Michele800226

Kitrah, you definitely aren't alone in the similarities we all have, but this title I won't renounce because the surgery is done, when it is done. It just makes me the person I am and I also know it feels like I sometimes have it easier with newer people that I meet. But I have gone so far as to put on a bio of myself which I will explain in my next post. Because I have nothing to hide. Emma, as always it is good reading your comments and inspiration that you shine through... Love and Hugs Michele

Good evening all Yes a retrospective look at what is what... Why so many transgender or gender non-confirming persons are to denied the passing as the gender they have always known themselves to be is the hardest to understand. It comes with the fact that some families would rather deal with a sibling or child as being heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual, but bring up the transgender or transsexual word and everyone freaks out. So in retrospect, I was thinking of the time I was trying to fit into a norm that families would make us to believe are better then being true to oneself. I've even given me time frames to get to grips with when my family would accept it and if they couldn't I would be fine as living my life as a gay man. Who could believe that I was actually worried about what they were thinking, because at the end, the love, appreciation and understanding that I have for myself is of a greater importance to me then what acceptance is from other persons. And the only point I'm focused on at the moment is that of GRS and not worrying what they have to say about myself, as the person I had to be to be accepted at a small level was not the person I wanted to ever be. After much consideration, I never ran away because I couldn't bare that I would leave behind the 3 most important persons in my life, my departed father, oldest sister and that of not my oldest, but time youngest niece, now my 2nd brother's oldest daughter. Well, the thought of disappearing and going ahead with the transition early was always on my mind... And the scolding eyes of my mother that always tells me I'm in the wrong and that I should just be what she wants me to be, then I would've had to marry and have children in hopefully that way, because if that is what they desired that is normally what they got. But growing a pair and understanding that my happiness needs to be placed first and others would see that the other me was just a front and that person had no personality or soul, just an empty shell that roamed the earth because that was what was expected of that person. What I can say about faking being CIS and gay is this, being soulless and not actually caring about what happened to you in the world is a real threat. Because it left me to be reckless in almost everything. From drinking and driving, I guess was in the hope that I would be in an accident and caught in a burning vehicle to be burnt to death to an unidentifiable corpse. Well, I'm glad that I never actually got to that point, because then I wouldn't have known what it is to be open about being me. And yes, I know that it is part of my facebook introduction so that those that send friend request should know I gave them a dis-closer of who and what I am. Why am was thinking about this during the day, I really don't know, but the fact is. We all have some times thought this, why did I first have to do this so that the community and my family could accept me, but in truth you never accepted yourself for who and what you were. So the first step to being happy about the person you have become, is thinking about if everything is as you would have done it, or are you at least at a spot in life where you can be happy to continue. I reached my happy spot. And if my mother pees on my batteries, I take a step back and tell her, I can stop with what I am doing, but just know this and understand this fact. The likelihood that I will commit suicide is so much bigger, because I've never been happy as the person you wanted me to be, I'm not that person you think I am, I am Michele yes, not the Michel you wanted me to be, because I am an individual. And this individual is transgender. Without my brain being aligned with my hormonal structure I can not function and I am planning on aligning my body to the rest of my body because that is what I've always wanted, and I know you know that I've always voiced my beliefs and how I felt as a child, because I can remember telling you back then, and you saying that it must only be a phase. What kind of phase last 36 years mother, what kind of torture do you want me to live through. If you were as much invested in me as your son you almost died with at birth, or the daughter that came after him, you might've understood me. Yes, I also know that you wanted a daughter before my birth and my body tried to fool you, but you surgically had my happy space removed to leave me with a body that I can't stand looking at. A body that makes me so uncomfortable I can't find myself to love my body and that is placing strain on me and relationships because I feel like I am not worthy of being loved because I can't love myself... Yes make me stop HRT, and the next call you might get is to say that I died, and think of it this way, you were the cause that an empty vessel left this house and was broken, not killed, because that is exactly what you request did, it killed me. Not the bullet through my head, or knife through my heart, but that inadvertent disregard to have me live my life and be who I was meant to be. Me, Myself, I, Michele Joey Heynes. The daughter you wanted before birth and had killed. Somehow this seems morbid at times, but then I realize that my mother, can't stand being the cause of that, and she just says let it be. XOXOXOXO Michele

