrinsic" vs. "sociological" needs. Now, though, I'm embarrassed to have written any of this.

    Behind the scenes a friend pointed out that for her (a cisgender woman SO) it's all about her preference, comfort, and desires. And when I read that I realized how meaningless my previous posts were.

    I'd like to close this by saying that No Big Deal may very well be: a Very Big Deal for some SOs, a Little Problem for others, No Biggie for still more, and (going out further on the limb here) the measure of its importance isn't static, it may change depending on circumstance, attitudes, and presentation.

    I think the one important and overriding truth is that communication between the partners is everything, especially if one hopes to achieve No Big Deal.

    And that, my friends, is all I'm going to say about that. Well, at least for now.

    P.S. As embarrassed as I am I would like to acknowledge TG Guide's member's tolerance and patience as I worked this out. No one bashed me in public or private. Remarkable! Thank you. :-)
  8. Emma
    This post has nothing to do with transgender so you can tune out if you wish; It's about my almost-27 year old son. Since he was five or six he's been very independent, stubborn, and willful, making lots of challenges for me and his mother (we're divorced). He's also bright, attractive, and has a wonderful personality... when he's not depressed and sour.

    A couple of days ago he told me that his mother is going to stop paying the rent on his cheap apartment. He wasn't asking me to pick it up, as he knew I would not. Essentially what happened is that for at least the past year or two she's been paying the rent each month, saying "Okay, I'll do it again this time, but this is really the last time. You must get a job, you know you can. Just do it and hold on to it." Instead he played video games, watched TV, surfed the Web, smoked marijuana, hung out, or stayed in bed, depressed. So now, finally, he's really going to be cut loose. To sink or swim.

    He and I don't yell or fight. We enjoy each other's company, I pay for a burger and a beer, and we talk. He easily acknowledges his part in all this. And now he feels that despite the fact that he has a couple of weeks to get a job he's planning to be homeless. He told me that he thinks this will finally teach him the value of money, his things, and so forth.

    Oh sure, we talked about all the downsides of being homeless. He did it once before about ten years ago for a couple of weeks. But after a lot of talk and his (to me) rather strange confidence in this plan, I told him it's his decision. I told him how much I worry about him, getting robbed/beat-up/murdered, sick, thrown in jail, etc. Also, I worry about me: that I just know that within a month or two he will call and say that he just has to have $50. Or that he's in jail and needs bail. And I will have to say no.

    My mother (yes, the one who committed suicide) is the one who taught me, "Sometimes the most loving thing to say is No" and I think she was quite right. I told my son this, too, and he agreed that I should tell him no. And he also said that he's pretty sure that in fact he will still probably call to ask for the cash. And he knows I'll say no.

    Jeez, it's taken so long for us to get to this juncture. I started saying no to him and his mom after the 3rd or 4th attempt at college: "This time really, I'm committed, I'll do it!" A couple of years ago I offered him this: if he pays for his classes and books, I will reimburse him as follows: for an A he would receive 100%; a B gets 75%, and a C is worth 50%. Anything less is zero. He's tried to do that a couple of times; I paid 100% for a pottery class once. I don't care what classes he takes. Just learn something.

    He also assured me yesterday that no matter what he has no plans or thoughts about suicide. He will figure something out. I sure hope so.

    Tough love. It is tough to love. By the way, this has all been reviewed with a variety of therapists and counselors over the years. I'm sure I could have done a better job back when he was a child. My wife says no, but I am sure of it. But I really did do the best I could.

    Emma
  9. Emma

    Struggling with Labels

    By Emma,

    This morning I came across this wonderful post on Joanna Santos' blog: https://joannabefree.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-own-coming-out.html I know we don't typically reference sites off of TGG but I feel this is important.
    There, she posts a video that really resonated with me, that labels such as gay, male, white, transgender, etc., may set us up for "us vs. them" feelings, thus leading to isolation and our considering ourselves only within that label, which is only a part of our overall self. 

    I've recently been thinking, okay I am transgender but that is not all that I am. But it kind of felt that way. Worse, I fear my wife feels this way, too. It's as if my being trans is the only thing now. And neither of us want that.
    In the video the person (can't recall his name) makes the point that if we say "I have gender dysphoria" that we can more naturally consider things like:

    1. How will I accept, manage, and live with my gender dysphoria?
    2. What does gender dysphoria mean for me in the context of my total life?

