Michele800226

Thanks gals. But I'm sitting with cramps. Why did my medically induced periods have to be from today, when gastro strikes too. So a double whammy and both is causing me cramps. And he is trying to comfort me although I told him not to be around me for the next few days. XOXOXOXO Michele

Hi there all I know I haven't been on in the resent weeks and I am to blame. Well you'll see what is to blame as I continue this entry.... So, I have been chatting to this guy and thought that he is cool and everything. Till the awkward part came of him asking me to meet him. We continued our cheerful banter and I didn't let that phase me. As luck would have it, I was busy chatting to a girlfriend about my gender and she being understanding and him at the same time. Yes, I did the blooper. A message of how to explain gender, which was meant for her ended up going to him and he replies by asking if I am serious that I am transgender. When I confirmed what I by mistake told him, as I had a softer approach planned for him on the same evening. He shocked me with his answer, "Well does this change you? Because if you can show me how this changes your personality and everything about you that I like. I will except that it wasn't meant to be to meet you." We continued chatting and he didn't become abrasive or mean towards me in the weeks that followed, just more understanding and still sending me my kisses and hugs over the messaging system that we use. He asked if we could meet. Just before we met, I was thinking is this a good idea. What if he just played me and wanted to assault or kill. Or what if he lied about how he looked. This and a million other question ran through my head. ETA to meet, crap is here. Not even me approach him, but he approaches me and gives me the hugs that I said he owed and which he said I owed him. Looked him up and down and saw that he actually looks like the person that he said he is. The conversation continues and he sounds like the person I was chatting to. Okay, I never heard his voice and language that he used just sounded like him. Yes, he also looked me up and down. And he looks at me funny, "I'm not what you expected was I. Did I lie to you. But damn girl you are even sexier in real life that what your pictures made you out to be." I had to convince him that it was only that he didn't lie to me that was making me awe struck by him and that he is actually just refreshing to chat too. We spent that evening together and chatted the whole night. He leaned in and I was all, what the hell in my head to allowing my body to play along. He kissed me full on mouth and..... Yes, I liked it. I really like the kiss I received from him. Before the sun even came out a question was posed to me, "Would you be my girlfriend?" I looked like I could probably faint and he just looked at me and said something like, am I that ugly, and can you only see us as friends or more. As he turned his head away, I pulled him closer and kiss him. All I could say was, YES!!! He looked at me as if to say, you just saying so not to hurt me. I kissed him again to show that our kisses are passionate and that I actually meant what I said. Hey, we were getting to know each other over multimedia and it turned out to be the same persons. Just me talking slightly less, okay more like 50% of the time I spoke and speak on multimedia. I explained that this is for him to actually get in some words before I take over my part of talking in real life too. So far, he has introduced me to one of his grandmother's, uncle, and aunts of his father's side. Yes, nieces and cousins were home too. He even left me alone with his gran to see how we would communicate. Ooooh he got, it after that, because he didn't even prepare me that he was doing this. What I thought of him asking me was. It will be a week or so of dating according to him and then just leave me to my own defenses again. Not introduce me to his family as I am now a fixture in his life. Shocker, I would say. What he made clear was that he is stubborn and I would have to be submissive to him. What I made clear is, I am also stubborn and me being submissive will never work for me. So we should decide on which topics I am going to win and on which topics he is going to win. I know his favorite foods, colors and why he is into red and black. International soccer team is Manchester United, and international rugby team is All Blacks. His local rugby team for sevens as he said are the Crusaders. Don't ask me about sports as I told him, because I am only going to be watching the asses that are running past me on the field and nothing else. I was also told that I will watch sports with him. I told him, only if I get something out of the deal. He said that I got him and I should appreciate the man that decided I am the only one for him. Well let me see. I man that is almost 10 years younger, and lucky for him I'm born early in the year and he late in the year, because if he refused to be born in December, he would've been 10 years younger. He also says, I should be so paranoid about me being 9 years older then him. If the age bothered him, he would've not asked me to be his girlfriend. In this weeks he has made me realize that he is making me accept the world more. And that me being older is nothing, because I wouldn't even have thought of it if he was 9 years older then me. He is making me also see that I am the only person that make him happy. Funny enough, he gave me the password on his cellphone and I said, but it's not my place to scratch on his phone just as it isn't his place to scratch on mine. But still everything that I he most probably would've wanted to see if he was possessive over me, I showed him and he showed me. The one thing I don't tell him, is that I sometimes have altercations with suspects and as a female (and a person with no testosterone in my body) I find it difficult to fight men and not get injured. But I'm digressing. I am currently happy in a relationship. Yours sparkling Michele