Hi there all So I'm the middle of my leave currently and PMS striked again which is an enemy that is supposed to only strike me the last week of the month. But hey, it decided that it was a good time for me to get punched while the thinking is I am supposed to be down and for the count before of my revelation or make that truth finding. And on the same day, my blooming sinuses are also packing up and not in a mild way but a heavy attack. So yes, first few days I was sick, and called into work for 5 days as my sub-component was in trouble for something we couldn't sort out while I was there, but there is time until the 21st to complete, when I am still on leave and I said they should just tell me when everything is right and I will sort it out on my time. But yes that is that, and now this again, the PMS I don't mind, but the sinus attacks that doesn't want to go away, and leaving me sneezing and a nasal drip that is worse then ever. Okay, I think my body this move so I couldn't go through with the boodie call I had placed to a friend that helped me out with my birthday last year. Funny I didn't use it again seeing that he is good at what he does. But then again, I am not fighting fire with fire because the guy that screwed around was left already, and by spiting him, I am planning of playing in his friends pool. What, the best revenge is the revenge closest to home. Which I also don't think I should go through, because I am not a vindictive person. Ps... by the time I read your responses I would've either not gone through with this or just gave in and do it, but if I do it, it isn't because I am being spiteful, but actually like the person. I actually drove a few long distances, as in Cape Town if you drive more then 40km you are driving longish distance, lets see that is 25miles. But I did two trip where the going was 100miles so a round trip was 200miles. That was actually fun to see my car doing these distances as, I barely do 17 miles round trip per day. But if I drive a distance to go calm down I do between 30-50miles on a calm down, I will even consider a drive of around 75miles round trip as a good calm down session. Talking about calm down session, I found out and instead of crying or punching someone, I took a drive to the beach and had a nice night walk on the beach. And before anyone starts shouting at me for going to the beach on my own. I went to the beach that has constant traffic till around 04:00. And the time that I was there was between 19:00 and 22:00. So clearly the beach was not full but still had a large volume of people either on the beach or on the road not too far away. Not that I was looking at the amount of traffic on the beach. So I did my nature thing to bring my spirit into it zen space. What this dating experience told me is, you never know the person until they show their true colors, and if you notice it don't be afraid to confront it. But as Trans Females, we should know this, our muscle mass is way less then what it was, and if you know the guy is volatile and might beat you, don't do it as your safety is of more importance. Then rather just leave the guy and steer clear of all the places you frequented, maybe that was just his way of hiding you from his family and friends. But if you were introduced to family and friends, then you weren't the sideline, just screwed around on, and I don't know which is worse. Because we have similar friends from the start, I'm not relinquishing my friends to him, as I've had them longer then him. He also isn't distancing himself from them, so I keep my smile on my face and not even acting happy, because I am happy this happened while it was still in its infancy and not super serious. Well three months is long for me to be in a relationship that isn't platonic. Well, I have said a bit more then what I thought I would say, so have a good evening people, I'm off and out of here. Cheers my lovelies Michele

Emma you wouldn't believe this, my grandmother and grandfather from my mom's side takes the cake. The age gap was 26 years, with my grandfather being the oldest. Funny thing is you outlived all his wives and she was his last wife. He passed away when my mom was 18 years old and she passed away when my mom was about 2 years old. So yes age really is nothing but a number in my family. The oldest sister takes 2nd place, with her husband whom was 24 years older then her, and 3 years older then my mom. Then my parents take 3rd position, 17 years age difference with my dad being the older one. So normally it is the men in my family that is the older party, and I would be setting a record on the female side. My oldest brother though was 10 years older then his wife, and he passed away a few weeks after my passing out of police college. Emma and Karen, thanks for the wishes, but we still waiting on the notification that we can wear our ranks, even though they backdating it to last year when we officially had the qualifications. On being an inspiration, I'm just living my life according to what I need to and how I see it fit for anyone to live their lives. Confirmed after this that this young guy was screwing around and gave the option of stopping as the person he is screwing on the sidelines isn't one of my favorite people, therefore broke it off. Weirdest part is, his friends are actually sticking up for me and saying that he should've known not to play with a good thing. So broke it off without shedding a tear, as tears would be to much of a hassle for me to waste on a person that is a cheater. So hope this doesn't deter anyone from dating, not all men are cheaters and can't be brushed with the same brush. We actually have good guys out there that doesn't mind our differences, because it's not the differences that makes us, but the soul of the person that determines if we are worth loving or not. I just got played and remembered at the same time, that I'm still in the controllers seat and I have the choice to allow it to continue or to put a stop to it. Love Michele Xoxo