    I think that is healthy to consider. I recently came out to a couple of our friends as transgender. They were okay with it at least to my face but now I think I may return to them and refine myself as "I'm me, with gender dysphoria." I mean, who cares what the label is? I'm simply working on ways to manage my dysphoria (which is undeniable) and be happy as a total person, with my wife, friends, and doing whatever it is that we do. 
  10. Emma

    On "Tolerance"

    By Emma,

    I've been coming out to professionals, friends, and family, over the past few months, and yesterday evening I decided to send an email to a male friend. I've been apprehensive about telling him I'm transgender because I have sensed that he may be less understanding than others and might say something hurtful. Nevertheless I sent the email that covered all the bases: my gender-related desires and feelings since preschool, my shame and depression, and how it all adds up to the fact that I am transgender. I felt it was comprehensive but not too long and I hoped that as a friend I've seen for a dinner every month for more than ten years he'd understand and express sincere support.  
    Here's what I received:
    "Well, I hope that there was nothing that I said or did over the years that made you think that I would be hostile or unaccepting or anything like.  I try to be tolerant and I hope that I seem tolerant too.
    Anyway, none of what you wrote is offputting or means that you're stuck from the "friend" list.  I don't want to say something that will be misinterpreted, but the sexual proclivity or gender choice  (I realize that these are two different things) of my friends just doesn't matter any more than their height or color or whatever.  (Now, if you came out and said that you voted for Trump, that might be a problem.)  "
    Maybe I'm being too sensitive - it wouldn't be the first time - but I needed to clear at least one thing up, so here's what I wrote back to him:
    "No, there was nothing you ever said or did that particularly worried me. Sharing my secret is tough, that's all. It's like finally admitting to a lie. 
    Not to put too fine a point on it, but let me say that it's not a proclivity or a choice. I agree that it's like hair color or height, or being gay for that matter; modern science agrees that it's biological. I was just born this way. It's a tough row to hoe."
    Although I know that emails and written "conversations" are fraught with misunderstanding I wanted to be clear that being transgender is certainly not a choice. He hasn't responded yet but as I think about it this morning I think all will be okay.
    That said, overnight I mulled his use of the word "tolerant" as if hey, he's tolerant so isn't that good or righteous? It came to me this morning that it is not: I tolerate a spider on the ceiling, a few dust bunnies in the corner, and dirty dishes in the sink after dinner. But eventually I grab the stepstool and a tissue to nab the spider, vacuum the room, and wash the dishes. So yes, tolerance is better than hate or rejection, but it's not enough.
    I don't know exactly what is enough but tolerance isn't it. In an ideal world being transgender would be like having blue eyes or blond hair - not even thought about by most, perhaps appreciated by some. But we don't live in an ideal world so I feel that I have to come up with a compromise. Maybe and especially from friends and family I'd like to hear that, regardless of my being transgender, they love and support me. I don't think that's too much to ask.
  11. Emma

    EMAGINE

    By Emma,

    A couple of months ago while driving north in Oregon I thought of a custom license plate for me: "EMMAGINE." Unfortunately the DMV only accepts 7 characters or fewer so I dropped an M. I love it!

  12. Emma
    I started reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle a couple of days ago. She's putting into words so much of what I know in my deepest recesses to be true for me but have been unable to vocalize. She's not trans, she's a "late in life lesbian, about 45.
    She writes about how women—especially—are trained from a young age to fit into society's expectations and largely, to passively accept the limitation of their true selves to fit those molds. As trans people we all share this, don't we? Since 4 or 5 years old I struggled so hard to be what I was supposed to be. Such a mess, so much depression, shame and loss. 
    "... good enough is what makes people drink too much and snark too much and become bitter and sick and live in quiet desperation until they lie on their deathbed and wonder: What kind of life/relationship/family/world might I have been if I'd been braver?
    The building of the true and beautiful means the destruction of the good enough. Rebirth means death. Once a truer, more beautiful vision is born inside of us, life is in the direction of that vision. Holding on to what is no longer true enough is not safe; it's the riskiest move because it is the certain death of everything that was meant to be. We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated. Our next life will always cost us this one. If we are truly alive, we are constantly losing who we just were, what we just built, what we just believed, what we just knew to be true."
    Of course we're all fearful of losing what we have despite our sacrifices to maintain that "good enough" life. And it's not all about being trans, determining what that means for each of us, and following our gender journeys. It's about learning to listen to our deepest feelings and acting on them.
    We really do only have this one life to live. Will you accept good enough? 
  13. Emma

