LovelyLisa

So far no mood swings but my nipples and breasts are swollen. I started estrogen about a month and a half ago and I cannot believe the change. I will need to start wearing a sports bra when I exercise. It is unbelievable. I have gone up at least one size. My mom and sister are big on top, so I don't know if that applies to me. However the changes have been really quick, so much so it is a little concerning. I went to a water park today and I had people looking at me. My son, who is 6 years old, poked my nipple which hurt and I snapped at him. I think he's noticed as well.

What I think is happening is, Testosterone was the "drug" that motivated me. It caused me to be hypermotivated, over-anxious, over-aggressive. Now that I have been on HRT for a couple of months, there is peace inside of me. I can see things really clearly. But I am more emotional. Things tend to overwhelm me a little more or feel more daunting. And there is anxiety, but for different reasons.  The feelings and fear that I am having is losing everything. Though, the periods are brief, I have them every couple of days or so after I wake up in the middle of the night. I mentioned this to my therapist. I definitely feel more vulnerable, even though, nothing has really changed. Other than starting HRT a couple of months ago.

That being said, I feel much better on Estrogen. I have more focus now than I've ever had in my whole life. I am much more calm. I didn't realize, yet I suspected, how bad the Testosterone in my body really was.

Warren,

You need to take your meds. There is nothing professional help can do for you if you do not.

If you can leave your room and your house everyday for a while, please do. I feel like there are others around you, in your community, who could benefit from your experience.

I think people get wrapped up in the fact that she is financially independent and well off. That she does not face the same struggles as the rest of us. But while most of us are able to transition in relative anonymity, Bruce now Caitlyn cannot. I'll bet, if she wasn't so famous and an Olympic hero to many, she would have transitioned years ago. But she did not. She lived in a personal prison. Not wanting to disappoint millions of Americans and people around the world. Can you imagine that? Here I am worried about disappointing my mom, sister, wife ... and she has this burden her whole life that none of us could imagine. I am proud of her! Growing up, Bruce Jenner was a hero to me. Caitlyn Jenner still is that Olympic hero.

That being said, some of the Vanity Fair shots were highly sexualized. Maybe I am sensitive to it because I am trans* or because Caitlyn (and I) am older. I just worry for other older trans* women, like myself, that the "bar" has been set high. I am a very self-critical person, but I worry that I and others will be measured by cisgender people who see this. We don't have infinite amounts of money or free time to look that good. (Lol! Don't we wish!) So it is somewhat a false reality. Though, it is no different then the reality that women face who see advertising "pump out" sexualized images on a daily basis.

Anyways, I am "net-positive" about all of this. When I saw the pictures, I had the same reaction, "WOW! I cannot believe that used to be Bruce Jenner. She looks incredible!"

Karen, that is great news. It is so good to hear that you are doing great!

Warren, wow! That was an epic post! I am so sorry that you've had such a struggle. Hang in there. It sounds like you are persevering!

Monica, I currently go to MCC for Second Fridays moderated by Emma Chattin and Roxanne Edwards. It is wonderful. Emma is a warm, loving and awesome person. I will most likely check out MCC as well as other accepting churches.

Regarding T-friendly churches, there are several in the area to choose from. I am not necessarily giving up on my church, for a number of reasons.

Karen, yes I have been dissolving Estradiol under my tongue. Initially, I am on 2 mg per day and then 4 mg per day after the first 30 days. I have been on 200 mg of spironolactone for over a month. I have a little bit of hair thinning on the top and receding hairline, so I am going to start taking finasteride after my next visit. Since it is an antiandrogen as well, my doctor said that he may need to back off the spiro a bit. We will see. It depends on my levels the next time I have bloodwork.

It's weird, but almost immediately I noticed the affects of the spiro on me. Estradiol, not so much. Except the first time I took it, I was at the grocery, with my first dose under my tongue and I actually felt a "high" from it almost immediately for15 to 20 minutes that went away. That hasn't happened since then. I don't know if I'm just used to it now or if it was situational (i.e. I was standing up and took it after a 10 hour day of working).

I had another hour of electrolysis today on the gray hairs. I will have laser next week, though after over 7 weeks, there are very few hairs growing in. The electrologist seemed to think that will change by next week. There has been almost no regrowth over the last 7.5 weeks. The dense areas of hair are almost gone. There have been a handful of hairs (maybe a couple dozen) that have grown back starting about 4 weeks ago, but the hairs are much more thin than before. But no regrowth over the last 4 weeks. So I am crossing my fingers.

Eve, thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. My hope is, as in your case, that time and circumstance help us persevere through this as a family. That is the hope anyway.

And certainly, self-medicating is not good. I thought about doing that many times with prescription medication and I am glad I did not. Though, I did take over the counter vitamins and glandulars for a few months, which actually worked. Though, I am off of those and will not do those again.

--Lisa

Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate it!

--Lisa

Christie,

That sounds great. Good for you. Getting started is part of the battle!

Lisa

I just need to be mindful of what she is going through and her feelings on this. I need to move forward, but certainly I don't want to make her mad. We work so well together as a couple. We really are a great team. Over the last 15 years, our relationship has been a lot of work and sacrifice. I respect her so much.

Unfortunately, things do change. I know that I have changed over the last 3 years. For the better I think, but she has grown more distant with me. It's not good. I've had several friends go through separation and divorce. At some point, I may get a sledgehammer between the eyes. I hope not. Because we are both better off working together than apart.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been.