Hi there everyone Know that this have been a while. But I can promise that I have more then enough to tell. Where to start, is a good question, and like I tell everyone go to the beginning. But in this instance, I will take different headings for different starts. So LONG STORY I THINK... DATING Well since I last was on I got in a relationship and ended it a few days ago. But here goes the experience. Well as I never go looking for things like this, I can't say that I was on the hunt. But this is how the hunted story starts. Went to a friends place, I haven't seen in a while and one of the children I knew has finally grown up. Darnit, I even forgot about him because he was really all grown up, and no, it wasn't him. I continued going in as I only realized that my friend is a qualified hairdresser and went to check out her skills. Didn't take notice of the guys in a way to actually say I'm available and the one just continually messed with me. Made it his point to walk in on me and scare the living daylight out of me while singing. Oh, I actually know how to use my vocals and just tried to ignore that I knew this. Pushed him away after a month of constant harassment and me stating I don't do children. He asked what is a child on him, he is old enough. Okay, in the push he fell over and was lying on his back and I ended up sitting on top of him to tell him why it wouldn't work with him. And I get told I'm not that strong, but lean in he wants to say something and started kissing me. Pushed him down and away from my mouth, even though his kissed intrigued me. Still held my grounds that he is too young, and for a week or two he continuously kissed me and told me that it will happen that I will allow him in. Well lets forget the pelvis grinding he did and later pinning me down, before I stopped fighting him. I looked at him and found his Identity Document and noticed that he is legal aged and basically 17 years younger than me. How I'm hearing the ladies shout, cougar, cradle snatcher, you could've changed his nappies while he was a baby. Well, I eventually let my guard down and accepted that a younger guy was interested in me. Let him kiss and go on with me. Even let him take me to a club, me at a club. I'm way to old for that crap, I don't do clubs unless I truly need to unwind and there is no open punching bag. But then I also have grown up to the degree where I won't drink and drive. I know the practice was bad, but in my prior few years I would keep my blood alcohol level within the legal limit. The things I enjoyed most about the dating scene were the following. The greeting when I make my appearance or he made his appearance. That I didn't have to hide anything about me. I made it clear I identify as transgender and that I wasn't going to have a sex relationship before I am ready to. I liked the way he touched my skin, the kisses, yes even the pinning down, and me in turn pinning him down. The trust he had in me, or is it has, because we still friends and not with benefits. Being treated like the young lady I was viewed as. Does me ending the relationship because I couldn't see any growth or positive path after a while, and that sex was becoming a topic that I didn't want to cross over too. Having the full surgery is my goal and that is the only way that I want to be intimate with a someone, as I still don't agree with my full body experience. Does it mean that I'm not flirting with men because of this extra boost of confidence, well apparently I have become a prime target on the dating scene and have connected communicatively, but then again none of my electronic profiles I created doesn't misrepresent me as a whole. And I notice that most people don't even read that part I left open to make them decide if they want to befriend me or not. I have no qualms telling people I'm transgender either, as it is an essential part of me. I say I identify as transgender, though born intersex and if I'm not in the mood to educate, I will also ask not to ask me about it go do research and come back later to me. I even get new friends that are new to being trans and using the derogatory slang as they don't know better and will do my lecturer stance and correct them on the spot. But yes, I currently have a few conversations going, and I know that some guys are only looking for experimenting and I end up asking questions that makes some guys squirm and just delete themselves from my life. So that is the dating front. Oh, did I mention that I got a few marriage proposal in this time frame that I have been missing. SERGEANT RANK The list came out and my name was one of the first for the promotions from Constable to Sergeant and then the effective date was a while back, but the confirmation that the last list is the correct list needs to come, because we had to fill in paperwork's and I don't think that the national office realized that we are so many people that need to be promoted. I just hope that everything is right by the time that I get back to work from leave and can wear Sergeant ranks. Well if my plans had gone as I originally wanted in the police, I would've been a Captain by now, and would've been a Sergeant by 2010, Warrant Officer by 2012, and Captain by 2014. But then changes happened and the waiting period to Sergeant was drastically increased. HAIR GROWTH AND COLORS My hair has grown by about 2 inches (5cms), I got some streaks in and then changed my color to red and naturally got some blond streak highlights, because my hair was bleached before coloring it. I have stayed with my friend the hairdresser from the end of August till now, and for basically 2 months the growth is substantial, and my hair hasn't looked healthier in ages. Do I have anything else to gossip about of myself??? I don't think so. But, seeing as things are going in all directions with me, some bad, some good. I am just enjoying the rest of the life and expecting anything to happen when it must happen. I have made peace with my maker decades ago, so if I must die, it is a good day to die. And if I continue to live, it is the best days to live and be prosper. Be safe ladies, I will be safe on leave and will be tempting fate to see if I am actually going to step into a relationship with a guy that is a year younger then me, just saying. I'm enjoying this dating game... Cheers ladies. Have a splendid time and stay gorgeously perfect. Michele