    My First Bra Fitting

    By Emma,

    I remember hearing that Nordstrom is trans-friendly and offered free bra fittings. But also, back then, I was terrified at the thought. I knew it might happen some day but when that day came I'd know that I'd have to have really come into my own in a much more secure way. 
    I've only purchased my bras on Amazon. They fit okay, and weren't that expensive. I measured myself with a band size of 38 and as my mother's was 34 I thought I was in the right ballpark. The first cup size was C because that's the size I felt was more ideal for my body size and here again, it was the same as my mom's. Later, I decided to go for size B since it may be that that's the best I'll be able to naturally grow into at my age.
    About a week ago I decided that I was sick and tired of one bra strap constantly falling down my arm, the band binding around my chest, and decided that it was time to go to Nordie's. I called and made an appointment. All went fine and easy. Yesterday (Valentine's Day) I met with a 20-something woman in the lingerie department. I wasn't particularly nervous, mostly just excited. We went into a private changing room, she asked me what I was looking for. I wanted to buy three bras that fit: black, beige, and white. I took off my top and she measured my band size at 36. Wow! 
    She then brought in several different ones, helped me with them. She didn't rush me at all, and had zero problem with my questions or not liking some of them. I eventually bought five: beige, white, light pink, and violet, and a black exercise bra. Oh, and a very pretty summer-weight robe, chemise, and pajama pants: gotta be ready for Spring, right?
    Amazing it was such a small bag for $500. But, you know, I'm very happy knowing that now I am wearing a pretty bra that fits, just for me. I don't know how much more Nordstrom shopping I can afford; Nordstrom Rack is more like it. But now I know what size to look for! 
    Happy Valentines!
  14. Emma

    As the Pink Fog Clears

    By Emma,

    The "Pink Fog" (aka, Gender Euphoria) is something many of us experience as we come into our transgender selves. It feels great, similar to the infatuation of a new love interest. For me I've wondered at times if I'm chasing it which brings up worries that I'm following something akin to the path of an addict instead of my true nature.
    This came up for me yesterday morning when I read a story in a friend's blog of a 20-something AMAB person who got so caught up in his being a somewhat effeminate gay man that, with encouragement and advice, he transitioned socially. After some period of living as a woman (a year?) he decided to detransition. Thankfully he'd not embarked on only permanent changes. He now lives comfortably as a somewhat effeminate gay man. 
    Later in the morning I was working on my house, finishing doors, installing shelving, that sort of thing, wearing of course my old Levi's 501's (no point in staining my skinny jeans!) and a sweatshirt, my hair in a ponytail. My gender was nowhere on my mind but I contemplated that story. I was comfortable doing my work. Dara Hoffman-Fox has made the point (which I agree with) that just because we like "masculine" activities such as motorcyling, woodworking, etc., that's perfectly okay for women. I reassured myself while doing the work. 
    In the early afternoon I changed my clothes to go out for some errands, including a run to the lumber store. I dressed in my skinny jeans, a form-fitting REI top, earrings, and a little lipstick. I felt good about myself as I drove to the stores. In Trader Joe's I ran into a woman checker that I've gotten to know a little in one of the aisles. She'd just gotten off work. We talked for ten minutes, she's lesbian and about to be married, I'm trans, we share worries about Trump/Pence/Pompeo/Sessions, that sort of thing. She accepts me, we connected and reminded each of other of our names. At the lumber store a man who often helps me assisted me in selecting moldings and as he was ringing me up a woman checker (who happens to be lesbian) I've also worked with there came over to join our chat. I showed them a photo of closet doors I've built out of spruce. 
    Still later I made a spur of the moment decision to walk to a local restaurant for one of my favorite things: reading my book while enjoying a hot chocolate with brandy. The manager's a woman I've gotten to know a little who's very friendly and appreciates the small amount of business I bring to them. 
    Every day is my "transgender day of visibility." I don't think I look bad, and sure I'd like to pass much better. I stopped wearing foundation several weeks ago. I wore it before almost like a badge to add clarity that I was presenting as a woman. I guess it worked but of late I don't think it's necessary and is a hassle to remove.  Like a pretty dress I save it for special occasions. (I'm such a sucker for pretty dresses. I can't resist!)
    At the end of the day it remained clear to me that transitioning to female was absolutely the right thing for me to do. I feel good in my own skin and I think I have a joy that encourages people to connect with me. I feel a thrill when I get gussied up and that's perfectly normal. I also feel good when just going out and about. 
    And that's the whole point, right?