If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

You need to take the time and financial resources required to get through this. And that is how you can explain it to your wife.

This process is difficult for everyone. Many times our loved ones feel like we are being selfish because we are dragging them through this. Also, if your spouse has never had to support herself or family or has tremendous fear of change, there is a lot of anxiety and anger, because the peaceful life is being disrupted.

In my case, I've sacrificed my life for others my entire life and have slaved for my family so that they are well taken care of. So, being trans* is extremely upsetting because now I am the one with problems and am not the solid, strong person taking the lead. So it has been really difficult for me to even go to therapy, because I feel like I am taking money from the family. But I realized eventually that I need to be good to myself, otherwise I am good to no one. Particularly if I have a mental breakdown. How will I go to work?

Going out and presenting is related to dress, mannerisms and confidence. That takes practice. Which means a lot of going out in the "cis" world to get that practice. When I was young I could wear and do whatever I wanted and passing was not an issue. The older I got, I started to wear things that were age and situation appropriate and that helps. But it comes back to confidence. For example, I had gone to a service last Saturday and was in a nice dress and heels and I went to Target on the way home. At first I was like, I don't usually wear this to Target. But today was a unique situation, it was a funeral service, so I shouldn't feel bad about it or out of place. I don't know if there were a lot of people looking, but I did have someone make an interesting comment to me when I was walking back to my car. They said "hey, beautiful". Which to me was a little derogatory but I was kind to the person. Anyways, you need to make eye contact and respond. Even if you do not have a "female" voice. Otherwise, the person does think you are strange, a little off or maybe lacking social graces instead of just being nervous.

Gosh - when you think about it, my life will be full of little coming out letters. Probably for the rest of my life! Lol!

It's like a barrage of rocking people's worlds over and over and over again. I just hope that I receive compassion when it is "my time".

--Lisa

I started making a couple minor updates. I am shortening the letter and intentionally pulled the fifth paragraph Everyone will understand that I am transgender or that I am having difficulty with my gender identity after reading this letter or me reading it to them. But I don't want to elaborate too much and give someone too many openings to not support or criticize me. It can become like a mob mentality, all that is required is a label which is defined in thousands of ways in the media, mostly wrong for the world to turn against me.

I also started writing a letter for my children. My therapist gave me several suggests, but that link Emma has provided has a lot of good guidance on how to talk to loved ones in addition to this letter

Thank you Karen and Emma for your help! I have read a lot of letters, but none of them seemed to fit me or communicate what I wanted communicated, in a direct, strong but loving and emotionally connected manner. Thus, I knew I would need to write this one myself.

--Lisa

Thank you all for your help! It will take me a little time to absorb.

Monica, thank you for the feedback. My mind is starting to emerge from the confused fog that it has been these last few months. I am now starting to have moments or periods of clarity. Thank God. Because I thought I was going crazy there for awhile. It just took me some time to find those marbles that I lost and pop them back into my head again! Lol!

I am so thankful for this forum and opportunity to blog. This was something that did not exist just a few years ago. And thank you for shepherding us. You have been a wonderful moderator!

Love, Lisa

I would like her to see me too. Part of it is we are so busy and we rarely get more than a couple of mins together alone because of the kids.

Wow. Quite a long post and comments. Wonderful!

The core issue is acceptance and understanding. No logical argument can be applied to this. A person just needs to accept a person who is transgender and then seek understanding. That is where things become difficult. If you don't know who you are or where you are going and leave things open ended, a spouse will feel off-balance such that they do not know what to expect or know who you are as person. They will build walls because of lack of emotional trust. What has helped me, is that I always try to determine something concrete, what I know about myself that I can clearly communicate. And for all of the stuff that I don't know, that we will figure it out together.

One thing that I have been very clear about these last six months is the following: either I need to figure out ways to cope or I will have to transition.

Now, I consider myself, generally a very self-aware person. What I did not realize, but do now is that the anxiety which envelopes you when you can no longer cope is overwhelming. I just went through 3 weeks of hell. It is like getting thrown into the fire. I always thought that my decision to transition would come after careful evaluation and contemplation. It can happen that way, but ultimately the alternative happened in my case. At that point, you just give in. You have no choice.

For many of us here who are contemplating transition, just be aware that this can happen. And let your spouses or SO's know that as well. So, that they can face this with you, with their eyes wide open knowing the worst possible outcome. They need to know how serious this really is! I've been through the ringer my entire life, but I had no idea that I would essentially have high anxiety and high blood pressure for 3 weeks. It could have killed me. I almost blacked out driving my car, etc. Bad stuff.

Anyways, Emma be brave. I didn't mean to scare you and I hope I helped. It scared me, so I feel scared for everyone else.

Christie, I am so proud of you! You are doing great!

I am fairly early on in the process, but it takes some people a long time to process things, or they just don't know what to say! We can can be intimidating!! Lol! That being said, sounds like an awesome conversation.

Unfortunately, the anxiety for me is high each time I leave the house. It feels like I am in crisis mode all of the time until my body gives up at the end of the day. This is a precarious time for me. This is something I need to address immediately.

That was amazing. I would have to say, lately some amazing things have been happening to me as well. People have been going out of their way to be nice and helpful, or just to talk with me. It really has been great.