Heya Nicky. Hope the processing went well after the coming out. Stay strong, the loving ones whom views you as important to them will stick around. Hugs Michele

Hi everyone, hope you guys have been well with me not here and that some soul who needed it was helped. Let me see how the story format go and here is the last few weeks with the biopsy and how I was doing for the time till now. Ooooh, my sister got her car back today, so I should probably have my car serviced Biopsy Done & Dusted Feelings While Unknown Date: 2016-08-16 I was taken in and first weight, making me feel uncomfortable at the thought that someone else is seeing my weight and if I gained weight and I didn’t know about it, what can I say. Also feeling more like I should eat, but yes fasting doesn’t work that much for me the foodie. Nurses at this hospital which is open less than a year or around that time, are professional and full of smiles. The one sees my lip gloss on and thinks it’s a lipstick. Not at all and here they all start doing their faces, because apparently I can’t be the only person that is looking good at the hospital. Fear strikes me more as hunger makes me think of all the crap that can go wrong. First thing first, what if this is positive and I am told chemo, well we found something else. Or the weirdest one of all, what the.................................................. and total silence. I went with thought into my gown and thought that if I don’t calm down as in now, my stats might make me wait longer to have the operation done to remove this lump. So I calmed down by watching tv, chatting to everyone around me and then the inevitable happened my surgery schedule was announced as changed. Thinking what is wrong, as I was told, I realize that they were discussing that the child had eaten and needed to wait a few more minutes which made me think that I am closer to food if and when this happen so don’t look nervous or anything. Went into the surgery theatre and was told the painful part was over and I asked what the doc was talking about only to find that he already had the drip on my arm. Hahahahahahaaaaa, I don’t feel needles unless the idiot that does the drip line isn’t good at it, I will feel the needle as I look at them. And asleep I am.... Woke up a while later, the first thing I do is take of the hair net, and make my hair right, second thing I do that was astounding was with a smile I asked if I can eat now, I’ve been waiting on food for the whole day already. The medical staff just laughed and started chatting to me as they told me that I am still on the surgery floor, not back on the ward floor. Somehow it was weird that I woke up with a smile and was perky. Relief Feeling relief that you know the thing is out that was making you sick and now the stressful part starts waiting on biopsies and getting in the doctor’s office for the follow up. But relieved that the operation was a success and I would only be in pain from the surgery wound and nothing else. Hoping for the blue moon and the sparkling oceans to stay calm too. Date: 2016-08-22 Enter the doc’s office and I know what is going to happen, take off your clothes and let me examine you. Therefore I dressed accordingly to make it easier to strip, yes like a strip dancer. Does his examination as we do the pleasantries as to make me feel less uncomfortable to having a man next to me while naked. And in the conversation he says, wound looks good and results negative. What did you just say??? No Chemotherapy for me, and no hair loss, and no losing weight and explaining that I am sick and treating cancer. Go home with a smile on my face and finding a doc I can trust in the mean time, okay so not all men are pigs as doctors. Lots of love and hugs to boot from me. Because little old confused me was kissed and I think I forgot how to kiss back, but after the initial shock I just let it happen and this was as in last night. I’m getting to old for this crap, but I should probably allow a younger guy to show me what he got or not. I can almost call myself A-sexual or anti sexual to the world. Michele Ps: I was told on Wednesday 2016-08-24 that I am a model standing outside with a friend and this cute guy walks by. Ooooh validating isn’t it, if his eyes is only fixed on me and not my friend. And Thursday 2016-08-25 that another guy stopped me to chat with me and just blurted out for which modelling agency you working because you belong in the high fashion magazines and cat walks of fashion shows. I just laughed and said that I love the work that I do, but thank you for the complement.