  15. Emma

    Love the One You're With

    By Emma,

    Although I live my life as a woman and am comfortable doing just about anything I still experience moments of gender dysphoria. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a women's clothing "party" at my home where a clothing line's representative presented this Fall's new clothing to myself and four other women. All of us are friends but I was so on edge, comparing myself to them, wondering how much of an imposter I was actually perceived to be. Although I ordered some pretty clothes I was pretty down for the rest of the day and through the following. 
    I talked about my feelings with everyone - individually - in the coming days. I was surprised to learn that all were also very self-conscious, also comparing themselves to the others. A couple even compared themselves to me as I'm slimmer than them. But my neighbor (Jill) said she wasn't self-conscious at all. She's pretty, about 40, and trim. But is she 'perfect'? No, but she's a delight in every way. Jill said that she decided that she's not going to compare herself, fret about any aspect of herself that she doesn't like to see in the mirror. And that got me thinking.
    This past Saturday I hiked by myself up Mt. Si (pronounced: "sigh") which is east of Seattle. I had plenty of time to think while hiking the 8 miles to the summit and back which involves 3,100' elevation gain. I thought about Jill's advice.
    "Rock what you got" came to mind. After all, I chose my middle name "Joy" to copy a young woman's middle name that I knew about 50 years ago. She was pretty and young, a little chubby with thin blonde hair, and introduced herself as "Barbara Joy-to-the-world!". So yeah, let's rock!
    I also love CSNY's song "Love the One You're With" and it occurs to me that we can turn the lyrics toward ourselves. We are with ourselves of course... all the time. So, I like that too. 
    So with that in mind I went to The Rack yesterday to buy a pair of black dress shoes to go with a black dress I'm going to wear to a formal dinner later this month. As I wandered the aisles I marveled about how much fear I felt about a year ago when a girlfriend took me to the store. Now, I'm just another shopper, enjoying a fun time. Yes, I found my shoes in size 11! $49!!!
    Below are a couple of photos. One is my cat, Peanut, playing in the bag from yesterday's shopping spree, and the other I took last night doing my impression of Einstein's famous photo.


  16. Emma
    "JUST GENDER tackles the all too often misunderstood world of transgender. The film explores the common myths and misunderstandings about transgendered people, as well as the confusion between sexual orientation and gender identity as reflected in the rigid binary view of the world generally held by society. JUST GENDER also touches on the discrimination, hardships and brutality resulting from those misconceptions and prejudices, including the numerous deaths caused by hate each year. Through the stories of transgender individuals and their spouses, friends, and allies, the film explores the confusion, the isolation, and the fear felt by many transgender persons. It also reveals their growing awareness and acceptance, and ultimately their joy in blossoming comfort as transgendered persons."

    I learned about this movie/documentary recently in the Transgender section of the Huffington Post. (Which, by the way, is excellent.) And I watched it last night. About 90 minutes long, they address many issues and questions, with transmen and transwomen and other professionals as spokespeople, that I have, my wife has, and have been raised here and elsewhere. It was very well done and in my opinion valuable for anyone, TG or not, to watch. It does cost $9.95 but it's great that you can download it to your computer so you'll have it forever.

    http://alivemindcinema.com/justgender/
  17. Emma
    I've been feeling a little blue today. Like yesterday I'm questioning myself and have a lot of fearful thoughts in my head that are hard to fight. I subscribe to emails from Leo Babauta, who writes on his site Zen Habits. He's a neat guy, with a lot of good suggestions. Just now I saw this email from him, which I copied directly below. I hope/assume he'd be okay with my doing this since I'm attributing it all to him.

    He didn't write this with people dealing with TG issues like me in mind. But the wisdom and insights apply, I think. I hope it helps me and you.

