Chrissy

Good morning everyone! I started with my new therapist yesterday. My former therapist dropped out of my insurance network so I had to change. The timing worked out quite well though, I was able to look for a therapist who works extensively with gender identity issues. Going in I wasn't that sure how experienced she was (the Psychology Today website said that she has transsexual clients, but for all I knew that could have meant 2 or 3). As soon as we met I felt very comfortable with her, and during the course of the first session she made me feel more and more comfortable. She seems very well versed in the various issues around transitioning, and the complexity of what it means to transition. She also asked me early on if I have pronoun preferences (which in hindsight seemed interesting, after all, in a one-on-one conversation with therapy is, how often do pronouns come up?). She also asked me which name I'd prefer to use. At first I went with my male name, most likely because out of necessity I was presenting more male at the time, but then I switched it to my female (REAL) name. So between her, my friends, and the wonderful people on this website I feel like I have a great support system in place as I proceed along this journey (perhaps even family will join the group at some point, anything is possible). xoxo Christie

That all sounds so wonderful! Both the travel and the response you got!

Thank you both for your comments :-) When I use "cross-dressing" now I'm only referring to the time when I was dressing as a woman before "coming out" as TG. It is true of course that I was TG even before coming out, so it really wasn't cross-dressing even then, but it's an easy way to distinguish those time periods and the mental state that I was in during both (feeling like a man dressing as a woman vs just being dressed). I am getting more and more stressed that I still at times have to dress male - my current wardrobe isn't sufficient yet to go all female, and money is a little tight (though now that taxes are done I'll start having some room, and I'm getting a better idea of things that I need sooner). I haven't started hormones yet. I start with a new gender therapist today, so I am going to raise that, to at least start discussing it. Then I assume I'll need to see my regular doctor to talk about it with him as well (I've been going to him for a long time now, so I'm comfortable with how he'll be about this). One thing I can't seem to find anywhere is exactly how hormones are taken? Do you have to keep using them periodically for some amount of time? (I assume yes, I just don't know how often and for how long) Jewelry is my "project" for this weekend. I have some that I've assembled specifically for doing drag, but I'm going to look through it all to see what I can incorporate now. XOXO Christie

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! This might be something of a "stream of consciousness" entry, but it's been a few days and I feel like I need to post something. I just had a long weekend, it's the end of the semester here so I took off Friday and Monday. Over the weekend I did an inventory of my wardrobe to see what exactly I need to buy in order to dress properly on a full-time basis. In hindsight I probably didn't need to do that, I basically need more of everything. I'm quite well set for my casual wardrobe, but not so well set for work. But now I have a list in my phone and plan to start correcting that this week (a lunchtime trip to Century 21 for starters!). On Thursday at the Stonewall Girls meetup we met a college student who is doing a paper on transgender issues (she did say exactly what it was, but it was a very academic title and I don't recall now the details). She asked several people if she could do one-on-one interviews, so I did that with her on Saturday. It was rather thorough, and very respectful (the one question she said might be "intrusive" really wasn't at all). The interview was probably as helpful to me as it was to her as she asked about a number of things that gave me something to think about, and I found as I was answering her I remembered things that I hadn't been thinking about recently! So I found it helpful in terms of my own journey. There are still moments when I think "Is this real? Or am I really just a guy and this is just a passing thing?" But more and more as I think that, I have other thoughts that counter it. Most recently was Thursday night with the meetup group (I know I wrote about this already, but it looks like that post was lost to the software upgrade). I've gone to the group before, but this was the first time that I was going as me, and not "me dressed as a woman." It felt good, it felt right. And then last night, I was doing my internship at a theater and had to go en homme - they have a "uniform" and I can't currently do it en femme. I was rather uncomfortable with it. I usually wear a pair of (fake) red-framed glasses (the uniform is red and black), but last night I didn't want to - I felt like they distracted from other things (my new hair style and the mascara that I was wearing). But I also know that this isn't all about how I'm dressing. If it was, then I'd just be cross-dressing. It is true that I prefer (and have always preferred) women's fashion to men's, but the more important thing is that I'm now presenting through wardrobe and accessories how I feel inside. I can also see how to some degree wearing women's clothing is becoming second nature, I don't even notice it at times (except in those moments when I catch a look at myself in the mirror, that sometime still pleasantly surprises me). I'm starting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm very excited about that! I liked my last therapist, but the new person specializes in gender issues. It's also the first time I'll be seeing a female therapist. Time to get back to work now! xoxo Christie :wub:

Emma, I didn't need another fear!!!! :-) I definitely agree that I can't see myself going back, at least not beyond where I am now. In my thinking over the weekend I actually tried to imagine what that would look like, and I didn't like it at all. That could change of course, but for now I know that for the foreseeable future I'll be presenting as more female than I have - I have to, it's what matches inside. And "It's all ok on the TG Train!" is one of the greatest things I've ever heard xoxo Christie

Maddysyn, I second everything that Emma said! And also that it's understandable to regret things, but I hope you keep in mind that this is always new territory for everyone, things are bound to not go smoothly! So learn from it, and move on (I know that's much easier said than done!) xoxo Christie

Good morning everyone! For those of you noticing that I don't have a pic (which hopefully won't be the case by the time most people notice), I tried to change it over the weekend, but for various tech reasons wasn't able to. Anyway. The 1 more week in my subject line refers to 1 more week at work in which I'll generally be presenting as male (a male who wears mascara, lip gloss, and JLo jeans on Fridays, but a male). Next week we go into exam period and then summer, so I plan to shift my wardrobe and overall presentation to female as much as possible (money being the limitation). I told both of my supervisors, and they said that they would also tell a couple of the students (the leaders of the respective organizations I work with) in case there's any talk among students. It should be fine, and the school's non-discrimination policy is really good (among the protected categories are "gender identity" and "gender expression"). But still some fear. What is that fear? I considered that yesterday (writing in a journal, that always helps me explore things more deeply). (1) Fear of not being accepted, being rejected (a pretty minor concern) (2) Fear of becoming a "sideshow" and as a result losing whatever level of respect I currently get (that one sounds bad, I hate to think of being TG as a "sideshow", but it was a thought) (3) The big-one - the fear that I won't think I can go back. This is a journey, a journey that can go in any direction, including backwards. But if I get to a point where I think I want to go backwards, how weird will I feel having let so many people know? They might not understand it. Having said that, I know it shouldn't matter, and I'll do my best (if it comes up) to not let it matter. But also I don't see myself going back beyond where I am now. Nobody can totally predict the future, but I'm sure my future involves presenting more female than I do now (whether it goes all the way to full transition, well that's gonna take some time to know). The last one got me to thinking about a similar situation, when I came out as gay. Soon after I did that I started thinking that I was actually bisexual, but I remember being too afraid to acknowledge that, to myself or especially to others. For the very reason above, that it would seem like I was going backwards to people (and the fact that I had been married - if I was bi, why not stay married?) Those bisexual feelings, however suppressed, have remained until I recently acknowledged being TG. Then the feelings shifted and I realize (strongly suspect?) that I'm not really sexually attracted to women, I want to be one. The frustrating part (regret warning) is thinking that if I had been brave enough to acknowledge it back then, maybe I would have figured out the rest back then as well. can't live on regret, can't go back, but it's a little frustrating. Hoping that getting it out here will help me purge it (and in therapy this week) xoxo Christie

Warren, You have really been given a lot to deal with - as have many people on this site - but it seems like you're more than strong enough to deal with it all As far as worrying about what you "should" and "shouldn't" think, I think it's fair to observe those things in yourself as long as you're not beating yourself up over it. It's MORE than reasonable for you to react the way you have. As long as you keep noticing when you think your reactions are too strong, etc., you'll eventually find your own way to a more peaceful state. But for now, it's ok, and good that you have place (here) to vent xoxo Christie