Good day all I know that I am sometimes just questioning what is happening, but hey, seeing that I am still a young 36 years old that looks younger apparently then my 18 year old self, then how can I say no to being a questioning fiend. I went in for the operation on Tuesday and to my perk, I wasn't treated as though I was a weird specimen of human trying to infiltrate an alien race. Operation was done with the highest of professionalism and only afterwards I was asked about being transgender seeing that they only get to see trans persons in medical journals and not in the flesh. Okay, as I said it's easier identifying as transgender seeing that I am intersex and that in itself is more confusing to explain to people including myself, who thought that it would make my life a little bit easier or more understanding to myself. So transgender still goes on all forms, not for the fact that I can't explain both, but because of gender identity, and if there isn't an area where I need to explain, I just write female, or what do you girls right. It always will end as female. I don't know if it's actually going to be a bad visit tomorrow at the surgeon because I know how it feels to be the new kid on the block, and all I know is he isn't a bad surgeon neither does he use a bad stitch at all. Got banged up the other night by the 2 year old, who decided to slam directly on the wound and down I went for a few minutes and all was well, just lucky, I decided that I needed to wear a sanitary towel just in case I was to bleed, and yeah the blood got caught by this awful piece of material that made my cunt (for lack of better wording) and wound area feel like this massive and fat area. Okay, tomorrow I go for my check up and I hope that everything is better because I feel kind of different at the spot that I was cut into. Ooooh, the weirdest thing I can say is, who comes out of a medically induced coma and check their hair, make it perfect before going down to recovery and asking for food. That was me and hilarious as always. Tomorrow is results day and check up, so let me go and say. Cheers ladies and gentlemen. Please keep your hands, mouth, feet and all valuables inside the brains, as we will have liftoff soon and meaning that nothing is safe to the rest as it will be said. I bit thee fairwell only because I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I also grant the world permission to accept each other for who they are, because this fight for equality is gender old already, and I'm to sexy to have this fight continuously. Love, lust and hugs Michele

Hi there So Monday I'm doing my hair professionally. What??? Doesn't mean I can't look better then usual for surgery. Might just meet my dream man. I'm super calm, he has gained some of my trust. Cheers And no I'm not drinking. Michele

Good evening everyone Not a big thing, I'm going in on Tuesday for an operation to remove my lump. So far no sign of imminent danger, so relieved to an extent, but will be happier on Tuesday 2016-08-16 when it is removed. So not all smile, but some sort of smile and a grin after having a bowl of comfort food. Can't beat chocmint ice cream. For once a male doc that wants to learn more. Here's to queer cheers, hell whatever kind of cheers you want to give works. Oooh was told by my non biological child, he loves my laugh. I'm talking about my ugly laugh, and he says it sounds like I can be the villain in the movies. Good night my sweets. Hugs and kisses Oooh loads of motivation to keep on with your desires to fulfill your dreams. Hey, can't just the bearer of bad, semi good news. If I can be strong, so can you, and if you don't have the strength, just lean on me and I'll carry you to safety... Xoxoxoxoxoxo Michele