    Be well,

    Emma

    Pushing Past the Terrifying Dip in Motivation
    http://zenhabits.net/dip/

    My son, who is officially an adult in a matter of days, is facing a small crisis: the project he’s working on is not going well, and he’s ready to give up not only on the project but the career he was excited about not too long ago.

    I can feel the horrible mixture of discouragement, disappointment, difficulty, despair he must be feeling, because I’ve felt it too.

    I’ve felt this punch in the gut whenever projects or new ventures didn’t go well.

    I’ve given up, and felt the disappointment in myself.

    And I’ve pushed through this discouragement, and felt so much better. Pushing through was always better.

    So I’m here to talk about how I push past what Seth Godin calls The Dip — that slump that we all hit when things get hard, which is (sometimes) before the place where things get great.

    How do we know if we’re in a slump or if we should just quit? We don’t. There’s no way to know the future. There are times when there are a bunch of good indicators that you should quit — customers aren’t responding, the market doesn’t support your work, there are better opportunities. But the feeling you have when you’re in a dip is not a good indicator that it’s time to quit.

    The feeling wants you to quit, but often you shouldn’t. Because if you do, you’ll never get great at anything.

    How to Push Through

    What do you do if you’re demotivated and disappointed? If things aren’t going well and you want to give up because they’re so hard? When you’re confused and overwhelmed?

    Push through.

    This is the time when you can show yourself what you’re made of: you can brace yourself for a heavy load, put your head down, and push, like you’re trying to lift the barbell at the bottom of a heavy squat.

    How do you push through when you don’t feel motivated?

    You start moving. Take just one step, any step, a tiny step. Movement begets movement. Once you start moving, even a little, you feel better, you see that you’re capable, you want to move more.

    You embrace the uncertainty and discomfort. Lots of people avoid these two things, but without them, you never get good at anything. You never learn anything worthwhile. Embrace these things and grow.

    You do it not for success or some end goal, but for the sake of learning.

    You do it because you’re tired of being in the pain of disappointment and regret. You want to get out of this dark hole, because staying in it sucks.

    You start moving because you don’t want to let your life be ruled by fear. You don’t want to give up every time you face resistance.

    You let yourself be moved by curiosity: wanting to know what it’s like to get past this, to push through discomfort. You want to find out how this chapter ends. You want to learn more about yourself.

    You do it because you want to build trust in yourself, and you realize that there’s nothing more important right now than that.

    You pause and remind yourself of the reason you started in the first place: it’s not for personal success but to help people, to strengthen yourself, to inspire others, to make someone’s life a little better, to put a smile on your face. And then you ask yourself: which is more important, this reason for doing this project, or your personal comfort? And you realize that your personal comfort matters little in this case.

    You push through because every time you face uncertainty and discomfort in the future, you want to know you’re good enough to push through.

    Take the first step right now, without thought, without hesitation. You have it in you.


    Photo: a foggy morning in Kirkenes, Finland, which is near the northernmost area, well above the Arctic Circle.
  18. Emma

    On Trust

    By Emma,

    I'm not sure if this is a good idea to post. I don't like writing this because it's such a problem for me, it's a downer. But hey, maybe that's why they call it a "blog" so here goes.

    My wife was very upset at our last couples' therapy meeting, where I spelled out more details of my being transgender and asked for her support and offered some safe (to my mind) ways for us to explore and learn together. My hope was that she'd follow her heart and maybe through this exploration she'd gain knowledge that would help rationalize and conquer her fears. That fell flat.

    Last night she returned home after seeing her therapist and her psychiatrist, and told me that she was so upset that I am transexual. I told her no, I don't have current plans or forecast of changing my sex; that I'm transgender. We got into the definitions a bit, but TG is still scary since its definition includes TS. She told me that while she's not looking for divorce right now she needs space and distance, so I will stay in our guest room for the foreseeable future, which I did last night.

    While we moved around each other this morning I decided that I would not mope. While I felt entirely justified I also feel that if she's having to contend with that it would simply cloud things for her. Regardless, I'm not all sweetness and light but I did crack a couple of humorous plays on words that we both smiled at.