Let met get it clear from the start, my friend is pregnant with twins (boy and girl) and Baby Dady is taking up my time again... Since she and this guy have been dating she didn't tell me it's serious and therefore I never met him. Then all of a sudden he is a permanent ficture and messing up our talking crap, dinner dates, movies nights, sleep overs, and baby shopping time. Okay, doesn't men know or realize that girls need to hang and not be bothered at times. And doesn't he realize they going to have a lot of sleepless nights coming after November??? He has already asked a friend of his to be godparent and now she must still decide on who the lucky or unlucky person is. I'm already calling the girl my baby that kicks ass, and the boy the softer one. But they both apparently kicking and punching mommy left to right and also head budding her bladder. How I wish I could go through that. But would I want to be involved in a relationship or take it as a singleton. It's hard enough to be in a relationship to juggle both. So actually this isn't about me always wanting to have a child and carry it full term. It's more that Alistair is taking up so much time that I can't see my friend, which I am missing like crazy. The same friend that freaked when I said I need a new GP and Endo! Who made herself vocally heard in her distrust in South African surgeons, and not wanting me to go here for anything remotely close to major surgery in SRS. The same friend when I started HRT said, bloody finally you started, but are you certain you trust your doctors. Don't you want someone else to handle your hormones. The first person to know how much the hormones cost, as she went with a few times. The most annoying one when it comes to someone wanting me to date a man. She kinda knows most of the fixed requirements and she has been occupied so much she doesn't know the picture kinda changed in the mean time, after making out with a friend who is considerably shorter then me. Yes I call anything under 1.7m short, that I'm 1.74m (5'8&1/4), he is like 5'5. NO THIS ISNT MEANING ANYTHING LIKE THAT I'M DATING THIS GUY! WE FRIENDS AND WE HAVE A SEXUAL ATTRACTION, BUT WE ALSO DONT WANT TO LOSE OUR FRIENDSHIP WHICH IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEVERMIND WHAT WE SAY, IF WE VENTURE INTO THAT TERRITORY. So kinda shorter has joined my criteria, but also only if there is respect, attraction and a whole lot of va va boom. Wonder when I'll be seeing my friend, and when I'll get to see our little one's. Funny, I started moaning about not seeing her, but realized how much we share, unless we know that it can be sort of flaunting and to much of a visual expression for the other to deal with. We stay quiet, even though visually we can deal with corpses and being shot on at work. Lol All I can reiterate is, I miss my blooming friend. This guy is making our relationship unreliable as she is now never there for me! Bloody penis that impregnated her!!!