Hi all Something I wanted to post last year, 2015-09-11. Yes September 11th. Oh and I never got in anything less then shorts. I called this my short untamed hair phase. Just saying, and I hope my voice isn't that bad, but hey, I'm all Michele nothing else or less. And that makes the content of this blog a video recording. So is this a vlog or a blog? Cheers for now Lots of hugs Michele VID_20150911 Nothing but female.3gp

Hi there Steph No my mom is visiting. I worked in an oncology ward when I was a nurse. Operative word was. I also have cancer in my family, and would prefer the worst part of work to be over before finding out that chemo is the next step. That is the part freaking me out. My luscious locks will be effected and I definitely will be crying once the diagnoses starts. Not my first cancer scare, and the part where death becomes me, isnt the scary part. Made peace with that millennia ago. Okay, here my vanity comes in, even though I don't view myself as super model hot, I don't think I'm unsightly ugly just naturally more to the proportional side of average to beautiful, make that cuteish. The thing that will surprise most people are: 1. I've alwys been the caretaker when someone fell ill 2. Even when I fell ill, no one was supposed or still are suppose to touch me, as I will and can take care of myself 3. I'm not the best person to treat at home, because I'll make myself comfortable and expect worying eyes to just buzz off. 4. If I need help I will give specific instructions just for that instance. So I know people mean good when assisting me, but it irritates me more the you could imagine. Tha​nks for the well wishes, will work it out in time when where and how I'll be immobile. Hugs Michele

Hi Lisa I love the way you tackling the world. Sounds like I can take some hints from you when I need to get some fuel to continue. Stay strong ma'am, your supporters are routing for you. Hugs Michele

Hi all As always non cryptic headings. This week was endo week and yes the vampires took blood from me twice. Results were good and I didn't fear any of it. Now last night, not as per usual. But with usual actions led me to self examination. Yes, I've been wiping myself since the beginning of times and felt an irregularity last night. Started feeling myself, not out of being horny or anything, but feeling something I'm not use too. Thought at the beginning that I imagined something and found a lump by my hoohaa. Yes, a lump and the mass isn't dense just a softish density of an almost roundish to oval shape. No fears right, none at all. So off to bed I went. Now, I'm growing kind of apprehensive because I know the negatives that goes with it and I also realize that I don't want to be sick in front of my mother that came for a funeral, because she wouldn't want to leave, and will end in making me more anxious. I also have to work irregular hours for the next week or so as it is national elections here. So I'll just be strong as I don't and can't afford to be sick now, I've got 100's of policemen and women relying on me, not including the public members that are bordering close to half a million people. And yes, I'm a firm believer of the protection being healthy and strong to perform their duties. I'll be in an office directing and redirecting everyone. I will look after myself as soon as I am capable of booking myself in for medical treatments, make that surgery to illuminate or strengthen all fears that I'm just human too... Cheers for now Lots of hugs Michele

Hello all This question is now running through my mind, when does validation turn into the continuous fight for acceptance? Well, validation comes when you original start accepting yourself and other acknowledges this by using the correct pronoun's for you, and also accepts you for being yourself. Or at least that is how I look at it. The continuous fight for acceptance happens when resistance is felt by you that others can't accept you, and won't without a fight. Almost when you know you have to poop, but know its going to be a painful hard fight to get the relief that you so dearly need. Yes, me using poop has it's significance. IBS, Incontinence, Diarrhea and other poopie things, like the smell, texture and how it makes you feel. Well, that is how you feel each time you won a victory, and a new fight has come to the front line. And yes, to you they smell bad and the thought of having to fight to expell them from your sight to silence or acceptance for the changes you have gone through. Well research is my forte, so I'll just be that urethral infection that burns like a fire because I am getting exhausted from repeating the same fight. Cheers for beautiful ladies and gentlemen Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Michele

Good day all I am again in this same situation that I was, but not as bad, just this captain wants everything in writing. Fine by me, and here is the chance again to make everyone around me squirm. Yes, I will be the bitch again. No it is actually a short thing, just to vent that I need to get everything again, just to be myself. Seeing my doc on Tuesday, so will be asking again for other documentation to just make the world stop and gasp again. Not venting just saying, as the stupid acrobat doesn't want to download my annuity for me to get done with my taxes. Michele out