    When she left for work she gave me a quick kiss - which is more than last night. No "I love you" or hug, but it was something. She said we might "talk more" tonight and as I drove to the coffee shop I fretted a bit. What does "talk more" mean, exactly? What topics? What questions? What answers should I try to think through to be prepared?

    I tend to freeze up when I feel threatened in conversations like these, so I try to be prepared. I fear that my freezing (which translates into inability to answer a question cogently and right away) makes me look disingenuous or calculating, or at the least, we lose momentum in the conversation.

    I try to prepare. But it's hard to answer some questions even when I know the answers. I still find it hard to vocalize that I'm transgender. There, I said it. Please don't hate me.

    I even find it hard to convincingly say that I don't see myself as transexual. This is true as far as I know now, but in the future? Clearly, my crystal ball is cloudy.

    And what do I want right now from her? First and foremost, some big hugs and kisses. But also a stop to the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy which for us means that in no uncertain terms am I not allowed to show her any of my clothing or me in it. Not that that would be easy for me either. But the lack of acceptance (and disgust?) communicated by that directive hurts. A lot.

    I tend to display my soft underbelly, by communicating as openly as I can which includes listening carefully as if through that my wife and others will at least respect my vulnerability, and in their humanity will open up to me. That's getting harder to do these days.

    My therapist advises that I need to display leadership, bravery, calm. That through this my wife's anxieties will at least not be amplified and perhaps will even help settle them a bit. Well, there's little doubt that what I've done before hasn't worked so it makes sense to try something different. Repeating the same things that haven't worked and expecting a different outcome is the definition of crazy, no?

    I am a good person. Created in God's image. Struggling to find and be myself while not tearing my life apart.

    I trust that my wife sees this too, that she loves me, and wants to find a way for all this to work out. I think I also need to believe that she's also embroiled in her own panic mode which makes it hard for her to communicate too.

    I trust that our therapists will help us navigate these choppy waters.

    Without trust, what is there?

    Emma
  19. Emma

    No Big Deal

    By Emma,

    A friend of mine's husband told her that his crossdressing is "no big deal." It bothered her because the phrase tended to dismiss her feelings; I understand and agree. I've often also thought of this phrase myself and thought it might be interesting to consider what it means to me. I'm not offering any solutions here, just food for thought and, perhaps, conversation with your partner.

    By the way:
    I'm using feminine pronouns for the husband, which is the polite/supportive thing to do for her;
    My apologies to my FTM brethren as I'm only talking here about the husband being the transgender person.

    Now with that behind us let's dig in! I'm first considering it from my perspective. (It's my blog, I get to choose who goes first. ) When I think of my crossdressing as "no big deal" here's some my reasoning:
    It's just clothes after all, at least in the privacy of our own home. Who cares if I'm dressing in feminine finery?
    My therapists have also said that it shouldn't be a big deal.
    I wish my wife could also treat it as no big deal because then I'd feel better about myself. As it is I feel like there is a winner and a loser, and we should both be able to win.
    I am and will stay faithful to my wife and am confident that I will not stray no matter what.
    I still am the person she fell in love with at my core. Shouldn't she feel happy that I'm "finding myself" and support me?

    Okay fine, let's consider what might be going on in my wife's mind for whom it seems to be a Very Big Deal indeed.
    She was socialized to be the pretty one in relationships and society, to wear feminine clothing and be feminine. If I'm feminine too, where does that leave her? Should she now consider herself to be a lesbian?
    I think it's known that cisgender women may judge each other pretty harshly at times, and "their man" may be a proxy for her success as a woman. What does it mean if he crossdresses (privately or not)? Is it because of some failing of the wife's?
    Although we know that gender orientation isn't correlated or the same as sexual orientation, my wife is still concerned that in the euphoria of the moment (aka "Pink Fog") I might be tempted to experiment.
    Who's to say that I might so enjoy crossdressing that I find myself inexorably drawn to Gender Affirmation hormones and/or surgery?
    How will this affect our sex life? Will we even have a sex life going forward? And if not, why should I accept that?
    If our marriage/relationship needs to dissolve, how will I explain this to my family and friends?

    Oh my goodness: the scale is leaning so heavily toward my wife. Maybe I'm just being negative. I am sure there are missing points in both my and my wife's sections. Please feel free to post your thoughts on all this.