Hi Brigsby Its unfair for your family to expect that you must accept what they throw at you, but not allowing you to just be who you want to be. I have uncles and aunts I cut off completely, because they were toxic. One tried to re-initiate us talking a few years back and my college had to ask them to leave because I said the evil ghost has entered the office I was working in and I font speak to the dead. Told him how we had a fight and I got written off and I it answered, "Fine, but never talk to me again as you are dead to me too." With my siblings I only talk to my oldest sister as she was the only one that accepted me from a young age and even back then offered to pay for the surgery, which I refused and said I'll do it on my own. I'm talking about 31 years back. I frequently go to my brother's place (not the one who past away in 2005, but the middle child), not to see him but my niece as I can't make him change his mind. Funny enough is in laws accepts the change and actually encourage me to stay true to myself. But my sister slightly older then me, I physically speak to about 10 minutes out of the year as she and her husband are both dictators that decided I should listen to them as I am selfish to want to be happy. My mom acts supportive, but she isn't, and it's fine. I'm not relying on there support as I never needed their strength to continue on in my life. What I can say is. Make yourself happy, as it will reflect in how others see you. And maybe they come around if not. At the very least you'll get a, do what pleases you, but don't expect me to make life easy for what was left for you by your father (mine past away in 1999). So, your ID changes are your problem to prove who you are. If you like me, you'll take every blow as it comes and hopefully no one brings you down. You are strong enough to cope with life. You have a support system. Strong's Michele

Hi Karen Once defender of rifgts , you'll always be fine. Good outlook in life, and I always remembered that I said I'm doing this as soon as I find the right medical practitioners I feel I can trust and follow my heart. Definitely interesting to see peoples reactions after realizing I'm doing what I said I would. Keep strong and happy. Support your dreams, aspirations and that of loyalty. Hugs Michele

What happened at a course. Yes, I sometimes do sound like my 2nd language is my 1st, and my mother tongue like I'm a fumbling fool, which is Afrikaans. VID_20150911_142337_3gp.0473bc1a5be6f027f880473e4184319d

Today is a take me as I am day. VID_20150911_140548.3gp

The skin color in my family isn't an issue, but I sometimes fear my mother's response which comes over very harsh at times. Heaven help a 72 year old woman.

Everyone will ask why you asking about chocolates, right. Actually wrong. I've never been bound by race or religion, when it came and still comes to men intriguing me. But I've always had a thing for someone taller and bigger body structured then my 1.74m (5ft8) structure and around 140Lbs. The top criterion above all else, is he needs to have respect, love and adoration for me. Okay, I grew up in a time when interracial relationships were a no no, but I am grateful my dad crossed all boundaries of interracial friendships. Say something inappropriate in front of me, and I'll put you on your place. That's probably why, all I need a man to be, is himself and respectful towards others. If I like you, it's because of qualities you have, and loving you means our qualities are strengthened by our relationship with each other and I wNt to around you every second I can, with me time for friends. So leave me alone if the guy I choose is darker then me, because he might have been lighter, then you'd be worried over me dating him.

Made a date to massage a friend. Well that was easy as I owed him, and all the latest people I have met, I haven't as yet disclosed to that I'm trans and pre op. His options were as I gave were: Deep muscle massage; Normal massage; or Uhm massage. Without him knowing the uhm is a kinky massage, he chose it as a super deep muscle massage where he would moan, and were we moaning. Got to his place. He is a little bit shorter then me, and I like him. Got my hug, and my usual spot was taken by work waiting to be reviewed by him. So I sat next to him. My hair ended up a mess as I rested my head on his stomach. Got a sort of strip dance and I liked the none muscular body he has. He is a runner. I mentioned that we should probably proceed with the massage, and up the stairs to the best spot, his bedroom. Here is where it gets interesting. I gave him a deep muscle massage with me fully clothed and him covered with underwear only... I got him to moan and his uhm, umtondos (Xhosa word for penis) show'd signs of enjoyment. I just continued with the massage, until I was grabbed and kissed. Knees were weakened and my resistance were failing after my top and bra were removed. He voiced concerns of me being oiled in the process. Now somewhere in between the massage and making out I didn't want him to stop, but I couldn't work out even how to allow my brain and mouth to have the discussion, making me flustered as hell and I was later informed possibly intimidated by a friend whom knows both of us for over a decade each. But the two of us only met in the year and we never had this discussion, just had wonderful conversations. With me struggling to talk about my gender, a first for me. I couldn't stop the make out session, not that I wanted it to stop or his hands all over my body, we had to remind us that he needs to sleep and me in his bed, will cause both of us not to sleep. Why did I start something I don't want to stop? And I end off with a question posed to my friend. How the hell do I have this discussion, about the metamorphosis of my body, seeing that I'm still in the cocoon? All I know is, this will have to be discussed as I might have entangled myself in his snare. And he is a yummy snare I can see myself involved with.