Only 2. Hi Ace Throw me an inbox or email and I'll answer as promptly as possible. Hugs Michele

Hi there Steph and Emma Let me do this one person at a time. Steph you know where I've been working for close to 12 years and I've also developed a potty mouth. Never used it for potty training as it never needed it until about 10 years ago. And will do! Emma, its not just me having issues with him now, but almost everyone at work. So throwing him under the bus is easy, throwing him at a pack of hungry wolves without anything to protect him is a better option. But my humanity and all the struggles including being a rape survivor makes me think twice about doing it. Because not everyone is as resilient as me to bounce back. But then again, enough is enough of this man tormenting others. An example should probably be made of him, but if I do it, he will have an ugly stain on his name that will never be cleared again. So yes not only you have answers with more questions, I'm also in the same boat. So for me to begin a fight, I must be certain that the outcome he is facing is the only way forward. And then the recurring question in my mind is, will this change him for the better or is this just false hope we clinging too. Cheers for now Michele Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi there Ace Welcome here. Sometimes it seems like we bite, but actually not so much. The ladies are knowledgeable in fields that you wouldn't expect. Might not know the first thing about how a man acts or reacts to the world, but if I can give you the confidence I show I work, then you'll be in the world cup. Not cocky confidence, just confidence to know what you want and need to get to your end result. But sometimes I realize that the guys around me needs to feel in control, but some of them actually do scare me and in those instances I do show a lack of confidence for them to feel good about themselves. But step on too many toes and up goes confidence, We love to laugh, but some days you will see that even if you have all the answers, crying is the only option to continue. Find the friends in all arenas and learn to vent. You are male after all, so gym and weight training might work for you. Cheers, will check out some of your pictures now. Michele

Hi there all I know that I am attempting to be online at the very least once a week. This Sunday I have the sensation that I need to talk about the past week. Yes, I know I ventured into it. But the avenues that I haven't entered were a few more than the pooptis I was talking about earlier. But as a recourse I think I need to vocalize and read what I know and what I can do. First thing first. I was told by my overall commander that I must drag him to court, and this time not just demand that he leave the police, but go after his pension. Of which I'm not comfortable to do. But she called him in and informed him what the law states including what legal services stated. She became the protective mother and informing him that she would work him out of the police before he can end his next 2 years before going on pension. Court cases are a drag... A real drag. Legally the police needs to implement what the constitution states. And only looking at one of the South African Constitutional Acts - Act 18. Where it already states that no discrimination is allowed. No matter if it is sexuality, gender or a combination of the 2. No employer or supervisor has the right to discriminate against you because of this. You have your freedom of expression, identification and this makes for independently individual persons. Yes I also know, that it doesn't just take for acts in the Constitution or other law books for something to be implemented, but it is a start and it tells you the grounds you have to stand on. This week, I'll make an appointment with the EHW (psychological or interpersonal assistance group in the police), and legal services. Just to see if they would want to take up where I in this instance don't want to. And in return if they do the fight, I'll just do the talks and see if I get pulled in for the assistance that other LGBTIQA, yes and others. Well, I like that the description for persons have grown, but I'm beginning to become confused here in the sequence. Okay, I also know that in the sequence once you associate with a group that one automatically moves to the front for you, but when you type it out, you always start with the sexual orientation. Yes, I fall under the gender descriptive. I think I just need to internalize this to see if I have fight left for this man or if I don't. I definitely have fight left. I just fear that this will destroy a career of almost 30 years and put me in the limelight of fighting superiors. I don't have a problem being in that spotlight, but if it is for fighter of equality. Then yes, that is all I want, everyone to be equal. But how will this effect my career. Will it fast track, normal pace (this is already a slow track for today's terms), or get slow tracked because I have targeted seniors that are discriminatory. Yes, I am looking at the recourse's that others will have against me because I am attacking their friend for equality. Not only does me fighting back place my career in a snare that could catapult me on anything from a fast track to non existent career enhancement track. But it could also effect my friends and person's of interest (family) or lover. Now can I do this to people I care about or does 2 years of an idiot sound like a walk in the park. I just don't want to end up in hospital for mentally breaking down. I know, nobody is strong enough to cope with life's dealing, and everyone needs that energy boost to continue. So now I'm thinking. Will this be what they can handle. Because if they are going to be in sight of the attacks, I most definitely will start fighting with other rules a lady doesn't look at. I'll still keep within the framework of the law, but I will be hitting below the belt till it bleeds and I am certain I made his favorite friend infertile, and hopefully also effected the capabilities of hoisting a pole because I was the storm that smashed it into pieces. So my thinking cap is on and I know I can't let him do this to me. So, clean fight, till he fights dirty and then I go legal dirty like rolling in the mud, not hiding razors in the mud. So as I'm saying goodbye, it feels to me that I am going to take on this fight with a degree of hesitation. I'm not the bitch they making me out to be, I'm not the bitch. But I can become the bitch in the fight when required. This thinking is exhausting me mentally as I need to think of the approach and which line of defense I am taking, then which alternatives are in play to counter any attacks he might throw my way. Hugs, Kisses, and cheers Michele Ps. Any view point other then mine would be appreciated. Pss. I also know, if I don't fight back, then someone with no ability to fight back might be caught in the firing line and I will in the end have to come to that persons rescue, so why not just jump in already and stop it before it can continue. Michele out. Psss. Checking my tablet out, that was keeping online. This laptop scenario isn't what I had in mind.