Karen, I absolutely agree that it gets better as you go out. When I started cross-dressing I was frustrated that there was nowhere I could go where I could dress there. But ultimately I took the step, got dressed at home and went out (I think the scariest part was stepping out my front door - I live in a condo building - and facing neighbors - that fear was addressed the very first time as the person across the hall was coming home as I was walking out). Maybe the biggest disappointment was my sense that nobody was noticing! But I got over that :-) xoxo Christie

Lisa, I think it makes sense that your kids figured out that you were the 2 females and not the male :-) I assume the easter bunny and tooth fairy are both females, more nurturing, Santa is too judgmental - sorry, stereotypes! Christie

I does of course mean I have to go out after work today - I can't just go home when I'm having a good butt day!

Just a quick addition - I'm wearing a pair of Jennifer Lopez jeans today, and when I passed a mirror in the rest room just now I noticed that they kinda make my butt look really good. I needed to share that with someone :-)

Hi everyone, Happy Friday!!! Some follow-up from last week, there was one friend I hadn't heard from after I emailed him last week, I wasn't too worried, but I admit I was a little worried (he doesn't live nearby, so i don't get to see him in person as much). Anyway, I texted him yesterday to see if he had gotten the email, he hadn't (some problem accessing his Yahoo email). He now has seen it and was as supportive and I expected (before getting pointlessly worried because of not getting a response). I told my sister last Thursday night. It went as I would have predicted if I had thought about it. She wasn't supportive - not openly hostile, but she was denying and rejecting and thoughtless and insensitive. She might come around, the problem is that the "thoughtless and insensitive" part is pretty recurring. That's why I knew I had to tell all of my friends first. Now I'm trying to think about my next steps. I think I'm at or near a tipping point where almost anything I do is going to be very obvious, essentially a public "coming out." The things I've done so far have feminized my look, but not to the point where most people would start wondering what's going on. Fortunately it's a good time of the year at work, we're about to go into exam period and then summer break, so it will mostly be staff around for the next few months. That gives me a chance to take more steps with a more limited audience and get used to it before a lot of students are around. I think my next big step is going to be to work on my female voice. I've done it in the past, but not consistently enough that I've felt comfortable using it in front of anyone. Since I decided to start going back to the Thursday night TG/CD group I want to be ready by then to try it publicly, even if it's not flawless (which seems reasonable). And I want to thank everyone here again for all your wonderful comments and support! This site has been vital to me in this journey! xoxo Christie

Emma, This is a great piece! Thank you for sharing it, I plan to look into James Altucher. Christie

Warren, That's great! Congrats!!!! xoxo xoxo Christie

Lisa, Similar to Emma my first thought about "Hey beautiful" was very positive - but being earlier in the journey I'm just thrilled to be referenced as a female almost anytime, I do see your point about the problem with it and I look forward to being "enough of a woman" to react the same way :-) And certainly there's lots to be anxious about, I'd also suggest writing it down, whether it's here or just for yourself. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go just to write down any strong feelings I encounter through the day. xoxo Christie

Good luck Karen! And thank you for sharing information about your journey, it's very interesting and helpful, especially as a "newbie" :-)

Monica, Thank you for your response - it is very helpful! I'm not sure I'm entirely there yet as far as accepting that I'm a heterosexual woman, but I am starting to believe that that's where this journey is going to end up. I just have 40 or so years of clutter to push out of the way. Or I guess it would be better just to leave the clutter and find a new home :-) I just created a profile on the website you recommended, I'll take a look around there too and see what comes up. xoxo Christie

I am indeed going through the mind mill! It's something I do way too often :-) I agree with you as far as the present goes - I think perhaps for me the bigger question (which possibly can't be answered, but I was hoping it could) is whether the entire idea of being gay was something my teenage mind came up with in response to the feeling of being trans.

