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Chrissy

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Everything posted by Chrissy

  1. I like the idea of "no male brain left," that is a way of thinking about this that hadn't occurred to me. A couple of months ago when I was discussing my transition with one of my supervisors she said she thought that I was talking about going to work wearing skirts. At that time I said no, I was going for female, but not that far yet. But now I feel like just a few weeks in the idea of wearing a skirt to work isn't that far off. I think that might happen after I see sufficient results from the electrolysis that I'm starting tomorrow (I don't want to have 5 o'clock shadow while wearing a skirt)
  2. Best of luck! I look forward to hearing how it goes xoxo Christie
  3. My fantasies were more about Charlie's Angels - my dream was being Jaclyn Smith. I think she was the most elegantly glamorous
  4. Today I took a somewhat surprisingly big step, at least it was big in the fact that I hadn't anticipated how nervous it would make me. I've been dressing entirely female for the past few weeks, with only a couple of necessary exceptions (which won't happen again), but my shoes have been relatively obscure. I'm wearing women's shoes, but typically either sneakers or boots, shoes that don't necessarily read as female. Today I'm wearing a pair of black flats, these very definitely read as female. It made me a bit nervous, but I survived I was thinking on the way in about the fact that it gets easier each time you go out with something new and realized that it's very true, and very quick being in NYC. I live in Jersey City and work in lower Manhattan, so from the time I leave home until I get in to work, I literally see and am seen by 100s of people. That's quite a change from when I used to live in North Carolina (so many years ago), where I might see nobody until I got in to work (except in passing cars). On an unrelated note, I went to the Taco Bell near me last night on the way home and the boy (yes boy, he couldn't be more than 20 years old) complimented my nail polish. That was quite nice - it came across very naturally, which I really liked!
  5. Thanks for this information! The GRS is clearly my big concern, but at $30,000 I could probably find a way to do it if it comes to that. I assume you had to travel for it? Living in NYC I probably wouldn't have to, so at least I wouldn't have the hotel costs. As far as clothing, I'm pretty well along on that
  6. Chrissy