    Regardless of whether you agree with what I wrote or not I think it always comes down to communication between ourselves and our partners. Easy for me to say but I think my wife and I are making some progress. Yeah!

    I wish you a safe New Years celebration and a thoroughly wonderful and fulfilling 2015,

    Emma
  20. Emma

    Existential Questions

    By Emma,

    Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes.

    Here goes:
    I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed.

    Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all.

    I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as:
    I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing.
    I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner.
    And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with...

    Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house?

    I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and:
    I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug.
    When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay.
    Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace.
    At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on.
    Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened.

    My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am."

    So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings.

    Emma

    P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella.

    Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.
  21. Emma

    Horns of a Dilemma

    By Emma,

    Yesterday afternoon a rental RV pulled in to the campground space adjacent to mine. I didn't take much notice of it. I glanced there occasionally and was surprised to find that the couple were sitting in the cab of the truck. Kind of odd since the first thing one does is connect up the water, electricity, and waste disposal. I made my dinner and while cooking my pork chop decided to ask them if all was alright. Maybe they were unfamiliar with what to do and embarrassed to ask? 
    After eating my chop (which was delicious!) I headed over there. The man was in the cab, the woman no where to be seen. He popped out and I explained that I noticed them in the cab and was just checking to see if they needed any help. He was very friendly, in his 60s I think, and said it was just a comfortable place to sit and update his Facebook while keeping an eye on his own BBQ. His girlfriend then came out too, very big blond hair, friendly. I learned that they are from North Carolina, very small towns (about 2,000 people) near Raleigh, heading to Frisco (please, please, don't ever say that. It's San Francisco) today I think. We separated back to our RVs and the evening.
    Last night I considered which side of the bathroom bill they are on. My guess is that they are on the trans-phobic side as they also made a small sleight about a minority. So now I'm wondering if I should venture there again this morning and ask them about the bathroom bill. And if they are for the discrimination ask them what concerns them. And regardless, then tell them that I'm transgender, and assure them that while in male mode (which they see me now) neither I or anyone I know who is trans would even consider entering a women's washroom. I could do it, sure. But I'm scared to think what might happen. Probably nothing physical, but emotional? Do I want to deal with that?
    Anyway, I left my copy of Janet Mock's book "Redefining Realness" in the campground book exchange area. Maybe someone will read it and learn something. I hope so.
    P.S. That couple left the park while I was in the laundry room, so they were unaware of their neighbor, the transwoman. I suppose I'll always wish I'd gone ahead and broached the subject with them. Who knows, we might have had a nice chat over a glass of wine. Given the same circumstances that's what I plan to do the next time. Live and learn.
  22. Emma
    As some here will recognize this "nature vs. nurture" thing has bothered me at times. At my age it hardly matters. It's not as if knowing that is going to change anything for me.  But I've always felt it would help me to know that I was born this way.  Last week I wrote about it a bit in this post: Chicken or the Egg: Nature vs. Nurture
    As I often do I shared my post with my therapist; we talked about it last Thursday evening.  I love the way that I'm able to share my posts with him, and to receive his support and encouragement.  As we talked about the nature vs. nurture question I mentioned that for the last couple of weeks I've not been feeling those transgender visceral needs/wants/envies. When this has happened in the past it's been both a relief and a regret, and a wonder when or if they will return and if I can possibly recognize a trigger for those feelings.  Maybe now, I speculated, that I feel a bit more in touch with what happened to me emotionally in early childhood I'll discover that my transgender nature emerged from my rather strained nurturing?  
    Without hesitation he replied, "Ebb and flow sounds completely natural to me. Not like a habit at all. And maybe that also reflects that, as a woman, the need, thrill, or awareness of dressing becomes unimportant until, for some reason it arises as a need to 'get your girl on.'" 
    We talked about it some more. He said that it also seems evidently nature-based because, after all, I kept returning to these feelings throughout my childhood and life.  As a young child (3-4-5 years old) I could have reacted in many ways to feeling emotionally suppressed. I could have been defiant, or a bully, or... Instead, I envied, dreamed, and often considered, being a girl. And those feelings were consistent through elementary school, junior high, high school, and college. It wasn't simply a reaction, it was me, expressing herself! How cool is that?
    Hmmm, that feels good. Gee, do I feel an inkling of Pride? I can hear Star Trek's Mr. Spock, "Interesting emotion, Emma!"
  23. Emma