Hi Ace It's not that you aren't strong as yet. You just haven't tapped into your inner strength that allows you to confront the world or more specifically the family. And I know it is easier to confront a mob attacking and killing an innocent or even a piece of crap that really did what they accusing him of. But justice needs to run it's course. And yes facing that kind of danger are a million times easier then facing the family that will put you in that spotlight, showing up all you did in the past and flinging their uncertainty in your face as your own. Stay strong. I will listen for shout out, where help is needed. I can be there for you to talk. Okay this is actually an open invitation to anyone who needs the talk from an old enough person to be considered a cougar in certain stages. Here's my email, and after me scrutinizing you, I might give my number which is easier to contact me on, but not always on me, as I check my messages a few times a day. michelejheynes@gmail.com Feel free to chat, as I might just be the force of nature that was required for you to spark and blossom into the person you needed to show the world. Cheers. Lots of hugs and kisses Michele Ps. Why isn't the shortcut for email sending on here. I get caught out a lot, because I love my shortcuts.

Hi Steph and V I liked the so and so, actually know what that means, so enjoyed someone with a sense of humor like mine. Can't I rather have petrol bomb control, it's the easiest bombs to make. I also don't know why people are so scared of a petrol bomb that isn't ignited. Fear I don't have for this guy, neither respect anymore. He stepped onto grounds to disrespect what he refuses to understand, and if had any inclination of actually wanting to learn, he would have asked in the right way. But that is also why I didn't tell my support head commander, because I knew she would attack like a mother with her child being attacked, and then someone told her. Ooooooh crap, Monday I will hear something that I don't want to hear. But I'm positive and if he pushes, I know how to withstand the push and make him fall on his own. Love, hugs, kisses Michele

Hi V Funny part is, him asking me and stating it was for the new station commander was ridiculous in itself, as my voice is more feminine then hers. I'm just flabbergasted by the fact that it took him this long to build up enough courage to face me. He normally doesn't have any problem with confrontation. Oh yes!!! How dumb could I be??? He never dealt with any gender issues especially pertaining to transgender or intersexed persons. So he needed an excuse to attempt at getting my feathers ruffled or in a tail spin while in flight. Unfortunately when I mentioned that the acts in the police have been corrected to correlate with the constitution and other laws on a national level, he was thrown in a tail spin diving towards the ground and now he need to find a way out of it before he crashes and burns. Actually before I joined te police, I wanted to be a serious and violent crimes investigator. Something about solving murder (homicide), bank robbery or anything involving an armed robbery has appealed to me, because it means me taking out a threat to the world and society. Even cold cases intrigues me, something about being unsolved makes me want to catch the culprit all that more. Ladies, gents and nonconforming personS, be safe and look out for each other especially if you know your friends aren't as string as you, because you never know when they will come to your rescue because you used all your strength. Big hugs and kisses Michele