    Dragging my Feet

    Warren, It's nice to see you blogging again, and I'm so happy that you're feeling more stable! And happy early birthday!!! xoxo Christie
  7. Last week when I had to proctor an exam I found myself for a few minutes just looking around at everyone and thinking, "what is the difference in appearance between the men and women in the room?" The only "universal" (not totally, but generally) was that women seem "smoother" or less rough. So that's when i decided electrolysis for my face is necessary, the 5 o'clock shadow has to go
  8. Thanks for this feedback! One thing I'm trying to do is get as good an estimate as possible about the costs, that would make it much easier to see how I can work it. But I do know that financially I can probably do it. There's definitely fat in my budget (breakfast was also one that I recently worked on - i used to get breakfast out every day, now I have a couple of boxes of cereal in my office that i eat when i get here). I also just took my next step - I emailed my closest friends to say that I'm now going by Christie
  9. Karen, Thank you for this wonderful post! I had seen the chart before, you may have put it in a reply to one of my earlier blog entries - I'm too lazy at the moment to go look . As best as I can tell, I'm somewhere between Type V and Type VI (I think currently Type V, but increasing drifting over to Type VI). Speaking as someone who is pre HRT and GRS I can definitely say that I understand the desire to rush into it, but I am very much trying to take my time (turning 49 in July doesn't make it easy for me to "take my time" about things). There was a point when I would agree completely with the idea that trying to live as a woman for a year before doing anything made no sense, after all how can I just live as a woman like I am? I need some help, at least hormones, right? For me the revelation was about passing as female (I know there is much dissent about the idea of "passing" and I'd like to believe that I'm courageous enough to just present as I am without worrying about it, but I'm not there yet). Back when i was cross-dressing (before "coming out" as TG), I thought that I still needed more work, like I wasn't sufficiently passing even when cross-dressed. So when i started thinking about living full-time as a woman I thought I still had far to go. But recently, since I've been doing smaller things, I realized that i'm much closer than I thought. When cross-dressing I was not trying for natural, now that I'm trying to go more natural, i see that it kind of works. I'm not totally there yet, but pretty close. xoxo Christie
  10. Good morning everyone, Before I get to the main point, I have an anecdote from last week (I share this with a couple of people already) - I was going to be hanging out with my friend Mindy on Friday night, so at lunchtime I went to get some wine (to go with the nachos we were planning). When I was at the store I heard the clerk say to me (I wasn't facing him at that moment, but I was the only customer in the store), "If you need any help maam just ask." I woke up ridiculously early today suddenly filled with doubts. It was bad enough that I wished I could just get up and go to the gym (unfortunately, or fortunately, the gym wasn't going to be open for another hour). This may have been triggered by a diary entry I did last night in which I decided I should actually look head-on at the things that I fear about transitioning. It was a little comforting when i did it (putting things concretely on paper almost always makes them seem more manageable), but I clearly put the ideas in my head, and upon waking they were bad again. So what do I fear? Undoubtedly nothing that almost everyone else hasn't thought of, but here is my list: *What if I need to find a new job, how easy or hard will it be? *Will I be able to find a relationship? *Will my friendships really stay as strong as they are with the "new reality" (this one assumes full transition to female, anything short of that won't endanger any of my current friendships) *Will I face other forms of discrimination, and even violence? *Are there a bunch of things I'm not even thinking of? *Can I even afford it? *What if it wasn't the right choice? Now some counterpoints (the thoughts that kept me moving this morning): Job - my current job is pretty secure, and my employer is very good as far as non-discrimination, so hopefully finding a new job isn't a near-term issue Relationship - I haven't had a serious relationship in about 15 years, so not being able to find one as a woman wouldn't be any worse, and if I'm finally being true to myself it might be easier Friends - yes, my friendships will change, but they'll stay stronger (I can already see a couple of my friendships getting stronger!) Discrimination - no real counter to this, it's tragic, but it happens and I'd have to deal with it then Things I'm not thinking of - probably, but that's why I keep reading blog and forum entries here, and why I'm going to start going to a local support group Cost - I either can or I can't, but I have to do as much as I can Right choice - no matter how bad I felt having doubts this morning, I felt even worse when i thought about going back. I still don't know how far I'll go, but there is work to do. Which brings me back to the "maam" anecdote at the beginning. If I have doubts I just need to remember how good it felt to hear that xoxo Christie
  11. Unfortunately Jersey City is not in the path! that's such a nice thing you're doing for her
  12. Eve, I love hearing people's stories of what happens post-transition! I know that everyone responds differently, but it's nice to see the possibilities. As far as the sense of color and dress coordination I'd suspect that's more practice than hormones I know that, for example, a year ago I could have told you that fuchsia is a color, but (1) I wouldn't have know what color it was, (2) I wouldn't know that it works really well with teal, and (3) I wouldn't know that fuchsia and teal would become one of my favorite color combinations! xoxo Christie
  13. Happy Friday everyone! I made several fairly significant steps this week. In terms of "presentation" there was only one day that I was wearing typically male clothing (and the reason for that has now passed, so it doesn't need to happen again). In addition to the mascara and lip gloss that I was already doing, I wore nail polish all week (including a very noticeable red on Wednesday). And I'm getting better at curling my hair to match what the hair stylist did, so my hair style is decidedly more feminine. I'm actually at the point that when I look in the mirror I even think I look more female! I also just spoke with a student about it. I work with 2 large student groups, and this was one of the lead students for one of them. Since I know that I'm getting more and more obvious, there's a possibility of students talking, so I wanted him to know what was going on and that it was fine to tell them if it does come up. I limited the information I told him, but it's enough (I just said I'm trans, still fairly early in my transition, but it's happening and will likely continue...words to that effect). But the biggest thing happened yesterday while I was proctoring a 3 hour exam. That gave me plenty of time to think, so I was thinking about how recently (the last few months) I've noticed that I really am not attracted to gay men, but am seemingly only attracted to straight men. In terms of my sexual orientation I currently just say that I'm attracted to me, rather than saying that I'm a "gay male" or "straight female." I went over this so many times trying to figure out what I thought the difference was and why I'd be attracted specifically to straight men. Anything I thought of as far as characteristics I had to quickly dismiss knowing that anything I thought of could be found in either group (or even women for that matter!) Then it hit me, and when it did I felt a little stupid for not realizing it earlier. The ONE difference between gay and straight men (and my apologies for being so binary, but it's easier for now) is that straight men are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men (I know, "DUH!!!!"). So, I'm attracted to straight men because they're attracted to women, and I'm a woman. The most important take-away from that to me is that it's probably the first time I've spontaneously thought of myself as a woman - out loud at least. I need to live with the thought for a little, but it seems like a likely tipping point for me. It certainly explains the attraction issue. I think it might have happened because, as I mentioned above, I'm actually starting to visually see myself as female, so I'm better able to accept that internally as well. That's where I think the importance of "passing" comes in at this early stage. Later on I hopefully won't care as much, but right now to help me work through things I need to be seen - and see myself - as female. Well, time to get back to work! Hope everyone has a great weekend! xoxo Christie
  14. I just did a quick search of "electrolysis vs tattoo pain" and it seems the consensus is that tattoos hurt more, which is encouraging. I have 4 tattoos, they certainly hurt, but not enough to stop after 1 :-)
  15. I just made an appointment for electrolysis - yay! The part that hurt the most was that she said I'd need to let the hair grow out a little (she said enough so that she can get it with a tweezer). For me that will take a couple of days, I hate that idea but I guess it's worthwhile for the ultimate gain (or loss). Also contacted my doctor for a referral for an endocronologist (not sure how you spell that) - another yay! Have done both of those things I'm trying to read my feelings - at first it was pure fear, which raises doubt, but now I realize it's mostly excitement (some fear, but it's about money and whether I can afford all of this)
  16. Karen, This is such a helpful entry - especially since I'm in a bit of shopping frenzy recently It's the "keeping in mind how old you are" part that is especially problematic for me. I think mainly for the reason that I am "coming out" a little older and regretting that I missed the chance to dress younger - but I'm working past that, and the further along my transition that I go the easier I find it to accept who I am, age and all. Spending too much time regretting the past now is just likely to lead to more regret later (regretting that I regretted so much - a vicious cycle). xoxo Christie
  17. Chrissy