Monica I get all the support from friends. But ask some of them, they'll say we family. CIS African males, none the less. I'm just the quirky sister with a lighter skin. I've got a limited amount of TLGB family AMD the support is overwhelming at times, but we manage to survive. I've got a friend that wants to marry me off to her brother. You'll enjoy the next entry I'm going to post now, Massage gone flustered

Got asked about documentation my mom couldn't find, so I handed her what I stored away in the safe. After finding the documents, I reiterated that it might be difficult to do what she wants as my gender marker and first name are being changed slightly. And all I got was, it's your life and your problem when I'm dead. I've always known my support came from my father, so with the lack of support from the one we call Hammie (what my siblings and I call our mother). But I also know, that out of guilt I am mentioned in a will I want nothing to do with. I also know as the last born, my responsibilities to listen to my immediate elders input, I should listen and react as desired, but as with all families you need to walk your own path towards your happiness and fulfillment. In this short piece I'm just trying to say, don't let negative or cold shoulders or emotionally detached family dictate what makes you happy and whole. If you do follow what they want of you or let their attitudes dictate you feeling depressed because they seem like the only people in your life that should care for you. DONT LET YOUR FAMILY FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING YOU UNHAPPY, AS THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CORNER STONES IN YOUR LIFE THAT SUPPORTS YOU IN ALL PARTS OF YOUR LIFE. And if you have that support, be grateful, you were granted a support structure you can call at any time. Much love... Michele

I'm a traditionalist to the point where I am feminine, but I'm modern as in independent, strong will and minded, not physically all that strong but determined to succeed, pants wearing, automotive and weapons loving, hand to hand girl. So not a typical girl, just a fun loving and emotional girl.

Why tears. Well I've always been an emotionally strong woman. Yes, strong as in vocalizing what I think and how I do thigs, as well as not needing a Knight to save me I can save him too... I'm a fighter after all. Well in the last month I've been disciplined for not informing my commander about a lone child on street late at night! I asked if that wasn't part and parcel of my work to serve and protect, and if so. Give me a written instruction stating I should leave a defenseless five year olds on the street at 22:00 or anytime when I find a small child unsupervised. Disciplinary actions immediately stopped as no commander wants to be held responsible as the person who instructed members under them to disregard the safety of their community let alone that of children. But yes, that was in an emotional state of, I love children and no one is going to stop me when it comes to the future grown ups, because without them who are going to ensure our safety. Now for my tears... I got angered by family and friends, and my realization has come that only persons I have allocated a space in my heart can bring me to tears. So some apparent reason this has always eluded me. I'm hard, but soft to the touch, easy to look at and a major pain in the butt if need to bring my point over. I've also found that children and animals are a sore point for me when mistreated. Even though I despised my moms dog for wanting to kill my Labrador and almost succeeding and biting me before I went into fighting mode. But that was self preservation on my part, I couldn't bring myself to say I'll miss him as he was euthanized, but started sobbing over Mike the Labrador who passed on years ago. Does this make me emotionally stinted, as I can't comfort someone close to me in grieving. I know I can blame my brother who didn't even allow me to grieve after my father's passing, which ended with my foot in a demanding priests face, as he tried to take something from me. But silent tears still flowed when the missing gets to much. Tears flowing when I'm angry is even worse because that means I want to punch someone., but those also only flows if I care about the person, but I don't want to see or hear from them till I'm ready for that person. The one most of us hate would be tears that makes us revert to wanting to bobe alone. At that time to many emotions are attacking me just want to be alone. Today's was that I wanted to release some anger I'm feeling towards a friend for calling me dumb when I couldnt find a him or the place we were going to. GPS didn't work either, nor the number of the place. Well I'm done with bitching for a bit, let me get ready for Eid as I have Muslim family and friends. Eid Mubarak to all, and have a blessed and heart felt day. Michele is out......