Crissie, First, welcome to TGGuide! I'm not sure if I saw your New Member entry (I need to look there more often). I also started blogging almost immediately here, and it's been very helpful both in terms of getting my thoughts out and getting feedback - there are a lot of very caring people here! As far as your background, I feel very much the same in that I don't have specific memories of feeling like I was in the wrong body as a child, but I also don't have a lot of strong memories about any feelings from that time. There are definitely people out there with Gender Dysphoria who don't have childhood memories (it's been referred to as "Indirect Gender Dysphoria" on a couple of sites I've seen). In any case, I don't think that you're crazy for having these thoughts :-) You just need to keep exploring, take some more steps and see how it feels. After all, if you're a "wannabee" then that could be because you want to be! Please keep sharing! xoxo Christie

Emma, Thank you so much for that feedback, it's very helpful! It's interesting how just shifting from thinking in terms of gay or straight to simply recognizing that my interest is in men changes how I think about things. And you're absolutely right, there are certainly gay men out there who would be "right", I just need to get out more and stop generalizing. I think one mental roadblock is that when I think about gay men who would accept me as a woman I think "straight acting," which doesn't have a great history (and I don't like it as far as it reflects on someone being closeted). But that's not everyone. My present course might eventually open me up for new possibilities - the more I present myself as a woman the more likely I am to meet a person who likes that :-) You have a nice Monday too! xoxo Christie

Good morning everyone! We're having a nice breezy, rainy day in NYC today (which is fine for Monday). I've been thinking about my gender and sexual orientation a lot recently, specifically as they relate to each other, and wanted to put my thoughts out here to see if anyone has some ideas on the topic First, I do realize that gender and sexual orientation are different things, and they we do all have both of them. What I've been thinking about lately though is that for quite awhile I've identified and "lived" as a gay man. Given my recent acknowledgment that I am transgender, it's made me wonder if i am a gay man or a straight woman, and what that means in day-to-day terms. But even before that, I wonder now if the reason I was "came out" as a gay man was because I was misreading the reality that I am transgender. When I was growing up, in particular around the age of puberty, I didn't really have any idea of the existence of transgender people. At best there were stories about people who had sex change operations, but those stories were usually portrayed as freakish, and they certainly didn't explain why the person had done it (at least not anywhere that I saw). Mind you this was the early to mid 70s. So my theory/hypothesis is that I interpreted my feelings as being gay because I knew what that was, and it seemed like the best fit for them. Even that I covered up for a long time, it wasn't like being gay was accepted at that time either, but at least I knew what it was. It would also fit with my dating history, which is very, very limited. It makes me wonder if one of the reasons I don't date much is that I don't want to date gay men, I want to date straight men (I hesitated saying that - seems like it could come across as homophobia?). There have also been several straight men who work at the gay bar that I go to and I find myself especially drawn to them - there is the cliche about gay men who want to turn straight guys, but I don't want that, I want them to stay as they are and love me! I'm going to leave this here for now, in part because I should start working, and in part because I just put something out there that I haven't even mentioned in therapy yet - need to hit "Publish" before this feeling of vulnerability stops me xoxo Christie

Emma, I know the feeling about shopping in the stores, I did at some point make it a personal challenge though and now it feels perfectly natural! The first few times I just bought, but then I started trying things on too. I love Kohl's, and started suspecting that their employees might be trained to not comment on what people are buying (which would be an excellent business practice). I'm probably going to pause at this point for a little bit - I need to let my post-taxes finances settle down a bit before I start spending again - and I work at a school which is about to enter final exams and summer break, so my wardrobe will go more casual anyway, which means I can incorporate some clothes that I already have and then get my "business wardrobe" together over the summer. xoxo Christie

Small set-back, none of the clothes I ordered were the correct size I suspected that might be an issue when ordering on-line, when it was an area of clothing I have purchased before. I'm planning to return these at the store and then shop while I'm there

That's so nice! It really does just take some people time, but I guess the silver lining in that is that you get additional moments like this.