    Anger issues.....

    Warren, I completely agree with Karen's comments, especially the need for medical support from somewhere for people who are suffering and can't afford what they need. At times I almost hope the republicans kill off Obamacare so that another push for socialized medicine might happen (with all of the people who would suddenly find themselves not covered it could happen). I found over time that most of my anger comes from a general feeling of powerlessness (pretty intense at times). And you're right, it's absurd to think that someone would "choose" to be transgender when that would only make the feeling worse. Ultimately I know the only thing I can really control is my own response to things - but that is far easier said than done. Please do keep writing! I think it helps to share feelings, and you never know when you'll get some helpful feedback. (And I think the way the system works now is that the latest blog entries do go at the time of the list, so no need to worry about people seeing your entries) xoxo Christie
  18. That's a shame - clearly having sensitivity training doesn't necessarily mean one will be sensitive, but it's especially troubling in a family setting (though probably pretty common). When I spoke with my sister several weeks ago she just flat-out rejected the idea that I'm trans (including saying "you don't look like a girl"). I haven't communicated with her since then for the same reason you mentioned, I'm not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation (fortunately I'm much closer to friends, who are supportive, than family)
  19. Chrissy

    Update

    Lisa, Are there any kind of support groups near you? (I was surprised that I haven't been able to find any in NYC, so I have no idea how common they are anywhere else.) The strength and courage that you're showing is inspiring - and also the fact that you clearly do care about how your wife is handling it. I'm sure it might feel easier at times to just walk away (I do know that from experience, I was married when I came out as gay - as it turns out the "coming out" part was right, just maybe not the gay part). Hopefully if you give her the space she needs she might come around and at least be supportive (more supportive I guess, since she is being a little supportive already). xoxo Christie
  20. Karen This was such a great post! Personally it helped give me the little extra nudge to follow-through on my plan for today, which was simple but I think significant. In addition to my new usual routine of mascara, lip gloss, perfume, and a little accenting of my eye brows, today I also wore pink nail polish (to go with the pink shirt I'm wearing). I was doing nail polish last week, but it was French tips so it was somewhat subtle - this pink is not subtle One thing that I find helpful in terms of working on various things (voice, walking, mannerisms, etc.) is that I keep an index card on my refrigerator with bullet-point reminders about each that I look at each morning before I leave. I don't necessarily remember to work on each of them every day, but I do more and more each day. xoxo Christie
  21. Chrissy

    A new week...