Monica I can't agree more. We all are spiritually growing with the beliefs, knowledge and social acceptance. But we still get those stinted minds that refuse change and only grows hatred. My school life was filled with questions from others and dictatorship, not that I allowed people to rain on my parade, throughout my primary and high school life. I do understand American terminology even though I live in South Africa. Michele

Generally Speaking No matter if you CIS, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer. All of us went through the phase of exploration. Be it to discover your gender or sexuality or which careers we wanted to follow, because you don't look, behave or think like everyone else you talk to. Sometimes, not even your parents have an answer for you, make that most of the times. And when you finally got an answer from somewhere, it takes us all different timeframes to accept or initiate the change we so desired from a young age, but we just didn't understand. NOW WE HAVE ME, A TOTAL 180 DEGREES FROM MOST PERSONS I knew who and what I was, even if I didn't have a name for it as a child. If you looked at the major age gap between my father and I, but I can definitely say 54 years age difference wasn't big at all. We understood each other, although at times some of the questions asked were formulated for a different era. I wasn't judged or ridiculed by him. He rather taught me, a human being never mind being female or male should be capable of respecting each other and being respected by others, and his children should be capable of taking care of themselves as we should be independent. But not afraid to ask for assistance when we don't know. And that's why we have each other. We perfectly paired off as sibling, each with their own strengths and weaknesses in our individual groups, or unified. So as a child of four years old, I already had the discussion of me having the big surgery to align my body with my brains and feelings. Yes I was advanced in certain areas and others I just refused to act my age. I remember wishing and praying that I would be changed before I go to school or become a grown up. I remember begging to be changed before high school. But nothing happened, where my dad was my rock, my mom always seemed to be blocking my every move, she is more reluctant to understand, but she is 17 years younger then my dad. And if it was due to pain, it's mine not hers and I have decided to pursue my happiness not someone else's. Not like I've ever asked her permission to be myself. Because I knew whatever would happen to me, my mother would tell me it's because I'm refusing to abide by her rulesrules and that of society. Screw that, I was taught to live my life for me as long as I have respect, but never bow down or out. That's why I've always been closest with my father and oldest sister. I think he understood because of his Native American heritage. My dad would defend me by saying that I knew a lot more then other children, that I'm not confused or indoctrinated, and that a child can't want the same thing for decades and be confused. My goals were kept from me the day my father left his corporeal being for the spiritual world to watch over us. Yes, I do believe in different plains of existence. But I re-iniated when I was old enough, softening the blow of my completeness. I've always been allowed to be myself, free from the binding of normal life. Free to explore if my heart so desires. Free to be the women I have always been. I've almost been a closet case, but my teachings and integrity which my dad taught me was important to me always came out. Now, I hear the question coming from all corners. If he lived, why didn't he allow the change early? Well, answer is easy, his five foot tall wife was the one that always stood in the way of my happiness to change. Another question looming, must be... If she was the one to prolong everything in your life, do you love her as your mother? Obviously yes, but because of her and some of my siblings, I grew colder at times. None responsive and well primarily more of a loner, knowing that I don't need anyone to be happy, but I would still love to have a child. But I fear the irreparable damage some parent have on their children, and would I be that closed minded as my mother. She knows, but do I care about approval, not in a million years. I have always been loved for being me, the girl I am inside and presenting to the world. Would I change for anyone, YOU MUST BE CRAZY NOW!!! Now who know me better then me.