    Behind Blue Eyes

    By Emma,

    Behind Blue Eyes

    Pete Townshend, The Who, 1971, from the album “Who’s Next”


     
    No one knows what it's like

    To be the bad man

    To be the sad man

    Behind blue eyes


     
    No one knows what it's like

    To be hated

    To be fated

    To telling only lies


     
    But my dreams

    They aren't as empty

    As my conscience seems to be


     
    I have hours, only lonely

    My love is vengeance

    That's never free


     
    No one knows what it's like

    To feel these feelings

    Like I do

    And I blame you


     
    No one bites back as hard

    On their anger

    None of my pain and woe

    Can show through


     
    But my dreams

    They aren't as empty

    As my conscience seems to be


     
    I have hours, only lonely

    My love is vengeance

    That's never free


     
    When my fist clenches, crack it open

    Before I use it and lose my cool

    When I smile, tell me some bad news

    Before I laugh and act like a fool


     
    And if I swallow anything evil

    Put your finger down my throat

    And if I shiver, please give me a blanket

    Keep me warm, let me wear your coat


     
    No one knows what it's like

    To be the bad man

    To be the sad man

    Behind blue eyes


     
    No, I don’t have blue eyes although I wish I did.  “Blue eyes” came up recently when my wife and I met with our therapist.  I said to her that I’m normal, like anyone who is left-handed or has blue eyes.  Sure, part of a smaller segment of the population but normal nonetheless.  Our therapist then said that although she loves me deeply that she might not be physically attracted to someone with blue eyes.  
    Later, privately, she told me that she’s fearful that indeed, blue eyes may be a turn-off for her.  Worse, she worries that she might find herself drawn to someone who doesn't have blue eyes.  
    I understand what she’s saying. But it does hurt.  And worry. I just have to trust that we will work it out.  

    P.S. I don’t mean to brag here but I just have to share… I saw The Who in the summer of 1972 at the San Francisco Civic Auditorium during their Who’s Next tour.  My friends and I had fantastic seats about 20 rows back from center stage. The music was so loud that it felt like blood was trickling from my ears but of course it was not.  Such fantastic memories of Roger Daltry whipping his mic high into the air only to catch it perfectly in time with the beat from Pete Townshend’s guitar and Keith Moon’s drums.  
    I was 16 and had driven the family station wagon about 50 miles from the South Bay.  The previous evening my father asked if I knew how to get there, and of course, I hadn’t thought of that.  Together we looked at a map to plot a course.  We made it to and from okay but also remember feeling so disoriented and scared trying to find my way back to the 101 freeway after the show.
     

  24. Emma
    People in Seattle take advantage of sunny/rain-free days and I'm no exception. I love walking from my house through a local park and then along Lake Washington for several miles. It's very large, with a total shoreline that's probably around 60-70 miles and of course I come no where near that. It's ringed with parks and walking/running paths and just lovely.
    Today I was talking with my wife (via phone) while walking. She's in California and has never seen me presenting authentically. She asked if I was wearing my "lady clothes" and I assured her that yes, that's what I always do. Today's no different. She asked me to have someone snap a photo and send it to her.
    So here it is: no makeup, hair's a mess, but it's me, very comfortable in my own skin. Wow, I just happened to notice that I joined TGGuide just over three years ago. What a long space trip it's been!

  25. Emma

    Happy Birthday Monica!!!

    By Emma,

    I learned just a few minutes ago that Monica's birthday was last Friday, 1/19. Birthdays are a big deal, especially for those of us who're contending with being trans, lesbian, disabled, ... And heck, we keep getting OLDER. I'll not advertise Monica's age, will leave that up to her to divulge. That said this year is a milestone for her.
    Monica was the first to great me, with warmth and sincerity, when I joined TGG about 3 1/2 years ago. That was such a difficult time for me. It seemed clear that I was trans but I didn't really know enough to be 100% positive. I'd come out to my wife who was devastated. I was in a bad way, somehow found TG Guide, and Monica was there for me. 
    I greatly appreciate Monica's steadfast support and friendship. Please join in and wish her a Happy New Year and wonderful Birthday!
    Love to all,
    Emma
    P.S. For fun, more photos of my BFF, Miss Peanut:

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