    Karen and Eve, Thank you both for your comments! Fear is definitely the big thing, but I know I can work through that And Eve, the "o's" in "xoxo" are hugs xoxo Christie
  22. Chrissy

    A new week...

    Good morning everyone! I spent some time this past weekend thinking about my "next steps." I've exhausted (I think) most of the subtle steps that I can take, I get the feeling that whatever I do next in terms of transition will be quite noticeable, which prompted me to wonder how ready I am for that. Wondering how ready I am made me then wonder whether it was fear holding me back a little (answer = yes). It helped a little (a lot) that I sat down at one point and wrote out a list of what I see as all of the steps that would happen if I transitioned fully (including hormones and surgery), that helped me see what things I can be doing now (working on my voice leapt to the fore). But then the fear. What am I afraid of? One possibility is the fear that this isn't really the right thing for me (that's a fear that pops up from time to time). While that's a legitimate consideration, I also know that I fear the idea of continuing to live my life as a male. And I know that the only way to address that fear is to continue moving forward. If it's true that this isn't the right path for me that will eventually come through. More likely is that my fear is based on "looking silly." More specifically that I'll look like a man dressing as a woman. I've read much about the idea of "passing" and the pros and cons, and I fully understand and in principle agree with the idea that we shouldn't necessarily be going for that (that a "man" should be able to wear whatever they want), but for me, right now, I want people to accept me as a woman and so I consider it important that my appearance not contradict that. It's probably enough for now if my "look" (hair, face, etc.) is androgynous, that at least wouldn't contradict how I'm dressed. The problem with achieving that is that when I look in the mirror I just see me, I don't know if I can objectively tell if I look female, male, or androgynous. I was told by a couple of people at work last week that I definitely look more female than I used to, so that's a good start. Fear is the other thing, and that won't really be resolved until I do go out in public dressed clearly female (but without the wig and full make-up that I've done when cross-dressing). Over the past couple of years I went through a lengthy period when I found that if I kind of wanted to do something but it scared me, I had to do it (e.g., cross-dressing in public, taking an improv class, doing drag, taking a solo show class - which culminated in a 6-minute solo piece in front of an actual audience). I look at that period now as my way of building up to overcoming this fear - in this case not something that I "kind of want" to do, but something I must do. With my wardrobe almost fully in place, and final exams at work ending this week, I'm now committed to dressing full-time as a woman starting next Monday (it will also happen most of this week). Thanks for listening xoxo Christie
  23. Karen, This was such a great entry! I especially look forward to your new posts based on where you are in transitioning as I start to look much more seriously at my own. It's enlightening to see where I could be in a couple of years (obviously everyone's experience is different, but certain issues, concerns and joys are no doubt shared by many!) At lunch the other day the waiter came up to me and my co-worker and said "is everything OK here ladies?" I was quite happy about that, especially since I wasn't in full femme presentation! Xoxo Christie
  24. Dawn, What a wonderful year! Like Emma I wish I had a therapist say that to me at some point - but once I said it to myself I experienced the same general feeling, really almost immediate elation. I haven't stopped anti-depressants yet, but probably soon. I look forward to hearing about your ongoing progress xoxo Christie
  25. Chrissy

    On transitioning...

    Veronica, First thank you :-) And I love the "I'm not quite done baking yet" line, that's great! I did some more Kohl's shopping yesterday, and plan to go to Century 21 tomorrow at lunch, so hopefully by next week I'll be able to go en femme at least most days even to work. Outside of work I also love women's jeans and capris! I have a full stock of JLo jeans. I think I might underestimate how feminine I'm already appearing - it's so hard to be objective about yourself (looking in the mirror, even when I'm in full drag, I still see me, so it's obviously a matter of seeing me as a woman) xoxo Christie
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