Have I ever said I'm one of the numbskulls that don't understand flirting when it's directed at me... WELL I AM THE WORST KIND IN HISTORY. Let me start by saying this wasn't my intentions. Okay, I thing I had a massive undertone of want you. But I ever said it directly or even partially or remotely in person... Am I even remotely upset that he found out. Not in the least' so wanted im to be single and focussed on me, oh well NOT YET. I am kinda disappointed in the fact that I didn't hide all that well. Maybe this is the year that I'm fedup with being single, that I cofidently approached him. So, don't shoot the heart that was looking at a desireable ora. Can I actually ad to this, uhm yes. I'm being hunted by some men I don't take as worthy of me. LOL' now the quality isn't available.

Even people. Clearly this is a clothes issue. Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes. Not a problem buying. No women can't tell me how a shop or card works. Todays issue is getting in my clothes. As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight. Not the case. Weird right. Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum. My lady humps were in the way of my jeans. I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants. Was me this morning. Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back. Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again. Do you want to know a secret... After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too. I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see. My ass are illusionist. So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows. My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with. I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on. Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in. Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike). So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me. I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too? I don't think so... As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again. They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom. Oh freaken hell no. My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back. Old fashioned, but hey its me. Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside. Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures. Cheers from South Africa.

I went for a Tactical Survival Techniques course last week. Before going I was warned that a specific instructor would be harder on me because I'm from his previous station and had harsh words with him. Yes, I had harsh words with him, but I helped him with things he couldn't do, so would he truly be a dick to me. And the answer is kinda. Kinda, because he made me take the biggest tyre and run with it. My first request was a smaller tyre, he said no and I'd understand later why he said so. I almost cried because of the pain and the uncomfortability of where the tyre was hanging from on my shoulder. I am reminding you that I'm only 62kgs (136.7Lbs) at the end of the course. I started off on 60kgs (132.3Lbs), and 5ft8. And yes it looked like I lost weight. It was me and another flower between 12 thorns. The thorns were protective of us. Would I survive these guys I thought. I did, and most were massive blokes close to 100kgs (220Lbs). Okay, the first day I didnt utilize the bathrooms as I usually avoid bathrooms altogether. But on the second day we needed to change. The other rose I told, I don't use male bathrooms as I'm not male, and she was understanding. After that, I started finding more and more women in the bathroom when I went to change. The guys that normally have a problem, was so glad probably that I wasn't sharing their space that they just stayed quiet as the women already spoke and declared me part of their clan. Multiple courses were run at the same time. On the second day when I couldn't handle my tyre no more, two guys unknown to me still at that time were very supportive and encouraging and within my age group. (I made it my point to find out who the oldest was and where I fitted in as my body just doesn't function as usual on a course. The second oldest and the longest service of all the course goers in my group.) On the third day I became vocal about my phobias as we had to climb on the rooftop and come down like a spider. Do I look like a spider, I dont think so. The safety drills and procedures were fed and repeated into my brains and aching muscles, even me utilizing a firearm with my right hand. Uncomfortable to draw here people, I use my left hand. (Subsequently got interrogated as to why I only write with my right hand at work. I am ambidextrous, but too keep coherency I use it like that at work.) Well, I passed the theoretical section. And when it came to the physical section, I was inadvertently the leader. All because of my BIG MOUTH. My team performed remarkable, and we covered each others asses. Now, what impressed me most was. Whenever someone referred to me in a masculine way, they would correct themselves or that person, and refer to me in a feminine way. They even wanted to learn, which showed that they are attempting to understand because of me. Well, the whole group passed the course. Never mind that it was tough, grenades and an assault rifle going off as we had to learn and perform our duties. Yes the grenades were thrown between us and we had to be super vigilant. Does this make me a better performer outside in a dangerous scenario. Oh yes, and I can't wait for the 3week course. I'm not sleeping by the guys, as I already use female spaces only. Male spaces are to be naughty and frisky. Enough rambling, this course was painful yet exciting. I sustained bruises that looked like I was on the receiving side of an assault. Would this girl do or go through pain like this again. Obviously yes.

Thanks for the encouragement. The thought of the persecution towards myself is what keeps me fighting. Still waiting on the answer to my proposal. Hopefully it gets looked at and I'll actually enjoy doing this. Using my intellect as opposed to using brawn.

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand. I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs. The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced. Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety. I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe. For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do... I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community. The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor. I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society. Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

I clearly don't need to go, but I somehow have decided that 35 might be the year things slow down for me. I eat half of what I used to, sometimes anything from 25% and up and I'm filled. Lets rather say, I also started a relationship which I need to end on one or two levels. Therefore I will either just say Gym, which means sex, and Go or Going to the Gym, which has the meaning of the words to exercise. GYM What I like about it is, I've finally started enjoying it, so my hiatus from August 2012 till just after my birthday was good, as I couldn't find the enjoyment in it. Not that I felt like a victim everytime, no I didn't, I'm a survivor. I was just dead, interactive like a zombie, but physically or mentally involved never. Yes, I think I should cancel the one, not only because he is trying to make me dependant on him, and I also know some of his unhealthy and detrimental activities. So cancelled is his rights. Worst part of this is, I'm allowing myself to be promiscuous with him and I don't know me like this. Now going to the Gym... This is actually why I started this blog. I hate running, but the thing that I start of with is doing a 2.4km (1.5miles) run. I'm South African and we work on km's. This doesn't want to drop to below 15 minutes, which is making me feel inadequate as a cop. But what I can say is, at 25 it took me 3 months to drop from 20 minutes to where I started off now. Just my endurance isn't what it was back then. I was fearing that exercise would counteract what my hormones were doing for my already small breast, 32A. But the counteractive thing is my heavy bulletproof. So I hate going to the gym. Right, but the positives are, my ass is staying perky, my arms and legs are firm, my breast and ass actually love the attention. I don't do more than 45 minutes, I only go to the gym for 30-45 minutes. Anything more is ridiculous. I hate that people look at me in a trouser and tells me, I'm weak and skinny. And that girls should stay out of dangerous affairs and zones. This misogynist I just cant deal with. To be clear this is my current stats: Bust / Under Bust: 85/75cm (33&1/2 / 29&1/2inches) Middle: 65cm (25&1/2inches) Hips: 93cm (36&1/2inches) Height: 174cm (5foot8&1/4inches) Weight: 60kg's (132.3Lbs). Want to stay below 140Lbs as I'm already on the heavy side for modelling too. I work to maintain my body and only allow my hips (ass) and breast to grow, as that is what HRT is doing for me. I hate that the nicest and best bodied gym instructor is leaving. But I've got a few that is staying behind, to keep me motivated. So I'm working for me and nobody else. No man is the motivation behind me or this exercise. I am, as I want to take up part time modelling and continue as being in the police services which I also love.

Thanks a lot. The only choices I needed to make was when to start and when I'm old and strong enough for some of my family members. Come out of a family with old school rules, your elders decide if you may or not. My career was the first rebellion and my life has always been a rebellion, as I couldn't face a world of not being me. So good to be positively female.

Emma Whining sometimes is used as a method of maintaining my sanity and perspective. So will continue. Michele Ps. Thank goodness for mother choosing my name at birth, and me loving it. Amd also never needing to hide my inner or true self.

Hey Warren If a person is toxic in your life, its sometimes better to treat the toxic as an allergy. Like you at work, I do have a few obstacles, but most wont even dare to confront me on be a sweet soft petite girl. I think they scared I'll punch their teeth out. My family will be stubborn and want to titlelize me as male, and then I shoot a look and all is well, they only argued once with me on shoes. I told them, my body, my rules, my life, my choices in life and I'll always be me. Funny enough when its a physical or dangerous problem, they run to the baby (which is me), if its money wise my mom runs to my older brother, oldest was never reliable. I know how toxic some people can be. My father had 11 siblings and all I wrote off as toxic and invisible. So I understand seeing that I was close to one, till I mentioned searching for a doctor and specialist. But you dont sound as cold or cut off from my emotions and people that doesnt mean anything to me. Hope the persons you want back in your life has a break through of understanding. Hugs Michele